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Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012




Jerks of the Week for May 21, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day

I'm sure you're all aware, but St. Stalin's Day was on Saturday. If, however, you've been living under a rock, St. Stalin's Day is the Russian version of St. Patrick's Day. My friends and I drunkenly decided this two months ago, as detailed in my Jerks of St. Patrick's Day entry.

Why Stalin? I don't know. It seemed appropriate at the time, eight beers into the night. Nevertheless, my friends and I ordered red "Quit Stalin" t-shirts, which drew mixed reactions on Saturday. My friend Schmidty summed it up best upon seeing them: "Those are some pretty controversial shirts you have there."

I wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, I don't consider it a successful day if I don't offend anyone. I do find it interesting, however, that all those offended weren't Russian. My Russian friends got a kick out of it, while my own parents occasionally drink a red wine called "Joe's," which has a picture of Joseph Stalin on it. My mom even said, "That's funny, but maybe you shouldn't call him SAINT Stalin." However, I had this type of conversation a few times leading up to Saturday:

Friend: I don't get it. What's St. Stalin's Day?

Me: It's the Russian version of St. Patrick's Day!

Friend: But why are you honoring him? He murdered so many people.

Me: Yeah, that's just what the media says though. He was misunderstood.

Friend: Misunderstood!? He was a terrible person!

Me: Well, maybe he was forced into it.

Friend: You're crazy. How can you celebrate St. Stalin? I mean, Stalin?

Me: Ugh, why are you taking me so seriously? It's just a day of drinking. Why do you have a dildoe up your buttocks?

Seriously. I mean, think about it. People celebrate St. Patrick's Day even though no one knows who he was, or what he did. How do we know that St. Patrick didn't kill 500 million people? How do we know that St. Patrick didn't fund QB Dog Killer's dogfighting syndicate? And even worse, what if St. Patrick is in league with Rick Santorum to eliminate lesbian porn? St. Patrick clearly could be a monster, but I'm still willing to drink to him.

While no one on this planet knows who St. Patrick was, Stalin is a much more famous figure. Or so you'd think. I discovered that an extraordinary number of people don't have a clue as to who Stalin was. I'll give you the details in my St. Stalin's Day recap:


Chickie's & Pete's:

The first stop on our St. Stalin's Day tour was at Chickie's & Pete's, a pretty large bar-restaurant 10 minutes away from my house. They're known for their famous crab fries, which go extremely well with cheese sauce. It's so gooooodoowdwd - crap I think I mini-stroke just writing about them.

I was stuffing crab fries into my mouth when my friend and former neighbor Melissa called to inform me she was swinging by. I went outside so I could hear her. That proved to be futile, unfortunately, because there were about a half-a-dozen 14-year-old prostitots loitering in front of the establishment. They quickly took interest to my "Quit Stalin" t-shirt.

Prostitot No. 1: OMG OMG OMG THAT GUY'S WEARIN' A QUIT STALLION SHIRT!

Prostitot No. 2: QUIT STALLION! QUIT STALLION!

Prostitot No. 1: OMG OMG OMG ARE YOU ST. STALLION!?

Prostitot No. 3: That says Quit Staylin; not Quit Stalin!

Prostitot No. 4: What the hell's Quit Staylin?

Prostitot No. 5: I dunno, hey what does Quit Staylin mean?

I was on the phone, so I couldn't really go into much detail; not that I wanted to.

Me: It's Quit Stalin!

Prostitot No. 1: OMG OMG QUICK STALIN!

Prostitot No. 2: QUICK STALIN! QUICK STALIN!

Prostitot No. 3: He said Quit Stalin; not Quick Stalin!

Prostitot No. 4: What the hell's Quit Stalin?

Prostitot No. 5: I dunno, hey what does Quit Stalin mean?

Melissa mercifully arrived at that very moment, so I didn't have to answer any other stupid questions. Thank God.

Melissa sat down at our table, now seating eight people - my former college roommate Dennis, Ces (formerly known as Angry Asian Guy), Adrienne, Marlana, Jess, Sometimes Trashed Girl and myself. I thought adding Melissa would be a problem; the bad thing about Chickie's & Pete's is that they won't seat you unless your entire party is present, and according to Sometimes Trashed Girl, they're very anal about adding members to a party. I don't get it. What do they think is going to happen, some random person is going to swoop in late and steal all of their precious crab fries? Actually... that does sound like a good idea. I'll have to try this out when the Chickie's & Pete's staff has its guard down.

At any rate, I showed Melissa the toast I delivered for St. Stalin's Day. Jess recorded it on her phone and posted it on my Facebook wall, so check that out if you want. You may be quick to point out that I hate toasts, but everyone made me do it. It was just too much peer pressure. Plus, it was the first St. Stalin's Day ever, so I had to do a toast. It'll haunt me for years though.





My Old Gym:

Why in the world would I go to my old gym - or any gym for that matter - on a drinking holiday? Does Russian culture entail being eaten by obese women in the pool? Actually, yes. Remember how Stalin supposedly murdered millions of people? Well, how do you think he did it? He locked innocent individuals in a gym pool with dozens of hungry, fat ladies. Safe to say that no one made it out alive.

