I hate store hours on Christmas Eve. They don't make much sense to me. I was working on my live 2014 NFL Mock Draft update, as I do every Tuesday afternoon, when my mom called me and reminded me that if I wanted to buy food for the night, I'd have to go earlier than usual. You see, I live by myself, and I'm incapable of doing anything in the kitchen. This includes boiling water.
I finished everything up by 4:10. I guessed Saladworks would remain open until 5 or 6, but I figured I'd just call them rather than drive over and see for myself. The phone rang and rang, but no one picked up until I heard its voicemail. I swore into the phone, and then proceeded to try my second and final hope: Panera Bread.
This may surprise you, but I've actually discovered Panera Bread recently. Anti-Facebook Girl deserves all of the credit, and I'll have a story about my first experience there in the coming weeks. I dialed Panera Bread's number, and I was ecstatic when I heard a female voice answer.
Panera Bread Girl: This is Panera Bread in Feasterville, how may I help you?
Me: Thank God you're open! I thought I was going to starve to death tonight. When do you close?
Panera Bread Girl: We actually closed at 4.
Me: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! If I leave now, I'll be there at 4:25. Can you stay open?
Panera Bread Girl: I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
Saladworks and Panera Bread were no longer options for me on Christmas Eve, so what was I going to do? I weighed my options:
1. Eat some of my clothes for dinner.
2. Go out hunting for deer.
3. Buy stuff at Acme, which would stay open until 6, according to my mom.
Clothes don't taste good, though I suppose I could've added ketchup and barbeque sauce. Hunting for deer was only a slightly better idea. I had some weapons - a butcher's cleaver and a Game of Thrones replica sword - so I could've easily taken one down. But how would I cook it if I can't boil water? How does one cook deer, anyway? It's too big to fit into the microwave.
Acme was my only option. I drove over and roamed around the supermarket for a good 20 minutes, until I saw something awesome in the freezer section: frozen breaded chicken patties! All I had to do was stick one in the microwave for two minutes, and that's it. I could do that!
I bought these chicken patties, as well as cheese, buns and ketchup. I made them that night, and I have to say that they were amazing. In fact, I won't be surprised if word of my newfound culinary skills spreads across the land, and restaurants compete to have me make these chicken sandwiches for them. I hate to brag, but they were that awesome.
To illustrate just how delicious they were, I actually had a dream that night that was I eating more of these chicken sandwiches. Restaurants, prepare your proposals for me now.
I guess you could say I should thank the Christmas Eve hours for helping me stumble upon my unbelievable creation. But I'd still like to make these hours a jerk. What sort of restaurant closes at 4? What's the point? If you're going to close early, make it at 2. That way, you're catering to the lunch folk. No one eats a meal between 2 and 4 anyway, so why stay open? And if you're going to remain open until 4, why not just make it 6 so you can squeeze in individuals who want dinner like me?
I don't think anything should close on Christmas Eve anyway. Sure, these employees may want to be with their families for the holiday, but I think that's extremely selfish. They should stay open just in case I want to grab some food from their establishments. Who cares about their family? My hunger is way more important!
Christmas Eve hours is one of 12 jerks I'll be writing about in this Twelve Jerks of Christmas entry. Some are related to my appetite, while others are completely random. But these 12 jerks are my Christmas present to all of you, regardless of whether you're a devoted fan, casual reader or hate-mailer. I don't discriminate because I'm not selfish like those Panera Bread a**holes who won't even stay open half an hour extra just for me!
So, without further ado, I present to you the remaining 11 Twelve Jerks of Christmas:
2. Lettuce Company
OK, I kind of lied when I wrote earlier that I don't know how to do anything in the kitchen. Boiling water is a skill that still eludes me, but I know how to make cereal and sandwiches. Also, I've recently discovered how to make my own salads.
It's true! Wait, you don't believe me? OK, let me prove it. You can buy packaged lettuce in the supermarket. There's also salad dressing, shredded cheese, croutons and bacon bits. I have all of these goodies in my house. What you do is open the bag of lettuce, dump some on the plate, then add the cheese, croutons and bacon bits. Then, you squirt some salad dressing on top, grab a fork and mix everything. Then, you add even more salad dressing because it's really healthy and mix it again. That's how you make a salad. See, I told you that I wasn't lying!
I have one issue with the salad-making process, however: The packaged lettuce expires a week after you buy it! I think that's complete bulls***. The cheese I bought lasts at least half a year, so why can't the lettuce? I feel like lettuce should be able to remain fresh for at least three years because it's already green. I just don't understand why you can't keep lettuce in your fridge for that long. There's no reason it should go bad.
It's obvious what's happening here: The lettuce companies want their product to expire quickly so you'd have to buy more. It apparently works because no one has questioned this until me.
I'm going to try my best to expose the truth about these vile, greedy lettuce companies. If, however, I disappear, you'll know who silenced me. If that happens, keep the truth alive. These lettuce companies must be brought to justice.
3. Bottom Dollar Cart Lady
Acme is obviously a better supermarket than Bottom Dollar, but if I only need a few basic things, I go to the latter because it's a 3-minute walk from my house. It's pretty convenient, though I've recently grown displeased with it.
