Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013





Jerks of the Week: Dec. 30, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas

I hate store hours on Christmas Eve. They don't make much sense to me. I was working on my live 2014 NFL Mock Draft update, as I do every Tuesday afternoon, when my mom called me and reminded me that if I wanted to buy food for the night, I'd have to go earlier than usual. You see, I live by myself, and I'm incapable of doing anything in the kitchen. This includes boiling water.

I finished everything up by 4:10. I guessed Saladworks would remain open until 5 or 6, but I figured I'd just call them rather than drive over and see for myself. The phone rang and rang, but no one picked up until I heard its voicemail. I swore into the phone, and then proceeded to try my second and final hope: Panera Bread.

This may surprise you, but I've actually discovered Panera Bread recently. Anti-Facebook Girl deserves all of the credit, and I'll have a story about my first experience there in the coming weeks. I dialed Panera Bread's number, and I was ecstatic when I heard a female voice answer.

Panera Bread Girl: This is Panera Bread in Feasterville, how may I help you?

Me: Thank God you're open! I thought I was going to starve to death tonight. When do you close?

Panera Bread Girl: We actually closed at 4.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! If I leave now, I'll be there at 4:25. Can you stay open?

Panera Bread Girl: I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Saladworks and Panera Bread were no longer options for me on Christmas Eve, so what was I going to do? I weighed my options:

1. Eat some of my clothes for dinner.

2. Go out hunting for deer.

3. Buy stuff at Acme, which would stay open until 6, according to my mom.

Clothes don't taste good, though I suppose I could've added ketchup and barbeque sauce. Hunting for deer was only a slightly better idea. I had some weapons - a butcher's cleaver and a Game of Thrones replica sword - so I could've easily taken one down. But how would I cook it if I can't boil water? How does one cook deer, anyway? It's too big to fit into the microwave.

Acme was my only option. I drove over and roamed around the supermarket for a good 20 minutes, until I saw something awesome in the freezer section: frozen breaded chicken patties! All I had to do was stick one in the microwave for two minutes, and that's it. I could do that!

I bought these chicken patties, as well as cheese, buns and ketchup. I made them that night, and I have to say that they were amazing. In fact, I won't be surprised if word of my newfound culinary skills spreads across the land, and restaurants compete to have me make these chicken sandwiches for them. I hate to brag, but they were that awesome.

To illustrate just how delicious they were, I actually had a dream that night that was I eating more of these chicken sandwiches. Restaurants, prepare your proposals for me now.

I guess you could say I should thank the Christmas Eve hours for helping me stumble upon my unbelievable creation. But I'd still like to make these hours a jerk. What sort of restaurant closes at 4? What's the point? If you're going to close early, make it at 2. That way, you're catering to the lunch folk. No one eats a meal between 2 and 4 anyway, so why stay open? And if you're going to remain open until 4, why not just make it 6 so you can squeeze in individuals who want dinner like me?

I don't think anything should close on Christmas Eve anyway. Sure, these employees may want to be with their families for the holiday, but I think that's extremely selfish. They should stay open just in case I want to grab some food from their establishments. Who cares about their family? My hunger is way more important!

Christmas Eve hours is one of 12 jerks I'll be writing about in this Twelve Jerks of Christmas entry. Some are related to my appetite, while others are completely random. But these 12 jerks are my Christmas present to all of you, regardless of whether you're a devoted fan, casual reader or hate-mailer. I don't discriminate because I'm not selfish like those Panera Bread a**holes who won't even stay open half an hour extra just for me!

So, without further ado, I present to you the remaining 11 Twelve Jerks of Christmas:





2. Lettuce Company

OK, I kind of lied when I wrote earlier that I don't know how to do anything in the kitchen. Boiling water is a skill that still eludes me, but I know how to make cereal and sandwiches. Also, I've recently discovered how to make my own salads.

