Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013
Jerks of the Week for Jan. 21, 2013
JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Before last Friday, I assumed the state of Delaware was comprised of nothing more than a bridge, a college with a 5-to-1 girl-to-guy ratio and a bunch of empty buildings that were just there to serve as tax shelters for corporations.
I crossed into Delaware that Friday evening, and I was amazed. There was way more than a bridge, a college full of drunken chicks and some buildings. There were all sorts of wonders. For instance, I immediately saw a Sunoco gas station. Right after that, there was a Methodist church. Then, there was a Boston Market***, a restaurant I'm a huge fan of. And then, another gas station - this time, a BP!
***Side note: You might be thinking, "So, you saw a Boston Market - big whoop." No, it is a big whoop. The closest Boston Market to my house is like 15 minutes away. That's simply too far because I don't like driving anywhere. This makes me sad because Boston Market is a wonderful place with all sorts of yummy food. It's so good that I forgave them for changing their name from Boston Chicken to Boston Market - though I did hold a grudge for many years.
Delaware also has a hotel called the Waterfall, which is where my cousin Polina got married. The name of this hotel was very appropriate that night, as there was a downpour. I parked my car and ran inside by myself - my girlfriend couldn't make it, unfortunately - but I was so drenched when I entered the building that it looked like I crawled out of the ocean. Nearly everyone I saw commented, "A little wet there, buddy?" or "Wow, you're soaked" or "Hey, your suit is wet."
This annoyed me for some reason. It's like, yeah, it's freaking raining outside and there's no valet parking. So, of course I'm wet. I don't know. Maybe I was grumpy because all I had to eat all day was cereal, a Pop Tart, a cheese sandwich, a bag of barbeque chips, two oranges, an apple, two bananas, a chocolate bar, a slice of frozen pizza, two Oreos and a bag of Skittles. I tend to get very agitated when I barely eat anything.
I was also very annoyed because I couldn't find the bathroom. No one knew where it was. I asked my friends first, but they had no clue. I then approached the Asian coat lady, and all she had to say was, "Go twue door, go twue door." I went "twue" the door she pointed to, but there was no bathroom.
I eventually found the bathroom after wandering around for five minutes. I went back to where I came from and saw that everyone was already seated, so I went to the empty chair next to my friend Body Burner.
The ceremony was great. It was sweet and very short, which is a good thing because sitting still in anticipation of eating and drinking is agonizing. They even played Disney music, which put me in a happy mood. Hearing the crab from Little Mermaid sing Kiss the Girl is perfect for a wedding. Not that there's anything wrong with a guy liking that song.
My only issue with the ceremony is that Polina's brother Lev, who was listed in the program as a bridesmaid for some strange reason, didn't walk down the aisle with a groomsman. Lev deemed this too heterosexually challenged, and while he was right, it would have been amusing to see two men walk together with their arms locked.
I was delighted to see that there was a table full of cheese cubes, Italian meats I can't spell correctly and bread in the hotel lobby following the ceremony. I stuffed myself with so many cheese cubes that I felt sick. I then ate some more. After that, I figured it was a good time to start drinking. Per Body Burner's suggestion, I asked the bartender for a Manhattan. Several alcoholic beverages later, I found plenty of jerks to write about...
1. Byron Leftwich
For those of you who don't know much about football, Byron Leftwich is a backup quarterback on the Pittsburgh Steelers. You can see what he looks like here.
So, why is Leftwich a Jerk of My Cousin's Wedding? Because he was one of the servers there. No, I'm not kidding. The server who brought Caesar salad to my table was a tall, chubby black guy with a round face and a noticeable limp (or perhaps I was just drunk and imagined that last part). I wasn't the only one who observed the resemblance. Several people commented on it. Body Burner even said, "I actually think that's Byron Leftwich."
I normally would just make a brief comment about this, but Leftwich was my nemesis throughout the night. It all started as I was finishing up my delicious Caesar salad. I still had a fork in my hand, when Leftwich came to the table and reached for my salad to take it away. I freaked out.
"NO, I'M NOT DONE MY DAMN SALAD YET!!!" I shrieked.
Everyone who heard this laughed. My friend Man-Eaters, one of the bridesmaids who recently got married herself, nearly spit out her drink. Leftwich, completely taken aback, almost tripped over his feet as he walked away from the table. I complained about this to Man-Eaters, and as you'll be able to tell by the conversation, I had one too many to drink already.
Me: I can't believe that a**hole tried to take my salad away when I clearly wasn't finished!
Man-Eaters: You have like four pieces of lettuce left!
Me: Umm... no, there are eight pieces of lettuce on my plate, as well as two croutons!
Man-Eaters: OK, those eight pieces are super small, so it's like four, and those croutons are tiny specks. I can't believe you yelled at the poor server like that.
