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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013




Jerks of the Week for Feb. 4, 2013


Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020

I can be very selfish sometimes. Of course, I'm fully aware of this. There was the time I didn't help an old lady who fell down at the mall, and I definitely don't regret stealing Oreo cake from people at my cousin's wedding. I still have wet dreams about that.

I don't think those things are a big deal though. After all, old ladies fall down all of the time, so she undoubtedly was used to that. Plus, it would have been demeaning if I had helped her up. How would her self-confidence ever grow if people didn't let her get up on her own? And as for the cake, well, it had Oreo filling. It wasn't my fault that I stole all of those pieces. If it didn't have Oreo filling, I wouldn't have done that. I blame society for making Oreo-filled cakes.

I did perform a truly selfish act last week though when I wrote about my local bar Tango closing for good. All I did was whine about how I wouldn't have a place to drink on weekends, but that was exactly the problem - all I was doing was thinking about myself. What about all of the other Tango patrons? What would become of them?

Of course, the few normal people who went to Tango won't have any problems finding a new hangout, but what about all of the Tango jerks I've written about over the years? They're so strange that they'll have extreme difficulty locating a new bar. The following characters in my previous Jerks of the Week entries are undoubtedly distraught about Tango's closing:

  • Kissy Man and the Jealous Mexican - A weirdo who creeped out a songstress by blowing kisses at her, and a Mexican who was jealous of this.

  • Cornrow Cigarette Man - A black guy who harassed everyone for cigarettes.

  • John Lennon - A guy who looked like John Lennon.

  • Drunken Santa Claus - An old biker sporting a Santa Claus beard who happens to test jets for a living.
  • The Mongolians - Mongolians who invaded Tango.

  • Smelly Cougar - A stinky woman in her 40s desperate to bang anyone.

  • The Blondtender (the fact that she was fired) - A blonde bartender who raped me with a cucumber.

  • Melvis and Slav´┐Ż and Frederico - Two Russian creepers who touched girls' boobs and their fat friend.

  • Tango Stalker - A creepy guy who stalked girls and made Alan Rickman impressions for me in the bathroom.

  • Christmas Tree Man - A guy who complimented my friend Adrienne by saying that she looked like a Christmas tree.

  • Racist KKK Bikers - Douche bags who nearly jumped my friend Josh because they thought he was Jewish when he wouldn't give them money.

  • Drunkest Woman Ever - An incredibly intoxicated woman who charged $1.75 for blowjobs in the parking lot.

    What will happen to these people? Fortunately, I have the answers. Using my powers of divination, I've seen what will become of these individuals. Here's where they will be in the year 2020:


    1. Band Breakup

    John Lennon's quest to become the world's most renowned DJ was a failure back in 2012. The effort was there, as he attempted to provide Tango's most devoted with some entertainment on several weekend nights, but two things stood in the way:

    1. Being a loyal Tango patron, John Lennon always received cheap drinks. He would often consume too much alcohol, which derailed his music career.

    2. He wasn't much of a solo act; he needed to be part of a quartet to be extremely successful.

    In the wake of Tango's closing, John Lennon was actually sober on most nights for the first time in his adult life. He worked harder on his music than ever before. He then formed a band with Kissy Man, Jealous Mexican and Christmas Tree Man.

    "Working with those guys in the early days was something special," Lennon reminisced. "It was something new and exciting every single day. The music we came up with - we were definitely ahead of our time."

    The new band, calling itself the Ladybugs, released its first album in December 2014. A few months later, they were a huge hit. They toured across the globe and developed a cult following. Millions of girls threw themselves at them. Kissy Man would blow kisses at those women, while Jealous Mexican would leer in envy.

    By the time 2018 rolled around, the Ladybugs were on top of the world. Their latest album, Red Tugboat, sold one trillion copies. But that was the band's zenith. It all went downhill from there, and musical historians say that the decline began on a warm summer night in 2018. According to multiple accounts, John Lennon was playing the guitar on his front porch when a smelly woman in her 50s approached him, asking for directions and for sex. The exchange went like this:

    Smelly Cougar: Heeeyyy yeewww wheerrree ammm I goiinnn annn ddooo yewww wannn sssseexxxeesss?

