Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2015





Jerks of the Week: March 30, 2015


JERK OF THE WEEK: April Fools and April Truths III

I'm kicking myself right now. When I wrote my April Fools and April Truths II a year ago, I hatched a plan to contact Jonathan Frakes, the host of a show that used to air in the late 90s called Fact or Fiction, and ask him to write bad puns at the end of each of my stories. In return, I'd donate to the charity of his choice.

If you're not an old fart like me, Fact or Fiction was a cool show in which five short, spooky stories were presented to the viewers. The premise was getting the audience to figure out which stories were, as the title indicates, were fact or fiction. However, the best part of each episode was the corny pun that Frakes would deliver after each tale. Here's some of his best work:



Unfortunately, contacting Frakes totally slipped my mind. I remembered that I wanted to do another April Fools or April Truths a couple of weeks ago, and by then, it was too late.

I'll make sure to ask Frakes to do this ahead of time next year. In the meantime, here is the latest installment of April Fools and April Truths. These are six crazy stories that may or may not have happened to me. Guess which ones are April Fools or April Truths, and check out the answer key at the very bottom once you're done reading all six stories.

Oh, and please enjoy my puns. I've done my best to simulate Frakes, but he is the master, so he needs to be involved in this next year.


1. Stalker Chick:

I bought my girlfriend a dog for Christmas - a boxer named Sherlock. He has been terrorizing the house - he's ripped pillows apart, chewed on shoes and nearly swallowed my cell phone - but he's only four months old, so that's to be expected. He's a good puppy on occasion, but he has so much energy that he usually feels the need to chew on everything he can get his hands (paws? mouth?) on.

If you live in the northeastern part of this country, you know how unbelievably cold and miserable it's been this winter. Thus, I haven't walked him very far on most days. However, it was in the 50s one afternoon a couple of weeks ago, so I decided to take him around the neighborhood.

As I approached one of the corners, I spotted this blonde chick talking on her cell phone in her car. She spotted me, hung up the phone and got out of her vehicle. She waited for me to walk by to strike up a conversation with me:

"Hey, how have you been?"

How have I been? I've never even spoken to her in my entire life, so why would she start with that question? She looked like she had genuine interest in the answer to that question, though she may have been deceiving me because her eyes were a little crossed. It made her look kind of crazy; otherwise, she would've been somewhat attractive.

Me: I've been OK, you?

Girl: Great! How's your dog? He settling in OK?

Me: Yeah, I guess.

Girl: You've had him six weeks now, so it must be getting easier.

WHOA! How did she know that? She came with the exact duration, and she was super confident, almost as if she happened to be there with me when I picked up the dog. I tried walking away, but she kept following me.

Me: Uhh... yeah, six weeks.

Stalker Chick: He's gotten so big!

Me: I guess he has.

Stalker Chick: Does he bother you a lot at home?

Me: He can be annoying sometimes, but he already knows to go outside if he needs to go to the bathroom.

Stalker Chick: That's great! I know you write for your site at home, so it's great that you can stay home with him!

UHH... WHAT? Again, how the hell did she get this information? I'll repeat myself: I had never seen or spoken to this chick before. But she continued to follow me around the neighborhood, staring me and something else down at the same time with her crossed eyes.

Me: Yeah... it helps.

Stalker Chick: So, what do you do when you leave the house? Crate him?

Me: Yeah.

Stalker Chick: That's good. But you don't leave the house much anyway except to go to the gym a couple of times per week.

Me: Uhh... how do you know...

Stalker Chick: Gotta go, see ya!

Stalker Chick may have gotten the sense that I was getting both uncomfortable and very suspicious, so she retreated back to her car. By the time I got home, I realized that she and my girlfriend were friends. I asked my girlfriend about her when she got home.

"Blonde girl with crossed-eyes?" my girlfriend asked that evening. "No, I don't really talk to anyone in this neighborhood."

And now I'm concerned for my well-being.

So, is this tale of the crazy girl something that actually transpired? Or are you being stalked by a work of fiction?


2. Finger Licker:

As you may know, there are numerous strange people at my gym. There will never be anyone as weird as Homeless Clown Woman, a scary, crazy lady who walks around the pool because she believes the government won't watch her there.

