Jerks of the Week: April Fools and April Truths IX: College Edition
I can't believe I've been writing April Fools and April Truths for nine years! That's incredible. It's also depressing because I've been promising Jonathan Frakes for nine years, and yet I've failed to deliver.
For those of you who are new, this is the ninth-annual edition of this sort of segment, where I post five or six stories, and you'll have to determine whether you're being "April Fooled" or not. The answer key to see whether each story is a fabrication or not will be available at the bottom of this entry.
This, of course, was inspired by Fact or Fiction, a show from the 90s where Frakes, the man who played Commander William Riker on Star Trek: The Next Generation, hosted an hourlong program featuring creepy tales that may or may not have been true. At the end of each segment, Frakes would pop on screen and ask the audience if it thought the story was true or not, only he would do so with a cheesy pun, like these:
I've been promising Frakes for nearly a decade now. I've stated before that I would donate to a charity of his choice if he would write the puns at the end of each story. And each year, I forget to do this. When the NFL Draft is complete, I think, "I have all summer to do this," and then it slips my mind. Then, football begins, and by the time that's over, I'm busy writing up my fantasy and free agent sections, and also preparing for the upcoming NFL Draft. It's an endless cycle of forgetfulness and incompetence.
I swear, one of these years I'll have Frakes on to write the puns in exchange for donating to a charity of his choice. For now, let's continue with my own crappy puns.
At any rate, because everything is still on lockdown here in Philadelphia, I don't have many stories to tell. I was at a loss for what to do for April Fools and April Truths. I turned on the TV and saw the NCAA Tournament, and that's when it hit me: I could write about some stuff that happened during my wild Penn State years! Of course, not all of these stories will be true. Can you guess which ones I've fabricated? Here we go!
1. The Taco Story:
As all of you know, I'm a very obese individual. My blood pressure is high, my cholesterol levels are through the roof, and I can barely fit through the front door of my house. Part of the reason for this was my love of tacos at Penn State.
I'm not joking when I say this, but the Penn State dining commons have - or at least had - the best tacos I've ever eaten in my life. It's true. I've eaten at many Mexican restaurants, both private and chain, and nothing has even come close to Penn State's tacos, save for this placed called Tijuana Flats, which had these delicious items called Double Cheesy Tacos. Unfortunately, Tijuana Flats closed. I thought my excessive patronage would have kept them open, but apparently not.
Penn State tacos were so damn good that I had a schedule planned for them. I'd hop on the dining commons Web site and chart when and where these tacos would be available. I would plan my schedule accordingly. It didn't matter where my classes were, or if I had the potential for a hot lunch date. Nothing was standing in my way from eating those delicious tacos.
One Tuesday afternoon, they were serving tacos in the North dining halls. I had a class on the south side of campus that ended at 12:30. I had another class there that began at 1 p.m. The walk to the North dining halls took 15 minutes. Thus, even if I received my food after standing in line and ate all my tacos in just 15 minutes, I'd still be 15 minutes late for class. Was I willing to take two long walks and eat delicious tacos in exchange for being 15 minutes late for class? What kind of a question is that? Seriously, you should know how fat I am by now.
I asked for four tacos from the lunch lady, and she looked at me like I was crazy. I didn't care. I quickly brought my tacos to the various stations and dumped shredded cheese and queso into all of them. I inhaled all four as if I were a dog being fed cupcakes, and then downed a glass of Pepsi. I burped.
Phew. Off to class.
I walked downstairs, and I suddenly felt my stomach grumble. I stepped outside, and it got worse. Uh oh!
I ran back into the commons and sprinted toward the bathroom. Thankfully, there was a toilet seat open. Mere seconds upon sitting down, the most violent diarrhea exploded out of my buttocks.
Thirty minutes later, I finally arrived to class. It was 1:45. I was 45 minutes late because of the tacos and my bowel movement!
I sat down next to my friend Judy. "Why are you late?" she whispered.
"Tacos," I replied.
She nodded, completely understanding the scope of my obesity.
I tried to pay attention to what the professor was saying, but I quickly drifted off into a food coma. My sphincter relaxed as a result, which was unfortunate because I apparently didn't poop out all of my food.
It was so loud that the professor stopped talking. Everyone turned around and looked at me.
"Oh crap!" I yelped.
Literally. I sharted my pants!
"I have to go, emergency!" I squealed, quickly gathering my things and bolting out the door to the bathroom once again. I have no idea what we were supposed to learn in class that day.
