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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011




Jerks of the Week for Oct. 17, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: The Sociopath

I haven't faced the wrath of the fat ladies at my old gym pool because I haven't been there in a while. My old gym sucks because they close down the pool from 9 to 5 on summer weekdays for the a**hole kids who attend summer camp there. I joined a new gym because of this.

The downside to my new gym is that the pool is freezing. This isn't too bad in the summer when it's hot outside, but it's been about 60-65 degrees pretty much every day here in October. Call me crazy, but I'm just not a big fan of jumping into an 80-degree pool when I'm not warm to begin with. If that makes me a wuss, so be it. I'll have the last laugh though once I receive a big paycheck from Miller Lite after starring in those Man Card commercials. Being scared of jumping into a cold pool has to be worse than asking another dude to go to the bathroom with you, right?

Anyway, the pool at my old gym is usually about 85-87 degrees, which is much better for an old, fat man like me. It was cold and rainy this past Wednesday, so I decided it was worth taking the risk of being eaten by fat women if it meant not freezing my balls off in the water. So, I went back to my old gym.

There weren't any fat women in the pool that afternoon. In fact, there weren't any adults. I forgot, but the local grade school rents out the pool from 3:30 to 4:30 weekdays throughout the school year. What a f***ing surprise, right? My old gym is like some whore. Give the guy running it $10, and you can rent out the whole building for half an hour. They'll do anything for money, even if it means screwing over the members.

Fortunately, I arrived at 4:15. If you're too lazy to whip out your calculators, that meant I had to wait only 15 minutes. One of the coaches of the team is some hot blond milf in her mid-30s. In the past, when she would be there coaching alone, she'd let me hop into an empty lane. Unfortunately, she was working with an older woman that day who looked like Skeletor with a brown wig. She gave me a menacing look as I walked by. Either she wanted to kick me out of the pool area, or kill me so she could conquer Eternia. I didn't stay to find out.

I went back to the locker room and waited for 15 minutes. I then started swimming once the kids, the milf and Skeletor Woman cleared the pool deck. I was in the middle of my mile, when suddenly, dozens of kids poured out of the locker room and jumped into the pool. Yet another rental? Like I said, my old gym is a desperate whore.

Fortunately, this new camp/day care thing took up only half the pool. I was able to finish my mile. When I was done, I was stretching out my back when I began to notice some strange things.

First, there was a fat kid passed out on the pool deck. He seriously didn't move for a couple of minutes. He finally got up, grabbed a kickboard and started eating it. No joke. He put the kickboard into his mouth and tried to bite it.

Poor fat kid. The mean camp counselors probably took his Cheetos, Doritos and Oreos away, so he had to settle for a blue kickboard. (Though as a fat man, I can tell you that kickboards can be tasty NOM NOM NOM NOM.)

His two camp counselors didn't notice this because they were focused on some other kid. One of the counselors was this guy in his early 20s who looked like a hick dressed in a black wife beater. The other one was this blond chick in her late 20s. I would have found her extremely hot, except she had this gigantic nose. It seriously was half the size of her face.

The hick was outraged. He was yelling at some 8-year-old kid:

Hick: Your behavior is unacceptable! You're a sociopath!

Sociopath: Weeeeeee!!!!

Hick: You're a belligerent sociopath! A belligerent sociopath! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Sociopath: Weeeeeee!!!!

The Sociopath didn't seem to care at all that he was getting yelled at. It was Big Nose's turn to yell at him. I almost had to cover my ears because of her shrill voice, though her yelling consisted of just shrieking the same word over and over again:

Big Nose: SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH!

Sociopath: Weeeeeee!!!!

Big Nose: BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT!

Sociopath: Weeeeeee!!!!

I don't know what the Sociopath must have done to draw the ire of these two camp counselors, but it must have been bad. Maybe he was the one who convinced the fat kid that the blue kickboard belonged to one of the four food groups.






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: No Space Man

I mentioned earlier that I went into the locker room to wait while the milf and Skeletor were finishing up swim practice. Inside the locker room, I saw No Space Man - a previous Jerk of the Week who was disinvited from his best friend's birthday party because there was no room for him.

I hadn't seen No Space Man for a while. I could be wrong, but the last time I bumped into him, he was asking a little kid for his phone number. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

No Space Man didn't waste any time bragging about his most recent accomplishment:

No Space Man: Guess what?

Me: UGH! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, FAT F***ER! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY LITTLE KIDS TO CHAT ON THE PHONE WITH!?

OK, I didn't say that. Let's try that again.

No Space Man: Guess what?

Me: What?

No Space Man: I just swam a mile!

Me: How? The pool's been closed for almost an hour.

No Space Man: Just kidding!

Me: Ohhhkaaayyyy?

