I recently wrote a Jerks of the Week entry where I discussed why I went to Best Buy seven days in a row. It was quite the saga, filled with lumberjacks, broken computers and lesbian porno stars. If you haven't read it, click the link to read about my frustrating week. If you have read it, completely ignore this entire paragraph, even though you've just finished reading it.
Save for a couple of snags, my laptop has been working quite well, so I never imagined that I'd be going back to that particular Best Buy at any point in the near future. That changed when I received a fateful call from my mom, who brought up my dad's birthday.
Mom: Want to split a new computer with me?
Me: Oh, dad wants a new computer?
Mom: Yeah, with a big monitor.
Me: What's he planning to do on this computer?
Mom: I don't know. He just wants a big monitor.
My mom told me she'd look at BJ's Wholesale Club for any computers because she was going there that night. I could already tell what the end result would be, and sure enough, she didn't see anything worth purchasing at that particular store.
Mom: Can you go get a computer yourself, and then I'll pay you back half?
Me: OK. When the Best Buy employee asks me what I'm looking for, what should I tell him that dad wants to do with this new computer, so he can pick out an appropriate one?
Mom: I told you already. He wants a big monitor.
Sounds simple enough, but would just getting a big monitor for my dad suffice? I pondered this as I made the trip to Best Buy, fully aware that I surely was going to have a difficult time there.
My thoughts were interrupted by a couple of things that annoyed me on the drive over. First of all, there was a dude driving in an SUV that was riding my a** the entire time I was on the highway. I was in the left lane, and there were people in front of me who wouldn't pass cars in the right lane, so I was stuck behind them. The douche driving behind me apparently didn't understand this, and was willing to risk an accident by driving inches behind me.
I hate people who do that. In fact, I considered slamming my breaks just so he'd crash into me. Sure, there'd be a chance that I'd either have to go to the hospital, or I'd die, but it might be worth it to teach that f***er a lesson.
I decided against this because I like my car. My parents and fiancee keep trying to convince me to get a new one because I've had this one for exactly 10 years, but I think that's nonsense. Outside of the radio not working sometimes, I've never had an issue with it. Besides, real men shouldn't abandon their cars just like that. Think about it this way: Link always rides Epona. Even if she gets old, Link will never abandon Epona. Sure, fictional horses and cars are a bit different, but they both serve the same function. Since Link never leaves Epona, I'll never sell my 2004 Honda Accord.
Speaking of the radio, it constantly kicks in and out. It'll work some days, but there will be nothing but static on some car rides, which is annoying. I'll curse the high heavens until I realize that I have a phone, meaning I can listen to something on YouTube. Of course, this requires going to YouTube while driving, which can be quite the challenge. I'm pretty lucky that I haven't been in an accident yet.
Anyway, my radio happened to be working, which wasn't necessarily a good thing because the music was terrible on every station. I think South Park hit the nail on the head when they did that one episode where everything started sounding like s**t to Stan because he was older. I can confirm that this is true. I used to love almost everything on the radio as a teenager. Rather than hanging out with friends - I didn't have many of those growing up - I listened eagerly to the nightly "Hot 8 at 8" to see which songs made the list so that I could talk about them with kids at school and hopefully have someone to hang out with. That plan didn't work very well, but I still had fun.
Now, not so much. Everything sounds like someone is defecating out of their mouth. It sucks. On one station, there was a guy whining about stuff in one of the songs, and it sounded like he was having diarrhea as he was singing. On the next station, there was some sort of rap song where the "artist" kept saying stuff like, "Fast money round hmyall, fast money round hmyall, fast money round hmyall."
Maybe it's just me, but rappers seem to be obsessed with money and whores. I'd like for them to handle more serious topics, like Zelda games, climate change (either side of the argument is fine) and what sort of computers to get your dad for his birthday. Call me crazy, but those would make for some interesting rap songs.
My trip to Best Buy seemed to take forever, but I had finally arrived. I walked in, expected to catch weird looks from the people who saw me come in for seven consecutive days, but I didn't recognize anyone. It was weird - almost as if I had been away for years. I don't understand how all the employees could change. Porno Star wasn't even there!
I was greeted by a squirrely looking bald man wearing glasses that didn't conceal his shifty eyes well enough. He asked me what computer I was looking for, and I told him that it had to be something with a big monitor. He looked at me strangely until I told him that it was a gift for my dad, and that I wasn't quite clear on what he would use this computer for.
This employee was helpful, and before I knew it, we picked out a computer that made sense. The monitor was 23 inches, which seemed large enough. As he was ringing me up, he made chit-chat, asking me if I had any plans this upcoming weekend. Writing this now, it makes it sound like he was hitting me - not that there's anything wrong with that - but he definitely wasn't, as you'll see based on what was said afterward.