I entered Bottom Dollar one Saturday afternoon and ventured toward the area where they have the shopping carts. There weren't any shopping carts there, however. A fat female employee with curly hair wearing a bright green Bottom Dollar t-shirt was standing there and munching on a bagel, so I asked her what the deal was.
Me: Hey, where are the shopping carts?
Bottom Dollar Cart Lady: NOM, NOM, NOM. People must've left them outside, hun.
Me: Oh, is anyone going to bring them in?
Bottom Dollar Cart Lady: No, you'll have to get them yourself, hun. That's what we've been doing all day.
That's what you've been doing all day? Making all of your customers' shopping experiences more difficult? Congratulations on that. Instead if stuffing your fat face with a bagel, how about you do your job and bring some of the shopping carts inside?
4. Credit Card Thief
One food establishment I never go to is Starbucks. I haven't been to a Starbucks in years. I have no reason to go. I hate coffee, and I can work from home, so I don't have to sit inside one and use their Wi-Fi, all while being a pompous douche bag and telling people how good my art, music and/or poems are.
That's why I was surprised when I received a text from my credit card company, asking me to verify a purchase I made for $175 at Starbucks that day. Considering I hadn't left my house at all, that definitely wasn't me. Besides, I haven't spent $10 at a Starbucks in my lifetime; let alone $175. Who spends $175 at a Starbucks? That person must have some really pretentious art, music and/or poetry to share.
I texted "no" back to the credit card company, and they called me almost instantly. They said that someone used my credit card to charge $175 on their Starbucks card. When I told them I didn't do it, they canceled my card and issued me a new one. They also informed me that they would be conducting an investigation to discover who this credit card thief was.
Credit card thief, if you happen to be reading this, you're a complete idiot. Why would you steal someone's credit card, only to use it to charge your Starbucks card? All they have to do is look up whom that Starbucks card belongs to, and you're caught, just like that. What a moron.
People who steal credit cards are a**holes. Those who post spoilers on social media are nearly as bad.
I love the Walking Dead. As you may know, that show comes on Sunday night. I wait until Wednesday to watch it though because that's when I go to my parents' house for my weekly dinner with them. They're into it too, so we just watch the episode together. So, with that in mind, I try my best to avoid spoilers.
I wouldn't have to worry if it wasn't for Facebook or Twitter. I'm not on the former very much, but I constantly post updates on the latter @walterfootball. So, you can imagine how frustrated I was when I saw a character's name trending on Twitter as the mid-season finale was going on back in early December. So, a character is trending for no apparent reason during the second-biggest episode of the year? I wonder what happened to him, derp dee derp!
Why do people need to talk about this? So, a character died. Do you need to post that on Twitter? What's the point in tweeting, "R.I.P. Character X?" All you're doing is ruining things for those who haven't seen the episode yet. Way to go, a**holes.
6. Europa Report
I watched a movie at my parents' house recently. My sister was excited about it. "It's called Europa Report," she said. "There are aliens in it, and it's scary!"
Sounds cool, right? Well, the whole premise is that a group of scientists travel to Europa, one of Jupiter's moons, to investigate if there's life beneath the icy surface. It sounds promising, but believe me, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The whole thing is a documentary. As one person on Rotten Tomatoes described it, "It's like watching CNN for two hours."
I don't have anything against documentaries, but this one obviously wasn't real. I mean, maybe there is life in Europa's ocean, but the movie wasn't going to reveal any sort of truth. But even if they wanted to keep a documentary-type feel to this movie, they could've actually added real aliens. You see, despite what my sister said, there weren't any aliens in this movie, except for the final few seconds when you realize that - spoiler alert - the thing killing all of the scientists on Europa was a giant squid!
That's all it was. A giant squid. Europa Report could've featured some intelligent, oceanic life. That would've been neat. Or perhaps some alien creatures that infiltrate the ship. Or maybe even some mutant zombie polar bears on Europa's surface. Anything would've improved this POS movie. Instead, all we got to see was six scientists discuss seismic readings for two hours. They each died, one by one as they were dragged under the ice by the giant squid, but no one cared because there was zero character development in the film. In fact, the squid, once again, only shown at the very end, was the most-developed character in the movie. I wish I were joking about this.
7. 47 Ronin
Speaking of crappy movies...
This holiday season... Keanu Reeves... pretends he's Japanese... in a battle between good and evil... now he must defend his fake homeland against all odds and his own bad acting... in this epic thriller... 47 Ronin. This film is not yet rated because the people at the MPAA fell asleep while watching it.
8. The View
I've never watched the View before a Friday in December. I was at the doctor's, and the View just happened to be on the TV in the waiting room. So, I finally got to discover what all of the fuss was all about.
Here were my impressions of everyone on the View, and for those who watch, it was the episode in which the four women interviewed Robert De Niro, Sylvester Stallone and Sylvester Stallone's translator for their boxing movie:
Barbara Walters: Jesus, she's old. I know I shouldn't bash the woman I was named after, but she kept droning on and on about having to do stuff for "the children."