First of all, I don't want to know what No Space Man has been doing with himself in an empty locker room. I'm eating Cocoa Pebbles as I'm typing this, so I don't want to vomit my beloved cereal all over my laptop.

Second, what the hell was that exchange all about? He lied about swimming a mile just so he could say "I'm kidding" seconds later? Wow, you really fooled me, No Space Man.

Does No Space Man do this with every person he sees? I wonder if he has this type of conversation with his "best friend:"

No Space Man: Guess what?

Best Friend: What?

No Space Man: I just ate a cheeseburger!

Best Friend: Oh, OK. From where?

No Space Man: Just kidding!

Best Friend: What the f***?

Seconds later...

No Space Man: Guess what?

Best Friend: What now?

No Space Man: I just came back from a cruise.

Best Friend: Oh, that's pretty cool.

No Space Man: Just kidding!

Best Friend: You know, you're really pissing me off.

Seconds later...

No Space Man: Guess what?

Best Friend: Ugh.

No Space Man: Guess what?

Best Friend: What!?!?!?

No Space Man: I talked to this boy on the phone last night for like three hours. He's 10 years old. And then we texted until he fell asleep.

Best Friend: Let me guess - you're going to say "just kidding" right?

No Space Man: Umm... no, why would I kid about that?

Best Friend: Uhh...

That night, I'm sure Best Friend wrote himself a reminder: "Note to self: Call No Space Man tomorrow and tell him that there is no more room at my birthday party. My little brother will be there, and I don't want him molested."

And I'm sure that is exactly how No Space Man came to be.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Three Old Men

I encountered No Space Man prior to swimming my mile. He was gone by the time I was finished. I guess he couldn't continue his lewd activities in the locker room once the members started rolling in.

I did see Jerks of the Week afterward though. Three, in fact.

Three old men were changing. One was a pretty fit dude for about 70. The second was closer to 80 and seemed pretty incoherent. The third was a Russian with barely any grasp of the English language.

Despite their differences, the three men had a conversation. Or at least they tried to. Here was the gist of it:

Fit Man: I have it on good authority that the price of cotton will soon be at an all-time high.

Russian Man: Cotton iz good!

Old Geezer: Cotton ish not very exshpenshive.

Fit Man: You both better listen to me and buy as many shirts as possible because the price of cotton will be out of control soon.

Thanks for the advice, Fit Man. I just went to Hollister and bought 250 shirts because of your advice. Once the price of cotton rises, I will open up my own shirt store and sell these shirts for more than I paid for. I will also hire pirates and sellswords to create an embargo on shirts coming into this country from China. Thanks to my shirt monopoly, I will be rich! Muhahahaha!

Anyway...

Fit Man: I'm not kidding about this. Shirts will be very expensive.

Russian Man: Shirts iz good! I vear shirts!

Old Geezer: I have lotsh of shirtsh.

Fit Man: Well, don't say I didn't warn ya. I also have it on good authority that copper will be at an all-time high as well.

Quick, everyone get to the store and buy some copper!

Russian Man: Vat iz zis cooper!?

Old Geezer: Copper ish very importantsh for carsh.

Fit Man: I also have it on good authority that the price of gas will be going up.

Old Geezer: Gash ish sho exshpenshive.

Russian Man: I have gas!

Either Russian Man is insinuating that he manages a gas station, or that he just farted. I'm thinking the latter.

Old Geezer: I heardsh the other day thatsh there are no pretzelsh in Shwedensh.

Fit Man: No pretzels in Sweden? Well I wouldn't know anything about that.

Russian Man: I like pretzel! Pretzel good with... uhh... how you say... yellow vater!

Ewww!!! Pretzels with urine? Disgusting!

By the way I just Googled "pretzels Sweden." The first thing that came up: "Gourmet Chocolate Pretzels in Sweden."

Fail, right? Well, I clicked on the link, and here's what it said: "Below are your search results for Gourmet Chocolate Pretzels in Sweden. There are currently 0 worldwide listings in Gourmet Chocolate Pretzels."

The next link was one of those Yahoo Answers pages where someone asked, "Does Sweden have pretzels?" The answer: "Yes, but only the hard ones that look like pencils."

The third link was "Shipping soft pretzels to Sweden."

What the hell? Is Sweden so pathetic that they have to smuggle in pretzels? I wonder if eating pretzels over there is a crime. I can only imagine the Swedish police busting down people's doors and having their dogs sniff the whole house for illegal pretzels.

How lame is that? I don't think I could ever live in Sweden or anywhere else in the Southern Hemisphere. Things are just too whacky down there. What do they eat for snacks, blue kickboards?

I guess we all know where The Sociopath's fat friend is originally from.




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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
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Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 23


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 19


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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