JERK OF THE WEEK: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
MONET DAVIS MONET DAVIS MONET DAVIS MONET DAVIS OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG MONET DAVIS OMG OMG OM MOG GGGJG MONET OMG MONET DAVIS DAVIS DAVIS OMGO MG DMOADD EFF MOMG DAVIS OMG MOMENT MONET DAVIS MONE DAVIS MONRG FEIWF H OIHWHWHJ HR EO HRWO.
Sorry. My apologies. For a second there, I thought I was one of those idiots who was obsessed with Monet Davis and the Little League World Series. Thank God I'm not; otherwise, I would've contemplated jumping off my roof.
I hate Monet Davis. Or rather, I hate the idea of Monet Davis. I have nothing against her personally, but every single a**hole on TV couldn't stop ranting about her. I didn't get the hoopla whatsoever. Who cares if she pitched well? Why does a 13-year-old pitcher matter to anyone? Child athletes have come and gone, and most of the time they never develop into anything. Remember that 3-year-old douche who dunked a basketball on a small hoop? Where is he? And what about Michelle Wie? She never amounted to anything despite everyone constantly slobbering all over her. What's she doing now besides asking for change on street corners?
I don't get why people were watching the Little League World Series in the first place. Why was it even televised? I feel like it's dangerous to air that type of stuff on TV. Think about it - if you were to ask Jerry Sandusky to name his top 10 favorite television programs, don't you think the Little League World Series would be on that list? He and other sick perverts would undoubtedly love watching little boys do athletic things. So, if you ever tune into the Little League World Series again, just remember that you're watching something that Sandusky and his cronies are jacking off to.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that one of the major reasons why I hate Monet Davis is her name. It's actually "Mo'ne" Davis. If it was really "Monet" Davis, I wouldn't have a big problem with her, but "Mo'ne" is so stupid that I refuse to acknowledge it. It's so dumb. If her parents actually wanted to call her Monet because they enjoyed the real Monet's paintings, that would be awesome. If they went with Monet because they banged in front of a Monet painting the night she was conceived, that's probably even better.
But calling any child "Mo'ne" or any name of that nature is just idiotic. What insane asylum did her parents escape when they came up with that? What's the point of adding an apostrophe in the middle of her name? Were they trying to be creative? If so, epic fail.
Perhaps I should try to be creative with my name. I think I can do a better job. My real name is Walter, so if my parents bolted from a mental ward, my name might be Wal'ter. But that's dumb, so let's come up with something different. How about:
How awesome is that? Not only do I have two apostrophes; my "a" is an @ symbol, and I added a $ sign in there for flavor. I just kicked Monet Davis' parents' a**.
Because I just proved to all of you that I'm infinitely more creative than Monet Davis' parents, that gives me permission to call her whatever I want for all eternity. So, she's Monet Davis to me now when she's annoying the hell out of me, and she'll be Monet Davis to me in the future when she's asking for change on street corners.
I've been driving my girlfriend to the train station in the morning. It's only a 2-minute commute, but that's all the time I've needed to recall something from my childhood. I went to a high school that was about 25 minutes away from my house. My friends Josh and Frank lived in my neighborhood, so our parents would take turns carpooling us.
As if these trips weren't long enough, we had to endure morning radio for the entire trek. I remember praying for music. Just give me three songs on this car ride, I thought. My wishes were dashed every single day, unfortunately. The people on the radio would talk for 10 minutes, and then three minutes were spent on a commercial. They'd play one song (usually four minutes), and then the a**holes would be chatting again for 10 minutes, followed by another 3-minute commercial segment. According to my nifty Windows calculator, that's 30 minutes. So, even if we were caught in traffic, I'd get to listen to one freaking song. Going into school was depressing enough to begin with; not hearing music in the morning just made it so much worse.
Now, this wouldn't be so bad if the radio "personalities" had something interesting to discuss. Instead, they'd talk about dumb crap like celebrity gossip (ugh) and completely random, irrelevant things like traffic, food, pets, etc. If any of these people were remotely interesting, maybe I wouldn't have minded it so much, but listening to them was nauseating. And the worst thing was that there was no escape. Every single radio station had a**holes who had diarrhea of the mouth.
