I had nothing planned for last Tuesday night. I was going to buy some Saladworks, watch a few episodes of Justified and then download a few gigabytes of porn. However, my best friend Josh texted me around 5, asking me if I wanted to see Prometheus with him at Neshaminy Mall.
I accepted Josh's invitation even though I don't particularly like going to the movies. I have two reasons:
First, I don't even like movies. Seriously. I seldom watch them. I was playing Kings at Injured Reserve and Man-Eaters' new house a couple Saturdays ago, and one of the categories that came up was "action movies with bad lead actors." I couldn't think of any. It was pathetic - though not as pitiful when I suggested "NFL teams," and one of the guys said, "Uhh... Bulls... Chicago Bulls?" If this were the olden days, they would have cut off his balls right on the spot.
I'm not a fan of movies because they're just 90-150 minutes, and then that's it. TV shows are so much better because there's a new episode every week, allowing us to think about the plot and the characters in the six days in between. Movies just come and go. They may or may not be entertaining, but I feel like it's a waste of approximately two hours because you'll never see the characters ever again. The obvious exceptions are sequels and trilogies, but subsequent editions of movies are usually bad. I nearly had a seizure during the Phantom Menace; whoever conjured up that Jar-Jar Binks character should be transformed into a eunuch as well.
Second, stating the obvious, movie ticket and concession prices are ridiculous. If you have a family of four, tickets will cost about $35 all together; $60 if you're seeing an IMAX or 3D movie. Four popcorns and four sodas run at a combined $32. Factor in gas money, and you're close to $100. Who's willing to pay $100 to go to the movies? I just don't understand this business model. How are movie theaters staying open when HDTVs make it so much more enjoyable to watch something at home? And what bank is willing to give out a loan for a trip to the movies?
Father of Three: Hi, I want five movie tickets, five popcorns and five sodas.
Banker: Let me run your credit score... and... ohh... 590... looks like you've seen a dozen movies this year, sir.
Father of Three: Well yeah, my wife and kids like going to the movies.
Banker: Yeah... well... maybe you can start making double payments on your movie-ticket loans to raise your credit score. I'm sorry sir, I can't give you a loan to see Prometheus.
Father of Three: NOOOOOO!!! THIS MEANS I'LL HAVE TO PLAY SCATTERGORIES WITH MY FAMILY SATURDAY NIGHT AHHHHH!!!
No wonder our economy sucks.
Anyway, I kind of wanted to see Prometheus because it looked cool in the commercials. It reminded me a bit of Battlestar Galactica, one of the best TV shows ever made. So, when I accepted his invitation to the movies, Josh asked me where I wanted to meet him. I insisted on my house this time, unlike the previous occasion in which I had to wait for him at Neshaminy Mall for 45 minutes, only to be blamed for being late. I was shocked when he agreed to drive here. However, this didn't prevent him (and a couple of other people) from pissing me off that night for various reasons.
Josh came by at 7:30. The movie started at 9. He already ate dinner, so he was willing to just wait while I gobbled down my Saladworks. Luckily, there's a Saladworks in Neshaminy Mall, so we didn't have to drive all over the place. As we stood in line, Josh asked me about my dinner choice.
Josh: Why are you getting Saladworst?
Me: I'm trying to lose some weight, maybe like 10 pounds.
It's true. I'm a fat slob, so I need to slim down a bit. My goal is to drop from 179 to 169, losing .1 pounds per week. I'm really taking this seriously. For instance, instead of purchsing a cheese quesadilla and a foot-long meatball-and-cheese hoagie from Wawa on Wednesday, I bought a cheese quesadilla, a 6-inch meatball-and-cheese and a hot dog. It was very difficult, but it was just a sacrifice I needed to make.
Josh: So, what type of Saladworst salads do you get?
Me: Usually the Buffalo Blue Chicken Salad or the Chicken Caesar Salad.
Josh: That's not healthy at all!
Me: It's healthy.
Josh: No it's not. Not at all.
Me: Dude, it's a salad. How can it not be healthy?
Josh: Maybe because of all the crap in those salads?
Me: Stop it. Salads are healthy, and you can't convince me otherwise.