    John Lennon: I don't know, and yes, I would never turn down a woman as beautiful as yourself. But tell me miss, you look so familiar. Where do I know you from?

    Smelly Cougar: Frooommm Taannnnggoooo duuuhhh hic!

    John Lennon: Ah yes, now I remember. But how did you manage to get intoxicated with the bar being closed for more than five years?

    Smelly Cougar: Getttt innnnnwhaaaaa? I'mmmmm sstiilll dddrruunnkk frrroommm laaassss tiimmmee I wuzzzz atttt Tannngggoo.

    John Lennon: You drank so much that you've been inebriated for more than five years? Highly impressive! Let's make haste to my bedroom!

    John Lennon would marry Smelly Cougar several months later. Though this made the couple very happy, the other band members weren't as pleased, lamenting that Smelly Cougar was sapping Lennon's musical creativity.

    Jealous Mexican: I don't like this one bit, John. Our songs suck now. And why didn't you get a significant other for me?

    John Lennon: Stop being jealous, a**hole. No one asked you.

    Kissy Man: It's true. Our sales are declining and our groupies are dispersing. I didn't even blow any kisses yesterday.

    John Lennon: Sales will pick up. With Smelly Cougar by my side, we'll sell more records than ever before.

    Smelly Cougar: Sellll reeeccororrdd offff whaaaaa hic!

    Christmas Tree Man: Aye love, you may look like a bloody Christmas tree, but how do you not understand what your husband does for a living, eh?

    Smelly Cougar: Myyy husssbannn's deeeffiiinnnleee liivvvinn hic!

    By Thanksgiving 2020, the Ladybugs had broken up. And now it's official that they're not getting back together again. On Dec. 8, 2020, John Lennon was shot in the head outside of his apartment. The culprit is still at large, but multiple witnesses told authorities that the shooter asked Lennon for cigarettes.





    2. War Prep

    The tragic end of the Ladybugs was just insult to injury for America, a country torn apart because of its ongoing war with the country of Mongolia.

    Everyone knows the story by now. The Ambassador of Mongolia joined U.S. President Barack Obama for a night out in the spring of 2017. Instead of waiting for his drinks like a normal person, the Ambassador of Mongolia charged the bar and demanded to be served immediately. The bartender told him to wait his turn because he was giving drinks to hot chicks at the moment. The angry ambassador then declared war on America.

    Obama, who recently used white guilt to give himself an unprecedented third term in office, tried to settle things peacefully between the ambassador and the bartender, but it was nickel-shot night, and there were tons of hot girls who needed alcohol.

    At first, the public scoffed at this war. How could Mongolia possibly pose a threat to the United States? Well, the Mongolian military landed in Mexico and then used their Mongolian tactics to break down the border walls. They entered this country, raiding southern cities for women and gold.

    Enough was enough. Obama had to strike back. So, he enlisted the help of America's chief jet-plane expert, (Formerly) Drunken Santa Claus, whose recent sobriety has helped him move up the Department of Defense's totem pole. Obama charged (Formerly) Drunken Santa Claus with building stealth jets capable of detonating isolated nukes, which are capable of killing only people who are a**holes in a certain location.

    When (Formerly) Drunken Santa Claus finished, he approached Obama with the good news.

    (Formerly) Drunken Santa Claus: Mr. President, I have constructed your stealth jets. Not only do they drop isolated nukes, they also have dispensers inside that generate unlimited candy canes.

    Barack Obama: That's very good, Mr. (Formerly) Drunken Santa Claus. I have some news for you as well. I'm picking North Carolina, Kentucky, Duke and Central Michigan to reach the Final Four in my bracket.

    (Formerly) Drunken Santa Claus: Those are all No. 1 seeds. And why are you telling me this?

    Barack Obama: Because the NCAA Tournament takes precedent over anything. If my bracket is busted, I'll destroy everyone. I haven't won a damn office pool in 10 years.