One day, I spotted a fat Russian in the pool I had never seen before. Not that I haven't bumped into fat Russians there, but this one looked incredibly ridiculous. He was extremely compact, almost shaped like a bowling ball. He happened to be floating on a pink noodle, which made him look even more hilarious.

This bowling ball of a human being was just floating around, minding his own business, when he began hollering at the lifeguard. She walked over to see what was wrong.

Human Bowling Ball: Vater iz cold! Vater iz too cold!

Lifeguard: The pool is 86 degrees...

Human Bowling Ball: No, not zis vater! Zat vater!

Human Bowling Ball pointed to the hose, which was filling up the pool. Apparently, he was not pleased about the cold water it was pumping in.

Lifeguard: I have to fill up the pool.

Human Bowling Ball: You no have to fill pool! Pool good!

Lifeguard: If I don't fill up the pool, I'm going to have to close it. It's almost below the gutter level.

Human Bowling Ball: No! Iz good! I know iz good!

Lifeguard: You don't work here. Believe me, I have to fill up the pool, or I'll have to close it. Do you want me to close it?

Human Bowling Ball: No, I no vant close! Vhy no can put hot vater in hose? Vhy cold vater!?

Yeah, sure, let's ask the lifeguard to activate the magical hose that pours in hot water. What a great idea!

Lifeguard: There's no hot-water hose. This has to be on. I can turn on the other one, but then everyone would complain.

Human Bowling Ball: Vhat ozzer hose!?

Lifeguard: That one over there, but it's much stronger, and then everyone will be miserable.

The lifeguard pointed to the side of the pool. That's when the Human Bowling Ball made his move. He grabbed her finger and began licking it.

Lifeguard: Ahhh, what are you doing!?

Human Bowling Ball: You very pretty girl.

Lifeguard: Let go of my finger!

Human Bowling Ball: So pretty girl. Very pretty girl.

The lifeguard had to wrestle her finger away from the Human Bowling Ball's grubby grasp. She walked away, looking completely disgusted. Fortunately, she did not see me, as I couldn't help but laugh at what I just saw.

Did this actually happen? Did the Human Bowling Ball really lick the lifeguard's finger? Or am I pointing you toward another lie?





3. Locker Room Fight:

Not all of the craziness at my gym happens at the pool. There are strange people in the locker room as well. I've mentioned this one old guy who once criticized my profession and then tried pimping out his granddaughters to me a few minutes later.

He spotted me again one afternoon. By the look in his eye, I could tell that he was ready to ask me if I wanted to pay him for a night with one of his granddaughters. He began approaching me, when someone got his attention.

This other man is someone I like to call Vlad - because 1) He looks like the Russian guy on the Vlad vodka bottles, and 2) I once saw him at the liquor store buying a bottle of Vlad. The only difference in appearance is this guy is a bit older. He's in his late 50s and has a gray mustache instead of a black one. He always seems drunk, too. He's usually stumbling around and slurring at people. He began to do this at Grandfather Pimp.

Vlad: I have no room! You make room!

Grandfather Pimp: What?

Vlad: No room! No room for my cloze! No can sit on bench!

Grandfather Pimp: Then go to another bench!

Vlad: I no vant ozzer bench! Zis my bench!

Grandfather Pimp: This is no one's bench! I was here first, so I'm not moving!

Vlad: You move, or I srow your cloze in pool!

Grandfather Pimp: If you do that, I'll tell my son!

Vlad: Who your son!? I no know your son!

Grandfather Pimp: My son is the vice president of American Express!

Vlad: Your son iz piece of s**t!

Grandfather Pimp: How dare you!? My son went to India and wears thousand-dollar suits!

Vlad: Your son know nasing! He probably sell drug!

Grandfather Pimp: That's it! No one insults my son!

Grandfather Pimp charged toward Vlad, who was taken aback by the aggression. He stumbled backward and tripped over his precious bench. He fell over and hit his head on a locker. Grandfather Pimp sniggered, while Vlad remained on the ground for several minutes, unable to get up. He remained there as I left.

What do you think? Did this confrontation actually happen? Or did you just fight through another work of fiction?


