Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2015





Jerks of the Week: June 8, 2015


JERK OF THE WEEK: Uzbekistan

I hate Uzbekistan. It's the worst. I wish it would just blow up and cease to exist. That would make me extremely happy.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Walt, you can't publicly hate on a country like this! Uzbeki (Uzbekistani? Uzbekisti?) terrorists are going to hunt you down and kill you for insulting their country, or they're at least going to threaten to blow up movie theaters like those North Korean losers no one should've paid attention to who were pissed at that crappy movie for assassinating Kim Jong-il."

You'd have a point, but consider the following:

1. No one in Uzbekistan has the Internet, let alone a functioning computer. I have to believe that if there are computers in Uzbekistan - and keep in mind, that this is a very small possibility - they use those old Apple computers whose sole functions were to use that program with the turtle where you can draw things by typing in commands and play Oregon Trail. And yes, many in Uzbekistan die of dysentery every year. It's a terrible epidemic over there.

2. Even if Uzbekistani - my MS Word is not pissed at me for that spelling - people somehow had access to computers and the Internet, I can't imagine that they'd be on WalterFootball.com. Countries as poor as Uzbekistan hate American football because A) they are pissed that we came up with the word "football" first after they stole it from us, and B) they don't have the money to buy American football equipment, so they have to resort to kicking a round ball around for fun. Yawn.

3. Who really cares if a few movie theaters get blown up? Sounds like a blast to me. Get it? Blast?

While going on an entire Jerks of the Week rant on the country of Uzbekistan sounds like fun, I wasn't even talking about the country itself when I wrote earlier that I wished it blew up. So, calm down you one rogue Uzbekistani dude who stole an iPad from an unsuspecting tourist: I'm not hating on your country at all.

The "Uzbekistan" I'm referring to is the restaurant. There's a restaurant called Uzbekistan near my house, and it needs to die.

Some background: I've been to Uzbekistan four times in my life. The first three occasions occurred years ago. I remember that it was right after I graduated college because I was still living with my parents while I was saving up for a house. I would drive over there with my parents for family birthday parties, and I would dread every second of it. I recall not liking anything on the menu on the first two trips. The third time we went, I felt like I was there for hours. After eating some disgusting food, the waiter simply ignored us. He refused to give us the check, so we just sat there like a**holes for an eternity. I remember ducking out of the restaurant because it was so cramped that it made me feel claustrophobic. I called some girl I was sort of into at the time, talked to her on the phone for about 45 minutes, and then returned to the table where my family still hadn't received the check yet.

Ever since, I've seethed whenever driving by Uzbekistan - it's on the way home from the gym - and it's even worse when I'm with someone in the car. This is a typical exchange:

Passenger: Ooohh, Uzbekistan! I wonder if that's any good...

Me: NO IT SUCKS IT'S F***ING TERRIBLE DON'T EVEN GO THERE IT'S THE F***ING WORST FOOD EVER AND THEY TAKE FOREVER TO BRING OUT THE CHECK AND IT'S SO F***ING CLAUSTROPHOBIC IN THERE THAT YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO DIE BUT YOU MIGHT DIE FROM THEIR DISGUSTING FOOD FIRST IT'S THE WORST RESTAURANT OF ALL TIME IF YOU EVER INVITE ME THERE FOR A PARTY I WILL KILL YOU MOTHERF***ER!!!

The fourth time I went to Uzbekistan was very recent, unfortunately. I got a call from my mom the day before my dad's birthday...

Mom: Hey, remember that we're going out to eat for your dad's birthday tomorrow night.

Me: Oh, OK. Where are we going?

Mom: We're going to Uzbekistan. Meet us there at 7 o'cl...