So, did this tale of the tacos interrupting the entire class occur? Or was this just one big, fat lie?
2. Farmer Videos:
I had just two roommates during my time at Penn State. One is a friend and currently works for me as the developer of this Web site. The other was a farmer.
Yes, a farmer. Pennsylvania is a strange and wonderful place. We have two giant cities and a renowned university, and nothing but farmland in between the three locations.
My farmer roommate was a chill dude, but he was not used to not being a farmer. He would often go to bed at sunset and wake up at sunrise because he was just used to that schedule. I initially felt bad about watching TV at night and keeping him up, but then I remembered that I'm a heartless bastard who doesn't care.
My farmer roommate also didn't have a computer during the fall semester. "I don't know how to work those gizmos," he once said to me.
That all changed over winter break. My farmer roommate's dad bought him a laptop for Christmas. He initially typed keys in one at a time, as many old people do. That gave me a chuckle for a while.
"Hey, now you can look at porn!" I joked.
His eyes widened.
"You can do that?" he asked.
I introduced him to the porn world, and he was quickly hooked. Too hooked, in fact. One day, I returned early because my class was canceled. I walked in, and was instantly shocked by what I saw. His pants were down, and he was yanking his wang!
My farmer roommate didn't see me because his back was turned to me. However, I was able to see the porn he was watching. It was a farmer banging a woman in a barn, and there were horses around them and cows mooing in the background.
I couldn't believe it. Farm porn. And all because of me. I created a monster!
Obviously, my farmer roommate was embarrassed. I promised never to tell anyone - until now. I am a heartless bastard, after all!
So, is this story of the farmer roommate true? Or was it as fictious as a cow jumping over the moon?
3. Spider Savior:
There was a guy on my floor that year I called Joseph Scarfman. His name likely wasn't Joseph, but I called him that because of what I heard him shriek into the phone one day.
"Jotheph, no!" he whined with a lisp. "Jotheph, no!!! JOTHEPH, NOOOOOOO!!!!"
I wasn't friends with Joseph Scarfman, so I never asked why he was yelling this. I imagine a person really named Joseph was breaking up with him. Sad. I thought those two kids were going to make it!
The real Joseph didn't know what he would be missing with Joseph Scarfman. You see, I dubbed his last name to be "Scarfman" because he began wearing scarves all the time. He would even do so when it was warm. I suppose he was making a fashion statement. I firmly believe that any man who wears a scarf is a big-time loser, so Joseph Scarfman quickly became my enemy.
Little did I know that I would become his savior.
I was in the shower one day when I heard a violent, girlish scream. It was something you'd hear out of a horror movie.
I turned off the shower and quickly grabbed my towel. I stepped out of the shower to save what I assumed was a damsel in distress. Perhaps this would lead to a hot lunch date. Instead, I saw Joseph Scarfman standing near another shower door, completely naked.
He pointed at the ground. I looked down and saw what was producing this agonizing fear.
It was a spider. A small spider!
"Watch out," I said, bumping him out of the way. I then stomped on the arachnid, killing it in one motion. It stood no chance against my fat foot.
"Oh, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!" he yelped.
I assumed that was the end of this story, but I walked by Joseph Scarfman's room one day on the way to the bathroom. I heard several men's voices in there and thought nothing of it. I was nearing the bathroom when I was stopped.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Joseph Scarfman yelled, chasing me down. I looked back and saw him standing with three other gentlemen, all of whom were wearing scarves in April.
"This is the boy who saved me from the spider!" he chirped.
I heard gasps from the three other gentlemen.
"No problem," I said.
"He doesn't even know how brave he is," I heard one of them say when they walked in the other direction.
So, what do you think? Did I save Joseph Scarfman from the spider? Or did I trap you in my web of lies?
4. Pirate Major:
I didn't drink much in my first few years of my collegiate career. I focused on swimming, and I didn't like alcohol all that much anyway. Things changed when I switched my major to journalism, however. Classes were much easier, and I had cooler friends in those classes. And by "cooler friends," I mean women. There were no women in my computer science classes, which should surprise none of you.
My friends and I used to pregame in my dorm. We'd down several shots of whatever liquor happened to be on my desk. One warm, spring evening, that liquor happened to be a bottle of Captain Morgan.
I would ordinarily have 4-6 shots of liquor before heading out for the night as a way to save on drinks at the bar. This was a smart decision because I was a poor college student. However, on this particular evening, I downed 12 shots of Captain Morgan!