4. Loaded Baked Potato Man:

Our next story takes us to Saladworks. I was ready to order loaded baked potato soup to go along with my salad when this thuggish-looking guy in his late 20s stormed toward the counter and began complaining.

Loaded Baked Potato Man: You need to change yo sign!

Saladworks Employee: Excuse me?

Loaded Baked Potato Man: Yo loaded baked potato soup ain't loaded!

Saladworks Employee: I don't understand.

Loaded Baked Potato Man: I got yo loaded baked potato soup, and I ain't seen no bacon or cheddah in it!

Saladworks Employee: Well, it has bacon and cheddar flavor.

Loaded Baked Potato Man: But that ain't loaded! It gotta have bacon and cheddah in there to be loaded, yo!

Saladworks Employee: I'm sorry. I could get you a different soup free of charge.

Loaded Baked Potato Man: No, I like dis soup.

Saladworks Employee: Oh, so I'm not sure what you want me to do.

Loaded Baked Potato Man: I want you to change yo sign! It ain't suppose to say loaded if ain't loaded, ya feelin' me?

I had enough. I couldn't take it anymore. I go to this Saladworks so often, so if anyone's going to criticize it, it's going to be me. Besides, this guy was being an unreasonable raging lunatic who needed to be put in his place.

Me: Dude, chill out.

Loaded Baked Potato Man: Whachu sayin'?

Me: It's good soup. You said it yourself. Stop complaining.

Loaded Baked Potato Man: I'm juss tryin' to get the sign corrected, yo.

Me: I know, but it's not a big deal.

Loaded Baked Potato Man: Aight, aight, I was sick and juss tryin' to make myself feel better with some bacon and cheddah in the soup.

I don't get this logic. He was sick, so he thought he needed bacon and cheddar from a Saladworks soup? How does that make any sense?

Loaded Baked Potato Man, looking defeated, went back to his table. The Saladworks manager, meanwhile, thanked me. I thought I would get a free cookie as a reward, but no such luck. I feel like I should've complained about that.

So, how about it? Was this tale about the soup complaint a truthful one? Or was this story loaded with lies?


5. Lasagna Pan Interrogation:

Back in October, I mentioned that I was on a quest for a lasagna pan. My goal was to spend $1,219.95 at Acme so that I could obtain a lasagna pan as a reward. Well, between me and my girlfriend, we managed to get there!

Or so I thought. I went to Acme to pick up my lasagna pan. I approached the customer service desk they have behind the checkout lines and presented my card. The woman, a fat lady with glasses and unkempt hair, took my items and began mashing things into a computer.

Acme Lady: What prize do you want?

Me: The lasagna pan! I can't wait to eat lasagna!

Acme Lady: OK... hmm... I'm looking over the purchases you made when you swiped your Acme card.

Me: Yeah?

Acme Lady: It says you bought 142 boxes of Cocoa Puffs over the past year.

Me: Ha! That's awesome!

Acme Lady: Not really. You've been deemed ineligible for this contest.

Me: What!?

Acme Lady: Look at the fine print at the bottom of your promotion card.

I looked at it, and there it was - single-item purchases of more than 50 quantities would not count. Thus, 72 of my Cocoa Puff boxes didn't count toward my purchases.

I felt like I wanted to cry. My precious lasagna...

The lady noticed that I was upset, so she tried to cheer me up.

Acme Lady: You can get a small pan.

Me: I don't want a small pan! I want lasagna!

Acme Lady: Well, if you want, you can buy it for $59.99.

Me: No! I spent more than $1,200 to get my free lasagna pan, so I want a lasagna pan!

Acme Lady told me there was nothing she could do, but she summoned the manager. The manager, some middle-aged man with a porno mustache, tried to console me by telling me that there might be a sale on these lasagna pans at some point next month, but it didn't help.

Alas, my love of Cocoa Puffs betrayed me. But instead of getting diabetes, I lost my precious lasagna pan.

What do you think? Did I lose my chance at the lasagna pan? Or was this a recipe for another fictional tale?


6. Crazy Horse Girl:

My Valentine's Day adventures sparked some controversy. A couple of people commented about what I had to say about homeless people after Crazy Horse Girl asked me how I felt about them.