It's true! Wait, you don't believe me? OK, let me prove it. You can buy packaged lettuce in the supermarket. There's also salad dressing, shredded cheese, croutons and bacon bits. I have all of these goodies in my house. What you do is open the bag of lettuce, dump some on the plate, then add the cheese, croutons and bacon bits. Then, you squirt some salad dressing on top, grab a fork and mix everything. Then, you add even more salad dressing because it's really healthy and mix it again. That's how you make a salad. See, I told you that I wasn't lying!

I have one issue with the salad-making process, however: The packaged lettuce expires a week after you buy it! I think that's complete bulls***. The cheese I bought lasts at least half a year, so why can't the lettuce? I feel like lettuce should be able to remain fresh for at least three years because it's already green. I just don't understand why you can't keep lettuce in your fridge for that long. There's no reason it should go bad.

It's obvious what's happening here: The lettuce companies want their product to expire quickly so you'd have to buy more. It apparently works because no one has questioned this until me.

I'm going to try my best to expose the truth about these vile, greedy lettuce companies. If, however, I disappear, you'll know who silenced me. If that happens, keep the truth alive. These lettuce companies must be brought to justice.


3. Bottom Dollar Cart Lady

Acme is obviously a better supermarket than Bottom Dollar, but if I only need a few basic things, I go to the latter because it's a 3-minute walk from my house. It's pretty convenient, though I've recently grown displeased with it.

I entered Bottom Dollar one Saturday afternoon and ventured toward the area where they have the shopping carts. There weren't any shopping carts there, however. A fat female employee with curly hair wearing a bright green Bottom Dollar t-shirt was standing there and munching on a bagel, so I asked her what the deal was.

Me: Hey, where are the shopping carts?

Bottom Dollar Cart Lady: NOM, NOM, NOM. People must've left them outside, hun.

Me: Oh, is anyone going to bring them in?

Bottom Dollar Cart Lady: No, you'll have to get them yourself, hun. That's what we've been doing all day.

That's what you've been doing all day? Making all of your customers' shopping experiences more difficult? Congratulations on that. Instead if stuffing your fat face with a bagel, how about you do your job and bring some of the shopping carts inside?


4. Credit Card Thief

One food establishment I never go to is Starbucks. I haven't been to a Starbucks in years. I have no reason to go. I hate coffee, and I can work from home, so I don't have to sit inside one and use their Wi-Fi, all while being a pompous douche bag and telling people how good my art, music and/or poems are.

That's why I was surprised when I received a text from my credit card company, asking me to verify a purchase I made for $175 at Starbucks that day. Considering I hadn't left my house at all, that definitely wasn't me. Besides, I haven't spent $10 at a Starbucks in my lifetime; let alone $175. Who spends $175 at a Starbucks? That person must have some really pretentious art, music and/or poetry to share.

I texted "no" back to the credit card company, and they called me almost instantly. They said that someone used my credit card to charge $175 on their Starbucks card. When I told them I didn't do it, they canceled my card and issued me a new one. They also informed me that they would be conducting an investigation to discover who this credit card thief was.

Credit card thief, if you happen to be reading this, you're a complete idiot. Why would you steal someone's credit card, only to use it to charge your Starbucks card? All they have to do is look up whom that Starbucks card belongs to, and you're caught, just like that. What a moron.


5. Spoilers

People who steal credit cards are a**holes. Those who post spoilers on social media are nearly as bad.

I love the Walking Dead. As you may know, that show comes on Sunday night. I wait until Wednesday to watch it though because that's when I go to my parents' house for my weekly dinner with them. They're into it too, so we just watch the episode together. So, with that in mind, I try my best to avoid spoilers.

I wouldn't have to worry if it wasn't for Facebook or Twitter. I'm not on the former very much, but I constantly post updates on the latter @walterfootball. So, you can imagine how frustrated I was when I saw a character's name trending on Twitter as the mid-season finale was going on back in early December. So, a character is trending for no apparent reason during the second-biggest episode of the year? I wonder what happened to him, derp dee derp!