I never understood why morning radio was like this. Why is it so dramatically different compared to afternoon and evening radio? Why can't they just play music? Why do they feel like they need to talk at an endless rate? There is something called talk radio, so wouldn't people who enjoy discussions just tune into that? Why do radio stations dick over people who just want to listen to music?
Anyway, I was reminded of how much it sucks to hear the radio every morning while on my way to school. I'm thankful the train station is so close to my house; otherwise, I think I'd go insane listening to those bozos every time I dropped my girlfriend off. Oh, and they're just as bad as they've ever been. One morning, Q102, a popular station in Philly, was discussing which celebrities have the best features. For instance, the obnoxious host of the show was saying, "IF I HAD TO CREATE THE PERFECT CELEBRITY I'D TAKE BRAD PITT'S CHEEK BONES, ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS, JENNIFER LOPEZ'S BUTT (etc.) WHAT DO ALL OF YOU CALLERS THINK!?!?!?!"
I'm not lying when I say that hearing this douche nearly prompted me to drive into oncoming traffic. It was so aggravating. Why does any of this matter to this idiot and his moronic listeners? Who cares about celebrity features? Why is discussing them any better than playing music?
I've heard enough of these a**holes on the radio in recent months that it dawned on me - if I can't beat em, join em. Yes, this means I'm going to make my own annoying morning talk show. I'm going to rant about dumb, irrelevant things, and I'll play one crappy song every half hour. It'll be glorious. In fact, here's a preview:
Me: IT'S THE W@L'$ER' IN THE MORNING RADIOOO SHOOOWWW!!! TODAY WE'RE GOING TO BE DISCUSSING LOTS OF IMPORTANT THINGS AND NOT PLAYING ANY MUSIC!!!
*** Annoying sound effect ***
Me: OK WE'LL PLAY A LITTLE BIT OF MUSIC FOR YOU MISERABLE PEOPLE GOING TO WORK OR SCHOOL BUT FIRST I WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND ALL MORNING!!! HERE'S A QUESTION FOR ALL OF YOU: HOW MANY SLICES OF PEPPERONI DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD GET ON A PIZZA WHEN YOU ORDER A SLICE OF PEPPERONI PIZZA!?!?!?
Token Black Woman: Are you getting sausage on your pizza too?
Me: NO MONET, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GENUINE, PEPPERONI PIZZA. NO OTHER TOPPINGS. JUST PEPPERONI. HOW MANY SLICES DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD GET!?!?!
Co-host with No Personality: I'm thinking four or five.
Me: SEE I NEED AT LEAST SIX PEPPERONIS ON MY PIZZA!!! THE MORE THE BETTER!!! I WANT MY ENTIRE SLICE COVERING IN PEPPERONI!!! I DIDN'T ORDER PEPPERONI AND NOT PEPPERONI PIZZA!!! I ORDERED PEPPERONI PIZZA!!! SO WHERE'S MY PEPPERONI PIZZA!?!? WHAT DO ALL OF YOU CALLERS THINK, LET'S GO TO CALLER NO. 1, HELLO DORAS WHAT DO YOU THINK!!?!
Doras: Ohh shoonny I have a diarrhheaassh if I eatssh pepperonisshh.
Me: SEE THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEED MORE PEPPERONI ON OUR PIZZAS!!! THANKS DORAS! LET'S GO TO CALLER NO. 2, BILLY BOB! BILLY BOB DO YOU AGREE WITH ME THAT WE NEED MORE PEPPERONIS ON OUR PIZZAS!?!?!
Billy Bob: We need ta blame Presdent Oh-bama for not havin' nuff pepperonis on our dang gone pizzas!
Me: IT'S NOT PRESIDENT OBAMA WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, BILLY BOB!!! IT'S CORPORATE AMERICA!!! THEY THINK IF THEY CAN PUT ONE FEWER SLICE OF PEPPERONI ON EVERY SLICE THEY CAN SAVE LOTS OF MONEY!!! I DEMAND THAT THERE BE SIX SLICES OF PEPPERONI ON EVERY SLICE EVER MADE!!!
