South Park is usually on the money with the points they make, though when I saw one particular episode years ago, I didn't think much of it at the time. It was the episode where Stan is diagnosed as a cynical a**hole after everything he used to like turned into s**t. The point they were trying to make is that the older you get, the more s**t you see and hear in things, hence why adults don't understand the music that kids and teenagers listen to.
I, too, have become a cynical a**hole - and I don't need to see a doctor to have that condition diagnosed.
I honestly never thought it would happen. When I was a high-schooler, I listened to Notorious BIG, Puff Daddy, Mace, etc., and I bought all of the CDs. In fact, I did this so frequently that some Jamaican guy at the flea market I used to work at would alert me when he had new product.
"Eh yo mahn, I jus got da new Cloo," he'd say while passing by my booth. Minutes later, I'd hand him $10 for my new, prized D.J. Clue CD.
When I was in college, there was this new technology that was released that allowed people to burn songs onto CDs. Crazy, right? I used to do this all the time with songs I illegally downloaded off Napster and I'd make killer CDs. They were so great that some friends asked for copies. I was so cool, you guys.
Back then, I never imagined hating current music. I'm going to be making these CDs every single year until I'm an old man! I told myself.
I haven't made a CD since 2006. And not because mp3 players were invented. Oh no, I am a grumpy, stubborn man who hates change, and I would've continued to make CDs. Hell, I used a VCR until 2013!
I stopped making CDs because music started sucking.
I first noticed it when singers began spelling out words in their lyrics. For example, one song used to go, "That s**t is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" More like, "The lyrics in this song are s**t, S-H-!-T!" Did we really need words spelled out? Didn't songs used to have some kind of deep meaning? Telling us that s**t is bananas and then spelling out bananas is something a 5-year-old would get into, minus the cursing.
Whatever abomination created this song wasn't the only one to spell out words. I seem to recall the word "fabulous" being spelled out. It made me wonder if these "artists" - let's use that term loosely - were simply proud of being able to spell complex words like fabulous and bananas. I was hoping that one "artist" would try his or her hand at supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus. Now that would be a great track.
Music only got worse from there. Pitbull ruined songs by continuously yelling Dale! - I initially thought he was saying Dolly, as in Dolly Parton - and then Sean Paul made things worse by chanting indecipherable words in between his usual bada-bung-bungs. I once listened to Pitbull and Sean Paul songs back to back in my car, and my ears began to bleed. B-L-E-E-D.
See? I can spell bleed. That makes me just as creative as these musicians.
What prompted this particular Jerks entry was a song I heard recently called Seven Years. It doesn't have any of its words spelled out, and there's no guy wearing sunglasses shouting incoherently, so you'd think it would be a great song by default. The lyrics seem to be well thought-out, and the song is being acclaimed for having deep meaning. I have to admit that I didn't think it was bad at first. But then I actually paid attention to everything the musician was saying, and I've come to realize that it might just be one of the worst songs to have ever been written.
I'd like to go over this man's lyrics with you and present why the song sucks. This man, by the way, is named Lukas Graham, a person whose first name isn't even spelled correctly. I'd have to imagine that he wrote this crappy song as revenge for all the musicians who spelled things correctly in their songs. I imagine if the bananas girl went, "That s**t is bananas, B-A-N-E-N-E-X!" he wouldn't have been so mad. Damn you, bananas girl!
Anyway, let's begin...
Once I was seven years old, my mama told me
Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely.
Once I was seven years old.
This song, if you haven't heard it, is about a man reminiscing about his childhood and then ultimately envisioning what he'll be like in the future. Here, he reveals a memory from when he was 7, where his mom scared him into making friends. I'd like to know what the issue with being lonely is. Sometimes, people suck, and it's better to be left alone. This is when you can do your best thinking and plot revenge on those who have wronged you in the past, and then you can write up your kill list in lipstick... I mean, uhh, let's just move on.
It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger.
Pushing each other to the limits, we were learning quicker.
This is where I begin to get annoyed. Who is this "we" in his song that he just suddenly began referencing? It'd be like if I began a Jerks of the Week entry by writing, "So, the other day, we went to the mall, and we saw so many jerks there." Who is "we," God damn it!?
Seriously, it feels as though this is an important part of the song. He and this other person were pushing each other to the limits at 7 years old. That seems pretty wild. Shouldn't we know who this other person was? The only other individual he referenced thus far was his mom, so does that mean he and his mom were pushing each other to the limits? How does that work, exactly? Shouldn't he have been taken into foster care if his reckless mom was pushing him to the limits at 7 years old?
By eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor
Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure
And this is where I begin to laugh at the stupidity of these lyrics. So, wait, this guy allegedly smoked weed and drank hard liquor at 11? What the f***? When I was 11, I was a fifth-grader whose biggest worry was whether or not this chick Allison Cunningham liked me or not, and whether or not my friends would laugh at me if I struck out while playing baseball at recess. I certainly wasn't worrying about when I could score my next drug purchase.
Lukas Graham's parents royally screwed him up. First, they misspelled his name. Then, his mom tells him to make friends, but fails to add that he shouldn't become buddies with drug lords. Sure, he's not lonely, but he's smoking weed and drowning himself in hard liquor at 11 f***ing years old. Where the hell are child services!?
Once I was eleven years old, my daddy told me
Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely.
Once I was eleven years old.
You know, I was wondering what this dude's dad was up to this entire time. Now, I can see that both of Lukas Graham's parents are f***ing crazy. One suggests to befriend drug lords. The other suggests recommends getting married at 11 years old. You know what my parents told me when I was 11? "Do your homework." "Clean your room." "Stop staring creepily at Allison!" This was all good advice. I think I'd have a pretty messed up adulthood if my parents instead suggested, "Befriend that man to get free weed." "Take a shot with me." "Go impregnate a girl even though you're not in high school yet, but make sure you marry her." You're not supposed to do these f***ing things at 11 f***ing years old!
I always had that dream like my daddy before me
So I started writing songs, I started writing stories
Something about the glory, just always seemed to bore me
Cause only those I really love will ever really know me
I'm having trouble paying attention to these lyrics because all I hear is the sound of someone defecating.
Once I was twenty years old, my story got told
Before the morning sun, when life was lonely.
Once I was twenty years old.
You know, I'm beginning to think that this Lukas Graham is a pretty pretentious fellow. What does he mean, "my story got told" at 20? You don't have a f***ing story at 20. You're still a kid trying to figure things out. I was still trying to decide my major at 20. Hell, I barely had any contact with women at 20. I don't think everyone would say that, but I was super awkward back then. Know why? Because I was a stupid kid and didn't know any better. Any story written about me when I was 20 would've been boring as hell. I wouldn't have even read it!
I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure.
Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major.
I got my boys with me at least those in favor
And if we don't meet before I leave, I hope I'll see you later.
Crack pot theory time! Is it possible - hang with me here - that none of what this guy is experiencing is real? Could it be that he smoked so much weed and drank so much liquor at 11 that he's still a child and is conjuring all of this up in his brain?
Once I was 20 years old, my story got told
I was writing about everything, I saw before me
Once I was 20 years old.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're soooo cooool because your story got told at 20. Oooooooohhhh!!!
Soon we'll be 30 years old, our songs have been sold
We've traveled around the world and we're still roaming.
Soon we'll be 30 years old.
Who is this "we" business? Before this, it was "I was 20 years old." Now, it's "we?" Did this guy develop a multi-personality disorder because he came into contact with so many drugs when he was a child?
I'm still learning about life
My woman brought children for me
So I can sing them all my songs
And I can tell them stories
most of my boys are with me
Some are still out seeking glory
And some I had to leave behind
My brother I'm still sorry
I don't like this, as, to quote the great Emmit, "he's counting his eggs before they hatch." Hear that, people? Don't ever count eggs before they hatch... because the number might change... after they hatch... yeah, I don't know.
Anyway, he's making an assumption that both he and his wife - whom he may have married at 11 - are capable of having offspring. That, unfortunately, is not the case for most people. I think he's doing himself a great disservice by jinxing himself. Nothing good can become of these lyrics. Nothing!
Soon I'll be 60 years old, my daddy got 61
Remember life and then your life becomes a better one
I made the man so happy when I wrote a letter once
Whoa, 60? How do you go from 30 to 60? Does nothing in the span of those 30 years matter? If so, that's pretty depressing, given that I'm now 34. That means my next 26 years will be completely irrelevant!
Also, this is another case of counting chickens - or eggs - before they hatch. Why does this guy assume he's going to make it to 60? By the time he's 50, or maybe even 40, his liver will have sustained too much damage, thanks to the hard liquor he consumed at 11.
This makes me realize why he's missing a verse for 40 and 50. Let me give it a try...
Soon we'll be 40 years old, one day I got very sick
So I stopped roaming and went to the hospital and they said I have liver failure.
Soon we'll be 40 years old.
Soon we'll be 50 years old, they're digging a grave for me
I have died two days ago, shouldn't have drank that liquor but at least my crappy story got told.
Soon we'll be 50 years old.
I'm telling you guys, I should be a music writer. And I promise - none of my songs will sound like someone is defecating like this one.