Why do people need to talk about this? So, a character died. Do you need to post that on Twitter? What's the point in tweeting, "R.I.P. Character X?" All you're doing is ruining things for those who haven't seen the episode yet. Way to go, a**holes.


6. Europa Report

I watched a movie at my parents' house recently. My sister was excited about it. "It's called Europa Report," she said. "There are aliens in it, and it's scary!"

Sounds cool, right? Well, the whole premise is that a group of scientists travel to Europa, one of Jupiter's moons, to investigate if there's life beneath the icy surface. It sounds promising, but believe me, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The whole thing is a documentary. As one person on Rotten Tomatoes described it, "It's like watching CNN for two hours."

I don't have anything against documentaries, but this one obviously wasn't real. I mean, maybe there is life in Europa's ocean, but the movie wasn't going to reveal any sort of truth. But even if they wanted to keep a documentary-type feel to this movie, they could've actually added real aliens. You see, despite what my sister said, there weren't any aliens in this movie, except for the final few seconds when you realize that - spoiler alert - the thing killing all of the scientists on Europa was a giant squid!

That's all it was. A giant squid. Europa Report could've featured some intelligent, oceanic life. That would've been neat. Or perhaps some alien creatures that infiltrate the ship. Or maybe even some mutant zombie polar bears on Europa's surface. Anything would've improved this POS movie. Instead, all we got to see was six scientists discuss seismic readings for two hours. They each died, one by one as they were dragged under the ice by the giant squid, but no one cared because there was zero character development in the film. In fact, the squid, once again, only shown at the very end, was the most-developed character in the movie. I wish I were joking about this.







7. 47 Ronin

Speaking of crappy movies...

This holiday season... Keanu Reeves... pretends he's Japanese... in a battle between good and evil... now he must defend his fake homeland against all odds and his own bad acting... in this epic thriller... 47 Ronin. This film is not yet rated because the people at the MPAA fell asleep while watching it.


8. The View

I've never watched the View before a Friday in December. I was at the doctor's, and the View just happened to be on the TV in the waiting room. So, I finally got to discover what all of the fuss was all about.

Here were my impressions of everyone on the View, and for those who watch, it was the episode in which the four women interviewed Robert De Niro, Sylvester Stallone and Sylvester Stallone's translator for their boxing movie:

Barbara Walters: Jesus, she's old. I know I shouldn't bash the woman I was named after, but she kept droning on and on about having to do stuff for "the children."

I honestly can't stand that. I think worrying about "the children" is kind of stupid because no one is a child for more than 18 years. Unless Peter Pan is flying around, sprinkling pixie dust on kids, every single one of these "children" will be an adult in 18 years or less. In other words, Barbara Walters' precious "children" can go f*** themselves.

Whoopi Goldberg: Whoopi Goldberg is one of my favorite people on this planet. She serves up mean drinks and is the only person to constantly give Captain Picard good advice. Where would the Enterprise be without her?

It didn't surprise me that I found Whoopi to be the only bearable host on this show. In fact, I feel like the View should just feature Whoopi, who can show us how to make awesome alcoholic beverages, all while dishing out advice to any starship captain who happens to be watching the program.

Loud Black Lady: I'm not sure who this black lady was, but all she did throughout the broadcast was yell as loudly as possible. This surprised me because black people are usually very quiet.

Hot Blonde Chick: This woman was nice to look at, but she didn't really say anything memorable - until Loud Black Lady promoted ESPN's NBA Christmas special to her female audience for some reason. When she said that the Lakers would be playing the Heat at 5:30, Hot Blonde Chick shrieked, "LAAAAKKKEEERSSSS!" at the top of her lungs, which made me ears bleed a little bit.

All right, calm down, Hot Blonde Chick. There's no need to get excited about a crappy team. In fact, if anyone asked her to name three players on the Lakers, she'd probably say, "Umm... like Kobe, that guy with the beard and Jack Nicholson?"


9. Joanie Joy

Speaking of stupid women, I received an e-mail from a woman named Joanie Joy, asking, "Any intention of acquiring the 5quarters.com domain name?"

