JERK OF THE WEEK: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
I was invited to my friend Jess' graduation party on June 8. Jess is the sister of Body Burner's girlfriend Jamie, whose graduation party I went to two years ago. I had an incredibly fun time and managed to compile a lengthy Jerks of the Week entry about it. If you're too lazy to click the link, here are some of the highlights that I'll once again be touching on in this column:
When I first arrived at Jamie's party, I heard some weird noise coming from her backyard. It sounded like some animal had its leg run over by a tractor. I just assumed that someone was already drunk out of his or her mind and decided that it would be a good idea to make dying animal noises.
I would later learn, however, that Jamie's family has a pet pig. Or at least that's what I was told. Everyone told me that she had a pig, but I never saw it. It's like that old saying - if someone has a pig, but no one is there to see it, do they really have a pig? What, you've never heard of that saying before?
Jaime and Jess have since told me amusing stories about how their dad feeds bacon to this pig. I approve of this. Everyone seems to despise cannibalism, but I think it can actually be quite healthy. The nut jobs who disapprove of this obviously have some financial incentive to tell you that it's a bad thing to do.
I still haven't seen the pig, by the way. I made it one of my goals going into the party, but as you'll soon find out, I was way too distracted to worry about seeing Jamie and Jess' cannibal pig.
I had major issues getting into Jamie's house at one point. I was carrying a plate of food and a cup of beer. As I walked toward her front door, one of her dogs started following me.
Holding the cup between my arm and my chest, I was able to open the screen door to let the dog in. However, her screen door closed really quickly, and I didn't have any free hands to catch it, so it slammed right on my foot.
I didn't think about the screen door for the past two years, but I when I saw it, I instantly remembered the damage it had done. I was like some sort of assault victim; I blocked everything out until I confronted my attacker.
The screen door wasn't getting me this time. I made sure I held it open long enough for all of my limbs to be in and out of the house. I managed to survive the party completely unscathed. I overcame my fears, so I feel like I grew as a person that weekend.
At one point during the night, Injured Reserve and I ran out of beer, so we went to the keg. The keg was parked next to a table of older people. As Injured Reserve and I were filling beer into our cups, we suddenly heard some woman yell the following:
"That's my mom you're talking about, you lying sack of s**t!!!!"
It was so random because it came out of nowhere. We spent the rest of the night random shouting, "That's my mom you're talking about, you lying sack of s**t!!!!"
When I first arrived at the party - I had to park around the corner in some shady parking lot because Jess and Jamie live on a one-way street, and I don't know how to parallel park - I quickly ran to the kitchen. I dumped tons of pasta, pork and potatoes onto my plate and went back outside to sit with my friends. They looked at me and laughed. I gave them a two-word response: "Man Feast."
I scarfed food into my mouth as if I hadn't eaten in months. My friends Glimmer and Marlana tried to get my attention.
Marlana: Walt, look!
Me: NO, ME EAT MAN FEAST NOM NOM NOM!!!
Glimmer: No, Walt, look, it's the woman who said, "That's my mom you're talking about, you lying sack of s***!"
I stopped piling food into my mouth, but only for a second. I wanted to see what this woman looked like because I only heard her words last time. She turned out to be a pretty large lady with pink hair. You know? That's exactly how I imagined her.
I was eating great food and getting drunk, but I was pretty agitated at the beginning of the party. The source of this was all of the little kids running around. Now, I normally don't care if little kids are causing a raucous by jumping and pooping on things, but I was frustrated that I couldn't talk to some of my friends. They were too busy playing with these kids, which angered me greatly.
The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was when I saw a particular girl carrying around a child. This girl, a blonde wearing a long orange-ish dress and sunglasses on top of her head, was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. I creepily stared at her, and I feel like she creepily stared at me back. She had that kid with her though, so nothing was going to happen there.
I expressed my frustration to Marlana, who despises kids despite being a teacher.
Me: I HATE KIDS!
Marlana: Why do you hate kids, Walter?
Me: BECAUSE THEY GET SO MUCH ATTENTION!
Marlana: Are you jealous that people aren't paying attention to you, Walter?
