Jerks of the Week - April 6, 2015





Jerks of the Week: April 6, 2015


JERK OF THE WEEK: Bottom Dollar Closes - Part I

I've received complaints that I haven't written about Bottom Dollar Food in Jerks of the Week for a long time. I can offer two explanations for this.

The first is that I quite simply haven't shopped there in a while. I discussed this earlier, but because Bottom Dollar didn't sell Cocoa Puffs, I opted to go to Acme instead. I have no idea why Bottom Dollar failed to stock the greatest cereal mankind has ever tasted. I have to imagine that the President of Bottom Dollar, none other than Kim Jong-un, had a say in this...

Kim Jong-un: I very tired WarterFootbarr.com! He arways make a fun of me! I rearry need to ruin Warter's rife! How I can accomprish this!?

Friend Kim Jong-un Pays For: I was reading that site, and he said that he loves Cocoa Puffs.

Kim Jong-un: Of course Warter Footbarr rove a Cocoa Puff! Cocoa Puff greatest cerear in worrd!

Friend Kim Jong-un Pays For: Well, why don't you stop selling Cocoa Puffs at Bottom Dollar so that Walt has to drive to a supermarket instead of walking to yours?

Kim Jong-un: Oh, I make such a great idea! Warter no going to be abre to wark to Bottom Dorrar anymore! I so smart and make such great idea!

The second is that Bottom Dollar has closed. That's right - it's gone. I got the news when my editor messaged me on G-chat one day. Even though I didn't shop there anymore, I was kind of upset. Bottom Dollar had given me so many jerks dating back to when it first opened in 2011, so I always thought of it as a special place. And by "special," I mean the kind of "special" parents call their glue-eating child.

With that in mind, I'm going to say goodbye to Bottom Dollar in a two-part entry. This first part is a Jerks of the Week write-up that I compiled about almost two years ago but never published because other things took precedent. The second part will be notes I took during my visits to Bottom Dollar that I never wrote about. I don't really remember what my notes are; all I know is that I have them written down in a Word document, so I'm just going to wing it.

For now though, please enjoy this article that I wrote in May 2013, which includes some disgusting people, my incompetence, and a farewell to Somewhat Cute Cashier...


1. Money Runs and Somewhat Cute Cashier

I've been asked about Somewhat Cute Cashier. I actually haven't seen her for a while. She worked at the store during the summer, but disappeared just as the season changed. She either quit or went back to college.

Unfortunately, she was the only attractive cashier at Bottom Dollar, aside from Butter Face Cashier, whom I only saw once. The ones who are left are older people and fat chicks.

I personally think this is terrible, and I wouldn't be surprised if Bottom Dollar shuts down as a consequence (Editor's Note: Holy crap, how prophetic am I?) I've discussed this in the past, but if I owned a store or restaurant, I would hire only attractive females. Men are more likely to go to a place of business if there are hot women there. If, for example, Bottom Dollar hired good-looking women to man all of their registers, I, as well as other non-heterosexually challenged men, would find some excuse to go there multiple times per week. Conversely, I have no desire to see a 65-year-old mustachioed man who reeks of cat urine - I see/smell him at Bottom Dollar all the time - so I won't go out of my way to shop at Bottom Dollar if I know he's working there.

I actually got Somewhat Cute Cashier to laugh at something I said the last time I saw her - sometime in the middle of May - but this story has to begin with an event that occurred about a month before that.

I went to Bottom Dollar on a random day in April. I collected my usual items - milk, juice, chips, soda, healthy snacks like Oreos - into my cart and made my way to the register. A chubby Indian girl was working there. She scanned my items and read my total. I reached into my pocket, and my heart sank. There was no money. I forgot it at home!

"Umm... I... uhh... forgot my money in the car," I stammered.

"No problem, I'll just keep everything here until you come back," she answered.

I obviously didn't drive there because it's actually quicker to walk around the corner, but I didn't want to explain that I was going back to my house. That's what I did though, as I sprinted back home. Being a fat man, this was extremely difficult. Though it was just a 90-second run, my heart pounded as I reached my front door. I felt like I was going to vomit all over my floor, but I held it in, went upstairs and grabbed some cash.

I then raced down the stairs and sprinted back to Bottom Dollar, where I nearly passed out onto the ground. A plump woman in her 50s noticed that I perhaps looked a bit sick.

