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Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010




Jerks of the Week for July 26, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth)

Anyone who has been reading this Web site for a while knows that I don't break news. I don't see the appeal in breaking news. I just like analyzing the news, picking games, and making fun of fat coaches and illiterate analysts.

However, I learned something Wednesday that I really wanted to share with everyone. Not because I wanted to break the story - but because the guy apparently responsible for the Phillies' 2010 demise is a major scumbag.

I learned the following from a friend of a friend, who happens to work for the Phillies. According to what this guy said, Jayson Werth has been sleeping around with Chase Utley's wife, and Utley found out about it around May. Ever since then, Werth has been awful and Utley, per the source, is currently faking an injury and plans on doing so until Werth is traded.

See, isn't that exciting? Wouldn't you want to post something like that on your Web site? Unfortunately some other site broke this story, so you may have heard about this incident. Jerks.

My friend and former neighbor of mine didn't. I told him what Werth did over lunch Friday, and while this was the first time he heard about Werth allegedly sleeping with Utley's wife, he wasn't surprised to hear the news.

Why wasn't he surprised? Well, this friend/ex-neighbor's friend's girlfriend's friend works at a strip club (strippers are very legitimate sources). She said that Werth comes in there almost every day when the Phillies are playing in town. According to what she told him, Werth allegedly is a major jerk and gropes all of the chicks there. No word yet if he forces money-hungry whores into the bathroom and asks his body guards to keep their friends out.

So to recap, we have my friend's friend, my ex-neighbor's friend's girlfriend's friend (who is a stripper), and some random Web site corroborating on the fact that Werth is a major douche and may have slept with Utley's wife.

Shaky sources, much? If you choose not to believe this, I don't really blame you. I don't even know if I believe it myself.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: B-Ball D-Bag

Back in April, I wrote about someone whom I called B-Ball D-Bag. This guy refused to play basketball with us because he felt like one of the other guys was too physical. Later on, he criticized my friend Josh for not wearing the proper attire during our pick-up basketball games, and then celebrated a victory by yelling, "We f***ing won! We f***ing won! Yeah baby! We f***ing won!"

Well, B-Ball D-Bag has done more stuff to piss me off. I played a few full-court games with him last weekend, and I unfortunately was on his team. B-Ball D-Bag is what you call a "black hole." If you pass the ball to him, you'll never see it again because he'll shoot it, no matter where he is or who's covering him. And during our games, he couldn't hit anything. I'm pretty sure he fired up five straight air balls. But that didn't keep him from shooting non-stop.

Amazingly, he had something to say whenever he didn't attempt a shot on the offensive end. On one occasion, Josh missed a shot in which he had a pretty good open look. This drew the ire of B-Ball D-Bag, who shouted, "You have to take better shots!" Seriously, dude? You air-balled five bricks in a row, and you're yelling at someone else for their shot selection?

He was even worse on the defensive end. We were playing a 2-3 zone, and I was underneath on the right side. I guess B-Ball D-Bag figured my teammate Mitch and I had no idea what a zone defense was, because every time he raced down the court, he'd scream, "Walt, cover the right side! Stay there! Mitch, you got the middle! Stay in the middle!"

Now, if he did this once, I'd just ignore it. But he kept repeating himself. I seriously thought about messing with him by standing right next to him on defense, but that probably would have given him a seizure.

It was all worth it in the end though. Toward the end of our second game, I guess he got so tired that he confused himself on one defensive possession. He looked back and both Mitch and me, and spazzed out, "MITCH!!! WALT!!! MITCH!!! WALT!! MITCH!!! WALT!!! MITCH!!! WALT!!!" The other team laughed at this and began mimicking him, "Walt! Mitch! Walt! Mitch!"

I ran point guard for my team, and eventually I purposely started passing to B-Ball D-Bag as much as possible. I figured it was a win-win - if B-Ball D-Bag actually hit a shot, we'd have a chance to beat the other team. And if he continued to put up bricks, he'd feel bad about his performance afterward. For a guy who goes nuts after winning in pick-up hoops, a loss like this would devastate him. He'd cry, and then I could pull an Eric Cartman and drinks his tears.

Well, he continued to brick his shots. I didn't count, but I think he went 3-of-19 during the game. We lost a close one, and sure enough, he was upset afterward.

"We almost had em, Walt," he told me. "If I woulda hit a few more shots, we woulda won." I thought about replying with, "If you woulda hit any shots," but I was content enough.

Despite B-Ball D-Bag's poor performance, he still felt like he was in a position to critique others:

B-Ball D-Bag: Josh, you need to start practicing your layups.

Josh: Uhh... what?

B-Ball D-Bag: You need to improve your layup skills. You know how you work on your free throws?

Josh: Umm... I don't work on my free throws.

B-Ball D-Bag: Well, you need to take some of the work you put into your free throws and work on your layups.

Josh: OK?

B-Ball D-Bag: If you work on your layups, you'll start to make some layups.

Josh: *Angry glare*

"I can't believe he told me to work on my layups," Josh said to me while we were walking out of the gym. "That guy is such a douche."