Me: Well, here's the thing - I don't mind if other people get attention as long as they deserve it. I don't think kids deserve any attention though. Like, what have kids ever done? These kids have accomplished nothing in their lives, so why do people pay so much attention to them?
Other people joined in on the conversation, and I was eventually asked if I still wanted kids, since I previously wrote that it was my desire to raise five kids (at least three boys). I've since changed my stance.
Me: Well, I'm fine with only three kids now, as long as two are boys.
Glimmer: But you apparently hate kids.
Me: I just hate the attention that kids get. I have no problem with them as long as no one associates with them at all.
Marlana: Won't you have to pay attention to them when you're raising them?
Me: No. I'll hire a nanny. Maybe two. I just want kids for heirs, so I can have the wife, the nanny and whatever matrons I find to raise them.
The more I kept drinking, the more I continued to rant.
Me: I DUNNN EVENN WANNNN SEEE MYY KIIDDSSS TILLL I'MMM 18.
Marlana: Until you're 18? You mean until they're 18?
Me: OK FFINNNEE TILLL THEY'RREE 16.
Glimmer: But won't these kids need a male role model in their lives?
Me: NOOOOO!! LOOK ROOBBERT BBARRAATHOONN. HEESSSS WAASSS A GREATT FATTHHURR AND HEE NEVERRR TALLLKKEDD TOOO HISSS KIIDDDS.
Marlana: Oh, Robert Baratheon? Yeah, he was a great dad. Just look how Joffrey turned out.
It's true. I mean, if you have four kids, and only one of them turns out to be deranged lunatic, I'd say that you've done a good job as a parent.
Jess and Jamie have some interesting cousins, to put it nicely. Wait, I don't want to put it nicely. They have some complete white trash cousins who "should not be spreading their DNA everywhere," as Body Burner said afterward.
I'd like to give you a background story on two of these white trash people. One was a 29-year-old woman who had a tiny infant with her. She actually seemed pretty normal at first glance, but this was her third kid with a third different guy. She had two children when she got knocked up by a 19-year-old guy she slept with. She now lives with that 19-year-old, his best friend - and his current girlfriend. As you can imagine, she and the girlfriend don't get along too well. In fact, the girlfriend threatens to beat her up on a daily basis.
As if this story couldn't get any worse, this third baby is both deaf and blind. The mom, who called the baby "f***ing useless" at one point during the night, was so shocked that her child turned out this way. "I don't smoke or drink too much, and look at what happened to him!" she exclaimed. I wish Body Burner would've said this to her face because he said this after the party, "When you mix s*** DNA with s*** DNA, you get a s*** baby."
Speaking of Body Burner, he was holding the baby for quite a while. As he explained afterward, he felt sorry for him and wanted him to feel a normal person holding him for once in his life. The mom was so shocked that the baby didn't cry in Body Burner's arms. "He never is peaceful and quiet like that when any other guy holds him," she said. I almost wanted to answer, "That's because all of the guys you know have missing teeth."
Body Burner had a better quip afterward: "That baby was so calm with me because he could smell the monthly paychecks."
The second white trash I'd like to discuss was the cousin of this 29-year-old mother. He also had missing teeth and got to talking to Body Burner for a while. I didn't hear what they were saying, but Body Burner abruptly ended the conversation. He went over to me and Jamie, said that he couldn't be here anymore and bolted out of the party. He later recounted the conversation he had with this white trash, and it went something like this:
White Trash Mom's Cousin: Yo man, I'm tryin to go to da strip club.
Body Burner: OK.
White Trash Mom's Cousin: You tryin' to drive me to da strip club?
Body Burner: Why would I drive you to the strip club?
White Trash Mom's Cousin: I got a lotta DUIs, so I can't drive no more.
Body Burner: That sucks, but I'm not going to leave my girlfriend's sister's party to go to a strip club.
White Trash Mom's Cousin: Yo man, all you gotta do is drive me, you ain't gotta go in or notin'.
Body Burner: I'm not driving you to the strip club.
White Trash Mom's Cousin: Come on man, first lap dance on me haha, but I gotta borrow cash first.
Body Burner: No.