Me: Well, maybe next time Byron Leftwich will know not to take my salad away!
Man-Eaters: Byron Leftwich?
Me: Yeah, he's Byron Leftwich. He lost against the Ravens this year, and now he's trying to steal salads!
Man-Eaters: He's not Byron Leftwich. OK, maybe it looks like him, but he's not Byron Leftwich.
Me: I disagree. That's clearly Byron Leftwich. The season's over, so he needs a second job, so he took this job to steal salads, and he's going to be in Jerks of the Week for trying to steal my salad!
Man-Eaters: He's not Byron Leftwich. The real Byron Leftwich is in his 30s, I think? That guy is not a day over 25.
Me: Well, let's ask his age. If he says he's 32 or 33, we'll know it's Byron Leftwich. If he says 22 or 23, we'll pull out a smartphone and show him his NFL.com page so that we catch him in a lie.
Man-Eaters didn't think this was a good idea. In fact, she said it was flat-out mean, and that by doing so, I'd be the real jerk in this story. Man-Eaters also said that I'm the actual jerk in 95 percent of my entries.
I don't understand this. How can I be a jerk? So, I didn't help up an old lady who fell a few weeks ago. Does this make me a bad person? Like, who's worse, a guy who doesn't assist an old woman or a backup NFL quarterback who steals salads? That's a rhetorical question; don't answer it.
I noted earlier that Leftwich was my nemesis throughout the night. When he brought out the main course, he gave Man-Eaters her dinner and then put down another plate where my friend Val was sitting. He then went around the table, giving everyone their dinner before doing so for me even though there were several empty seats at the table. He finally put my chicken down on the table while giving me an evil glare.
I was perplexed by my dinner. It looked like this (I apologize for the camera on my phone sucking):
I understood that there was a chicken and some potatoes on my plate, but there were some things I wasn't familiar with. I asked Man-Eaters for her assistance.
Me: I need help identifying some of the things on this plate.
Man-Eaters: Why am I not surprised?
Me: What's this yellow thing on the chicken?
Man-Eaters: It's cheese.
Me: Oh, I like cheese. It's healthy. What's this orange line?
Man-Eaters: That's a carrot.
Me: OK, and this green flower thing? Is it broccoli?
Me: Broccoli is terrible. It's disgusting and unhealthy. Now, this brown sauce surrounding the chicken... what is it?
Man-Eaters: Some sort of gravy. Try it. It's good.
Me: OK, and one more question.
Man-Eaters: Only one?
Me: The green thing on top of the chicken... is that broccoli too?
Man-Eaters: No, it's asparagus. Try it, you'll love it!
I took Man-Eaters' advice - and it was very good! The chicken and cheese were awesome, as expected, but this mysterious vegetable added a positive quality to it - which shocked me because green things usually don't taste good.
As I was eating my chicken, I got to thinking - where did this strange vegetable come from? How could one purchase such a strange thing?
Me: Where can I buy this exparagus thing?
Man-Eaters: It's asparagus; not exparagus. And what do you mean where can you buy it?
Me: Like can you buy it in the store?
Man-Eaters: Yeah. You know how you can go into a supermarket and there's a cold section?
Me: Oh, yeah! Like where they have the milk and the cheese and the orange juice.
Man-Eaters: Umm... no. The section with the healthy stuff?
Me: Milk, cheese and orange juice sound healthy to me. I was just at the supermarket on Wednesday and...
Man-Eaters: Hey Val, did you hear that? Walt was at the supermarket on Wednesday!
Val: Wow! I can't believe it!
Man-Eaters: OK, go on Walt.
Me: I bought healthy stuff on Wednesday like milk, cheese, orange juice, Oreos and Cocoa Pebbles.
Man-Eaters: Only one thing you mentioned there is healthy.
Me: Cocoa Pebbles?
Man-Eaters: No! Orange juice! How are Cocoa Pebbles possibly healthy?
Me: Fred Flintstone is on the box!
Man-Eaters nearly spit out her drink again. She countered with the point that Fred Flintstone being on a box actually meant that it was unhealthy, since cavemen usually lived until they were only 40 years old.
This made me quite sad. I've been eating Cocoa Pebbles almost every morning for the past two years, thinking it was both nutritious and delicious. And now I learn that Cocoa Pebbles aren't good for you. But what about exparagus?
Me: Is exparagus good for you?
Man-Eaters: It's asparagus. And yes, but I wouldn't recommend buying it in the winter because it's expensive.
Me: Really? How much does it cost, like 10 bucks?
Man-Eaters: No, you'd probably have to pay $3 for 25 of them this time of year.