I was shocked to discover that there were people as mentally insane as Crazy Horse Girl. I always thought that Crazy Horse Girl was one of a kind. This makes me extremely pessimistic about the future of humanity, as the regression of natural selection means that these idiots will pass on their DNA. Before we know it, this world will be crawling with people who think that homeless people are lovely, and that horses pulling carriages must be saved from doing so, meaning they'll get put down in the process.

Apparently, Crazy Horse Girl didn't take too kindly to my Jerks of the Week entry. She IMed me on G-chat a recent Thursday afternoon...

Crazy Horse Girl: Walter.

Me: [Name redacted].

Crazy Horse Girl: How dare you?

Me: How dare I what?

Crazy Horse Girl: I'm going to ask my mom to contact the family lawyer.

Me: For what?

Crazy Horse Girl: You used my name in Idiots of the Week.

Me: It's Jerks of the Week.

Crazy Horse Girl: I don't care. You'll be hearing from my family lawyer soon for using my name.

Me: I didn't use your name. I used "Crazy Horse Girl." Unless you legally changed your name to Crazy Horse Girl, and can be identified by that pseudonym, I have nothing to fear.

Crazy Horse Girl: Your a jackass.

Me: You're*. And I don't see why.

Crazy Horse Girl: You hate homeless people and horses. You are a horrible person.

Me: Ugh. I never said I hated homeless people. I just said that I don't care about them, and I said that they would benefit from better living conditions by committing crimes, which is true, so I try to avoid them because some of them might be crazy. This is all factual. And you know what else is factual? That horses you "save" from pulling carriages will be put down because they won't have anything else to do, and unless you're going to do it, no one's going to pay to have them just galloping in meadows.

Crazy Horse Girl: Your an a**hole.

Me: You're*.

And just like that, my conversation with Crazy Horse Girl came to an abrupt end. She signed off, which I took as a sign that she blocked me. I have no idea why, since I would never contact her in the first place. I shrugged my shoulders, went about my day and made a mental note to keep ignoring homeless people and horse petitions.

How about this final story? Did this conversation actually take place? Or have I just been horsing around?







Answer Key

Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? Here's your last chance before looking at the answer key...

  • Stalker Chick - April Truth! I'm seriously terrified. I have no idea how that crossed-eyed girl got all of that information. Perhaps I shouldn't have written about her...

  • Finger Licker - April Truth! Poor lifeguard... unless she secretly liked a fat Russian resembling a bowling ball licking her fingers. I don't know, some people might be into that.

  • Locker Room Fight - April Truth! I'm assuming Vlad woke up hours later, figured he just passed out from drinking too much, and resumed chugging vodka from a bottle featuring a man looking exactly like him.

  • Loaded Baked Potato Man - April Truth! Yet another April Truth... this guy was just pathetic. Saladworks' loaded baked potato soup is delicious, loaded or not.

  • Lasagna Pan Interrogation - April Fools! I actually managed to get that lasagna pan, meaning I spent more than $1,200 at Acme. My girlfriend made lasagna for me, and it was delicious. Oh, and by the way, I feel like the 142 boxes of Cocoa Puffs is an accurate figure.

  • Crazy Horse Girl - April Fools! I haven't spoken to Crazy Horse Girl since I posted that Jerks entry, so I have no idea if she read it or not. Unfortunately, there are other crazy people out there. That much is factual.


    Scoring System

    How many did you figure out correctly? And what does your score say about you?

  • 0-1 Correct - You don't know me at all. Or, you're one of the crazies who wants to make sweet love to homeless people. Please wear a condom though, so you don't pass on your DNA? Thanks!

  • 2-3 Correct - You don't know me that well, and you are probably a normal human being. It's OK if you don't use a condom.

  • 4-5 Correct - You know me very well. But if you hang out with Stalker Chick, you'll be up to "6 correct" level in no time.

  • 6 Correct - You know me way too well. And hello there, Stalker Chick. Please don't stab me in my sleep.

    LOADING COMMENTS...



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    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2014: Jerks of Christmas Shopping, 2014
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    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Sept. 21


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 21


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - June 1


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5









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