White Trash Mom's Cousin: Why you gotta be like dat, all I'm tryin' to do is go to da strip club.
Body Burner: So, get someone else to drive you.
White Trash Mom's Cousin: Come on, just go to da strip club with me. Or jus drive me. Can I borrow like 20 bucks?
Body Burner said that White Trash Mom's Cousin wouldn't stop harassing him, so he had to get out of there before he punched him in the face. Meanwhile, I managed to talk to the aforementioned super-hot girl in the long dress. We had a good conversation going and she seemed to be into me. Unlike the other people I didn't know at this party, she appeared to be normal. She was an accountant, though she was laid off a couple of months ago. Best of all, the kid she was carrying around before wasn't hers; she just was watching someone else's child for an hour.
It all went downhill, however, when I asked whom she knew at this party.
Super-Hot Blonde: You know the girl with the blind baby?
Super-Hot Blonde: I'm dating her brother.
I nearly spat out my drink all over her dress. What!? How could a seemingly normal girl like her be dating one of the white trash brigade?
She pointed him out to me. He was another gentleman with some missing teeth. He had buzzed, black hair and black circular earrings on both lobes - a common accessory for people in the white-trash community.
I was pretty taken aback by this, but I still kept talking to her. My drunken plan was to convince her that she could do better than white trash. I forget what we were discussing, but her boyfriend interrupted us:
White Trash Mom's Brother: Yo gurl, pull up dat dang shirt!
Super-Hot Blonde: What?
White Trash Mom's Brother: Dat shirt, too dang on low, gurl, pull that dang shirt up!
I mean, he was right - her dress shirt dropped down and a good amount of her cleavage was hanging out. I wasn't complaining at all, but he apparently was. Super-Hot Blonde reacted by pulling up her shirt. And just like that, there was no more cleavage.
I was drunkenly appalled by this at the moment - what kind of POS boyfriend commands his girlfriend to do something about her clothes? - but looking back at it, I'm not surprised in the slightest. Women tend to be complete fools when it comes to guys. They just don't know a good thing when they see it. They'll leave a positive situation for no logical reason and constantly fall into the same traps over and over again, quite possibly because of a lack of self-esteem, which is usually completely inexplicable.
Women also tend to do really dumb things when drunk, which brings me to my next chapter...
One of Jamie's friends - who shall remain nameless - is also a mother. Unlike White Trash Mom, she's a normal, intelligent person - when sober, at least.
I just finished talking to Super-Hot Blonde - right after the ridiculous dress shirt incident - and I stood up. I didn't know whether to get another drink or go home. That's when I felt this wet substance hit my arm.
I turned around and saw Drunken Mom spraying me with some sort of lotion.
There were giant mosquitos in Jess and Jamie's yard that bit me a few times despite my best attempts to ward them off by rubbing vanilla extract all over my body. However, I had major doubts about there being any mosquitos flying around this late at night.
I tried to get Drunken Mom to stop spraying me, but she was on a mission. It seemed like her entire goal in life was to cover me in this sun tan lotion. She made me smell myself afterward - it wasn't too terrible of an odor - and she continuously harped about how the lotion reminded her of driving down to the beach with her family when she was a little girl. However, as she did this, she was getting a little too touchy-feely. Jess saw this and said, "I think Walt was trying to leave."
Drunken Mom wouldn't have any of it. She pulled me aside and had a very interesting final conversation with me.
Wow. I did not know how to react. She kept rubbing my arms and even leaned into kiss me. Fortunately, Jess came to the rescue and began what would be a 5-minute process of pulling her away from me and into the house.
As this was all going on, Super-Hot Blonde and her white-trash crew left. She turned to me to say goodbye, but saw that Drunken Mom was hanging all over me. She had a disappointed look on her face and then walked away.
So, even though I had a good time, nothing "fun" happened that night. I guess it's for the best. Had I hooked up with Super-Hot Blonde, her white-trash brigade would have undoubtedly restrained me as her boyfriend knocked my teeth out. I'd look like a member of the white trash brigade as a result. Perhaps this would allow me to spread some s*** DNA around. I've always wanted to do that - just as long as I don't see my s*** kids until they're 16 or 18.