I have an extensive history of cheating on tests. It dates all the way back to first grade. I sat next to this girl Stephanie, who didn't talk much, especially to 6-year-olds with mullets like yours truly.
One day, we were given some sort of test. I filled in my answers without cheating (honest, I swear), but when the teacher walked around the room to check everyone's results, she stopped at our desks and said, "That's strange. Walt and Stephanie have the same answers."
I was shocked. Was this the girl of my dreams? How did we come up with the same right and wrong answers? I would have asked her on a date, but 6-year-olds with mullets don't approach hot chicks and ask them out. And unfortunately, the fact that we both got C's convinced Stephanie that cheating off of me wasn't the best option.
I'll never forget the first time I cheated on a test. It was in my 7th-grade history class. It was a warm May afternoon, so girls were wearing less, making me pretty distracted. I didn't even know we had a test coming up.
When we got the exam, I realized that I knew just enough to get maybe a 60. I wrote down my answers. When I stood up to give the test to my teacher, I walked by this smart girl, Ann. Naturally, Ann had some different answers than I did. So, making a quick decision, I chose to ask my teacher a question instead of handing my test in. I walked back to my desk and glanced down again. Memorizing most of her answers, I changed mine to hers. A few days later, I was awarded with an 84. Go me.
Cheating continued all throughout high school and college. In my 11th-grade history class, we had a system set up. I'd copy off the smart Asian girl in front of me. My friend Jarrod would then take my answers. The people sitting on the other side of him would then copy off of him, and so on. This worked great except for one time when I was moved to the front of the class for talking. This ruined our whole cheating assembly line, and everyone failed. The teacher blamed herself for not preparing us.
In college, I cheated in many classes that didn't deal with my major. In social geography, I came out with an A despite never studying once. In a history class, I showed up drunk to my final and still got an 84. My best work came in another small class, where I got all 11 people to divide the work evenly and send it to me. I then put everyone's answers together and e-mailed it back out to everyone. Easily my proudest achievement ever.
So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, there are two forms of cheating. The one I just described didn't hurt anyone. I can almost hear some losers saying, "You hurt yourself by not learning." Woe is me. I don't even know what social geography is and I can't name a single event I "learned" in that history class. Now, my life is ruined. Oh noez.
The other form of cheating is stealing someone's work and passing it on as your own. Now, this may sound very similar to cheating on a test, but in this instance, it's someone's paycheck, and not some stupid assignment or test. At least that's what I like to tell myself anyway. I'm convinced that if more than a thousand Web sites steal my content, I'll be living in a cardboard box by January.
If you don't visit the forums frequently, I've been plagiarized twice in the past few months by different Web sites. The most recent plagiarizer copied and pasted my NFL pick write-ups, word-for-word, and even kept the nicknames I give to some of the players. He also stole pick write-ups from the Sporting News and Covers.com. Just wait until they find out that he stole their info. He'll get lawyered up the a**.
I won't say that I work harder than a coal miner, a janitor or a prostitute, but I actually do put in hours upon hours writing up my picks. A lot of research, caffeine and cat urine (just kidding - maybe) is involved to get everything written. And when you factor in that this Web site is my main source of income, stealing the picks and using them as his own was a douche-baggy thing to do.
Making matters worse, this guy didn't have a contact e-mail on his Web site, so I couldn't get in touch with him right away. I guess he thought that hiding behind the shield of anonymity would allow him to steal other people's hard work and pass it on as his own. But thanks to forum members Cicero, LordOfPotato and Portnam, we were able to find his name, e-mail, phone number, home address, occupation, mortgage info, astrological sign and sexual preference. As Portnam put it, "Hell hath no fury like degenerate gamblers with internet access."
I contacted the guy and asked him to take my content down. A day later, I went to my lawyer and asked him to send a scary e-mail. Coincidentally, the guy agreed to take my write-ups down. And because I'm such an incredible person, I even gave him advice on how to improve his site (I told him to compile a list of picks - just picks; not write-ups - and list them in a chart. That's something I'd like to see.) I don't think he took my advice, but in return for taking my articles down, he asked me to delete the thread containing his personal information.
I thought that was more than fair. No one wants to know the astrological sign of a cheater anyway. Oh, and I'm a Leo.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: ESPN, NBC and Google
Some people like me hate QB Dog Killer and everything he stands for. We believe he should still be in prison because he can no longer be trusted in society. An alarming percentage of animal abusers go on to commit rape and murder. So, when QB Dog Killer rapes/kills a human being, we'll be saying, "I told you so."
There are other more na�ve people who either adore QB Dog Killer or believe that he deserves a second chance. They don't see anything wrong with electrocuting dogs with jumper cables and drowning dogs in a pool (and taking bets on how long they'll last). How these people live with themselves is beyond me.
But whatever your belief, you have to acknowledge that the QB Dog Killer coverage from ESPN and other sports media outlets (but especially ESPN) is sickening and really unwarranted.
It would be one thing if QB Dog Killer took over as the starting quarterback for the Eagles against the Chiefs 10 days ago. But he didn't. He threw two incompletions and ran for a 7-yard gain. Whoop dee f***ing doo.
