Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012
Jerks of the Week for June 25, 2012
JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks at Prometheus
I had nothing planned for last Tuesday night. I was going to buy some Saladworks, watch a few episodes of Justified and then download a few gigabytes of porn. However, my best friend Josh texted me around 5, asking me if I wanted to see Prometheus with him at Neshaminy Mall.
I accepted Josh's invitation even though I don't particularly like going to the movies. I have two reasons:
First, I don't even like movies. Seriously. I seldom watch them. I was playing Kings at Injured Reserve and Man-Eaters' new house a couple Saturdays ago, and one of the categories that came up was "action movies with bad lead actors." I couldn't think of any. It was pathetic - though not as pitiful when I suggested "NFL teams," and one of the guys said, "Uhh... Bulls... Chicago Bulls?" If this were the olden days, they would have cut off his balls right on the spot.
I'm not a fan of movies because they're just 90-150 minutes, and then that's it. TV shows are so much better because there's a new episode every week, allowing us to think about the plot and the characters in the six days in between. Movies just come and go. They may or may not be entertaining, but I feel like it's a waste of approximately two hours because you'll never see the characters ever again. The obvious exceptions are sequels and trilogies, but subsequent editions of movies are usually bad. I nearly had a seizure during the Phantom Menace; whoever conjured up that Jar-Jar Binks character should be transformed into a eunuch as well.
Second, stating the obvious, movie ticket and concession prices are ridiculous. If you have a family of four, tickets will cost about $35 all together; $60 if you're seeing an IMAX or 3D movie. Four popcorns and four sodas run at a combined $32. Factor in gas money, and you're close to $100. Who's willing to pay $100 to go to the movies? I just don't understand this business model. How are movie theaters staying open when HDTVs make it so much more enjoyable to watch something at home? And what bank is willing to give out a loan for a trip to the movies?
Father of Three: Hi, I want five movie tickets, five popcorns and five sodas.
Banker: Let me run your credit score... and... ohh... 590... looks like you've seen a dozen movies this year, sir.
Father of Three: Well yeah, my wife and kids like going to the movies.
Banker: Yeah... well... maybe you can start making double payments on your movie-ticket loans to raise your credit score. I'm sorry sir, I can't give you a loan to see Prometheus.
Father of Three: NOOOOOO!!! THIS MEANS I'LL HAVE TO PLAY SCATTERGORIES WITH MY FAMILY SATURDAY NIGHT AHHHHH!!!
No wonder our economy sucks.
Anyway, I kind of wanted to see Prometheus because it looked cool in the commercials. It reminded me a bit of Battlestar Galactica, one of the best TV shows ever made. So, when I accepted his invitation to the movies, Josh asked me where I wanted to meet him. I insisted on my house this time, unlike the previous occasion in which I had to wait for him at Neshaminy Mall for 45 minutes, only to be blamed for being late. I was shocked when he agreed to drive here. However, this didn't prevent him (and a couple of other people) from pissing me off that night for various reasons.
Josh came by at 7:30. The movie started at 9. He already ate dinner, so he was willing to just wait while I gobbled down my Saladworks. Luckily, there's a Saladworks in Neshaminy Mall, so we didn't have to drive all over the place. As we stood in line, Josh asked me about my dinner choice.
Josh: Why are you getting Saladworst?
Me: I'm trying to lose some weight, maybe like 10 pounds.
It's true. I'm a fat slob, so I need to slim down a bit. My goal is to drop from 179 to 169, losing .1 pounds per week. I'm really taking this seriously. For instance, instead of purchsing a cheese quesadilla and a foot-long meatball-and-cheese hoagie from Wawa on Wednesday, I bought a cheese quesadilla, a 6-inch meatball-and-cheese and a hot dog. It was very difficult, but it was just a sacrifice I needed to make.
Josh: So, what type of Saladworst salads do you get?
Me: Usually the Buffalo Blue Chicken Salad or the Chicken Caesar Salad.
Josh: That's not healthy at all!
Me: It's healthy.
Josh: No it's not. Not at all.
Me: Dude, it's a salad. How can it not be healthy?
Josh: Maybe because of all the crap in those salads?
Me: Stop it. Salads are healthy, and you can't convince me otherwise.
