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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 17, 2009
Jerks of the Year: The Philadelphia Eagles
Instead of writing about my hatred toward Jolly Ranchers, or complaining about my douche-bag neighbors this week, I'm just going to talk about one thing - an organization that did something so despicable, unjust and illogical that they deserve the ultimate WalterFootball.com dishonor - the Jerk of the Year Award.
I'm going to delve into every aspect of the Eagles' signing of QB Dog Killer. But let's start at the genesis of this whole debaclization. Let's try to figure out how owner Jeff Lurie, Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb came to the decision to sign a man who electrocuted, drowned and hanged hundreds of dogs:
1. Let's Sign QB Dog Killer!
I wasn't in the meeting between Lurie, Reid, McNabb and Vick, but I'm going to guess that it went something like this:
Lurie: Guys! Michael Vick is available! Let's sign him so I can make lots of money! The fans may not like it, but I say screw em! I need money to install an eighth pool in my mansion!
Reid: Uhh... uhh... uhh... I don't know... uhh... hem, hem... uhh... Michael, time's yours...
Vick: I am sorry I... umm... sorry, I can't read what I wrote on this index card... I'm... oh yeah, remorseful for what I did. I am a bad, bad man, and I will work with PETA to restore my image so I can make more money to start another secret dogfighting ring, I mean uhh... whoops, who said that? Not me!
Lurie: Sounds remorseful to me, guys. What do you think?
McNabb: Let's sign him. There are worse crimes out there than what Michael did - like real black-on-black crime that involves a guy stealing another guy's limelight or taking all of the credit for wins. If you ask me, Terrell Owens should be thrown out of the league.
Reid: Uhh... hold on a second guys... uhh... uhh... phone's ringing... uhh... hello... uhh... time's yours... uhh... uhh... uhh... uhh... uhh... OK, hold on, time's mine... Mr. Lurie... uhh... Jeffrey Dahmer's on the line... uhh... he wants a second chance. I believe in second chances. Let's... uhh... sign him too. Time's yours.
Lurie: Holy hamburgers, do you think we can sell Dahmer jerseys, guys!? If so, say hello to Pool No. 9!
McNabb: There are worse crimes than cutting up people and eating them. As long as Jeffrey doesn't steal my parking spot or my glory, I'm all for it.
Vick: Cutting up and eating dogs? This intrigues me.
Lurie: He did die, so he served his life sentence. He deserves a second chance as long as he plays well.
Lurie's Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Lurie, I have Osama bin Laden on hold. He says he wants a second chance and would love to play for your team. Should I put him through?
Lurie: Yes, woman! I need all the publicity and money I can get!
2. The Football Aspect
I guess you can tell where I stand from a moral standpoint, so let's forget that for a second. What perplexes me is that this signing makes absolutely no sense from a football perspective. The Eagles did not work QB Dog Killer out, so they had no idea how well he could throw the ball or how fast he could still run. How do you sign anyone, especially a convicted sick bastard like QB Dog Killer, without even working him out?
QB Dog Killer, meanwhile, hasn't taken a snap in two years, hasn't watched any film and doesn't know Philadelphia's offense. And to top it all off, he sucked before he went to prison! QB Dog Killer was completely horrendous in his final two years in Atlanta, completing only 54 percent of his passes and maintaining a pedestrian YPA of 6.3.
I would take A.J. Feeley as a backup quarterback over QB Dog Killer in a heartbeat. Feeley knows the offense and has actually taken a snap in the past 24 months. Plus, there's no chance that Feeley commits a crime in the near future (more on that later).
3. Jeffrey Lurie - Money-Hungry Tyrant
So, what was the whole point in signing QB Dog Killer if the Eagles didn't work out a player who sucked before going to prison for two years? I don't think the Eagles would go through this whole dog and pony show to acquire a guy who will play 3-5 snaps a game for nothing.
