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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 17, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of Black Friday

Some of you might be expecting the Newton, Conn. shooter to be a Jerk of the Week, but he's way worse than just a jerk. I'd also say something like my thoughts and prayers are with the families, but that's not going to bring the kids back. This is a terrible event that unfortunately just couldn't be prevented; as my editor said, "You can't stop a madman in action unless luck's on your side." And by the way, the scumbags using this tragedy by promoting their short-sighted political agendas on Twitter and Facebook are jerks. I'm looking at you, Jason Whitlock. Kids died, a**holes, so just shut up.

At any rate, on to this week's jerks...


I know it's now mid-December, but I'm going back to Black Friday because there are some jerks I need to mention from that weekend. It all started when I was getting a head start on holiday shopping on Thanksgiving afternoon. I was perusing BestBuy.com because they claimed to have great pre-Black Friday deals. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anything I wanted for myself.

"Don't want it... don't want it... have it... don't want it... don't have time for it... don't want it..." I constantly muttered to myself. After about a half hour, I was about to give up. Shopping for myself can be extremely difficult sometimes. I just never know what I want.

Suddenly, I got a call from my mom. I was guessing she wanted me to bring over something for Thanksgiving dinner that evening, and I was right. Last year, she just wanted me to buy milk. This time, she was demanding a more tedious task.

Mom: Can you bring over two folding chairs - the ones in your basement?

Me: Ugh. Do I have to?

Mom: Don't ugh me. And yes. We're having a lot of people over this year, so we need extra chairs!

Me: Ugh. Who are these extra people?

Mom: Well, the usual, plus pop's friend and his wife.

That was pretty unusual because this particular good friend of my dad's always spends Thanksgiving elsewhere. I didn't give it much thought though. During halftime of the Cowboys-Redskins blowout, I exerted all of my energy loading two of my folding chairs into the trunk of my car and then driving over to my parents' house...


1. Political Fisticuffs

I have to cover all three football games on Thanksgiving, so my family usually sits down and begins dinner without me during the fourth quarter of the Dallas game. The Redskins were destroying the Cowboys early on, so I thought I could join everyone on time, but stupid Dallas had to attempt a comeback that failed.

Dinner was awesome, and thanks to the tryptophan in the turkey, I felt myself slip into a food coma during the third game. Thankfully, the Jets' theatrics, including the epic Mark Sanchez butt fumble, as shown beneath this paragraph, kept me awake.



Eventually, everyone left. My dad, who plopped down in the armchair in front of the TV, told me an amusing story about why his friend was here tonight instead of his usual Thanksgiving locale. Here's what happened, according to my dad...

Dad's Friend: What a terrible election. I'm so disgusted right now.

Thanksgiving Host: What?

Dad's Friend: I can't believe we have to endure four more years with this idiot.

Thanksgiving Host: Idiot? He's not an idiot!

Dad's Friend: Of course he's an idiot. He has bankrupted our country and the economy has barely improved!

Thanksgiving Host: He's not an idiot. You're an idiot!

Dad's Friend: What did you say?

Thanksgiving Host: You're an idiot! Barack Obama is the greatest president since Bill Clinton!

Dad's Friend: Obama sucks!

Thanksgiving Host: No! You suck!

Dad's Friend: I suck? You're a moron if you think this country's going to improve with higher taxes and this idiotic health care plan!

Thanksgiving Host: I'm a moron!? You are a moron and your wife is a moron!!!

The argument kept getting worse, and Thanksgiving Host eventually took a swing at Dad's Friend. Dad's Friend responded with a hook to Thanksgiving Host's jaw. They punched each other for a good minute until someone broke up the skirmish.

I've heard of people getting into political arguments before, but political fistfights?







2. Black Friday Shopper

I finished my recap of the Patriots-Jets game and announced that I was going back to my house. I carried the two foldout chairs, as well as my laptop bag to my car. I reached into my pocket for my car keys, but realized that I forgot them in my parents' house. So, I left everything by my car and jogged back across the street.

I grabbed my car keys and took some Thanksgiving leftovers from my mom, and then I went back outside. I approached my car, but something didn't look right. It took me a couple of seconds, but it suddenly dawned on me that the chairs were missing. I was literally inside my parents' house for three minutes, yet in that time, someone stole my two foldout chairs!

Some thoughts on this:

1. Thank God the thief didn't take my laptop bag. Not only could my e-mails be accessed, but someone would have all of my Web site files. It would all be gone. Thankfully, people who are petty thieves tend to be idiots, so they valued two foldout chairs more than a laptop.

