JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Jerks of the Halloween Party
I had my annual Halloween party a couple of weeks ago. This made me excited because:
1. My sister told me she was going to make dinosaur chicken nuggets.
2. Hot chicks wearing slutty outfits would be attending.
3. There would be plenty of jerks to write about.
None of those three items would disappoint, especially the latter. For some reason, Halloween brings out the inner jerk in many people. I always have tons of jerks to write about this time of year:
Halloween 2007: A friend from college I hadn't seen in a long time came down for this party. Around 1 a.m., he disappeared. His car was still outside, and no one knew where the hell he was. He was unbelievably drunk, so we wanted to make sure he wasn't going to do anything stupid like drive home.
We looked all over, but couldn't find him anywhere. I even checked the laundry room - and walked in on my other friend banging some chick. Nice.
It turns out that my college friend went to his car and fell asleep in the back seat. See, we Penn Staters know that it's bad to drink and drive.
Halloween 2008: I was the jerk here. I have a friend named Ces, a small Asian guy. Some chick I was talking to at the time said that I should dress up as Cinco, a female version of Ces. So, I donned my Cinco costume to impress her - and it worked. Giggity.
Halloween 2009: This party was nuts. Some chick I dubbed Multi-Color Face Girl vomited all over my couch. There was also this fat Russian guy who really pissed me off for some reason.
Halloween 2010: I was too preoccupied trying to game Text Chick to notice any jerks. To make up for it, I discussed how my Russian Gypsy neighbors stole all my Halloween candy.
(UPDATE: One of my Russian gypsy neighbors is really hot, but she's married with a kid. FML.)
So, what sort of jerks would I find this year?
1. Pot Head:
This really hot girl brought her brother to the party. I had never met her brother before, so I didn't know what to expect.
When she arrived, she introduced me to him. He looked like he just rolled out of bed. His eyes were bloodshot, and he was wearing sweats. It appeared as though he was dressed up as a regular ole pot head.
Pot Head: Yooo mannn dooo youuu smoooke buuuddd!?!?!?
Pot Head: Yooo mannn dooo youuu smoooke weeeeed!?!?!?
Me: Nah. Great pot head costume though - I love it!
Pot Head: Whaaaaaaaat....???
It was at that point that I realized that he was super high. He asked me if he could smoke in my backyard. I just said "whatever" because I didn't want the hot chick to leave. Plus, I wasn't too concerned about my neighbors calling the cops. Russian people - Russian gypsies in particular - are very anti-police because of how terrible big government was in the USSR. No Russian I know trusts the cops whatsoever.
Anyway, my friend Body Burners was talking to me as I was grabbing a beer later that night.
Body Burners: Walt, I want to be a Jerk of the Week! How can I become a Jerk of the Week right now?
Me: Go smoke with that guy.
I pointed to Pot Head, who was just sitting there and smoking weed by himself. He spent the entire party doing that. Well, most of the party. He spent a few minutes trying to figure out how to use the ice machine on my refrigerator. He failed and had to ask for help.
Pot Head: Yoooo maaaaan how does thiiiis iiiccceeee maaaachiiiinne woooork?
Me: You press "Ice Type" to change it from water to ice.
Pot Head: Whooooaaaaaaaaaa...
You know, Pot Head is really lucky that he has a hot sister, or he wouldn't be invited to any parties.
2. Body Weight Alert Guy:
I like to come up with creative costumes. I mentioned that I dressed up as Cinco, a female version of Ces in 2008. Well, I actually donned a Ces costume in 2007. Two years ago, I was a Cobra Kai member. And last Halloween, I put on fake tattoos and a cheesy gold chain, and went as a Jersey Shore douche.
I was going to be a WalterFootball.com employee - I was going to wear a WalterFootball.com shirt, sweat pants, slippers and a robe, since that's what I have on right now (minus the WF.com shirt) - but that was before I watched the South Park Broadway episode.
I loved the fact that South Park joked that vegans wear life jackets so they don't drown. I also had a shirt similar to Fegan the Vegan's, so I put that on and had my sister buy me a life jacket.