You see, my dad used to own a store called 5 Quarters. I made a Web site for him back in 2007, but he sold the store a couple of years later. I stopped paying for the 5quarters.com domain name, so it expired and became available again.

This Joanie Joy vulture saw that it expired, so she jumped at the opportunity and bought it, and was hoping that she'd be able to sell it back to me for a profit.

What an evil b***h. She's almost as bad as the idiot who stole my credit card. Have you charged $175 to your Starbucks card lately, Joanie Joy?


10. OG

I don't quite understand some slang. For instance, I've heard thug wanna-bes say stuff like "I'm a OG, yo!"

For years, I assumed that this "OG" abbreviation stood for "offensive guard." It made sense. Offensive guards block in the NFL, so these fake gangstas are proud of how well they block and stuff.

However, I recently discovered that "OG" means original gangster. That's dumb. Who wants to be an original gangster? First of all, gangsters are bad people. Second, "original" implies old and irrelevant.

If these people want to be cool, they may want to say, "I'm a NG, yo!" NG means "new gangsta" in this case, though I suppose "nose guard" would work as well.


11. Google Play

I recently wrote about my new elliptical. I initially had struggles with it because the crackhead who put it together didn't know what he was doing, and then the a**holes on the phone were extremely unhelpful. However, it's worked great lately, so I don't have any further complaints.

As I mentioned, I watch YouTube videos on it. I tried to load a video one Friday afternoon when a commercial came up for Google Play. I didn't think anything of it until the video I requested didn't load following this ad. I tried to reload the video, but I kept seeing this Google Play advertisement instead.

And that's when it hit me - this was not an ad. It was YouTube saying I had to download something called Google Play to watch all videos going forward.

I shouted out at least a dozen expletives and then clicked on the link. Given that I was browsing the Internet on an elliptical, the Web page loaded super slowly. I eventually got to the Google Play site, and I clicked to download it, but it kept giving me an error message saying, "There are no devices linked to your account." Umm... what the hell do you think I'm using, douche bags?

I never managed to figure it out. I simply failed to download Google Play. I tried to do it the following day, but I just gave up. I decided to attempt to load the YouTube video again, but I saw the same dreadful commercial once again. I hit "back" and tried typing something into the YouTube search - and suddenly my video loaded!

I can now watch YouTube videos this way on my elliptical, but it's still complete bulls*** that I had to find some random, sneaky method to bypass Google Play. F*** you, YouTube.


12. 9:30 Football

If you're a football fan, you may have heard that the NFL has announced that the Detroit-Atlanta matchup in London next year will be played at 9:30 a.m. Eastern.

I still can't wrap my head around this decision. What the hell is the NFL thinking? No one wants to wake up super early on Sunday for any reason. The poor people of Detroit already don't have jobs, and now they're going to get up super early to see their team do something stupid to cost itself a victory? Roger Goodell is just trolling Lion fans at this point, right?

These are two East Coast teams, but what about any Lion and Falcon fans living on the West Coast? They'll have to get out of bed at 6:30 a.m. to catch their favorite team. That's complete bulls***.

And then there's me. I'll have to be up early as well to prepare for this first game. I won't be able to get much rest that particular Sunday, so I'll be groggy all day. Worst of all, the dreams I have of my precious chicken sandwiches will be cut short. I can't even imagine how grumpy I'll be if I can't envision devouring countless chicken sandwiches in my sleep.




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Jerks of the Week - March 2, 2015: Disappearing Jerks: the Loser, the Douche, the Hobo and My Food
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 23, 2015: Gym Patrons and Their Mistakes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 16, 2015: Return to Kyoto - The Japanese Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 9, 2015: Jerry Jackson
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2015: Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death - All at the Gym!
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 26, 2015: Going to the Flyers Game
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 19, 2015: Return to Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 12, 2015: Chris Christie, Clorox, Gay Jokes
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 19


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5



 





 

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