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Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2015
Jerks of the Week: March 30, 2015
JERK OF THE WEEK: April Fools and April Truths III
I'm kicking myself right now. When I wrote my April Fools and April Truths II a year ago, I hatched a plan to contact Jonathan Frakes, the host of a show that used to air in the late 90s called Fact or Fiction, and ask him to write bad puns at the end of each of my stories. In return, I'd donate to the charity of his choice.
If you're not an old fart like me, Fact or Fiction was a cool show in which five short, spooky stories were presented to the viewers. The premise was getting the audience to figure out which stories were, as the title indicates, were fact or fiction. However, the best part of each episode was the corny pun that Frakes would deliver after each tale. Here's some of his best work:
Unfortunately, contacting Frakes totally slipped my mind. I remembered that I wanted to do another April Fools or April Truths a couple of weeks ago, and by then, it was too late.
I'll make sure to ask Frakes to do this ahead of time next year. In the meantime, here is the latest installment of April Fools and April Truths. These are six crazy stories that may or may not have happened to me. Guess which ones are April Fools or April Truths, and check out the answer key at the very bottom once you're done reading all six stories.
Oh, and please enjoy my puns. I've done my best to simulate Frakes, but he is the master, so he needs to be involved in this next year.
1. Stalker Chick:
I bought my girlfriend a dog for Christmas - a boxer named Sherlock. He has been terrorizing the house - he's ripped pillows apart, chewed on shoes and nearly swallowed my cell phone - but he's only four months old, so that's to be expected. He's a good puppy on occasion, but he has so much energy that he usually feels the need to chew on everything he can get his hands (paws? mouth?) on.
If you live in the northeastern part of this country, you know how unbelievably cold and miserable it's been this winter. Thus, I haven't walked him very far on most days. However, it was in the 50s one afternoon a couple of weeks ago, so I decided to take him around the neighborhood.
As I approached one of the corners, I spotted this blonde chick talking on her cell phone in her car. She spotted me, hung up the phone and got out of her vehicle. She waited for me to walk by to strike up a conversation with me:
"Hey, how have you been?"
How have I been? I've never even spoken to her in my entire life, so why would she start with that question? She looked like she had genuine interest in the answer to that question, though she may have been deceiving me because her eyes were a little crossed. It made her look kind of crazy; otherwise, she would've been somewhat attractive.
Me: I've been OK, you?
Girl: Great! How's your dog? He settling in OK?
Me: Yeah, I guess.
Girl: You've had him six weeks now, so it must be getting easier.
WHOA! How did she know that? She came with the exact duration, and she was super confident, almost as if she happened to be there with me when I picked up the dog. I tried walking away, but she kept following me.
Me: Uhh... yeah, six weeks.
Stalker Chick: He's gotten so big!
Me: I guess he has.
Stalker Chick: Does he bother you a lot at home?
Me: He can be annoying sometimes, but he already knows to go outside if he needs to go to the bathroom.
Stalker Chick: That's great! I know you write for your site at home, so it's great that you can stay home with him!
UHH... WHAT? Again, how the hell did she get this information? I'll repeat myself: I had never seen or spoken to this chick before. But she continued to follow me around the neighborhood, staring me and something else down at the same time with her crossed eyes.
Me: Yeah... it helps.
Stalker Chick: So, what do you do when you leave the house? Crate him?
Stalker Chick: That's good. But you don't leave the house much anyway except to go to the gym a couple of times per week.
Me: Uhh... how do you know...
Stalker Chick: Gotta go, see ya!
Stalker Chick may have gotten the sense that I was getting both uncomfortable and very suspicious, so she retreated back to her car. By the time I got home, I realized that she and my girlfriend were friends. I asked my girlfriend about her when she got home.
"Blonde girl with crossed-eyes?" my girlfriend asked that evening. "No, I don't really talk to anyone in this neighborhood."
And now I'm concerned for my well-being.
So, is this tale of the crazy girl something that actually transpired? Or are you being stalked by a work of fiction?