    White House Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. President, you have the Ambassador of Mongolia on Line 2.

    Barack Obama: Thank you very much, Mr. Mata. Ambassador, how are you?

    Ambassador of Mongolia: I HATE COUNTRY AMERICAN I GO TO BAR BARTENDER NO GIVE ME BEER RIGHT AWAY HE GIVE BEER TO FIVE GIRL FIRST!

    Barack Obama: That's too bad, Mr. Ambassador. Now, before I nuke your country, let me ask you an important question. Whom did you pick in your bracket? I have North Carolina, Kentucky, Duke and Central Michigan in my Final Four, but I'm strongly considering Eastern Illinois, Tennessee State, USC and Tulane.

    Ambassador of Mongolia: NO YOU MAKE BAD PICK YOU PICK ALL NO. 1 SEED AND CONSIDER ALL NO. 2 SEED I SOBER NOW I KNOW BAD PICK YOU NEED PICK SYRACUSE, GEORGETOWN, SANTA CLARA, WASHINGTON STATE.

    Barack Obama: Those are all 4-6 seeds. And that, my ambassador friend, is the straw that broke the camel's back. I will now be nuking your country. Good riddance.


    3. The Parking Lot

    Not all of the Tango jerks had to give up drinking. A brand-new bar opened up in Northeast Philly in the fall of 2017. It became THE place to be. Even the parking lot was extremely fun.

    The parking lot's primary attraction was none other than Drunkest Woman Ever. Formerly known as a disgusting female who charged $1.75 for blow jobs, Drunkest Woman Ever disappeared for several years to undergo intense blow-job training. She gave the best head known to man. Unfortunately, she increased her price from $1.75 to $550 per session.

    One particular evening, Drunkest Woman Ever was approached by someone familiar.

    Drunkest Woman Ever: Heeeyyyyzzzz I reccccugggnnizzzeee yeewwww frrrrommmm Ttaannngggogogogo.

    Tango Stalker: Did you ever realize how ugly you look when you pick your nose?

    Drunkest Woman Ever: Whaaaattt yeewww ttallkkuunn bbboiuttt?

    Tango Stalker: Look in the mirror the next time you pick your nose. You won't believe how ugly you look!

    Drunkest Woman Ever: Lessss getttt dowwnwnnn bussszzinnesss.

    Tango Stalker: Speaking of business, check this out. Hwaaaaa pooooo! Hwaaaa pooooo! Hwwwaaaa poooooooo! See, I'm picking my nose. Hwaaaaaaa pooooooo!

    Drunkest Woman Ever: I charrrjjjee $550 feeerrrr bllooowww jooobbbb doo yewwww wannnn orrr naahhhh?

    Tango Stalker: So, I have to ask you a serious question. Did you ever see that Family Guy episode where they made fun of Alan Rickman? Because I do the best Alan Rickman impressions. I'll perform them for you if you lower your asking price.

    Drunkest Woman Ever: Whhyyy wooo I wannnnn hhheeaarrr alllllan riiccckk impreessshunnnss?

    Tango Stalker: "My name... is..." Oh, this was when Alan Rickman recorded a voicemail message from the future. "My name... is..." Oh, and keep in mind that Alan Rickman of the present is calling the Alan Rickman of the future. It went like this: "My name... is... Alaaaan... Riiiickmaaan..."

    Drunkest Woman Ever: Stttoopp ttaalllkkiinn yeeerrrr soo nnnoyyiiinn. Finnee I'll chaarrgee onnnllyy $330.

    Tango Stalker: My naaame... is... Alaaaaaaan Riiiickmaaaaaan...

    Drunkest Woman Ever: Ookkk oonnllyy $50.

    Tango Stalker: Alaaaaaaan Riiiickmaaaaaan... Alaaaaaaan Riiiickmaaaaaan...

    Drunkest Woman Ever: Sttttooooopppppp ahhhhhh I'lll ggiivvvee freeee .