Plump Woman: Are you OK? You don't look so hot.

Me: I dunno... I... I ran for like three minutes...

Plump Woman looked at me strangely and then went about her business. Meanwhile, I went back to the register and stood behind some people, who seemed to wonder why I was waiting in line with nothing in my hands.

When it was my turn, I noticed that none of the items I brought to the register the first time were there anymore.

Me: Hey, I have my money. Where are the things I was trying to buy?

Chubby Indian Cashier: Oh, we put them away because you were gone for so long.

Me: I wasn't gone for that long! It was like five minutes!

Chubby Indian Cashier: More like 10. You shouldn't take that long to go to your car, sir, so we put all of your things away because we assumed you weren't coming back.

Ugh. I went back and recollected everything. I was probably missing something because I forgot what I placed into my shopping cart the first time. I eventually went back to Chubby Indian Cashier, who scanned everything and read the total. I reached into my pocket, and my heart sank. There was no money! I could've sworn I placed some into my pocket, but maybe I didn't... was I losing my mind?

Me: Wait, I don't have any money again! Where'd it go? Did I drop it?

Chubby Indian Cashier: Are you sure you can buy these items, sir?

Me: Yes! I had money! I don't know where it went!

Chubby Indian Cashier: Did you try the pocket in your hoodie, sir?

My hoodie! That's right, I was wearing a hoodie! I reached in and found my money. Hooray!

I handed the appropriate cash to her, commenting, "That's pretty funny, I would've had to run back to my house, I mean car again!"

Chubby Indian Cashier simply shook her head and handed me my change.

So, what does this have to do with Somewhat Cute Cashier? Well, when I saw her in May, I mentioned that I hadn't seen her in a while. She didn't say anything in return, only going "hmph" to me. I hate when women send you mixed signals. Just come out and say how you really feel!

Somewhat Cute Cashier read the total to me. I reached into my pocket, and my heart sank yet again. No money! I had to run back to my house once more. I didn't have a hoodie this time, so I knew the cash was in my pocket when I returned back to Bottom Dollar. I handed it to her and told her how this was the second time I did this in a span of about five weeks. She laughed and said, "That's pretty funny."

"That's pretty funny." Three words! She really does have the hots for me!

Unfortunately, I haven't seen Somewhat Cute Cashier since. She either went back to school or found another job. Either way, I'm stuck with fat women and smelly old men taking my money at Bottom Dollar. The good news is that I haven't forgotten my money since.





2. Cilantro Hand Girl

One of the fat girls who are stationed at the registers is this hefty chick in her early 20s. She has a red afro and sports a faint mustache. She's a bit of an oddball, too. When I met her for the first time, she was sniffing her hand as I placed my items on the conveyer belt. She then stuck out her hand toward me.

Cilantro Hand Girl: Smell my hand!

Me: Uhh... why?

Cilantro Hand Girl: My hand smells like cilantro! Smell my hand!

Me: Uhh... no thanks, I'm actually stuffed up so I can't smell anyway.

That was a lie, of course. There was no way I smelling a fat chick's hand. This could have been a ruse she concocted to eat my face, after all.

As I quickly discovered though, this was not her intention. She was actually insane. She told me two stories:

1. Cilantro Hand Girl's friend called her at 2 a.m. and asked to meet her at Bottom Dollar. Because that's where all of the cool kids hang out at night.

Bottom Dollar is closed at that hour, but Cilantro Hand Girl arrived there regardless. Her friend didn't show, however. Perhaps her "friend" had second thoughts about smelling the cilantro.

2. Cilantro Hand Girl revealed to me that she walks to work every day.

Me: Oh cool, I walk here too.

Cilantro Hand Girl: Do you walk two hours like I do!?

Me: Two hours? No, it's like two minutes.

Cilantro Hand Girl: I spend two hours walking to work every day! You should try it!

Me: Nah, no thanks. Why don't you get someone to drive you?

Cilantro Hand Girl: That's no fun! Besides, I used to bike here, but my bike broke down.

I'm not quite sure how a bike "breaks down," but I didn't want to continue the conversation with her. I gave her the money I owed her for my groceries, silently thanking the heavens that I wouldn't have to talk to her anymore.

Cilantro Hand Girl: That comes to $13.64! Was this all in your budget?

Me: Budget? I'm just buying a few random things.