Seriously, Josh was just being a communist about this. Salads equal healthiness. They say so in the commercials. And yes, I will admit that there are healthier salads than the ones I purchase, but the Buffalo Blue Chicken Salad and the Chicken Caesar Salad are still healthy - it's just a matter of how healthy they are; not if.
I'd get the super-healthy stuff, but it's disgusting. No thanks. Instead, I ask for extra salad dressing to make it even more healthy. Josh will feel pretty stupid when I'm looking sharp at 169.
I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone, so my preferred method of communication is texting. Thus, I'm OK when other people have to text when I'm hanging out with them - unless they're completely obnoxious with it.
Josh is a texting fiend. It took me 30 minutes to finish my Buffalo Blue Chicken Salad - I'm a really slow eater - and I swear that he was texting for 25 of those minutes. It wouldn't have been annoying if he actually paid attention to what I was saying, but he was in his own little world. For example, I asked him if he saw the Game of Thrones finale, prompting this one-sided conversation:
Josh: Yeah, I saw it. Pretty good.
Me: I was upset they didn't introduce one character this season. Having him on would have explained why Winterfell burned down at the end.
Me: Yeah, they should have introduced that one character.
Josh: Wait, what?
Me: There was a character they should have introduced.
Me: Don't you mean who?
Me: Dude, stop texting!
Josh: No, no, no, I'm listening. Characters and stuff.
Me: Ugh, you're the worst.
Josh: ... Wait, what, what?
This continued on throughout the half hour. I would try to explain stuff while he was feverishly mashing the buttons on his phone.
Me: Littlefinger is one of the coolest characters in the show and the book.
Josh: Yeah, the eunuch. I like him too.
Me: Littlefinger isn't the eunuch. That's Varys.
Me: It'll be cool once Littlefinger's grand-master plan is revealed. That happens in Book 4.
Josh: Yeah, I like the eunuch.
Me: Littlefinger's not the eunuch.
Josh: Yeah... wait, what did you say?
Me: Varys is the eunuch.
Me: Littlefinger's the guy with the mustache who owns all the whore houses.
Josh: Wait, Littlefinger's the eunuch, right?
Me: NO! STOP TEXTING AND PAYING ATTENTION!
Me: All you're doing is texting non-stop.
Josh: No, I'm paying attention. You said Littlefinger owns the whore houses.
Josh: And Littlefinger also happens to be a eunuch.
It's a shame that Saladworks gives you harmless plastic utensils to eat with; otherwise, I think I would have been tempted to transform Josh into a eunuch at that very moment.
I feel like Josh always screws me over when we go to the movies. When we saw the Hunger Games, he duped me into buying an IMAX ticket. We like to sit toward the front (fourth or fifth row), so the IMAX quality of the movie made my head hurt, since I constantly had to tilt my neck from side to side to see the whole screen. That's why I was quick to decline yet another IMAX experience.
Josh: Let's see the IMAX version.
Me: No. It was terrible last time. Plus it's too expensive.
Josh: Ugh. Fine. One ticket for the 9 p.m. Prometheus.
Cashier: That'll be $15.
Me: Fifteen dollars? What the hell?
Josh: The 3D version costs more.
Me: I don't want to see f***ing 3D! Why didn't you tell me this would be 3D!? I wouldn't have gone if I had known this.
A classic Josh maneuver - he withholds information so that you'll be forced to do something because it'll be too late to decline.
I did not want to see a 3D movie in the slightest. I absolutely hate 3D. I had never seen a 3D movie before because I knew I'd hate it. They make you wear ugly sunglasses that are uncomfortable. And the whole thing is a gimmick anyway. I feel like they cheapen the movies by adding 3D stuff, which takes away from more important qualities like storytelling and nude scenes.
I also hate 3D video games. My friend Caveman posted the following on Facebook recently: "Ubisoft is owning gaming right now. I'm buying about 90% of their games in next 6 months."
My response: "Does Ubisoft have mushrooms and turtles that you can stomp on? No? Then no thank you."
Seriously, I hate Ubisoft. I don't even know which games they produce, but they don't have awesome ones like Mario or Zelda, although I'm starting to hate both franchises because they've begun producing 3D versions. Why the hell would anyone want to play a video game in 3D? I can't even handle 3D in real life, and now they're asking me to do so in a video game? On the rare occasions in which I do play video games, I want to relax and have a good time. No one has a good time playing 3D games. No one.