    Tango Stalker: But don't you really enjoy my Alan Rickman impressions? Alaaaaaaan Riiiickmaaaaaan... Alaaaaaaan Riiiickmaaaaaan...

    Drunkest Woman Ever hastily took some pills out of her pocket, shoved them down her throat and then washed them down with an insane amount of alcohol. She overdosed quickly, and the authorities were there shortly afterward.

    Police Officer: You, the weirdo with the black coat, did you witness anything?

    Tango Stalker: No, but I give a mean Alan Rickman impression. Alaaaaaaan Riiiickmaaaaaan... Alaaaaaaan Riiiickmaaaaaan...

    Five minutes later, the police officer killed himself as well.





    4. Blondtender's

    The double suicide outside of this bar didn't affect its revenue stream. As I said, this became THE place to be. In the past, people from Northeast Philadelphia would travel into the city to experience the downtown bar scene, but those who lived in Center City would actually venture to the Northeast on a weekly basis just to go to this new, hip bar.

    The bar is called Blondtender's, owned by the Blondtender, as you may have guessed. The Blondtender won the lottery in 2016. Upon claiming more than a million dollars, she recalled something a coworker of hers once said: "If I had a million dollars, I wouldn't open up a bar in Northeast Philly." To that, the Blondtender simply said, "Challenge accepted." The Blondtender bought a vacant building soon after receiving her lottery check. She renovated the place, acquired a liquor license and advertised the hell out of her new bar, promising that she wouldn't have any loud, obnoxious bands, and that she would hire the racist KKK bikers to ward off authorities who forced her to close the bar at 2 a.m. Blondtender's was an instant smash hit.

    Unfortunately, awesome bars tend to attract the wrong kind of people as well. Before long, Melvis, Slav and Frederico learned of Blondtender's. They would show up sporadically, grabbing random boobs throughout the night. The Blondtender would scare them away by raping them with a cucumber, but Melvis and Slav devised a plan against this.

    Melvis: Oh Slav, I very scare of Blondtenders, she stick giant cucumber in anoos. Still very hurt.

    Slav: I know, Melvis. Is very pain. I no understand vhy Blondtenders no like vhen vee touch boob.

    Melvis: Yes, Slav, I read in magazine American girl like touch in boob.

    Slav: I make plan, Melvis. I know how stop Blondtenders.

    Melvis: Bravo, Slav. How can make stop?

    Slav: Vhy, vee have Frederico. He can eat cucumber so no more cucumber in anoos.

    Frederico: Oh no, Slav, I no like cucumber. Iz green and no taste good.

    Slav: Iz OK, Frederico. Make pretending cucumber is chocolate torte.

    Frederico: Frederico love chocolate torte.

    Slav: Yes, Frederico, you vill eat chocolate torte and zen Melvis and Slav touch girl boob again!

    Sure enough, Melvis and Slav molested several girls at the bar that night. The Blondtender noticed this and reached for her trusty cucumber. Frederico, however, grabbed the cucumber out of the Blondtender's hands and quickly stuffed it into his mouth.

    Blondtender: Hey, you ate my cucumber!

    Frederico: Frederico love chocolate torte. NOM NOM NOM NOM.

    Melvis and Slav proceeded to touch every breast in the bar that night - except for the Blondtender's. They were closing in on her when a giant man grabbed them by their shirts and tossed them out the door. The man was none other than the Blondtender's overprotective father.

    Blondtender: Thanks, daddy!

    Poppa Blondtender: No one blogs about my daughter and gets away with it!

    Blondtender: Oh, they weren't blogging about me. They were just touching every gril's breast.

    Poppa Blondtender: What? Then who's still writing about you on his stupid Web site?

    The Blondtender pointed to a guy playing pool with his friends. "There he is! That's the guy who writes Jerks of the Week!" she exclaimed.

    Poppa Blondtender grabbed this individual and tossed him out of the bar, shouting, "Don't come back here ever again!"

    Damn it, that hurt. Ugh. I guess I'm going to have to find another bar yet again in 2020.




    More Jerks of the Week:
    Jerks of the Week - Home
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




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    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


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