Cilantro Hand Girl: My hand really smells like cilantro. Are you sure you don't want to smell it?

Me: Yeah, I'm sure.

Cilantro Hand Girl: That's so great that you can just walk here and fit everything into your budget!

Me: Eh, I wouldn't say I really have a budget.

I have no idea why, but what I said angered her. She didn't say anything to me after that except "here's your change." As she handed me the money I was owed, I inadvertently got a whiff of her hand. It actually did smell like cilantro.







3. Bearded Lady

I said that I walk to Bottom Dollar. If I'm driving home from somewhere, I'll occasionally pull into the parking lot. This lot is adjacent to another one, which people frequently use to cut through to reach the main road near my house. I often do this when I'm going to the gym. I have no idea if this is legal or not, but it's convenient.

I embarked on a trip to the gym one afternoon, and I was making my usual turn into the parking lot. Unfortunately, there was a cop car waiting for me. Probably thinking I was going to perform an illegal driving maneuver, he started following me. You know, I'm so glad our brave police officers are working hard to stop real crime! Thank you for protecting and serving by following people in parking lots, a**hole.

I knew I'd be f***ed if I turned onto the main road, so I decided to proceed to Bottom Dollar. I needed some paper plates anyway for an impending party at my house, so I figured I'd just buy them.

I parked my car, and as I did this, the police officer stopped and watched as I entered Bottom Dollar. Again, I'm so thankful that we have some heroic cops protecting all of us from terrible crimes. This guy deserves some sort of medal for keeping the peace!

Anyway, I grabbed some paper plates and went to the register. There was one guy ahead of me, but he was having some issues with the cashier, a black woman with cornrows. She had two very distinct features: a tattoo of lips on her neck and bushy clumps of facial hair. She had a patch of pubic-like hair near her tattoo, which made me want to vomit.

Bearded Lady must have been new based on her interactions with the 60-year-old man in front of me. First of all, she was slurring her words. I noticed this when she asked him, "How yaaa dooinn' sirrr?" She then picked up the bread he was trying to purchase and looked at it quizzically.

Bearded Lady: How much dis bagga bread?

Old Man: I don't know.

Bearded Lady: I'm tryiinnn taa fine out how much dis bagga bread, but it do not has a sticka on it!

Old Man: I think you're supposed to scan it.

Bearded Lady: Yeahhh thasss wha I say, it doo not hass a sticka!

Are bar codes and "stickas" now synonyms, or something? If so, I must have missed that announcement.

Bearded Lady picked up the scanner and began mashing the button as she turned and flipped around the "bagga bread" every which way. It took her a couple of minutes, but she eventually lucked into scanning it.

She somehow managed to scan the other items more rapidly and eventually read the man his total. He took a credit card out of his wallet and handed it to her. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it took her 10 minutes to swipe it. I checked my phone, and it was 4:33 when she started doing this, and it was 4:43 when she finally called someone over. She kept trying, and it continued to fail.

Bearded Lady: Why do disss nnnot work?

Other Bottom Dollar Employee: Let me see...

Bearded Lady: Dis card keep on trickin' me!

Yes. The credit card has conspired to trick you. Bearded Lady's suspicions grew when the other Bottom Dollar employee - the aforementioned stinky, mustachioed man - swiped the card correctly on the first try.

Other Bottom Dollar Employee: There it goes.

Bearded Lady: I tolded you, dis card keep on trickin'!

I had to contain my laughter because Bearded Lady was just so stupid. Fortunately, I didn't have to deal with her because the mustachioed man took over the register and made Bearded Lady watch.

I'm guessing that she was just incapable of learning how to work everything because that was the only time I ever saw her at Bottom Dollar. Thank God. I'd rather smell Cilantro Hand Girl a thousand times rather than deal with an idiot who doesn't know how to scan a "bagga bread."


Back to 2015...

That was what I wrote back in May 2013. I didn't go back to Bottom Dollar as much because of Kim Jong-un's Cocoa Puff plan, which actually worked out to perfection. But when I did go, it was more of Cilantro Hand Girl and the old man who reeked of cat urine, and less of Somewhat Cute Cashier and any other attractive employees.

I can't believe I ever wondered why Bottom Dollar shut down.

LOADING COMMENTS...



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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Sept. 21


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 21


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


2019 NFL Mock Draft - June 1


NFL Power Rankings - May 5









 





 

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