I looked forward to confusing non-South Park watchers about my costume. I imagined the following conversation would take place with a hot chick:
Random Hot Chick: What are you supposed to be?
Me: A vegan!
Random Hot Chick: I don't get it.
Me: Vegans are afraid of drowning, so they wear life jackets to prevent that from happening.
Random Hot Chick: Oh, I'm so confused. Please take me to your hot tub upstairs so we can have passionate sex.
It didn't work. In fact, there was a drawback in that it made me look a bit overweight - much like Fegan, I suppose. I was made aware of this when a friend of mine I hadn't seen in about a month approached me.
Body Weight Alert Guy: Looks like you packed on a few pounds there!
Me: Really? In a good way or a bad way?
Body Weight Alert Guy: Oh, in a bad way, you should go to the gym more often.
Me: Ugh. Really? Are you sure it's not this life jacket?
Body Weight Alert Guy: Maybe... maybe...
My absolutely awesome costume sucked! No random hot chicks were confused by my life jacket, and they were possibly disgusted with my perceived weight gain. I wish I still had my Cinco wig.
3. Security Detail:
Two of my friends dressed up as Power Rangers in disguise. They wore red and green Power Ranger shirts, but also had fake mustaches to conceal their identity. I never suspected for a second that they were Power Rangers when they were wearing those fake mustaches.
They both got drunk, so they were doing pretty funny things. For instance, when they were playing beer pong, they played "defense" by moving their hands real fast on all four sides of the cup. As they did this, they'd shout, "This is how they do it in Europe!"
It was definitely one of the most hilarious and strangest things I've ever seen. What's funny is that this hot girl I was talking to remarked, "Umm... I've been in Europe before, and they definitely don't do that there."
Eventually, these two guys decided that they should be my security detail. I don't know why they chose to do this, but it was a good time. They would follow me around and clear a path for me. One of the guys told me to nod at him if I didn't want to talk to a specific person.
I thought it'd be fun to test this out on my friend Josh. I went upstairs and found Josh in the kitchen...
Josh: What's up?
*** I nod to my security detail. ***
Security Detail No. 1: Hey, hey, hey, get away from Walt! Get away!
Security Detail No. 2: Move away, sir! Move away!
Josh: What the f***?
Security Detail No. 1: Please do not talk to Walter!
Security Detail No. 2: Yes! Clear the way, clear the way!
So, my security detail was doing a good job, but I had to put them to the test. When they were on a bathroom break, I plotted something with my friend Man-Eaters. Our plan was to have the security detail come to the basement, and when I'd give her the signal, Man-Eaters would fire a beer pong ball at me. We wanted to see if my security detail would take a bullet for me.
Ten minutes later, I led the security detail to my beer pong table in the basement.
Me: Hey guys, someone down here is out to get me.
Security Detail No. 1: Who? Who!?
Me: I don't know. I received intelligence that someone means to do me harm.
Security Detail No. 2: We'll find them, sir!
My security detail questioned everyone in the room - except Man-Eaters! They even stepped on the aforementioned hot chick's finger, so I had to get her a Band-Aid.
I came back downstairs and signaled to Man-Eaters. She fired the beer pong ball and...
I fell to the ground. My security detail, who idly stood by as the beer pong ball struck my chest, started shouting, "Man down! Man down!"
Man down, indeed. Next time, I'm spending more money on my security detail so they actually take a beer pong ball for me.
4. The Cockblocker:
This happened at the end of the night. My vegan costume netted no hot chicks, so I sat eating doughnuts in my kitchen with some other people.
Meanwhile, a friend of mine was in the basement with a girl. I saw them sitting down there, so the other people and I opted to vacate the basement to give them some privacy.
Apparently, one guy didn't get the message. He came back down to the basement and talked to them for 30 minutes or so. My sister caught wind of this, and sent The Cockblocker a text:
The Cockblocker, as I was later told, finally figured out what he was doing when he saw the message. "Oh!" he shouted. "Oops!"