Me: NO NOT UZBEKISTAN OH MY F***ING GOD THIS IS A F***ING NIGHTMARE THAT WE HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW F***ING TERRIBLE IT WAS JESUS F***ING CHRIST I'M GOING TO DIE TOMORROW BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL DIE FIRST FROM THE HORRIBLE FOOD OR THE BOREDOM OF WAITING FOR A CHECK FOR FIVE F***ING HOURS OR THE F***ING CLAUSTROPHOBIA BECAUSE IT'S SO F***ING CRAMPED IN THERE WHY THE F*** ARE WE GOING THERE I'D RATHER GO TO SOME GOD DAMN JAPANESE RESTAURANT THAN F***ING UZBEKISTAN THE WORST F***ING RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD!!!

Mom: Calm down, Walt. It's not that bad.

Not that bad!? Ha! Getting bitten by a poisonous snake is "not that bad." Getting run over by a truck is "not that bad." Getting your penis chopped off in Theon Greyjoy-type fashion is "not that bad." Going to Uzbekistan is f***ing terrible.

I'd call being able to write a Jerks of the Week entry on Uzbekistan a silver lining, but that would be a lie. I would've rather not gone at all, even if it meant obtaining 500 Jerks of the Week entries. The fact that I made it out alive isn't a silver lining either. I would've rather faced 500 deaths than one meal at that God-forsaken place.

Nevertheless, I did go to Uzbekistan, so here's a recap of my miserable time there:





Ordering Food:

As you can imagine, I had extreme difficulty ordering food. Nothing looked good at first glance. Every single description had the word "mushroom" in it.

Now, I know some of you reading this may like mushrooms. If so, screw you. Mushrooms are the worst. They're disgusting. The only ones I'd be willing to eat would be the ones that are red and white because they make you grow big, or the green and white ones because they give you an extra life. Unfortunately, I have not seen mushrooms like these; the ones that come on pizzas are brown and slimy, and they certainly don't help you kill turtles that are mindlessly marching toward you.

"Look," my girlfriend said, pointing to something on the menu. "They have fried ravioli. You like that!"

Indeed. And I'd order it if we were in an Italian restaurant. But I wouldn't dare touch that in an Uzbekistani operation. Rather than fill the ravioli with regular meat and cheese, they'd probably use rat meat and cat cheese, both of which I wasn't in the mood for. And then there's the question of sauce. Italians use normal spaghetti sauce, but that hasn't been invented yet in the country of Uzbekistan, so what would they use instead? Just plain old butter? Borscht? The tears of Uzbekistani orphans who cry themselves to sleep every night because they can't seem to beat Oregon Trail? No thanks.

Half the menu was written in Russian, so it was difficult to find stuff I recognized. Then, I saw it. It was written in small letters, so I missed it the first five times I glossed over the page: Chicken wings.

I suddenly had a smile on my face. Maybe this dinner won't be so bad after all, I thought. Unfortunately, my hopes and dreams were shattered when I told my parents what I was ordering.

Me: I think I'm getting the chicken wings.

Mom: No, you don't come to Uzbekistan to order chicken wings.

Dad: You want chicken wings!? They have so much great food here, and all you want is chicken wings!?

Me: Yeah, why not?

Mom: You can't have chicken wings.

Dad: It's my birthday, so you're going to order something good. No chicken wings!

OK, then. My sister recommended that I order something called "Samsa."

Me: What the hell is that? If it's anything like how Sansa Stark has been treated this season, I don't want any part of it.

Sister: SaMsa; not SaNsa!

Me: Even still, it sounds too risky.

My mom then suggested the beef stroganoff, which didn't sound too bad until I read in the description that it comes with mushrooms and sour cream.

Ugh. Why? I don't get the point of meals coming with stuff like that. Ordering something like mushrooms and sour cream should be optional sides for beef stroganoff. Why ruin something half-not terrible with awful things? It's like going to a pizza place, and only being able to order a pizza with pubes and feces as toppings. Sure, you can ask for pizza without pubes and feces, but what if the chef forgets, or puts some secret pubes and feces in your food just to mess with you?