As for the movie, it was awful having it in 3D. There was no point. Some rocks looked like they came out of the screen during an explosion, but that was it. We could have just seen the normal version and saved $6, which could have allowed me to purchase a large soda. Speaking of which...
I was carrying a half-full bottle of apple juice I bought at Saladworks - remember, I have vowed to drop a tenth of a pound per week until I get to 169 - and I planned to finish it during the movie. A girl working there named Meghann saw this and said, "You can't bring that in here."
I know about the movie-theater beverage rule, but no one has ever cared before. I've smuggled in countless drinks and food items into the movies over the years, including a Subway chicken-parm footlong. I've been fine with it - until Meghann showed up.
I wish Meghann were obese like the Four Fat Ladies so I could make fun of her, but she wasn't. She was actually pretty attractive, meaning she didn't have any bad qualities. This made me more enraged.
Me: It's just apple juice. I wasn't going to buy a soda anyway.
Meghann: Sorry. You can drink it outside, but you can't bring it in.
Me: But I'm on a diet. I just ate Saladworks and I need apple juice to lose a tenth of a pound this week.
Meghann: Umm... what? No, you can't bring that in. You'll have to buy another drink.
Slut. Just because her parents spelled her name wrong doesn't mean that she has to make everyone else's life miserable.
Josh and I still had about 15 minutes to spare, so we walked away. I wasn't going to drink my half bottle of apple juice right there because I'd have to piss a billion times during the movie. Then, it suddenly hit me - we could buy something from the candy vendor in the mall and ask for a plastic bag to conceal my apple juice. I would then ask Josh to carry the plastic bag so it wouldn't look suspicious.
I purchased a bag of sour watermelon gummies and some sort of cashews that Josh wanted, since he only had his debit card. This somehow came out to be $5 - which was more than another drink would have cost at the movies. Still, this was about principle more than anything. That whore Meghann was going down.
As we walked back to the movies, I asked Josh to hold the plastic bag so I wouldn't look suspicious. He then unzipped a rather large pocket in his shorts.
Me: What are you doing?
Josh: I don't feel like carrying this bag, so I'll hide it in my short pocket.
Me: WHAT!? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST OFFER TO PUT MY APPLE JUICE BOTTLE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!?
Josh: I wanted cashews and candy.
Remember what I said about him withholding information so he can get his way? It's a good thing I don't go to the movies with him every week, or I'd be bankrupt.
Prometheus really sucked. Josh and I both agreed on that. The special effects and action sequences were both good, but there were so many plot holes. I won't get into it because I don't want to spoil anything, but so many things didn't make sense. There was a twist ending, but you can just Google it if you don't want to waste money. By the way, there's a funny YouTube video that Josh sent me discussing why Prometheus sucked
Not only was the movie terrible; I also had a headache coming out of the theater because of a combination of the 3D glasses and Josh's admittedly obnoxiously loud noises he made while chewing on his cashews. Worst of all, Meghann wasn't there so I could show off that I smuggled my apple juice into the movies.
But let's pretend she was there. I've constructed three possible scenarios for how this could have gone down:
Me: Hey look, I still have my apple juice! Ha!
Meghann: Way to outsmart me. But let's not forget that your friend made you pay an extra $10 for 3D and candy, and now your head hurts because of those glasses.
Me: Well played, cunning whore.
Me: Hey look, I still have my apple juice! Ha!
Meghann: Wow, that's so hot - you smuggling in apple juice like that to the movies. It's making me so horny. Let's go bang in the janitor's closet.
Me: Yes! Best extra $10 I ever spent.
Me: Hey look, I still have my apple juice! Ha!
Meghann: You fool! You shall now be banished from this establishment until the end of time! Muhahahaha!
Me: Nooooo... oh wait, I don't really care. Now my friend can't con me into spending extra money.
Josh: Wait, what?
Me: You're texting again?
Josh: No, I was listening. You were saying about how I also con you into spending more money.
Me: Wow, you listened? Holy crap.
Josh: Yeah. There's just one thing I don't get though. How did Littlefinger lose his balls?
I think I like Scenario 2 the best - it's the most realistic one, after all.
Ugh, why did Prometheus have to be such a long movie? If it were 30 minutes shorter, I could have banged in the janitor's closet.
More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 20
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 15
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 3
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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