OK, so any normal person would then leave the basement so the two could be alone, right? Not The Cockblocker!
The following is an exchange that actually occurred. My friend gave me the specifics as I was at my laptop about an hour later, so I was able to jot down exactly what happened.
The Cockblocker: Look at what Walt's sister texted me.
Friend: What is it?
*** The Cockblocker shows my friend the text. ***
Friend: Haha yeah, pretty much.
The Cockblocker: I'm sorry bro.
Girl in Basement: What? What is it?
*** My friend told me what he was thinking at the time: No, you fool, don't show her the text! She's going to be embarrassed! ***
The Cockblocker: Here, look at this text.
*** My friend told me what he was thinking at the time: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!! ***
Girl in Basement: Oh.
The Cockblocker: Well, I guess I'm going to go upstairs.
Girl in Basement: Yeah... me too...
Wow. Just wow. Not only did this guy cockblock, he cockblocked again once he told he was cockblocking. That's some serious epic fail.
You know, I'm glad I was shot and killed by a beer pong ball. If The Cockblocker did this to me, I would be very pissed off right now.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Penn State Football Scandal
"Oh boy, Walt's going to defend Joe Paterno. He's just as crazy as those rioters at PSU. I'm not even going to read this. I'll send him some hate mail or post an angry rant on the comment board below. RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!"
Based on some tweets and e-mails I received, I know some people might be thinking this right now.
For the tl;dr crowd, I'm not going to use this space to defend Paterno. I'm going to look at some facts, post some prominent quotes/links, and bring up a few points about the Jerry Sandusky scandal that the media has chosen to make the public unaware of.
If Paterno knew that Sandusky was in fact raping kids, he had to go. It's as simple as that. But we don't know what he knows. If you're thinking, "OF COURSE HE KNEW YOUR AN IDIOT RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!" please consider the following before you have an aneurysm:
b. Nowhere in the grand jury report does it say that Paterno knew very much. It says that Mike McQueary told Paterno vague details about having seen something of some sort of sexual nature, and that Paterno reported it to his superiors.
It's strange. I don't know why people love to assume that Paterno knew everything that was going on. Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. But the fact remains that WE DON'T KNOW.
I loved Peter King's quote about this: "I love all these geniuses who know exactly what Paterno knew, when he knew it, and how he hid it. You are so, so smart."
c. The Board of Trustees said themselves that, "We don't have all the facts." Umm... so why do you get all the facts before making the decision?
If the Board of Trustees was so adamant about Paterno not coaching Saturday, that's fine. Put him on administrative leave. Tell the crazy reporters at your press conference, "Joe Paterno is still the coach of Penn State, but he is being put on administrative leave until we gather all the facts."
That could have prevented that insane riot that took place Wednesday night. Speaking of which...
There was some idiot on ESPN who said something like, "No one had any idea that there would be this big of a riot!"
Umm... what? I posted the following on Twitter Wednesday night, minutes after the Paterno firing announcement, which was two hours before the riot began:
"Penn State riot tonight? I'd be really shocked if there isn't one. Campus police better be prepared."
I can't believe how stupid John Surma and the rest of the people on the Board of Trustees are. They have to be completely brain-dead to think that there wouldn't be a riot. Hell, there was a huge riot back in spring 2001 (I was a freshman) when Penn State lost to Temple in the Sweet 16. And that was over some stupid college basketball game.
Surma should be thrown in jail for a few days for inciting a riot. It's just unbelievable how poorly he handled this whole situation. Since the Board of Trustees was so hell bent on making Paterno their scapegoat, the smart move would have been putting him on administrative leave and then firing him during Thanksgiving break two weeks later. All the students would have been off campus, so there wouldn't have been a riot.
Jail, unfortunately, is not a realistic option for Surma, so I propose that he and the other morons on the Board of Trustees pay for all the damage that took place in State College on Wednesday night.
Speaking of the riot, I would never defend flipping over cars, lighting fires and throwing rocks at police officers. But I definitely understand the anger behind the riot.