2. What a**hole steals two foldout chairs? Like seriously, good job with that. You now have two foldout chairs! You could've spent $20 each for them, but no, you just had to nab some by a car. I hope the trashy person who stole those chairs is really happy with them - until he or she karmically develops chronic hemorrhoids.

I can almost imagine the conversation in that trailer-park household that night:

Trashy Mom: What's you gots for Blacks Friday? Any good dealses?

Trashy Kid: Yo moms, I couldn'ts affords nothins in the Best Buy but I gots these two fine foldout chairs on the sides of dem roads.

Trashy Mom: Ooooooohhh we goin' be sittin' perty this year!

3. I wouldn't have left two chairs - let alone a laptop bag - on the side of the street in a bad neighborhood, but my parents live in a suburban-like area on the very edge of Northeast Philadelphia. In fact, the next street over is a suburb of Philadelphia. So don't call me stupid for being so careless.

4. I assumed the chair thief was almost definitely a passerby who didn't live in my parents' neighborhood. But what if it was someone we knew? I began racking my brain, trying to figure out who would steal two foldout chairs. It suddenly dawned on me that my No. 1 suspect was my former evil Vietnamese neighbors.

It was so obvious. Their master plan is the destruction of America. That's why they don't pay any taxes and wreck innocent fire hydrants. What better way to ruin this great country than to steal two foldout chairs in front of a car?

I was so pissed by this whole situation that I got into my car and began driving around like a lunatic. I checked every street to see if I could find someone stealing stuff in front of people's houses. I even considered following a car that I deemed suspicious in my deranged state of mind.

I actually started to turn where that car was going when I suddenly realized that I was angry about two freaking foldout chairs. Like, who cares? They can easily be replaced, while the person who stole those chairs will likely cherish them forever because his or her life is so pathetic.

I now no longer wish for the chair thief to develop chronic hemorrhoids. Maybe just a minor case would be acceptable.


3. Angry Black Girl

I thought about going to a mall or a Best Buy that night for Black Friday. Not that I would've purchased anything for myself; I would have gone just to find jerks to write about. However, I decided against this because I was so worn out from being angry at the a**hole who stole my two foldout chairs. I think I'll go next year, assuming no one else nabs something of mine.

The following night, I was getting ready to go to a bar for my cousin's birthday. I went to put on a shirt when I heard my phone ring from my office. The phone stopped ringing by the time I got back. I looked to see who dialed my number, and it was my sister. I called her back right away, but didn't get an answer. I thought nothing of it, so I went back to my bedroom and continued to prepare to go out.

I was waiting for my ride to arrive when my phone rang a second time. It was my sister again. I answered the phone, but instead of hearing her voice, an angry black girl responded.

Angry Black Girl: Who dis?

Me: Umm... who are you?

Angry Black Girl: Who dis speakin'?

Me: Is my sister there? Why do you have her phone?

Angry Black Girl: Why you keep callin' my boyfriend numba?

Me: What?

Angry Black Girl: Who dis? Why you keep callin' my boyfriend numba?

Me: What? Why do you have this phone?

Angry Black Girl: Tell me why you keep callin' my boyfriend numba.

Me: What?

Angry Black Girl: Tell me how long dis been goin' on.

At this point, I considered two possibilities: One, some idiot stole my sister's phone, or two, this was a prank call of sorts by one of my sister's friends. I decided to play along.

Angry Black Girl: Tell me how long dis been goin' on.

Me: To tell you the truth...

Angry Black Girl: To tell me the troof? You goin' tell me the troof?

Me: Yeah. To tell you the truth, this has been going on for quite some time now.

Angry Black Girl: Whatchu say?

Me: It's been going for a long time now. Months. Actually, half a year.

Angry Black Girl: ...

Me: I love your boyfriend. We have passionate man sex all the time, especially on warm, sunny afternoons.

Angry Black Girl: ...

Me: You there?

I looked at my phone and noticed that Angry Black Girl hung up. I texted my sister's number, "Some black girl called me from your phone." My sister then called me an hour later, completely confused by the situation. She assured me that no one took her phone; she was just having dinner with her boyfriend that night.

So, it wasn't a prank call, and my sister had her phone this whole time, so how did this happen? How did someone call me from my sister's number? I mean, perhaps a line got crossed somewhere, but the odds are absolutely astronomical that I would get a call from my sister's exact number.