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Swim Lesson Brats

Believe it or not, there are other jerks at my gym besides B-Ball D-Bag, fat ladies who want to eat me and old corpses floating around in the pool.

My pool rents out three lanes every Monday and Wednesday night to this middle-aged Russian guy who holds some sort of swim team practice for these 11- and 12-year-old kids. I have no problem with the guy; he lets me keep swimming after the pool shuts down, and once even went out of his way to bring me a jacket I forgot on the pool deck.

My admiration for this man grew a couple of weeks ago. When I walked out to the pool deck, I noticed that he was yelling at the kids. "Get out of zee pool, now!" he shouted, but to no avail; these kids, particularly this one girl, kept splashing and ignoring him. That's when he decided to yank that girl's hair.

"Stop pulling my hair!" she screeched. He let go, and she finally obliged; she and some other fat kid climbed out of the pool and sat down on the bench. I wanted to shake that man's hand for doing this.

** Side note: I personally think we're much worse off as a society now that teachers can't beat their students. Back in the good old days, if someone misbehaved, WHACK! That kid would get smacked by a hard ruler. Now, all these artsy-fartsy new-age hippie parents and government idiots are against this. Coincidentally, crime is up and our education levels are down. I have no numbers to back this claim up, but I don't need any numbers. Numbers are for sissies. **

Later during that practice, the Russian coach timed these kids. Those who didn't break a certain time had to get out of the pool and give him 20 pushups. And he didn't settle for just any pushups - these kids had to go down all the way to the ground and push back up.

The aforementioned fat kid obviously couldn't do this. He went down a little bit, but that didn't work. "One... one... one... one... one..." the coach repeated. It took the fat kid about 10 minutes, but he finally got past one pushup.

I had no idea how bad these kids were until Wednesday. I overheard two of these kids talking about state capitals, and whether or not it was important to memorize them. To settle their argument, they asked me if I knew the state capitals.

Me: I don't think I could name five state capitals, to tell you the truth.

Buck-Toothed Kid: See Melvis, you don't need to know the state capitals!

Melvis? It's like the names Melvin and Elvis had a deformed child. What sort of drugs were Melvis' parents on when they decided on that name? My guess is crack and shrooms with a side of Purple Drank.

By the way, I just Googled "Melvis," and UrbanDictionary.com says that a Melvis is a "Mexican that bares a striking resemblance to Elvis." Wow.

Anyway, back to the conversation...

Melvis: But isn't it good to know the state capitals?

Me: I mean, I guess it doesn't hurt, but you're never going to need to know them unless you're on a game show or something.

Buck-Toothed Kid: See Melvis, this guy's in college and he says you don't need to know state capitals!

Me: Oh, I'm not in college. I've been done with school for a few years now.

Melvis and Buck-Toothed kid then went on a tangent about colleges, and how they planned on attending Harvard or Yale (dream on a-holes). I, on the other hand, recalled all those pointless tests I took in grade school and middle school where I had to memorize the state capitals. What was the point of all that? Like I told Melvis, I can't name five state capitals. I know Harrisburg because I live in Pennsylvania, and I know Sacramento because of the Kings... but that's about it.

Capitals are stupid. The capital of every state should just be the state's name followed by "city." Like the capital of Maryland should be Maryland City, and the capital of West Virginia should be West Virginia City. Then, no one would ever have to memorize stupid state capitals, and no kids named Melvis would have to talk to me about them.

Eventually Melvis left. When I was putting on my shoes, Buck-Toothed Kid annoyed me again by asking me which college I went to...

Me: I went to Penn State. It's not ranked as highly as Harvard or Yale, but it's a lot of fun.

Buck-Toothed Kid: Penn State has good sports.

Me: Damn right.

Buck-Toothed Kid: My brother goes to Pitt. Pitt and Penn State are big football rivals.

Me: Well, they would be if they played each other. They haven't played since 1999 or 2000.

Buck-Toothed Kid: Nah-uh! They play each other every year!

Me: Nah, trust me kid. They haven't played in 10 years.

Buck-Toothed Kid: I remember watching Pitt play Penn State!

OK seriously, this kid has no idea what he's talking about. The last time Pitt played Penn State was the fall of 2000, with the Nittany Lions losing 12-0. I even double-checked to see if I had a brain fart. The last time they played was 2000. Stupid know-it-all buck-toothed idiot.

Me: Look, I know for a fact that they don't play because Joe Paterno refuses to play Pitt because he doesn't like them.

Buck-Toothed Kid: Joe Paterno is old!

Me: Yup - 84 years old and still going strong.

Buck-Toothed Kid: Joe Paterno is a clown!

Me: What? A clown?

Buck-Toothed Kid: Yeah! He's a stupid clown!

This kid seriously deserves to get knocked the f*** out. Damn laws prohibit me from beating him up. Fortunately, I can just ask his coach do that for me.



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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
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Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
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Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




Fantasy Football Rankings - July 22


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


2015 NFL Mock Draft - June 10


NFL Free Agents


NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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