I told him I had a wedding to go to. He asked if it was mine, and I said that I was getting married in a year...
Best Buy Employee: I was supposed to get married once.
Me: Really? What happened?
Best Buy Employee: I lost my job, and she left me a week before the wedding!
Wow. Who does that? Well, scratch that, I do know people who have done something similar. I tried telling him this...
Me: Actually, something similar happ...
Best Buy Employee: I can't believe she did it, man. We were together for six years!
Me: That's horrible. I know someone who had the sam...
Best Buy Employee: I loved her and did everything for her, but as soon as I was fired, she left me!
I began to think that she left him because he had diarrhea of the mouth. These people irritate the hell out of me. They don't listen to a single thing anyone has to say because they're more interested in talking themselves, and the moment you try to talk back to them, they interrupt you. People with diarrhea of the mouth are the worst. This girl and I once had mutual interest long ago, but as soon as I discovered she had diarrhea of the mouth, I lost all desire to bang her. Well, that's not true. She was hot. I just wanted to place a gag inside her mouth so she wouldn't say anything ever again.
Anyway, because this guy had diarrhea of the mouth, I'll let him talk. These italicized words are what he said:
I was a broker for PNC. I was making eight grand per month at the very least. I was driving a Mercedes Benz. Then, one day, I got fired out of the blue. I didn't even do anything. I got written up because I was on the phone with a girl too long, and she claimed that I was sexually harassing her, but I didn't! So, I got fired, and I was going to collect a lot of money on unemployment after a while, but my fiancee demanded that I get a job, so I actually took less money to come work here. I was now making two grand per month. No brokerage firm was going to hire me anymore, so I had to sell my Benz and get a Nissan, and I had to move out of my house and into my apartment.
I thought things were going to be OK in the long term, but my fiancee left me a week before the wedding. She said she wanted to be with a real man with a great job, a fancy car and a house. She couldn't take being with a Best Buy employee anymore. So, she left, and she took all my action figures and video games with her and sold them. She left me with nothing. I'm telling you, if you ever meet a girl named Samantha Conrad, turn around and run the other way!
I'm leaving Samantha Conrad's name here because there are a billion Samantha Conrads out there, but wow. She really f***ed his life up pretty good, especially when she took those precious action figures and video games!
The Best Buy employee finally stopped talking, so this gave me a window to ask him some questions. I'm a journalist by nature, even though some articles on this Web site would say otherwise, but I still had to appease my inquisitive nature.
My first question was how long ago this happened. The way he was talking, it made it seem like this was six months or a year ago. It sounded like he still had feelings for this Samantha Conrad, or he was at least still distraught about being so blindsided by her decision to leave him and sell his precious action figures.
His answer: "This happened nine years ago."
Holy s**t! Nine years ago, and you're still working at Best Buy? Look, there's nothing horrible about working for Best Buy - a freaking lesbian porno star works there, and it doesn't get classier than lesbian porno stars - but this guy was a stock broker making tons of money, so I found it odd that he couldn't find another high-paying job in the past decade. It's like he gave up on life, which was sad.
My next question: "So, what happened to this Samantha Conrad?"
His answer: "She married a hedge fund manager who made a lot of money and drove a Mercedes Benz, too, and he had a big house. But he lost his job, too, and she left him. She took half of his stuff in the divorce!"
I'm sensing a pattern here, and it's no surprise that our s***ty legal system f***ed over yet another guy. I don't get why skanks like Samantha Conrad are entitled to half of what she never made. She had nothing to do with that guy's previous wealth, so why should she be paid a single dime? It's crazy that stuff like this happens, and any male lawyer who facilitates in this activity should be hanged by the balls.
My final question: "Have you seen Samantha Conrad at all recently?"
His answer: "No, but I might pay her a visit soon. I was thinking about calling her husband up and asking him if he wanted to help me teach her a lesson, heh, heh, heh..."
Samantha Conrad, you may have had your fun, but it sounds like your days are numbered. Be warned, gold-digging skanks: If you screw over squirrely looking dudes whose shifty eyes make them look like potential serial killers, you might find yourself dead one day.
Anyway, I picked up my computer and ventured toward the exit. I passed by the customer service desk and caught a glimpse of Porno Star, who must have been on lunch break when I entered the store. That, or she was shooting another video. Hopefully the latter.
And that's when it hit me: She's exactly why this guy was working at Best Buy for nine years! He obviously wants to bang her. Unfortunately, he doesn't know that she's into chicks.
Hopefully that doesn't get her killed, too. Her videos are great.