What's more ridiculous is the fact that Kevin Kolb became the first quarterback to throw for 300 yards in each of his two starts, yet QB Dog Killer was the first thing mentioned in ESPN's Chiefs-Eagles highlights. Here are three stupid things ESPN has said/written about the QB Dog Killer situation (credit Big Daddy Graham for No. 2):
1. Keyshawn Johnson: "The fact that Michael Vick is not ready or Jeff Garcia is not ready... is just beside me."
Keyshawn wanted QB Dog Killer or Garcia to start because he didn't think Kolb could get it done. Yet, QB Dog Killer was just coming out of prison and Garcia just joined the team. Way to use your head, Keyshawn. Glad ESPN is paying him the big bucks instead of Emmitt.
2. Cris Carter: "Kevin Kolb doesn't look like a leader. I never met the guy..."
What the hell does that mean? He doesn't look like a leader, but you never met the guy? How does that make sense? What are you judging that on, Cris? I'd expect a much more informative opinion out of a grown-up Steve Urkel. At least Urkel was smart.
3. ESPN.com Home Page on Monday Morning: "As Brett Favre showed he's worth every penny, Mark Sanchez and Michael Vick made big strides, too."
QB Dog Killer made strides? Really? He was in on 11 offensive snaps and the Eagles gained 30 yards on those plays. Wowwwowowoww, what a big strides you have.
Meanwhile, NBC's Rodney Harrison may have said the dumbest thing of all:
4. Rodney Harrison: "The Wildcat is a joke. If Andy Reid really wants to help Michael Vick right now, he'll put him under center and have him drop back 10 or 12 times a game."
No, Rodney Harrison. You are a joke. Maybe I'm mistaken here, but is it Andy Reid's job to help QB Dog Killer, or is it to win football games? I guess I had it all wrong. If the Eagles go 5-11, that's OK because Reid helped QB Dog Killer. But if the Eagles win the Super Bowl without the assistance of QB Dog Killer, it's all a joke, according to Rodney.
Kids, let this be a lesson. If you take tons of steroids, you too may make an a** out of yourself on national television.
Let's keep going with this.
5. Google: This worked for me Tuesday morning. If you Google "Kevin Kolb," guess what comes up? A picture of QB Dog Killer with the caption, "Michael Vick makes return to NFL as Eagles topple Chiefs."
Here's another lesson, kids: If you drown dogs in your pool and electrocute dogs with jumper cables and hang dogs in your back yard, you can go to prison for 18 months, come out of prison with $6 million waiting for you, and be cheered on by an entire city.
With the media's love affair with QB Dog Killer, the smartest comment I heard all weekend came from NFL.com's new crappy GameCenter:
6. Random NFL.com GameCenter User: "You losers booed McNabb when he got drafted and applauded for Vick, and he has not done nothing as an Eagle yet."
If you're an Eagles fan who cheers on QB Dog Killer, read that for a second and realize what you're doing here. You should be asking Roger Goodell to kick QB Dog Killer out of the league again; not cheering on a deranged psychopath who should still be in prison.
And if you need a legitimate reason to do this, just keep reading...
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Philadelphia Cat Torturers
As many of you know, I live in the glorious city of Philadelphia. Just on my block, I have evil Vietnamese people who want to ruin this country by not paying taxes and busting up fire hydrants; noisy and annoying kids who piss me off to no end; and a "bum" who spends his Monday afternoon scouring his front lawn for something he may or may not have lost.
I've always known that Philly has sucked, but last week, my disdain for this city reached an all-time high.
I seldom watch the news, but it was on, I couldn't find the remote, and I was too fat to get up and change the channel. The ABC local news led off with a story about animal abuse. With this stupid QB Dog Killer fiasco, it caught my attention.
Channel 6-ABC reported that animal abuse in Philadelphia has reached a record high. They talked about three instances that occurred in a single day:
1. A bus driver found three stray cats sleeping on his bus. He hurled the cats off the bus. One of them suffered a broken leg. He was fined $750 for each cat.
2. A man was charged with setting a cat on fire. He actually managed to burn some of the cat's whiskers off. The remaining whiskers were bent and crooked, and the animal looked like it just escaped the clutches of a hungry Rosie O'Donnell - it was terrified at the slightest touch.
3. A man who looked like a cheap version of Snoop Dog for some reason thought it would be fun to duct tape a cat. The cat was left outside and obviously couldn't move, and luckily was found before it died of hunger/thirst.
All of this happened ON ONE DAY. Hmm... is it a coincidence that animal abuse in Philadelphia is at an all-time high right now? I wonder what could have caused this... it seems like a major event has happened recently that would spark behavior like this.
I've written this a ton of times before, but the Eagles, and anyone who roots for that organization, should be ashamed of themselves.
Some people are stupid, especially those who reside in this city. They saw the Eagles bringing in deranged psychopath QB Dog Killer. They not only assumed that his actions were OK; they've actually begun to emulate them.
After all, you can apparently kill a couple of hundred dogs by drowning and electrocuting them, go to prison for about a year, earn $6 million as soon as you become a free man once again, and get cheered by scumbags and the naive who don't understand the situation.