Seriously, Josh was just being a communist about this. Salads equal healthiness. They say so in the commercials. And yes, I will admit that there are healthier salads than the ones I purchase, but the Buffalo Blue Chicken Salad and the Chicken Caesar Salad are still healthy - it's just a matter of how healthy they are; not if.
I'd get the super-healthy stuff, but it's disgusting. No thanks. Instead, I ask for extra salad dressing to make it even more healthy. Josh will feel pretty stupid when I'm looking sharp at 169.
I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone, so my preferred method of communication is texting. Thus, I'm OK when other people have to text when I'm hanging out with them - unless they're completely obnoxious with it.
Josh is a texting fiend. It took me 30 minutes to finish my Buffalo Blue Chicken Salad - I'm a really slow eater - and I swear that he was texting for 25 of those minutes. It wouldn't have been annoying if he actually paid attention to what I was saying, but he was in his own little world. For example, I asked him if he saw the Game of Thrones finale, prompting this one-sided conversation:
Josh: Yeah, I saw it. Pretty good.
Me: I was upset they didn't introduce one character this season. Having him on would have explained why Winterfell burned down at the end.
Me: Yeah, they should have introduced that one character.
Josh: Wait, what?
Me: There was a character they should have introduced.
Me: Don't you mean who?
Me: Dude, stop texting!
Josh: No, no, no, I'm listening. Characters and stuff.
Me: Ugh, you're the worst.
Josh: ... Wait, what, what?
This continued on throughout the half hour. I would try to explain stuff while he was feverishly mashing the buttons on his phone.
Me: Littlefinger is one of the coolest characters in the show and the book.
Josh: Yeah, the eunuch. I like him too.
Me: Littlefinger isn't the eunuch. That's Varys.
Me: It'll be cool once Littlefinger's grand-master plan is revealed. That happens in Book 4.
Josh: Yeah, I like the eunuch.
Me: Littlefinger's not the eunuch.
Josh: Yeah... wait, what did you say?
Me: Varys is the eunuch.
Me: Littlefinger's the guy with the mustache who owns all the whore houses.
Josh: Wait, Littlefinger's the eunuch, right?
Me: NO! STOP TEXTING AND PAYING ATTENTION!
Me: All you're doing is texting non-stop.
Josh: No, I'm paying attention. You said Littlefinger owns the whore houses.
Josh: And Littlefinger also happens to be a eunuch.
It's a shame that Saladworks gives you harmless plastic utensils to eat with; otherwise, I think I would have been tempted to transform Josh into a eunuch at that very moment.
I feel like Josh always screws me over when we go to the movies. When we saw the Hunger Games, he duped me into buying an IMAX ticket. We like to sit toward the front (fourth or fifth row), so the IMAX quality of the movie made my head hurt, since I constantly had to tilt my neck from side to side to see the whole screen. That's why I was quick to decline yet another IMAX experience.
Josh: Let's see the IMAX version.
Me: No. It was terrible last time. Plus it's too expensive.
Josh: Ugh. Fine. One ticket for the 9 p.m. Prometheus.
Cashier: That'll be $15.
Me: Fifteen dollars? What the hell?
Josh: The 3D version costs more.
Me: I don't want to see f***ing 3D! Why didn't you tell me this would be 3D!? I wouldn't have gone if I had known this.
A classic Josh maneuver - he withholds information so that you'll be forced to do something because it'll be too late to decline.
I did not want to see a 3D movie in the slightest. I absolutely hate 3D. I had never seen a 3D movie before because I knew I'd hate it. They make you wear ugly sunglasses that are uncomfortable. And the whole thing is a gimmick anyway. I feel like they cheapen the movies by adding 3D stuff, which takes away from more important qualities like storytelling and nude scenes.
I also hate 3D video games. My friend Caveman posted the following on Facebook recently: "Ubisoft is owning gaming right now. I'm buying about 90% of their games in next 6 months."
My response: "Does Ubisoft have mushrooms and turtles that you can stomp on? No? Then no thank you."
Seriously, I hate Ubisoft. I don't even know which games they produce, but they don't have awesome ones like Mario or Zelda, although I'm starting to hate both franchises because they've begun producing 3D versions. Why the hell would anyone want to play a video game in 3D? I can't even handle 3D in real life, and now they're asking me to do so in a video game? On the rare occasions in which I do play video games, I want to relax and have a good time. No one has a good time playing 3D games. No one.