In all seriousness, my gym was hosting Two Funny Philly Guys, a comedy show featuring Philly radio personality Big Daddy Graham, impersonator extraordinaire Joe Conklin and even former U.S senator Arlen Specter, who was shockingly hilarious. Since I sponsored the event, they gave me 10 free tickets, so I invited all of my friends (Dennis left, while Val, Body Burners, his girlfriend Jamie and her sister Jess joined us).

This was yet another place where the people didn't know who Stalin was. As I was walking in, one old geezer looked at my shirt and exclaimed, "Ha! Quit Stoolin!"

I'd say this guy was drunk, but getting inebriated at my old gym would have been extremely difficult. There was a long line for beer, and a cup of piss-warm Miller Lite was $4. What was this, some overrated New York comedy club where everyone thinks they're better than everyone else because they just happen to be there? I was actually under the impression that beer would be free at this event because tickets were $25 in advance and $30 at the door. I told my friends ahead of time that beer might be free, so they were all very disappointed in me.

Meanwhile, a number of interesting things happened. I saw a friend I used to hang out with when we were in grade school for the first time in years. His whole family was there, and when they discovered what I was promoting on their t-shirt, they shook their heads in disappointment. I swear I heard them say, "Where did he go wrong?"

I also received texts from a number not in my contacts list throughout the show. Here they are:

I want your body.

I will do dirty things to you.

And then afterwards we will wilk.

Have a tea party.

Naked.

I wanna lilililick you from your head to your toes and I wanna move dadadown to the floor.

Hot damn you are too sexy for words.

We makea with yhe ssxy yes.

Has anyone told you that the back of your head is ridicuilus?

I spent half of the comedy show looking around, trying to figure out who was texting me, but no one was being obvious.

The show itself was pretty good, though Big Daddy Graham repeated the same jokes (albeit funny ones) from when I saw him in 2007. Conklin and Specter were both terrific, and almost made me forget that I was drinking warm urine.

But none of those three comedians compared to what happened at the end. As people began filing out, they announced the winner of the 50-50 drawing. To do this, they asked the Hot Nursing School Girl employee to shake the box, which as you can imagine, was very entertaining. I definitely would have paid $30 for a ticket just to see that.


Sweeny's:

We usually go to Tango, a bar down the block from me, but it's been closed the past two weekends because there are new owners, and the old ones never renewed their liquor license***. So, we went to Sweeny's instead, which is right across the street.

*** Side note: Liquor licenses are a load of crap. Why does any establishment need liquor licenses? It's just bureaucratic bulls*** that shouldn't be necessary. If every single bar banded together and said, "F- you government, we're not getting any liquor license, there's nothing the political crooks could do about it.

Sweeny's is bigger than Tango, but we never went there because they used to allow cigarette smoking. As a non-smoker, I always thought that was the worst. If you're at a smoking bar, you either have to shower after coming home or change your sheets the following day. As a man who doesn't know how to change sheets, I always was forced to hop into the shower at 3 a.m. I'm so glad most bars force people to go outside to smoke.

Anyway, the Sweeney's patrons gave me dirty looks. Perhaps those sophisticated people actually knew who Stalin was.

Well, not all of them did. This short chick shaped like a bowling ball approached me to ask what my shirt meant. I quickly discovered that she was drunk out of her mind.

Bowling Ball Girl: Heeyyzzz wuuzzz yeeerr shuuurtt meeennn?

Me: It's the Russian version of St. Patrick's Day!

Bowling Ball Girl: I dinnzz eeevvaann knoowwzzz thaaasss!

Me: Well, now you know!

Bowling Ball Girl: Waaiizz a miinnnnuzzz, izzzz thuussss reeaaalll orrrr yeerrr mmaakunn it upppp!?

Me: It's definitely real! Spread the word!

Minutes later, I could barely talk because some stupid battle of the bands thing commenced. My cousin Megan showed up (also, my friend Matt, my sister and my other cousin Polina), and I wanted to buy her a drink because she just graduated from Penn State. She wanted a vodka cranberry, while Ces asked for a bottle Stella. So, I approached the bartender...

Me: Hey, can I have a vodka cranberry, a Blue Moon and a Stella?

Bartender: Wiwgow o sb f gh rj bfjb sdkj obnroeguebdsl.

Me: WHAT!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Bartender: rhro oq 8feubsdbs s oqbulkn bfkb rw;o snbe jer bnrb.

Me: WHAT!?!?!?!?

Bartender: wrih iqo a87( uowl hr eih rl nlbn rpiw80 fn & ue br.

Me: OH OK!

I still have no idea what he said, but I just went with it. He brought over my three drinks and raised six fingers. That really confused me. How could two beers and a vodka cranberry amount to $6? A Blue Moon I ordered previously was $3.75. It didn't make any sense.

I handed the bartender a $20, thinking I misread him, but he brought back $14 in change. I was so perplexed. I had 11-12 beers thus far, so it occurred to me that I might have been stealing alcohol, so I left him a $5 tip.