Paterno is the spirit of Penn State. He's like a surrogate grandfather to the students. An attack on him was essentially an attack on the university and the student body itself. That's why it's incredibly obvious that there was going to be a riot.
The manner in which this went down doesn't really help though, and that's a big part of the problem.
The Board of Trustees has wanted Paterno out for years. They asked him to step down in 2004, but he said "no." Still though, he has done way too much for the school to be dismissed via a short phone call. He's done too many great things to be axed without "having all the facts."
Surma is a pig. He and the other Board of Trustees should be ashamed of themselves. They need to be dismissed immediately for disrespecting the school, inciting a riot and acting recklessly. When the lawyer on the other side says you screwed up, you definitely f***ed up.
Many ignorant people out there believe that Paterno didn't go to the police. He did. Gary Schultz is in charge of the Penn State police. The Penn State police department is a real police force. They're armed and accredited. So, really, Paterno did go to the cops, and the cops squashed it.
And really, if you talked to the police commissioner, wouldn't you think you had done enough? Plus, Paterno had the experience of Penn State cops doing an investigation four years earlier and not coming up with anything. Child services came up with nothing either.
Yeah, so there's that.
As for McQueary, how the hell was he allowed to coach before receiving death threats? He's the one who allegedly witnessed this all go down. Why was he going to be coaching? What the hell is this idiotic Board of Trustees thinking?
OK, so if McQueary didn't kick Sandusky's a** upon seeing him rape a 10-year-old boy, I can understand that. Not everyone is Jack Bauer. Some people reading this might be thinking, "I would have killed Sandusky because I'm a man!" but they probably would have panicked and ran out of the locker room.
So, I don't blame McQueary for that. It's what he did afterward that pisses me off. If he did, in fact, witness what he says he saw, shouldn't he have done everything in his power to prevent Sandusky from raping another boy? Idly standing by and doing nothing makes McQueary the distant No. 2 bad guy behind Sandusky in this scandal.
And Paterno is way down that list. For now, anyway. If it's discovered that Paterno knew what was going on, then the right move was made. But we don't know the facts - which is exactly what the problem is.
This was added later after the Bernie Fine Syracuse scandal:
If you've been reading this site for more than a week, you know how much I hate ESPN. If you haven't seen this yet, here's a video proving that the idiots over at ESPN are complete hypocrites.
Some thoughts on this:
1. If I learned one thing from ESPN this past month: It's OK not to report child rape to the authorities unless you're an 80-year-old Italian man.
2. For those of you who were duped by ESPN during the Joe Paterno coverage, I hope you now realize that you were watching an entirely media-created news event. ESPN is supposed to report the news. Instead, they manufactured the news. They didn't report all the facts - for instance, thanks to ESPN's incredibly biased coverage, most people don't know that Paterno spoke to the proxy for the chief of police at Penn State.
But no - Paterno had to fired right away because ESPN said so. There's no way it could have been done a week or a month later after all the facts were gathered. That wouldn't make ESPN nearly enough money.
Could Paterno get his job back? I don't really know, but I hope so. If he does, however, that's just more money in ESPN's pocket though, so it'll be bittersweet.
4. I love the quote from Makachopping's post in the aforementioned video:
"Come talk to me when you all know more than what was spoon-fed to you by the media. They had physical evidence of this nonsense and nothing was done. JoePa went to the head of Campus Police about this. Bet you didn't know that. Maybe you would if you stopped watching the news networks that villified him. Do you even know the name of the man that [sic] abused those poor children. Probably not, considering he hasn't been mentioned in weeks. "Sandusky" doesn't sell, but "JoePa" does.
Brilliant. Once again, it's all about money in ESPN's pocket, yet naive people continue to think that ESPN is preaching the absolute truth. It's a damn shame that most people are so influenced by the biased media.
Heads need to roll at ESPN. They had a taped conversation about a Syracuse basketball coach who molested a kid. How the hell can they get away with not going to the police when they were the ones who essentially fired Paterno for not doing the same thing despite the fact that unlike ESPN, Paterno had no proof?