JERK OF THE WEEK: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
It's almost election time. That only means one thing - half the people on Facebook are posting political crap like, "OMG OMG O'BAMA SPEND TO MUCH MONEE AND PUTTING US IN DETT!!!" or "OMG OMG ROMNEE IS GREADY AND WONT MAEK RICH PPL PAY TEXAS!!!" while the other half are going, "Jeezth Chrith if I like see like one more political post I'm gunna like cancel my Face Book account and sthuff!"
Me? I'm just spamming links to my Web site, as usual, trying desperately to increase my page views. I just don't give a damn about engaging in political debates because most people have their beliefs set in stone, and no amount of logic will ever sway them. It also doesn't help that nearly half of the population is clueless - for evidence, check out a study that says 45 percent of the public thinks Joe Paterno molested the kids at Penn State. So, trying to prove points to someone who is probably both clueless and stubborn is a futile process.
I do, however, want to discuss some laws that need to be implemented as quickly as possible. No, I'm not going to delve into whether or not there should be gay marriage*, whether or not there should be abortions**, and whether or not Rosie O'Donnell should be continue running her human feeding farms***. All of those debates have been discussed ad nauseum. What I want to do is suggest 10 new laws that will fix the socioeconomic crisis that the United States of America is currently battling. These 10 laws will revolutionize this country and put an end to all the suffering that the most recent recession has caused.
*Side note A: If you're wondering about my stance on gay marriage, I'm all for it - and you should be too if you're a straight man. Think about it. If two dudes marry each other, that means there will be more women for the rest of us straight men, since these gay guys won't have to fake-marry women. What sort of straight man wouldn't want that? By that logic, only gay men would be opposed to gay marriage. If only those jerks would be more open-minded.
**Side note B: If you're wondering about my stance on abortions, well, it's a tough subject, but ultimately, I've decided that I'm against it for one reason. In about 20-25 years, when all of the Baby Boomers are gone, there will be a major decrease in the population of this country. As crazy as it sounds right now, there won't be enough workers, so we'll have to open up the border to Mexicans. Now, I have nothing against Mexicans, but I do have something against genuine Mexican restaurants like Las Margaritas. If there are more Mexicans in this country, there will be more Las Margaritas and fewer fake Mexican joints like Taco Bell. I love Taco Bell, and anyone who wants to take them away from me is an a**hole. So, we need to stop abortions so that we have more domestic workers in 20 years, and as a consequence, more Taco Bells.
***Side note C: If you're wondering about my stance on Rosie O'Donnell human feeding arms, I don't understand why 45 percent of the people in this country think it's OK for Overlord O'Donnell to do this. I mean, call me crazy, but I don't think it's cool if she captures people, fattens them up, tosses them into her giant oven and then gobbles them up when they're well cooked. Yes, yes, the pursuit of happiness is one of the American adages, but how would you feel if you were one of those locked up in Overlord O'Donnell's cells? I think you'd be changing your tune pretty quickly, tune-changer.
So, what are my 10 fantastic laws? Well, I first got the idea for this when I had a horrible experience at my new gym, but let's begin with something more visual:
When forum member Hunter posted this, it made me extremely happy because I thought the blond cheerleader was rubbing one out for the mascot. Then, I came to the horrifying realization that her right hand was going up; not down, which clearly forced the mascot to take care of business himself.
This made me think - wouldn't the world be a better place if hot cheerleaders walked around and randomly fondled men's junk? Every single heterosexual male would have a much brighter outlook on life. I really see no downside to this.
2. Speaking of hot women, it recently came to my attention that some guy named Rick Santorum was on a crusade to put an end to porn. I immediately thought, "Wow this guy must not know any good Web sites that'll give him excellent porn without endangering his computer with a virus."