Minutes later, something more bizarre happened - the other bartender came by and gave me another Blue Moon! I have no idea what I did to deserve these discounts and free beers. Were they Joseph Stalin sympathizers? Is Sweeny's a secret communist hangout? This is the only plausible explanation I've been able to come up with.

As this was happening, I was still getting texts from that unknown number. Here they are:

I first want to undress you with my teeth, lick you from waist to nipple and suckle on your sweet teet.

While I suckle I shall gently caress your inner thigh while gingerly grabbing your amazingly masculine nut sack and tenderly teasing them... until they are ready for my mouth.

Once I feel you are ready for my mouth Big Boy, I'll get out the pop rocks and blow your mind.

Then you're going to get the ride of your life.

I was too distracted by two things to figure out who was sending these texts. The first was darts. We played 701, and I won, hitting the No. 9 when I had exactly nine remaining. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I high-fived everyone, including this hot, blond bar wench, who was collecting our empty bottles.

The second was the bar wench. She continuously gave me a look whenever she passed by. It was either a "I want to bang you. I get off at 2" glare, or "Stop staring at me, you perv!" gaze. They're pretty close, so I have a difficult time differentiating between the two.

Everyone walked out of the bar to go back to my house around 1, but I stayed with the bar wench because she was having difficulty with the vending machine. She ordered some Snyder's of Hanover pretzels, but the bag got caught in the coils.

Bar Wench: Ugh, seriously?

Me: That sucks, but maybe you can get two bags if you buy another one.

Bar Wench: Should I take the risk?

Me: I'd do it.

It would occur to me later that I should have bought another bag to be her knight in shining armor, but I had just completed my 13th beer of the day, so I wasn't thinking clearly. She inserted 90 more cents, and out came two bags. I thought I'd take this opportunity to impress her.

Me: You know, my college roommate Jared owned Snyder's of Hanover. Well, his parents do.

Bar Wench: Oh, OK.

Bar Wench was not impressed. Instead, she just walked away. Hmm... I guess it was the "Stop staring at me, you perv!" glare after all. Oh well. Worst-case scenario, I could have my nut sack suckled by the anonymous texter later that night...





My House:

Everyone was waiting at my house as I failed to game Bar Wench. My sister drove me over. En route, I received a text from Jess: "Hey, my friend Pat is coming over. Do you mind if he brings two girls with him?"

Do I... wait... do I mind if a dude brings two girls? What kind of a question is that? Why not just ask me some of the following questions?

  • Do you want to be raped by a hot chick?

  • Do you want fries with that?

  • Do you want to be in a threesome with two girls?

  • Do you want to be raped by an average-looking woman?

  • Do you want a meal during sex?

  • Should I get a boob job so my breasts will be much larger?

    Unfortunately, Jess deceived me. The two aforementioned girls were accompanied by a pair of dudes. Both chicks were hot, but the redhead was with Pat, while the blonde was with some other guy. My whole night was ruined!

    Well... not totally. Body Burners and I won 11 games of beer pong in a row. It got so bad that we offered to let the other team shoot three balls per turn, yet we still won. Only the combination of Matt and Ces offered any sort of challenge, and we were still able to prevail in overtime.

    The other drinking games didn't go so well. A group of eight people or so played Kings, but it abruptly ended when there was a dispute during "Never Have I Ever." I have no idea what was said, but a couple of people stormed out of my house angrily. As you can see, we take our drinking games very seriously.

    As for the anonymous texter? I was still getting messages:

    I bet you're wondering who this is, right?

    Because I am into role play and want to be the dkrty police officer who cuffs you to the bed and make you pay for your bad behavior.

    I wanna f*** you like an animal... And feel you from the inside.

    That's hot. Unfortunately, I never discovered who it was, and I was never felt from the inside by anyone that night.

    I went to sleep knowing that Stalin would have been disappointed in me because I wasn't banged like an animal. Fortunately, I can make up for it on St. Stalin's Day next year.

    Leave a comment

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    Carlos 01-03-2014 05:27 am xxx.xxx.xxx.180 (total posts: 1)
    1     1

    Somebody essentially asisst to make severely posts in Day 34 CrossFit Ruben Rodriguez I'd state. This is the very first time I frequented your web page and thus far? I surprised with the analysis you made to create this particular publish amazing. Excellent job!
    Matt 05-21-2012 01:22 pm xxx.xxx.xxx0.32 (total posts: 1)
    11     9

    Walt, you and your friends should create a sitcom. Friends, Part 2: Just as cheesy as the original.
    Tom 05-21-2012 11:36 am xxx.xxx.xxx.212 (total posts: 1)
    13     9

    Ten Bucks says it is a guy just messing with Walt.
    Joseph Stalin 05-21-2012 11:07 am xxx.xxx.xxx.251 (total posts: 1)
    17     25

    Niet, it vos me! Hahaha
    Bar Wench 05-21-2012 10:07 am xxx.xxx.xxx5.98 (total posts: 1)
    17     14

    it was me texting you ;-)
    Caveman 05-21-2012 09:29 am xxx.xxx.xxx8.21 (total posts: 1)
    16     35

    I refuse not to be a part of this next year.



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    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Free Agents - April 19


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17


    2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 16


    Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28


    2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 26


    NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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