2. Finger Licker:
As you may know, there are numerous strange people at my gym. There will never be anyone as weird as Homeless Clown Woman, a scary, crazy lady who walks around the pool because she believes the government won't watch her there.
One day, I spotted a fat Russian in the pool I had never seen before. Not that I haven't bumped into fat Russians there, but this one looked incredibly ridiculous. He was extremely compact, almost shaped like a bowling ball. He happened to be floating on a pink noodle, which made him look even more hilarious.
This bowling ball of a human being was just floating around, minding his own business, when he began hollering at the lifeguard. She walked over to see what was wrong.
Human Bowling Ball: Vater iz cold! Vater iz too cold!
Lifeguard: The pool is 86 degrees...
Human Bowling Ball: No, not zis vater! Zat vater!
Human Bowling Ball pointed to the hose, which was filling up the pool. Apparently, he was not pleased about the cold water it was pumping in.
Lifeguard: I have to fill up the pool.
Human Bowling Ball: You no have to fill pool! Pool good!
Lifeguard: If I don't fill up the pool, I'm going to have to close it. It's almost below the gutter level.
Human Bowling Ball: No! Iz good! I know iz good!
Lifeguard: You don't work here. Believe me, I have to fill up the pool, or I'll have to close it. Do you want me to close it?
Human Bowling Ball: No, I no vant close! Vhy no can put hot vater in hose? Vhy cold vater!?
Yeah, sure, let's ask the lifeguard to activate the magical hose that pours in hot water. What a great idea!
Lifeguard: There's no hot-water hose. This has to be on. I can turn on the other one, but then everyone would complain.
Human Bowling Ball: Vhat ozzer hose!?
Lifeguard: That one over there, but it's much stronger, and then everyone will be miserable.
The lifeguard pointed to the side of the pool. That's when the Human Bowling Ball made his move. He grabbed her finger and began licking it.
Lifeguard: Ahhh, what are you doing!?
Human Bowling Ball: You very pretty girl.
Lifeguard: Let go of my finger!
Human Bowling Ball: So pretty girl. Very pretty girl.
The lifeguard had to wrestle her finger away from the Human Bowling Ball's grubby grasp. She walked away, looking completely disgusted. Fortunately, she did not see me, as I couldn't help but laugh at what I just saw.
Did this actually happen? Did the Human Bowling Ball really lick the lifeguard's finger? Or am I pointing you toward another lie?
3. Locker Room Fight:
Not all of the craziness at my gym happens at the pool. There are strange people in the locker room as well. I've mentioned this one old guy who once criticized my profession and then tried pimping out his granddaughters to me a few minutes later.
He spotted me again one afternoon. By the look in his eye, I could tell that he was ready to ask me if I wanted to pay him for a night with one of his granddaughters. He began approaching me, when someone got his attention.
This other man is someone I like to call Vlad - because 1) He looks like the Russian guy on the Vlad vodka bottles, and 2) I once saw him at the liquor store buying a bottle of Vlad. The only difference in appearance is this guy is a bit older. He's in his late 50s and has a gray mustache instead of a black one. He always seems drunk, too. He's usually stumbling around and slurring at people. He began to do this at Grandfather Pimp.
Vlad: I have no room! You make room!
Grandfather Pimp: What?
Vlad: No room! No room for my cloze! No can sit on bench!
Grandfather Pimp: Then go to another bench!
Vlad: I no vant ozzer bench! Zis my bench!
Grandfather Pimp: This is no one's bench! I was here first, so I'm not moving!
Vlad: You move, or I srow your cloze in pool!
Grandfather Pimp: If you do that, I'll tell my son!
Vlad: Who your son!? I no know your son!
Grandfather Pimp: My son is the vice president of American Express!
Vlad: Your son iz piece of s**t!
Grandfather Pimp: How dare you!? My son went to India and wears thousand-dollar suits!
Vlad: Your son know nasing! He probably sell drug!
Grandfather Pimp: That's it! No one insults my son!
