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Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010




Jerks of the Week for May 17, 2010

My sister just graduated from West Chester University's (Pa.) master's program last Monday. While the ceremony itself was an excruciating 75-minute snooze-fest for everyone else, I had some fun gathering material for this installment of Jerks of the Week. If by chance you attended that event and have stumbled upon this column, keep reading because you may have made the cut.

I should note that half of the graduates were announced by an old lady as "Master of Arts, First Name Last Name." I would have given anything for her to say "Master of Arts and Crafts..." Seriously, I would have paid the hag $100 just to hear it announced that way. Sure, the kid with a master's degree in "arts and crafts" would have been traumatized for life, but you can't put a price on awesome humor. (I guess I'm a jerk this week.)


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple

Let me describe the scene first. The graduation took place on West Chester University's basketball court. I'd make fun of this, but Penn State did the same thing when I graduated four years ago. At least I think so - I was still drunk from the night before.

As you may imagine, West Chester's gym is not up to par with Penn State's. Penn State has an actual basketball arena with thousands of seats. West Chester only had really hard, ugly brown bleachers. I'm pretty sure I developed hemorrhoids from sitting on them for 75 minutes.

Not only were the bleachers uncomfortable - I must have squirmed around every 30 seconds because I felt like I was sitting on a hard rock - they were also impossible to navigate. There were no stairs for the audience to move up and down the bleachers, so the people in attendance would just climb over everyone, trying their hardest to avoid stepping on bags, flowers, cell phones, hands, etc. It's a miracle that no one died or had to be sent to the hospital.

Some chose to stand on the side rather than traversing the bleachers. This presumably included two individuals I called the Stuck-Up Couple. These two people, likely around 50 years old, walked into the gym with a disgusted look on their face. Stuck-Up Woman, wearing bright white pearls, stared down her husband and said something that sounded like, "It's very pedestrian in here."

Stuck-Up Woman then glanced at the bleachers with an even more disgusted look. She tried to step over the first row, but suddenly gave up. "I just can't do this," she whined as she placed her foot back on the ground. "I just... I just can't do this."

Stuck-Up Man, proudly boasting an obvious toupee, didn't like the situation either. He turned the bleachers, waved his hand at us, and yelled, "Bahhh!!!! Everybody go home!!!!"

I didn't see the Stuck-Up Couple after that. They probably decided to completely forgo the ceremony, opting instead to drive back to their mansion, eat pheasant for dinner and have stuck-up sexy time, unless, of course, Stuck-Up Woman stopped Stuck-Up Man and said, "I just can't do this. I just... I just can't do this."






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Crazy Bag Lady

Crazy Bag Lady is one of the weirdest people I've ever seen. She was a skinny woman in her 40s or 50s. She had thin brown hair that looked like it hadn't been washed in decades. She wore thick, ugly glasses (think Joe Paterno), and she constantly had a confused look on her face as if she just escaped the mental hospital, and had no idea what she was doing or where she was going.

Before the graduation commenced, Crazy Bag Lady paced around the gym, seemingly unsure of where she was going to sit down. Luckily, she opted to sit right in front of me, allowing me to observe her behavior up close.

For the first half of the ceremony, Crazy Bag Lady couldn't sit still. It may have been the same hemorrhoid problem that was plaguing me, but from what I noticed, it simply looked like she didn't know where she was. She constantly looked around - toward the stage, to the side, behind her - apparently desperate to locate someone she knew. Unfortunately for her, none of her fellow inmates at the mental hospital were able to escape with her.

At the halfway point of the graduation, Crazy Bag Lady seemingly came to the realization that she was not in the right place. However, there was now no room for her to step down from the bleachers because they were so crowded. This did not deter Crazy Bag Lady; instead, she pulled off these crazy ninja maneuvers to get around everyone that would have made Frogger proud.

Now on the ground, Crazy Bag Lady Ninja glanced around again with a befuddled look on her face, and then left the gym.