The whole point of this was to put money in Lurie's deep pockets. Lurie has proven time and again as owner of the Eagles that he doesn't care what the fans think. He just wants to make a quick buck or two, and doesn't mind if he screws his fans in the slightest way possible. Lurie simply wanted to be on the front page of both Philadelphia newspapers and take all of the attention away from the Philadelphia Phillies.
I will say this - it really helps Lurie's cause that Philadelphia is a city run by crooked, myopic politicians who have raised city taxes so insanely high that hundreds of businesses are moving to the suburbs each year, causing Philly to go into bankruptcy. It's no coincidence all of the public city pools are shut down (Valley Club situation) and there are closed stores on almost every block.
Lurie knew he wouldn't face any sort of opposition from the scumbags in city hall. It was the ideal situation for Lurie to fund the building of his eighth pool.
4. There Are Decent People in This City...
I was half-expecting everyone to blindly applaud the Eagles and support their team's idiotic decision, so I was very pleased to discover that there are some people here who actually get it.
On Friday, I was at the mall with my friend Ben, and we went to this awesome pizza place run by a woman who's a die-hard Eagles fan. We don't know her too well, but I was curious as to what she thought about the QB Dog Killer situation. Ben decided to take the initiative and asked, "So, you're an Eagles fan, right?" She threw down her clipboard onto the counter and quickly shouted: "Not anymore!" I applauded.
On Saturday, I was at a friend's house for a fantasy football draft. Prior to the draft, his mom announced, "If anyone drafts Michael Vick, you'll be asked to leave." Bravo.
Earlier that day, I was discussing the QB Dog Killer situation with my friend Dale. Our mutual friend Ace, a firefighter, approached us, so we asked him if he liked the signing. "No... no..." he said with a disgusted look on his face and quickly walked away from us.
And of course, as members of the forum know, there is a poll on 6ABC.com where 76 percent of voters don't agree with the signing of QB Dog Killer.
I've also received many e-mails from people who also get it. Here are four of about a dozen:
I'm so sorry. I truly am. Despite being a Steelers fan who has never particularly liked the team that shall not be named...I feel so bad for you right now. You ppl don't deserve this.
I would tell you that I hope the Eagles lose every game. Here is how they should be punished: They should be forced to take a loss in every game, then be forced to trade the top pick to either the Giants, Redskins, or Cowboys for a 7th rounder. That way we still get to see them lose every game, and the team that gets the top pick can take Sam Bradford and let him kick Andy Reid's a** twice a year for the next 12-15 years.
Also, I think the Eagles should become the subject of Emmitt on the Brink. If the Patriots' punishment for using a stupid video camera was being forced to be coached by Emmitt, Brad Clueless and Romeo Crennel, then the Eagles deserve Emmitt as head coach, Jaime Dukes as OC, Deion Sanders as DC, Michael Irvin as wide receivers coach, Keyshawn Johnson as special teams coordinator, Steve Young as QB coach, and Steve Mariucci as offensive line coach. And of course, Vick will be this year's Anthony Morelli, throwing interceptions and completing 51 percent on the field and electrocuting dogs off the field.
I know you say you're not a Philly fan, but I assume that even if you really don't root for any one team, I figure you must like the Eagles on some level because you live there - kind of like how a woman you work with gradually becomes more attractive over a few months, that sort of thing. I feel really bad for you. My team got Jay Cutler and, well... yeah. Really, I'm sorry.
I know you're sick watching the Eagles sign Vick. How utterly stupid on their part. I'm truly sorry about that. I've lost respect for Goodell.
Vick is a sick f***ing person. I
personally hate dogs, but there's no way in hell I could ever kill an innocent
dog, or any sort of animal. Seriously, a few weeks ago I hit a beaver on the
way to my girlfriends house, and I felt guilty about it all during sexy time.
And I think that killing a bunch of dogs on purpose and making them fight each
other is much worse than killing one person (as Stallworth did), but thats just
me and I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with that.