Grandfather Pimp charged toward Vlad, who was taken aback by the aggression. He stumbled backward and tripped over his precious bench. He fell over and hit his head on a locker. Grandfather Pimp sniggered, while Vlad remained on the ground for several minutes, unable to get up. He remained there as I left.
What do you think? Did this confrontation actually happen? Or did you just fight through another work of fiction?
4. Loaded Baked Potato Man:
Our next story takes us to Saladworks. I was ready to order loaded baked potato soup to go along with my salad when this thuggish-looking guy in his late 20s stormed toward the counter and began complaining.
Loaded Baked Potato Man: You need to change yo sign!
Loaded Baked Potato Man: I got yo loaded baked potato soup, and I ain't seen no bacon or cheddah in it!
Saladworks Employee: Well, it has bacon and cheddar flavor.
Loaded Baked Potato Man: But that ain't loaded! It gotta have bacon and cheddah in there to be loaded, yo!
Saladworks Employee: I'm sorry. I could get you a different soup free of charge.
Loaded Baked Potato Man: No, I like dis soup.
Saladworks Employee: Oh, so I'm not sure what you want me to do.
Loaded Baked Potato Man: I want you to change yo sign! It ain't suppose to say loaded if ain't loaded, ya feelin' me?
I had enough. I couldn't take it anymore. I go to this Saladworks so often, so if anyone's going to criticize it, it's going to be me. Besides, this guy was being an unreasonable raging lunatic who needed to be put in his place.
Me: Dude, chill out.
Loaded Baked Potato Man: Whachu sayin'?
Me: It's good soup. You said it yourself. Stop complaining.
Loaded Baked Potato Man: I'm juss tryin' to get the sign corrected, yo.
Me: I know, but it's not a big deal.
Loaded Baked Potato Man: Aight, aight, I was sick and juss tryin' to make myself feel better with some bacon and cheddah in the soup.
I don't get this logic. He was sick, so he thought he needed bacon and cheddar from a Saladworks soup? How does that make any sense?
Loaded Baked Potato Man, looking defeated, went back to his table. The Saladworks manager, meanwhile, thanked me. I thought I would get a free cookie as a reward, but no such luck. I feel like I should've complained about that.
So, how about it? Was this tale about the soup complaint a truthful one? Or was this story loaded with lies?
5. Lasagna Pan Interrogation:
Back in October, I mentioned that I was on a quest for a lasagna pan. My goal was to spend $1,219.95 at Acme so that I could obtain a lasagna pan as a reward. Well, between me and my girlfriend, we managed to get there!
Or so I thought. I went to Acme to pick up my lasagna pan. I approached the customer service desk they have behind the checkout lines and presented my card. The woman, a fat lady with glasses and unkempt hair, took my items and began mashing things into a computer.
Acme Lady: What prize do you want?
Me: The lasagna pan! I can't wait to eat lasagna!
Acme Lady: OK... hmm... I'm looking over the purchases you made when you swiped your Acme card.
Acme Lady: It says you bought 142 boxes of Cocoa Puffs over the past year.
Me: Ha! That's awesome!
Acme Lady: Not really. You've been deemed ineligible for this contest.
Acme Lady: Look at the fine print at the bottom of your promotion card.
I looked at it, and there it was - single-item purchases of more than 50 quantities would not count. Thus, 72 of my Cocoa Puff boxes didn't count toward my purchases.
I felt like I wanted to cry. My precious lasagna...
The lady noticed that I was upset, so she tried to cheer me up.
Acme Lady: You can get a small pan.
Me: I don't want a small pan! I want lasagna!
Acme Lady: Well, if you want, you can buy it for $59.99.
Me: No! I spent more than $1,200 to get my free lasagna pan, so I want a lasagna pan!
Acme Lady told me there was nothing she could do, but she summoned the manager. The manager, some middle-aged man with a porno mustache, tried to console me by telling me that there might be a sale on these lasagna pans at some point next month, but it didn't help.
Alas, my love of Cocoa Puffs betrayed me. But instead of getting diabetes, I lost my precious lasagna pan.
What do you think? Did I lose my chance at the lasagna pan? Or was this a recipe for another fictional tale?