As for the movie, it was awful having it in 3D. There was no point. Some rocks looked like they came out of the screen during an explosion, but that was it. We could have just seen the normal version and saved $6, which could have allowed me to purchase a large soda. Speaking of which...
I was carrying a half-full bottle of apple juice I bought at Saladworks - remember, I have vowed to drop a tenth of a pound per week until I get to 169 - and I planned to finish it during the movie. A girl working there named Meghann saw this and said, "You can't bring that in here."
I know about the movie-theater beverage rule, but no one has ever cared before. I've smuggled in countless drinks and food items into the movies over the years, including a Subway chicken-parm footlong. I've been fine with it - until Meghann showed up.
I wish Meghann were obese like the Four Fat Ladies so I could make fun of her, but she wasn't. She was actually pretty attractive, meaning she didn't have any bad qualities. This made me more enraged.
Me: It's just apple juice. I wasn't going to buy a soda anyway.
Meghann: Sorry. You can drink it outside, but you can't bring it in.
Me: But I'm on a diet. I just ate Saladworks and I need apple juice to lose a tenth of a pound this week.
Meghann: Umm... what? No, you can't bring that in. You'll have to buy another drink.
Slut. Just because her parents spelled her name wrong doesn't mean that she has to make everyone else's life miserable.
Josh and I still had about 15 minutes to spare, so we walked away. I wasn't going to drink my half bottle of apple juice right there because I'd have to piss a billion times during the movie. Then, it suddenly hit me - we could buy something from the candy vendor in the mall and ask for a plastic bag to conceal my apple juice. I would then ask Josh to carry the plastic bag so it wouldn't look suspicious.
I purchased a bag of sour watermelon gummies and some sort of cashews that Josh wanted, since he only had his debit card. This somehow came out to be $5 - which was more than another drink would have cost at the movies. Still, this was about principle more than anything. That whore Meghann was going down.
As we walked back to the movies, I asked Josh to hold the plastic bag so I wouldn't look suspicious. He then unzipped a rather large pocket in his shorts.
Me: What are you doing?
Josh: I don't feel like carrying this bag, so I'll hide it in my short pocket.
Me: WHAT!? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST OFFER TO PUT MY APPLE JUICE BOTTLE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!?
Josh: I wanted cashews and candy.
Remember what I said about him withholding information so he can get his way? It's a good thing I don't go to the movies with him every week, or I'd be bankrupt.
Prometheus really sucked. Josh and I both agreed on that. The special effects and action sequences were both good, but there were so many plot holes. I won't get into it because I don't want to spoil anything, but so many things didn't make sense. There was a twist ending, but you can just Google it if you don't want to waste money. By the way, there's a funny YouTube video that Josh sent me discussing why Prometheus sucked
Not only was the movie terrible; I also had a headache coming out of the theater because of a combination of the 3D glasses and Josh's admittedly obnoxiously loud noises he made while chewing on his cashews. Worst of all, Meghann wasn't there so I could show off that I smuggled my apple juice into the movies.
But let's pretend she was there. I've constructed three possible scenarios for how this could have gone down:
Me: Hey look, I still have my apple juice! Ha!
Meghann: Way to outsmart me. But let's not forget that your friend made you pay an extra $10 for 3D and candy, and now your head hurts because of those glasses.
Me: Well played, cunning whore.
Me: Hey look, I still have my apple juice! Ha!
Meghann: Wow, that's so hot - you smuggling in apple juice like that to the movies. It's making me so horny. Let's go bang in the janitor's closet.
Me: Yes! Best extra $10 I ever spent.
Me: Hey look, I still have my apple juice! Ha!
Meghann: You fool! You shall now be banished from this establishment until the end of time! Muhahahaha!
Me: Nooooo... oh wait, I don't really care. Now my friend can't con me into spending extra money.
Josh: Wait, what?
Me: You're texting again?
Josh: No, I was listening. You were saying about how I also con you into spending more money.
Me: Wow, you listened? Holy crap.
Josh: Yeah. There's just one thing I don't get though. How did Littlefinger lose his balls?
I think I like Scenario 2 the best - it's the most realistic one, after all.
Ugh, why did Prometheus have to be such a long movie? If it were 30 minutes shorter, I could have banged in the janitor's closet.