I discussed this with my editor, Ryan, and he pointed out that he's seen anti-porn ribbons on cars - like this, for example:
Protect our children from porn? What the hell does that mean? How are kids threatened in any way by porn? I watched porn for the first time when was 12 years old. I'll never forget that glorious night. A bunch of us were at our buddy Stein's house for a birthday sleepover, and he, for some reason, had all types of porno channels on his cable box. We turned on one of the channels and watched Star Trek: The Making of the Next Generation.
It was an incredible experience. There we were, a dozen dudes, ages 12 or 13, watching porn together. Not that there's anything wrong with that. No really, there's not. All of us turned out fine. None of us became serial killers or rapists because we watched porn as kids.
So, it should be extremely obvious that we need more porn; not less porn. This really makes me want to create pro-porn ribbons, but meh, I'm too lazy.
3. Look at what I found when I Googled "stop porn:"
This law is a fairly obvious one - whoever made this sign should be executed.
4. I don't think I'm making any startling revelations that we have a food problem around the world. Something really must be done about it.
If you're very ignorant and don't know what I'm talking about, well, just drive down a busy road and look at all of the fast-food restaurants - McDonald's, Taco Bell, KFC, Pizza Hut, etc. All of these amazing restaurants have delicious foods, but they all happen to be unhealthy, which is obviously a major bummer.
The government needs to stop worrying about hungry kids in third-world countries like Africa, South America and Camden, N.J. It's very selfish that they're getting all of the attention. Instead, they need to focus on making yummy food extremely healthy.
Imagine going into a KFC, buying six fried drumsticks and bolstering your body with important nutrients. I can't imagine anything better. Even hot, molesting cheerleaders pale in comparison.
5. One of the worst days of the year is coming up in about a month - the end of daylight savings time. Yes, we get an extra hour of sleep, but we have to move our clocks back, which means it'll get dark around 4:30 in December. And ultimately, we'll lose that hour of sleep in March anyway, so what does it matter?
I think we can all agree that we need to have daylight savings time all year round. It should never get dark before 5:30. It's depressing. Hard-working Americans need some sunlight after they're finished work at 5. It's bogus that they have to labor all day, and then it's suddenly night time when they leave the office, factory, public facility, etc.
I've tweeted at Barack Obama to coax him to keep daylight savings time the entire year, but he never responded. I thought about voting for this Matt Romney character because Obama never answered, but then it dawned on me that I could just run for U.S. President myself.
And that brings us full circle because I initially came across my idea for these new laws during the aforementioned trip to the gym. It was a dark and stormy Tuesday afternoon...
6. Like everyone else, I hate driving in the rain because it's slippery and stuff. Plus, you can't have the windows open.
It was pouring when I pulled up to the gym. I drove across the front entrance to gain access to the parking lot when a figure walked into the road. I slammed my brakes and nearly skidded into the sidewalk. I came THIS close to hitting the figure, but thank God I didn't, or something disastrous might have happened, like my car insurance skyrocketing. The horror.
The figure was a woman in her late 50s who smiled at me. I nearly ended her life, so I don't understand why she was so happy. I also didn't get where she was coming from. The only thing behind her was a large bush.
What was she doing in the bush? Peeing there? Having sex there? Plotting to destroy the world in there? Whatever it is, women who dwell in bushes must post a sign for oncoming traffic. I don't want my car insurance payments to increase.
7. The Girl with the Arm Tattoo wasn't working the front desk, so no one tried to roofie me on my way uneventful, but pleasant trip to the locker room.
There were two other people in there - a pair of kids of about 12-13 years old. I was just getting changed, minding my own business, when I heard one of the kids, a tall, pimply nerd sporting an afro and braces say something like, "that guy" and then they both looked in my direction and laughed with each other.
What the hell? Did I have a booger on my face? Dandruff on my shoulders? A chocolate stain on my shirt? No, no and no - I checked - so I don't know why they were making fun of me.
I wanted to take action. I've been losing weight recently, so I'm in tip-top shape - better than most players in the NFL, I'd say. I could have taken those kids on. I could have beaten them up.