6. Crazy Horse Girl:
My Valentine's Day adventures sparked some controversy. A couple of people commented about what I had to say about homeless people after Crazy Horse Girl asked me how I felt about them.
I was shocked to discover that there were people as mentally insane as Crazy Horse Girl. I always thought that Crazy Horse Girl was one of a kind. This makes me extremely pessimistic about the future of humanity, as the regression of natural selection means that these idiots will pass on their DNA. Before we know it, this world will be crawling with people who think that homeless people are lovely, and that horses pulling carriages must be saved from doing so, meaning they'll get put down in the process.
Apparently, Crazy Horse Girl didn't take too kindly to my Jerks of the Week entry. She IMed me on G-chat a recent Thursday afternoon...
Crazy Horse Girl: Walter.
Me: [Name redacted].
Crazy Horse Girl: How dare you?
Me: How dare I what?
Crazy Horse Girl: I'm going to ask my mom to contact the family lawyer.
Me: For what?
Crazy Horse Girl: You used my name in Idiots of the Week.
Me: It's Jerks of the Week.
Crazy Horse Girl: I don't care. You'll be hearing from my family lawyer soon for using my name.
Me: I didn't use your name. I used "Crazy Horse Girl." Unless you legally changed your name to Crazy Horse Girl, and can be identified by that pseudonym, I have nothing to fear.
Crazy Horse Girl: Your a jackass.
Me: You're*. And I don't see why.
Crazy Horse Girl: You hate homeless people and horses. You are a horrible person.
Me: Ugh. I never said I hated homeless people. I just said that I don't care about them, and I said that they would benefit from better living conditions by committing crimes, which is true, so I try to avoid them because some of them might be crazy. This is all factual. And you know what else is factual? That horses you "save" from pulling carriages will be put down because they won't have anything else to do, and unless you're going to do it, no one's going to pay to have them just galloping in meadows.
Crazy Horse Girl: Your an a**hole.
And just like that, my conversation with Crazy Horse Girl came to an abrupt end. She signed off, which I took as a sign that she blocked me. I have no idea why, since I would never contact her in the first place. I shrugged my shoulders, went about my day and made a mental note to keep ignoring homeless people and horse petitions.
How about this final story? Did this conversation actually take place? Or have I just been horsing around?
Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? Here's your last chance before looking at the answer key...
Stalker Chick - April Truth! I'm seriously terrified. I have no idea how that crossed-eyed girl got all of that information. Perhaps I shouldn't have written about her...
Finger Licker - April Truth! Poor lifeguard... unless she secretly liked a fat Russian resembling a bowling ball licking her fingers. I don't know, some people might be into that.
Locker Room Fight - April Truth! I'm assuming Vlad woke up hours later, figured he just passed out from drinking too much, and resumed chugging vodka from a bottle featuring a man looking exactly like him.
Loaded Baked Potato Man - April Truth! Yet another April Truth... this guy was just pathetic. Saladworks' loaded baked potato soup is delicious, loaded or not.
Lasagna Pan Interrogation - April Fools! I actually managed to get that lasagna pan, meaning I spent more than $1,200 at Acme. My girlfriend made lasagna for me, and it was delicious. Oh, and by the way, I feel like the 142 boxes of Cocoa Puffs is an accurate figure.
Crazy Horse Girl - April Fools! I haven't spoken to Crazy Horse Girl since I posted that Jerks entry, so I have no idea if she read it or not. Unfortunately, there are other crazy people out there. That much is factual.
How many did you figure out correctly? And what does your score say about you?
0-1 Correct - You don't know me at all. Or, you're one of the crazies who wants to make sweet love to homeless people. Please wear a condom though, so you don't pass on your DNA? Thanks!
2-3 Correct - You don't know me that well, and you are probably a normal human being. It's OK if you don't use a condom.
4-5 Correct - You know me very well. But if you hang out with Stalker Chick, you'll be up to "6 correct" level in no time.
6 Correct - You know me way too well. And hello there, Stalker Chick. Please don't stab me in my sleep.