Token Black Woman: I don't think that's possible, W@l'$er'. I think six pepperonis are too much anyway.
Me: I'M GLAD EVERYONE AGREES THAT WE NEED AT LEAST SIX PEPPERONIS ON EVERY SLICE. IT'S TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL, THEN WE'LL PLAY A NEW SONG THAT JAY-Z STOLE FROM SOMEONE, THEN I NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING EVEN MORE IMPORTANT!!! THIS IS W@L'$ER' IN THE MORNING ON R503 RADIO!!!
*** Three-minute commercial break ***
Uhh... I'm Jay-Z, uhh...
Young hova, ya heard?
Mary had a little lamb
But maybe Mary had a ram
Lamb and ram, ram and lamb
Uhh... no thank you ma'am
Fleece white as snow
It came to school, oh no
Teacher made it grow
Ram and lamb turn to crow
Made the children laugh and play
Michael Sam, openly gay...
Young hova, ya heard?
Me: WE'RE BACK, THIS IS THE W@L'$ER' IN THE MORNING RADIOOO SHOOOWWW!!!
*** Annoying sound effect ***
Me: I SAID WE WERE GOING TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT!!! NOW IT'S TIME TO DO THAT!!! JUSTIN BIEBER!!! WHICH VERSION OF HIS LESBIAN HAIRCUT DO YOU LIKE BEST!?!?!
Co-host with No Personality: I liked the third one.
Me: THE THIRD ONE!?!? HOW COULD ANYONE LIKE THE THIRD ONE!?!? IF I WERE TO RANK JUSTIN BIEBER'S LESBIAN HAIRCUTS, I'D GO WITH THE PRESENT ONE, THEN THE ONE BEFORE THAT, THEN THE FIRST ONE BECAUSE IT WAS AN ORIGINAL, THEN THE ONE TOM BRADY COPIED. WHAT DO YOU CALLERS THINK!?!?! JOE, YOU'RE ON THE AIR WITH W@L'$ER' IN THE MORNING!!!
Joe: I like to touch mythelf when I look at Juthtin Bieber...
Me: SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU LIKE THE PRESENT ONE BETTER TOO!!! I THOUGHT SO!!! WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING HIS SECOND LESBIAN HAIRCUT IS THE BEST!?!?! IT'S DEFINTIELY THE WORST ONE!!! SAMANTHA, YOU'RE ON THE AIR WITH W@L'$ER' IN THE MORNING!!!
Samantha: How dare you call it a lesbian haircut!? Not all of us lesbians have haircuts like that! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go spike my hair!
Me: SEE, HERE'S ANOTHER PERSON WHO AGREES WITH ME THAT JUSTIN BIEBER'S CURRENT LESBIAN HAIRCUT IS THE BEST!!!
Token Black Woman: I don't think she's agreeing with you. She's mad at you for calling Justin Bieber's hairdo a lesbian haircut.
Me: MONET, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU THINK JUSTIN BIEBER'S SECOND LESBIAN HAIRCUT IS THE BEST ONE!!! WE'VE TALKED TO 20 CALLERS ALREADY WHO AGREE WITH ME!!!
Token Black Woman: Twenty callers? We've had two on in this segment...
Me: BILLY BOB, YOU'RE ON THE AIR WITH W@L'$ER' IN THE MORNING!!!
Billy Bob: We need ta blame Presdent Oh-bama for Justin Bieber's queer haircuts!
Me: I DON'T BLAME PRESIDENT OBAMA FOR THIS!!! I BLAME THE PEOPLE WHO THINK JUSTIN BIEBER'S SECOND LESBIAN HAIRCUT IS THE BEST ONE!!! IT'S TIME FOR A QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK, AND THEN WE'LL PLAY ADAM LEVINE SINGING LIKE HE HAS DIARRHEA AND THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT FOOT FUNGUS AND WHAT IT TASTES LIKE!!! THIS IS W@L'$ER' IN THE MORNING ON R503 RADIO!!!
If you just drove into oncoming traffic, my apologies.