But I didn't. Why? Because I would have been arrested for assaulting minors. I think that's bulls***. If a pimply nerd kid with an afro disrespects me, he should pay the price. All of this assaulting-minors crap is just bureaucracy anyway, much like complicated tax and health-care codes. Everything would be so much simpler if we had the same rules for everyone.
8. I walked out of the locker room and approached the life guard stand to get a look at what the water temperature was. My jaw dropped upon seeing that it was 78 degrees in the pool. Ugh.
There's nothing worse than jumping into a cold pool. Like, 80-81 is bad enough, but at least I can warm up eventually and complete my mile. There's no warming up from 78.
I voiced my complaints to the lifeguard, a blond chick whom some of my friends there find pretty attractive.
Me: What's up with the water temperature?
Lifeguard: What about it?
Me: It's 78 degrees! It's too damn cold!
Lifeguard: It's not cold.
Me: What!? It's 78. Seventy-freaking-eight degrees is freezing!
Lifeguard: No it's not.
Me: What do you mean it's not?
Lifeguard: It's not cold at all.
Ugh. At least show some empathy for us poor pool patrons who have to slog our way through ice-cold water.
It took me about 10 minutes to man up and jump into the pool. I nearly had a heart attack. It was freezing. I started swimming as fast as I could, but of course, I couldn't warm up. After about 300 meters, I stopped because I no longer had the motivation. See, if every pool in the world had to be heated to at least 82 degrees, there wouldn't be any issues. Instead, I couldn't complete my workout.
9. I wanted to complain some more but the aforementioned lifeguard was done her shift. A chubby guy with an afro took her place. I had an aversion for guys with afros at that point, so I didn't want to talk to him.
This is something that really bothers me. You know how women can't be in the NFL? Well, I think there shouldn't be any male lifeguards. Two reasons for this:
One, if you're drowning, do you really want some dude giving you mouth-to-mouth CPR? No thanks. I'd rather drown, thank you very much.
Two, this doesn't really affect me because I have a great girlfriend, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football, but other dudes at the gym want to game hot female lifeguards like the one who has an affinity for cold water. While I was splashing through my 300 meters, I saw my friend Jerry talking to her. Good for him, I thought. However, when she left, he looked very depressed. He no longer had any purpose there. He hates cold water, like me, and he certainly wasn't going to game the chubby afro lifeguard. Not that there'd be anything wrong with that, but still.
Simply put, female lifeguards create a cheery atmosphere. Male lifeguards? Well, unless you're heterosexually challenged, drowning actually becomes a preferable option during your gloomy experience at the pool.
10. You know what sucked about that gym trip? Not only did I nearly run over a woman, get disrespected by a pimply nerd, freeze to death, fail to have a good workout and come close to getting mouth-to-mouth with a chubby male lifeguard, I also couldn't go into the hot tub because it was closed.
The hot tub at this new gym has been closed for about three weeks now. I don't understand how this could possibly be. No hot tub should ever be closed. And I don't understand why it's been broken for so long. It shouldn't take that long. Here's how you fix a hot tub:
First, you scoop several hundred pails of water from a nearby water source (the pool) and dump it into the hot tub.
And second, you boil the water. Once it's boiled, people can go into the hot tub. I have no idea how to boil water, but I'm sure there's a switch or a knob somewhere. Hot tubs are basically pits with boiled water, so I don't understand how one could possibly be closed for three hours; let alone three weeks.
In conclusion, these are my laws. I know you love them. Why wouldn't you? They're perfect. Not only are they fun; they would also fix all of the problems in this country.
So, when you go to the voting booth on Election Day, remember - vote Walter Cherepinsky as your U.S. President in 2012. God bless America.
That's a bold A Walt.... the Browns will still find a way to screw it up so I can't give them anything more than a C. "The Browns have decided to start Myles Garrett at inside linebacker in what they say is a bold strategy."