Was Crazy Bag Lady some former ex-CIA super spy who conveniently lost her mind when she discovered something she shouldn't have? Maybe. We'll find out for sure if I disappear for a while and then resurface as some crazy bearded man who attends random college graduations.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Hot Super Cop

Aside from scanning for jerks and weirdoes, I also kept an eye out for hot chicks. Seeing as how this was at a college, I expected to see a ton of them, and I was not disappointed. One of the hot chicks happened to be a cop/security guard who was working the graduation.

You may be skeptical because the stereotypical cop is some fat dude who eats doughnuts and has to deal with his annoying nerd neighbor who always breaks stuff around his house. But I assure you, this girl was smoking. She was in her mid-to-late 20s. She was semi-tanned and had blond hair that was tied up. A week later, I am still enthralled.

So, why is she a Jerk of the Week? Why didn't I have her arrest me so she could do naughty things to me? Quite simply, because she would have kicked my a**.

I've never seen anyone more serious or in control. This chick was standing by the aisle as the graduates were walking in. She had a super stern look on her face. She cautiously looked around at everyone. She constantly kept her hands near her gun and baton in case of an emergency. I seriously would have felt less safe if Jack Bauer were there. No crimes were going to be committed under her watch (unless Crazy Bag Lady tried to steal Stuck-Up Woman's pearls).

All kidding aside, I have no idea why Hot Super Cop was there. I understand the need for security, but why have her stand right next to the aisle the graduates were walking through? Was there an expected attack on the graduates? Did she think one of the graduates was going to set up us the bomb? There was no reason to have her escort every single graduate to the aisle. She may have been super hot, but she looked out of place.

I blame the U.S. government. When you have someone as awesome as Hot Super Cop at your disposal, you're wasting your resources by having her guard some college graduation. She should be diffusing bombs, finding Osama bin Laden, or at the very least posing for swimsuit calendars.


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 4: Other Random Graduation Jerks

I don't have enough material on these people (what do I mean, these people!?) to create an entire Jerk of the Week entry for them, but they're all worth mentioning:

1. Dorito Lady: These two old ladies decided to sit behind me. One of the ladies nearly tore her ACL trying to climb into her row. I'm not joking. Her foot slipped and made a loud thud. I was shocked that she didn't severely injure herself.

At any rate, her sitting behind me was an unpleasant experience. She smelled like moldy cheese Doritos. It was really disgusting. Clearly, neither she nor Crazy Bag Lady don't believe in taking showers.

2. Aunt Strahanmima: I'm convinced this black lady came to West Chester's graduation straight from shooting an Aunt Jemima commercial. She was wearing this bright blue and gold outfit and matching turban. Upon seeing her, I suddenly had a craving for pancakes.

It wasn't until after the graduation was over that I saw her up close. She was overweight, but more importantly, there was a gaping void between her front teeth that would have made Michael Strahan proud.

I decided to take a picture of her with my cell phone camera, but she turned around just as I snapped the photo. Here's what I came up with:



Look how awesome that turban is. Aren't pancakes awesome? Need pancakes... Need pancakes. Pancakes! Nom nom nom nom nom!!!

3.West Chester Graduation Commercial Break: All graduations are the same. Some old guy talks for a while. Then another old person talks for a while. Then, some middle-aged guy talks for a while. Then, they announce everyone's name, which takes years. And finally, they ask the audience to remain seated while all the graduates walk out, but at that point, no one listens.

During West Chester's graduation, there was something in between Old Person No. 2 and Middle-Aged Guy. For about 10 minutes, nothing happened. There was some music playing in the background, but no one was doing anything. It was pretty strange and a complete waste of time.

Was this some sort of commercial break? Did Old Person No. 2 need a change of diapers? Did Hot Super Cop ask the college president to stop the ceremony because she noticed that her nemesis, Crazy Bag Lady was in attendance? I'm not sure, and I didn't really care. At that point I was just pissed that Aunt Strahanmima wasn't bringing me any pancakes.



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Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
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Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
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Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
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Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 22


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 22


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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