I hate Philly fans with
a passion (mainly Flyers fans, I live in Pittsburgh), but they don't deserve to
have a dog killing son of a bitch as their quarterback. Hopefully the first
time he steps on the field he tears every muscle in his leg and has to have it
amputated, so we don't have to go through this again.
As much as I love the
Steelers, I would have stopped paying any attention to them had they signed
Vick, and I feel bad for all the Eagles fans who have to abandon a team they
watched for so long. All these retards on ESPN who think this was a good
signing needs to get Dictator Goodell's c**k out of their mouths and do their
Now, to be fair, I have received e-mails and responses on the forum from people who hate dogs and want to see them wiped off the planet (kidding, maybe), so before you e-mail me and criticize me for hating this move, note that I've heard every argument from your side. To that, I say that's your opinion, and your opinion is wrong...
5. But Vick Served His Time!
So, why is your opinion wrong? Well, let's begin with the most common response to this signing: "Vick served his time and is now a free man!"
Not everyone who goes to jail gets their old job back. Ask anyone who wanted to become a teacher and got busted for underage drinking. That so-called "crime" is broken by more than half of the teenagers living in this country (source: WalterFootball.com), yet these people lost their potential job for committing it.
If QB Dog Killer were a vice president of a corporation, would he be allowed to continue his occupation after being convicted as a dog drowner? Absolutely not.
It's a complete disgrace that QB Dog Killer did what he did and is allowed to make $1.6 million this year. What a great example for the kids. Sure, go ahead, kill dogs, commit other crimes - you can still make millions of dollars once you go through the legal process!
Look, QB Dog Killer should be allowed to make a living now. If McDonald's wants to hire him, that's great. If he wants to go mine coal somewhere, awesome. If he wants to turn tricks at a corner or become Matt Leinart's pool boy (not sure which one's worse), I'm all for it. But once again, allowing him to make $1.6 million as if nothing ever happened is an absolute disgrace, and Roger Goodell and Jeffrey Lurie should be ashamed of themselves.
6. But Vick Deserves a Second Chance!
Excuse No. 2 on the list for people defending this charade is the belief that QB Dog Killer deserves a second chance. Quite frankly, this is the biggest crock of s**t I've ever heard. What people ignore is that QB Dog Killer has had dozens of chances, both morally and legally.
Beginning with the former, let's examine QB Dog Killer's thought process when he was killing his dogs:
"Whoops, I electrocuted this dog with these jumper cables! Should I stop this? Should I quit killing dogs in the most inhumane ways possible? (Chance No. 2) Nah... let me go drown this dog. La la la, this is fun ... OK, I just held this dog underwater in my pool until it died. Should I stop now? Should I quit being a monster? (Chance No. 3) Nah... let me hang this next dog from a tree."
QB Dog Killer didn't just electrocute one dog. He didn't just drown one dog. He didn't just debaclize one dog. He killed tons of them in a span of FIVE YEARS.
As for the legal aspect of this, ESPN analyst Mark Schlereth brought up a great point. The authorities asked QB Dog Killer to cooperate many times. They told him they were building evidence against him, and offered him a CHANCE to turn himself in and stop all of the madness. Overlord Roger Goodell also asked QB Dog Killer about this, yet QB Dog Killer lied right to his face.
As far as I'm concerned, QB Dog Killer has already used up all of his chances, and anyone who believes otherwise is ignoring all of the facts.
7. But Donte' Stallworth's Crime Was Worse!
For those of you unfamiliar with Donte' Stallworth, the Cleveland Browns receiver killed a man while driving drunk. Stallworth was subsequently suspended for a year, but didn't receive a prison sentence because the victim apparently stepped in front of Stallworth's vehicle to catch a bus.
I agree with the Stallworth suspension, but is Stallworth's crime worse? The "what" in Stallworth's crime absolutely is. One man's life (assuming he's not a scumbag criminal) is worth more than the lives of a million dogs. I've never said otherwise.
However, the "how" in QB Dog Killer's crime was much more severe, and this aspect is much more important than the "what."
