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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 31, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Lexus December to Remember Commercials

Thank God the holidays are over. Getting gifts and buying presents for myself is fun, and seeing all of the Christmas decorations is cool, but there's unfortunately a dark side that comes with this time of year - one that tears away at our souls until we become nothing more than lifeless vessels that drift around joylessly. The dark side, of course, is the Kay Jewelers and Lexus December to Remember commercials.

We've endured so many of these ads this year. I covered the Christmas Jewelry commercials last week. There was one more I wanted to mention, but I unfortunately couldn't find it on YouTube; it was the one where an old guy is yelling about kissing being up and mistletoe sales being down. If you haven't seen it, he then walks the street and spies on a couple making out after the man gives the woman some Kay jewelry.

My girlfriend, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football, first pointed out this commercial to me, calling the old man a creeper for watching two lovers kiss through a window. It actually reminded me of Aaron3619, a pervert who asked for girls' naked pictures on the old nfl.com message boards. Awesome Girl Who Loves Football and I would often joke that Aaron3619 would hide in the bushes and snap pictures of unsuspecting girls.

If you haven't seen any of Aaron3619's posts, check these out:





Why did he want these pictures?



Discussing the Kay Jewelers' pervert-mistletoe commercial actually reminds me of the frustrating time I recently had buying my girlfriend a necklace at a jewelry store.

The only customers in the store on this particular Saturday evening were me and this Mexican family. The two parents were short and they had three little kids. I have no idea what they were buying, but they were taking FOREVER. Seriously, I was just standing there for 15 minutes, yet nothing was happening. The woman behind the counter, a frail woman who wasn't even five feet tall, seemed to have issues processing their purchase for some reason. She looked befuddled by the situation, almost as if she had never seen - let alone sold - jewelry before. Suddenly, Frail Jewelry Woman yelled to another worker across the store.

Frail Jewelry Woman: Amy! Amy! Amy!

Amy: What?

Frail Jewelry Woman: Amy! Amy! Amy!

Amy, an extremely large person resembling a eunuch, looked rather annoyed. She plodded across the store and went behind the counter. She and Frail Jewelry Woman talked quietly to each other. The conversation was inaudible to me, but all Amy did was nod her head with a menacing expression on her face.

Amy eventually walked away, and Frail Jewelry Woman went back to helping the Mexican family. And by helping, I mean not doing anything for another 10 minutes. Frail Jewelry Woman then shouted at Amy again, who was in a different section of the store this time. Amy, however, didn't respond. I'm not sure if she didn't hear her or wasn't in the modd to acknowledge her, but I told Frail Jewelry Woman that I'd retrieve her.

I was about to get Amy's attention when I heard Frail Jewelry Woman shout, "It's OK! It's OK!" I walked back to the counter and was amazed to see another fat eunuch named Rita assisting Frail Jewelry Woman.

I was beginning to think I was never getting out of the store, but Frail Jewelry Woman eventually processed the Mexican Family's purchase. She then addressed me.

Frail Jewelry Woman: Sorry that took so long.

Me: Oh, it's OK.

Frail Jewelry Woman: They gave me $140 when their bill came to $131!

Me: What?

Frail Jewelry Woman: It was crazy!

Wow, so she couldn't figure out how much change to give them? Was that the issue? That's just unbelievable. And what did the two fat eunuchs tell her? Did they explain to her that the Mexican family needed $9 in change?

If buying jewelry is so difficult, I can't imagine the hassle of purchasing a car. And that's one of the reasons I won't be buying a Lexus this Christmas. I have several others, including my failure to understand the fascination people have with expensive cars. A car is a car. If it doesn't break down, has heating and air conditioning, and gets you to wherever you want to go, that's fine with me. I don't understand the difference between a normal car and a fancy-shmancy one like a Lexus. It might be a status thing, but I feel like the people who buy these fancy-shmancy cars are overcompensating for something.

Of course, the primary reason I will never buy a Lexus is the awful December to Remember commercials they have each holiday season. Lexus is running three particular ads this year, so let's talk about how crappy they are!


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I love how it suddenly dawns on this guy that he could go to a concert instead of watching the same songstress on YouTube. What was he doing that evening anyway, and why were three of his friends suddenly available like that? Were they just planning on staying in and watching YouTube videos all night?

What I really don't understand is what this has to do with Lexus. This guy didn't need to drive a Lexus to pick up his three friends and attend a crappy concert conducted by a heterosexually challenged woman. Couldn't he have driven any car to do this? And did he even need a car? He apparently lives in some city, so he could have taken public transportation as a worst-case scenario. Sure, he and his friends would be surrounded by smelly bums and have their wallets stolen, but at least he wouldn't have to shell out tens of thousands of dollars for a Lexus.

I alsoo don't get why he drives a Lexus if he lives in some run-down apartment with a crappy light bulb. He could save a lot of money if he moved into something he owned like a house or a condo and purchased a cheaper car that he probably doesn't even need because he's a fancy-shmancy person living in a big city.

But hey, at least he's saving 10 cents by turning his light off as he's leaving his apartment. That'll come in handy when his bank account dries up.