The better question is, who was that lunatic? Why was she so convinced that her boyfriend was cheating on her? I mean, maybe she took her boyfriend's phone and saw lots of incoming calls from a certain number, but upon hearing my voice, wouldn't she be assured that her boyfriend was just speaking to one of his guy friends? Why'd she think he was cheating on her with another man?

I'm so confused by this situation. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from Angry Black Girl since. Perhaps it was such an extremely fluky crossed line. Or maybe she stabbed her boyfriend to death upon learning that he was cheating on her with some white guy, and then proceeded to take her own life. That would be horrible - but only because she wouldn't be able to provide me with more Jerks of the Week material.





4. Line Dancing

My Asian friend, Not Asian Guy, arrived just as Angry Black Girl hung up on me. We then left to go to this bar that was about a 15-minute ride from my house. I don't know why my cousin wanted to go there, but it was his birthday, so I suppose it was only right to let him pick where he wanted to go for a change.

I didn't like the bar very much. It had too big of a dance floor, and there weren't any pool tables or dart boards. Plus, the music was too loud; I couldn't talk very much without yelling "WHAT!?" several times. So, I couldn't talk, play pool or throw darts. What the hell was I supposed to do there?

Not Asian Guy, meanwhile, was a fan. While he lamented the lack of a pool table, he noted that there were many hot girls there for him to game. One such girl, who happened to be Russian, sat down at our table. She introduced herself to us, and Not Asian Guy announced himself as "Sven." His real name is the furthest thing from Sven, but I went along with it and kept calling him Sven until we went up to the bar by ourselves to get drinks.

Me: Sven? Your name is Sven tonight?

Not Asian Guy: Yeah, nice job playing along.

Me: Well, no problem, but why are you calling yourself Sven?

Not Asian Guy: Because that chick is Russian. If I can convince her that I'm Russian too, I'll have a chance.

Me: But you're not Russian. You're Asian!

Not Asian Guy: So? I think my Sven name is going to fool her.

Me: But Sven isn't even a Russian name!

Not Asian Guy: Oh, it isn't? Damn it!

The Russian girl spent most of the time talking to my cousin anyway, so "Sven" pursued some of the girls on the dance floor. He hilariously continued to introduce himself as Sven, but no one gave him a perplexed look or anything. Perhaps everyone he talked to was drunk enough to believe that Sven was a common Asian name, or something. Because I'm sure if you look in a Chinese phone book, you'll see lots of Sven Chens and Sven Changs.

So, "Sven" danced the night away, while I sat at the table with a couple of people. The other dancers in our group were my friend Val and my other cousin Polina. They constantly asked me why I wasn't dancing, much like those at the wedding I attended recently.

I explained my frustration with dancing to Val - how it's confusing because there is too much geometry and physics involved. I told her that I'd rather go to the dentist than dance, and she looked at me like I was some idiot. Damn right, I'm an idiot. If I were smart and could calculate the geometry and physics of dancing in my head, I'd be on the dance floor all night.

Then, something strange happened. Some song I wasn't familiar with came on, and everyone on the dance floor started doing the same thing. It was so weird.

Val: Come on, Walt, come on the dance floor and do a lion dance!

Me: Lion dance? What the hell's a lion dance?

Val: I said line dance!

Me: Line dance? What the hell's a line dance?

Val: You don't know what a line dance is? It's when everyone does a specific dance to a song.

Me: But I thought it was a line dance. They're not dancing in a line.

Val: No, there are different types of line dances. Like the Macarena. That was a line dance. This is another type of line dance.

Me: But how do you know which line dance to do then?

Val: There's just a specific dance to a specific song.

Me: Specific dance? Bah. I don't know any of the moves, and I don't have a calculator or a sheet of scrap paper with me to figure everything out.

Val: You don't need that! Just go do it!

Me: No! It's impossible!

Val: Walt. Just go out to the dance floor and have fun. Look at how much fun everyone is having!

Me: Fun? Fun!? They don't look like they're having fun. They look like they're in agony. I would be too if I had to do all of that geometry and physics in my head.

Val gave up and went to the dance floor. I would have wished her good luck, but she's the one who forced herself to do all of those tedious mental mathematical calculations. If she, Sven and the others want to torture themselves by figuring out equations in their head all night, that's their problem. I'll just sit back, relax, drink my beer and be an idiot.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 26


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 26


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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