I honestly can't stand that. I think worrying about "the children" is kind of stupid because no one is a child for more than 18 years. Unless Peter Pan is flying around, sprinkling pixie dust on kids, every single one of these "children" will be an adult in 18 years or less. In other words, Barbara Walters' precious "children" can go f*** themselves.
Whoopi Goldberg: Whoopi Goldberg is one of my favorite people on this planet. She serves up mean drinks and is the only person to constantly give Captain Picard good advice. Where would the Enterprise be without her?
It didn't surprise me that I found Whoopi to be the only bearable host on this show. In fact, I feel like the View should just feature Whoopi, who can show us how to make awesome alcoholic beverages, all while dishing out advice to any starship captain who happens to be watching the program.
Loud Black Lady: I'm not sure who this black lady was, but all she did throughout the broadcast was yell as loudly as possible. This surprised me because black people are usually very quiet.
Hot Blonde Chick: This woman was nice to look at, but she didn't really say anything memorable - until Loud Black Lady promoted ESPN's NBA Christmas special to her female audience for some reason. When she said that the Lakers would be playing the Heat at 5:30, Hot Blonde Chick shrieked, "LAAAAKKKEEERSSSS!" at the top of her lungs, which made me ears bleed a little bit.
All right, calm down, Hot Blonde Chick. There's no need to get excited about a crappy team. In fact, if anyone asked her to name three players on the Lakers, she'd probably say, "Umm... like Kobe, that guy with the beard and Jack Nicholson?"
9. Joanie Joy
Speaking of stupid women, I received an e-mail from a woman named Joanie Joy, asking, "Any intention of acquiring the 5quarters.com domain name?"
You see, my dad used to own a store called 5 Quarters. I made a Web site for him back in 2007, but he sold the store a couple of years later. I stopped paying for the 5quarters.com domain name, so it expired and became available again.
This Joanie Joy vulture saw that it expired, so she jumped at the opportunity and bought it, and was hoping that she'd be able to sell it back to me for a profit.
What an evil b***h. She's almost as bad as the idiot who stole my credit card. Have you charged $175 to your Starbucks card lately, Joanie Joy?
I don't quite understand some slang. For instance, I've heard thug wanna-bes say stuff like "I'm a OG, yo!"
For years, I assumed that this "OG" abbreviation stood for "offensive guard." It made sense. Offensive guards block in the NFL, so these fake gangstas are proud of how well they block and stuff.
However, I recently discovered that "OG" means original gangster. That's dumb. Who wants to be an original gangster? First of all, gangsters are bad people. Second, "original" implies old and irrelevant.
If these people want to be cool, they may want to say, "I'm a NG, yo!" NG means "new gangsta" in this case, though I suppose "nose guard" would work as well.
11. Google Play
I recently wrote about my new elliptical. I initially had struggles with it because the crackhead who put it together didn't know what he was doing, and then the a**holes on the phone were extremely unhelpful. However, it's worked great lately, so I don't have any further complaints.
As I mentioned, I watch YouTube videos on it. I tried to load a video one Friday afternoon when a commercial came up for Google Play. I didn't think anything of it until the video I requested didn't load following this ad. I tried to reload the video, but I kept seeing this Google Play advertisement instead.
And that's when it hit me - this was not an ad. It was YouTube saying I had to download something called Google Play to watch all videos going forward.
I shouted out at least a dozen expletives and then clicked on the link. Given that I was browsing the Internet on an elliptical, the Web page loaded super slowly. I eventually got to the Google Play site, and I clicked to download it, but it kept giving me an error message saying, "There are no devices linked to your account." Umm... what the hell do you think I'm using, douche bags?
I never managed to figure it out. I simply failed to download Google Play. I tried to do it the following day, but I just gave up. I decided to attempt to load the YouTube video again, but I saw the same dreadful commercial once again. I hit "back" and tried typing something into the YouTube search - and suddenly my video loaded!
I can now watch YouTube videos this way on my elliptical, but it's still complete bulls*** that I had to find some random, sneaky method to bypass Google Play. F*** you, YouTube.
12. 9:30 Football
If you're a football fan, you may have heard that the NFL has announced that the Detroit-Atlanta matchup in London next year will be played at 9:30 a.m. Eastern.
I still can't wrap my head around this decision. What the hell is the NFL thinking? No one wants to wake up super early on Sunday for any reason. The poor people of Detroit already don't have jobs, and now they're going to get up super early to see their team do something stupid to cost itself a victory? Roger Goodell is just trolling Lion fans at this point, right?
These are two East Coast teams, but what about any Lion and Falcon fans living on the West Coast? They'll have to get out of bed at 6:30 a.m. to catch their favorite team. That's complete bulls***.
And then there's me. I'll have to be up early as well to prepare for this first game. I won't be able to get much rest that particular Sunday, so I'll be groggy all day. Worst of all, the dreams I have of my precious chicken sandwiches will be cut short. I can't even imagine how grumpy I'll be if I can't envision devouring countless chicken sandwiches in my sleep.