Twenty-five exparaguses? Why would anyone purchase 25 exparaguses? I'd think one or two would be enough.
3. Cake Thieves
I have no idea how Man-Eaters and I transitioned from discussing exparaguses to Game of Thrones, but I revealed my theory to her about how the Game of Thrones universe can possibly exist.
Me: Look, they can genetically engineer stuff now, right? So why can't they genetically engineer dragons?
Man-Eaters: Out of what? Birds?
Me: I'm not a scientist, so I don't know, but I feel like they could somehow genetically engineer dragons.
Man-Eaters: OK, let's assume that you're right. How would that mean the Game of Thrones universe exist?
Me: Well, they could take the dragons, put them on a spaceship and then fly to a planet and...
Man-Eaters: A planet?
Me: Yeah, a planet.
Man-Eaters: A planet? What planet?
Me: A planet currently set in medieval times right now.
Man-Eaters: Where are they going to find a planet with people, let alone one that's in the medieval ages?
Me: I don't know. Well, it doesn't have to be a planet. It can be a moon too.
Man-Eaters: Oh, a moon!
Me: Yeah, so they fly to this planet or moon, find a crazy blonde woman who feels like she deserves to be queen and put the dragons on her doorstep. Boom! Game of Thrones universe!
I feel like Man-Eaters would have just got up and left upon hearing my nonsensical ideas, but she had five rum and Cokes and two Long Island Iced Teas. She was pretty gone.
I was about to mention my Game of Thrones theory to my cousin Steve, who was sitting across the table, when Byron Leftwich brought over two pieces of cake to me and Man-Eaters.
Me: What's this white and black stuff in the middle?
Man-Eaters: That's Oreo filling.
Me: OREO FILLING HOLY CRAP OREO FILLING NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
The Oreo cake was one of the best things I've ever eaten in my life - and that's saying a lot because I consider myself a bit of a food connoisseur.
I finished the Oreo cake rather quickly. Too quickly. I spied another piece where Val was sitting. She was off dancing or something, but Man-Eaters noticed what I was looking at and had similar ideas.
Man-Eaters: Let's steal it and split it.
Man-Eaters reached for Val's piece of Oreo cake, and we split it, though she took most of the Oreo filling for herself, which angered me.
Me: THAT'S NOT FAIR! YOU HAD ALL OF THE OREO FILLING!
Man-Eaters: So, we'll just steal another piece of cake.
And that we did. We took another piece from across the table. I gobbled it down quickly, but I still wanted more.
Me: This sucks. There's no more cake to steal at this table.
Man-Eaters: Look! Look at the next table! It's a goldmine!
Sure enough, there were several pieces of cake sitting on the table, uneaten because people were dancing. Those fools.
Man-Eaters: Let's steal them!
Me: How though? People will see.
Man-Eaters: I'll distract. You steal.
Man-Eaters approached some of the people sitting at the table and hugged them. She then took some pictures with them, making sure they were facing away from the pieces of cake. I sneaked over, nabbed the cake and brought it back to our table. My cousin Steve was the only one who saw this.
Steve: Walt, what are you doing?
Me: I SWEAR, I DID NOT STEAL THIS CAKE!
Steve: I just saw you take it from that table.
Me: NO, IT WAS MINE! I CARRIED IT OVER, I SWEAR! I DID NOT STEAL THIS CAKE!
Man-Eaters came back from taking pictures and noticed that I was in a pickle.
Man-Eaters: WE DID NOT STEAL THIS CAKE, STEVE!
Me: YEAH, WHY WOULD I EVER STEAL CAKE!?
Steve: OK, I'm sorry for accusing you.
Me: DUDE, I SWEAR I DIDN'T STEAL THIS CAKE!
Man-Eaters: I DIDN'T DISTRACT ANYONE SO IT COULD BE STOLEN EITHER!
We stuffed the delicious Oreo cake into our mouths. It was glorious. But when we were finished, it still wasn't enough. Man-Eaters and I decided to stroll around the room in search of stray pieces of cake. Unfortunately, most of the people already ate theirs. How completely selfish of them.
The rest of the night was a blur. I recall vehemently defending my cake-stealing activities to both Polina and Body Burner. I also remember one final conversation with Man-Eaters that night just as I was about to leave.
Man-Eaters: See what I mean? You're gonna go home and write about this story for Jerks of the Week, yet you, I mean we, are going to be the jerks.
Man-Eaters: We stole people's cake and then walked around looking for more cake!
Me: But... but... it had Oreo filling.
So, am I a jerk for eating approximately six pieces of Oreo cake that didn't belong to me? If so, then I'll volunteer to be a jerk every single week - because that cake was awesome. My only regret is that I didn't steal more pieces.
More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 24
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 22
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 21
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
2 5 9