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Yet again, a Lexus commercial that has nothing really to do with a Lexus. Why is Lexus insisting that this woman can't have a meal at a restaurant with her family without one of their cars? Are people suddenly incapable of driving to restaurants in ordinary cars? If so, as a fat man, I am in deep trouble.

Let me just say that I am thrilled that I am not married to this woman. If there's anything I hate more than crappy Lexus December to Remember commercials, it's fancy-shmancy restaurants. They are the worst.

Pause this video at the 21-second mark and just take a look. What the hell is that? I recognize the small piece of chicken and tiny portion of mashed potatoes, but what is everything else? Let's begin at the chicken, going clockwise:

  • 8:00 - The red stuff on the plate must be ketchup, right? Or perhaps cocktail sauce? I don't know anything else that's red and liquidy except blood, tomato juice, cranberry juice and wine. Unless this restaurant is run by cannibals, it's certainly not blood. Tomato juice and cranberry juice don't make sense either. Wine? Maybe. Perhaps the waitress was clumsy and spilled some wine onto the plate. But I don't think that's what we're supposed to infer. This is supposedly a nice, fancy-shmancy restaurant, so I'd argue that it's ketchup or cocktail sauce. Just one question: Shouldn't the ketchup or cocktail sauce have been on the side?

  • 10:00 - A pickle? Maybe? It doesn't look like a pickle, but every respectable restaurant in the world gives a pickle with any entree. There's nothing else on this plate that resembles a pickle, so this must be a pickle.

  • 12:00 - This appears to be some sort of onion or mushroom contraption. I don't get how people can eat mushrooms. The only mushrooms I like are the red-and-yellow ones that make you bigger, but I haven't seen those anywhere. That's probably because the mushroom farmers hoard them all.

  • 2:00 - Unless I'm mistaken, this is a biscuit. Every respectable restaurant in the world gives a biscuit with any entree. I'm not even a restaurant owner, and I know this.

  • 3:00 - Woot! A carrot! Pickles and biscuits are mandatory complements to any entree, but I've never heard of a carrot being served with one. Some carrots are nice - the cold, hard ones - but the soft, gooey carrots are disgusting, and this appears to be one of the soft, gooey ones.

  • 4:00 - I can't even explain what this is. I've been staring at it for five minutes, but I remain perplexed. It's almost as if the cook was chewing gum, spit it out and put it there, and then forgot about it.

    I have certain rules about food. One is if you don't know what the hell it is, don't eat it. That's just common sense. Another is don't go to a fancy-shmancy restaurant that gives you the smallest portions of all time. Seriously, look at the lack of food the woman has on her plate. Sure, it appears fancy and shmancy, but she's still going to be hungry by the time she's done eating - and the kicker is that she's going to pay ten times as much for that as she would have for something more filling.

    I feel sorry for the kid, most of all. He was probably playing video games when his stupid mom told him to get ready to go to a crappy restaurant with overrated food that won't fill him up. Couldn't she take him and her poor husband to like Red Robin or something? They'd all walk out of that restaurant completely full, and all three of them would've enjoyed their meal - and best of all, they could use their unnecessary Lexus to get them home.





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    The double standard isn't fair. Imagine if this were a Lexus commercial where some guy was staring at a chick's Facebook profile, then decided to make a long drive to her house just to meet her. I don't think Lexus would sell any cars if it aired something like that.

    This is still strange though. Who is this guy to her, and how did she obtain his address? She must be one serious stalker.

    Again, I'm not sure why she needed a Lexus to drive to a party, but I can only imagine the conversation those two had...

    Guy: Hey, I'm Rodrigo.

    Stalker Girl: Hi, I'm Stephanie.

    Guy: So, who do you know here?

    Stalker Girl: I don't know anyone - except for you.

    Guy: Me? But we just met...

    Stalker Girl: Yes... well, I feel like I've known you forever.

    Guy: Well, let me get to know you then.

    Stalker Girl: OK, well, I like hiking, biking and scuba diving. Oh, and I'm a huge William Faulkner fan.

    Guy: Whoa, me too! I love all of those things! It's almost as if you memorized my Facebook profile or something!

    Stalker Girl: Heh, heh...

    Guy: Oh man, it's too bad I'm seeing someone, or I'd ask you out on a date.

    Stalker Girl: WHAT!? SEEING SOMEONE!? BUT YOUR FACEBOOK PROFILE SAYS YOU'RE SINGLE!!!

    Guy: Well, it's new, but we've been talking for a while now. Wait... how did you see my Facebook profile?

    Stalker Girl: THAT'S NOT FAIR! I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! DROP THIS BIMBO AND GO OUT WITH ME! I'LL PLEASURE YOU ANY WAY YOU WANT!

    Guy: Well, that sounds intriguing, but I really like this girl I'm seeing now.

    Stalker Girl: WHAT'S HER NAME!? WHERE DOES SHE LIVE!? WE'LL SEE HOW LONG SHE'LL BE AROUND!!!

    And now we know why she needed a Lexus this whole time. Lexus apparently has a secret compartment for stalkers to store their weapons - just in case they need to make someone disappear.




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    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Nov. 23


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 19


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


    2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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