Things did not end well. I was piss drunk by the time we even got to the bar. Because I drank nothing but Captain Morgan, I began telling everyone I was a pirate.
Me: I'mzzaaa pirrrattee!
Friend: No you're not. You don't even have a pirate ship.
Me: Yeeaahhh! I taakkee PIRT 103 whichch isiss Introrudctorry to Ppllunnderringg!
PIRT 103 is Introductory to Plundering ... actually that sounds pretty cool. Scoff if you want, but if colleges can offer classes in gender studies nonsense, they can also teach students about plundering.
At any rate, I approached many women at the bar to inform them that I was a pirate major. Most didn't believe me, but one did.
Girl: Wow, really? You're a pirate major!?
Me: Yeaahahh hic! Ahhhooy matteey mee beee ppirrattingg!
Girl: That's so cool!
Me: I canann shooww yoouu myyy ppaarrtott anndd treeaaassuree thattt I ppllunndderedd!
Girl: Yeah, for sure!
I couldn't believe it. I was going to score with a girl who was interested in me because I was a future pirate!
Unfortunately, nothing happened because of what occurred next.
The 12 shots of rum, as well as the tacos I had earlier that day, came spewing out of my mouth and on the floor - all over her shoes.
I don't remember what happened after that, but I remember almost being thrown out of the bar. Fortunately, my friend was BFFs with the bouncer. He promised I wouldn't have any further incidents, so I just sat at the table with my friends with my head buried in my arms.
So, is this tale of the pirate major true? Or was this just a treasure chest containing nothing but my imagination?
5. Disgusted Girl:
I had a more serious romantic interest in college. This girl and I used to hang out a lot. She seemed to be into me, and I thought things would advance one night when she invited me to a party she was hosting.
She seemed thrilled to see me when I arrived, but I had to take a piss very badly from all the liquor I drank in my dorm room. I stepped away to the bathroom and emerged a few minutes later to see her talking to a girl who was in one of my classes. This other chick pointed to me as I was retrieving a fresh drink. She stepped away as I approached the girl I liked.
Everything was different after that. She no longer seemed to be into me. She gave me thoughtless, one-word responses for the rest of the night. She didn't want to play beer pong. And she certainly wasn't going to be engaged in any fun activities.
Things just got worse going forward. She just wanted nothing to do with me, apparently. I was distraught for a while because I liked her quite a bit.
Years later, she reached out to me with a question about a football pool of hers she was close to winning. Being in a long-term relationship at the time, I had no interest in rekindling anything with her, but I just had to know what changed on that fateful night.
Me: I feel like you were into me in college, but then things changed that one night at the party. What happened?
Girl: Oh, yeah. Someone in your class told me you sharted in class, and there was diarrhea dripping down your leg when you ran out of the classroom. I just thought that was disgusting.
Oh, beloved tacos, how you've betrayed me!
So, did the story of the disgusted girl actually happen? Or will my fabrication have you feeling sick to your stomach?
6. Jonathan Frakes:
I lied earlier. I contacted Jonathan Frakes, and he agreed to cite some cheesy puns. If you don't believe me, here's the video!
Is this a real video of Jonathan Frakes? Or am I just the ultimate master of Fact or Fiction?
Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? Here's your last chance before looking at the answer key...
The Taco Story - April Truth! Come on, you had to know this was true. I am a very obese individual, after all!
Farmer Videos - April Fools! I had a roommate who was a farmer, and he went to bed at sunset. However, he never got a computer, so I never even had the chance to get him addicted to farm porn. I would have done so if given the chance!
Spider Savior - April Truth! I was a hero amongst the gay community on my floor that year. I imagine Joseph Scarfman has a shrine in his house dedicated to the brave man who saved him from the evil spider in the showers.
Pirate Major - April Truth! That was a fun night, though it didn't end well. I can't believe I had a chance with a girl who thought I was a pirate major, and I blew it!
Disgusted Girl - April Fools! I'm sure there were tales of me sharting extremely loudly in class, but no girl stopped having interest in me because of it. At least none that I'm aware of!
Jonathan Frakes - April Truth! I'm not sure why I was lectured on wearing an obedience mask after paying $300, but it was still cool to finally have Frakes on this feature after nine years. I actually wanted Frakes to read each pun individually, but Cameo allowed just 255 characters in the instructions, and I couldn't post a link to explain what I was doing, so I did my best to combine all the puns. Maybe I'll get Frakes to read each pun in another nine years!