Stallworth never meant to kill anyone. He didn't get into the driver's seat and shout, "I'm going to kill the first human I see on the road, muhahaha!" Stallworth's crime was an accident. Even after he hit the man, he stayed with him and called the police. He cooperated with the authorities and gave monetary compensation to the victim's family without being forced to do so.
Stallworth made a really, really dumb mistake, but he's a decent human being worthy of a second chance.
QB Dog Killer, meanwhile, killed dogs by holding them underwater until they drowned. He attached jumper cables to them and electrocuted them. He hanged them from trees. Just say that to yourself a few times and imagine that happening.
QB Dog Killer is a sick psychopath, the sort of guy the FBI does profiles on. As far as I'm concerned, QB Dog Killer should be locked up in a mental facility where trained professionals help him recover and become a decent man.
8. But He's Remorseful!
Did I say the second-chance thing was the biggest crock of s**t I've ever heard? I take that back; this is.
QB Dog Killer is not remorseful for his crimes. He's remorseful that he got caught and lost all of his money. You don't go from drowning and electrocuting dogs to being truly sorry. Only the na?ve would believe otherwise.
What I said is all common sense opinion, so let's actually look at some interesting facts, brought to you by forum member J Snazzy (references at the bottom):
Of the nine school shootings between 1996 and 1999, half of the shooters had histories of animal cruelty.
The largest single survey to date of serial killers found:
- 36 percent admitted to committing animal cruelty as children
- 46 percent admitted to committing animal cruelty as adolescents
- 36 percent admitted to committing animal cruelty as adults
Of 332 animal cruelty arrests studied by the Chicago Police Department:
- 70 percent of suspects had arrests on felony charges (including two homicides)
- 86 percent of suspects had multiple arrests
- 70 percent of suspects had narcotics charges (68 percent of which were for sales or trafficking)
- 65 percent of suspects had been charged with battery-related violent offenses
- 27 percent of suspects had previous firearms charges
- 13 percent of suspects had been arrested on sex crime charges
A Massachusetts study of 153 animal abusers found that within 10 years of their arrest, 70 percent were charged with other crimes:
- 38 percent were charged with violent crimes
- 44 percent were charged with property crimes
- 37 percent were charged with drug offenses
- 37 percent were charged with disorderly offenses
Ted Bundy, David Berkowitz and Jeffrey Dahmer (potentially the next Eagle, even though he's dead) have more in common than just being serial killers. These three murderers are also connected by the fact that each of them tortured and/or killed animals during their childhoods. "Researchers, as well as
the FBI and other law enforcement agencies nationwide have linked animal cruelty to domestic violence, child abuse, serial killings and to the recent rash of killings by school age children," says Dr. Randall Lockwood (vice president of training and initiatives for the Humane Society of the United States.)
So there you go. Ignoring these facts is silly, and believing that QB Dog Killer will be clean for the rest of his life is incredibly na?ve. Sure, you can say that any sort of research like this can favor anything. That's fine. Just show me some numbers that say inhumane dog drowners and dog electrocuters don't become murders and/or sex offenders down the road.
9. No More Eagles Fans?
If I were an Eagles fan, I'd be ashamed of the front office and I would not root for the team as long as QB Dog Killer is on the roster. I really don't understand how anyone can still bleed white and green. If everyone really got it, Lincoln Financial Field would be completely empty on Sept. 20. It almost depresses me that something like that won't happen.
I live in Philly, but I'm not an Eagles fan. When I created this Web site back in 1999, I decided that it would be best if I were unbiased. I'm not too emotionally invested in many things, so not rooting for any NFL team was pretty easy. The only time I've cheered for the Eagles in the past decade has been when I've bet on them; conversely, I've only cheered against them when I was betting on their opponent.
However, things have changed. In the wake of the QB Dog Killer signing, I officially hate the Eagles. I hope karma kicks their a** and they go 0-16. And anyone who truly gets it will be right there with me, hoping that the Eagles quickly realize how foolish they are. In the meantime, they are my Jerks of the Year.