I ended up ordering something called "spring leaf chicken," which sounded somewhat edible. Sure, I was wary of Uzbekistan claiming that it grew its chicken on trees, but the dish didn't contain any mushrooms or sour cream, so I assumed it was safe.







Eating Food:

I suspected the possibility of the Uzbekistani waitress bringing out our drinks after the meal, or something crazy like that, but she gave us a pitcher of water before our salads and soups had arrived. At least that was normal.

The drink menu, however, was not. I forgot to mention that bit when I was talking about ordering food, but here's what it looked like:

Drinks! Water - Tea - Coffee - Juice - Milk - Soda

Soda? Juice? Care to elaborate a little? Do you have Coke or Pepsi? Do you have anything else like Sprite or Ginger Ale? How about orange soda? What kind of juice do you have? And what's up with "milk?" Who the hell orders milk with their meal? Is there some Russian a**hole who goes to Uzbekistan and goes, "I vood like beef strogaoffsky vis samsa starks vis extaroo mushroom and sour creams vis big glass of milk and can put mushroom in milk, to please?"

I would've ordered soda in a normal restaurant, but I knew better this time. My experiences with Russian restaurants have taught me that any soda you might order won't be carbonated. You might see bubbles, but they're just the decorations on the pitcher. I'm dead serious. Every single soda I've ever ordered in a Russian restaurant has been as flat as a pancake. If Russia hasn't invented carbonation yet, then Uzbekistan sure as hell doesn't have it.

I assumed the water would be fine, but I instantly noticed that there was small brown crap floating around in it, almost as if it was someone else's backwash. I nearly gagged, though the salad saved me. Believe it or not, they actually had Caesar salad. I was shocked. I always want to bring emergency supplies (**) to horrible restaurants, and one of the things in my kit would be a bottle of Caesar dressing. I later realized that it would make sense for Uzbekistan to have Caesar dressing because Julius Caesar conquered the country long ago (maybe?), but it was still a nice surprise.

(**) I keep forgetting to put my restaurant kit together. This would be comprised of ketchup, barbeque sauce, queso, Ranch dressing, Caesar dressing, lemon iced tea, and other things. You see, some restaurants lack these essential condiments/dressings/drinks, so I need to bring these things along sometimes. "Oh, you don't have lemon iced tea, Olive Garden? Good thing I brought my own! Oh, you only have sour cream to dip your chicken and potatoes in, crappy Russian restaurant? Good thing I brought my ketchup, barbeque sauce and queso!" I think I'm a genius for coming up with this system, but I have yet to implement it.

I will admit that my entree wasn't disgusting. It wasn't good either, though. The spring leaf chicken was super dry, almost as if the Uzbekistani people plucked it off a tree, so it was hard to eat because I was trying my hardest to avoided drinking the polluted water. I made sure to sip around the brown backwash specks, but even that was difficult.

Fortunately, my spring leaf chicken came with a side of potatoes and rice. The latter was decent, though I didn't get much. The potatoes had the potential to be the best part, but...

Mom: How's your food?

Me: It's OK. Chicken's dry. Potatoes are better, but they need ketchup.

Girlfriend: Why don't you ask for ketchup?

Me: Ask for ketchup? There's no way in hell they have ketchup. Uzbekistan hasn't invented ketchup yet!

Girlfriend: You're such a dick! Stop yelling!

Me: What? It's true. You think they have Heinz factories in Uzbekistan?

Sister: We're not in Uzbekistan! We're in America!

Me: So why the hell are we eating in Uzbekistan?

Seriously. If everyone wanted crappy food so badly, why not board a plane, fly over to Uzbekistan, try some of their disgusting "cuisine" and then play Oregon Trail with the locals?

The fact of the matter is, people in Uzbekistan board cargo ships and starve themselves in the process just to come to America. They all crave freedom, good food like bacon cheeseburgers and games where you can't die of dysentery. Imagine the look on an Uzbekistani immigrant child's face when he gets a PS4 for Christmas, or the expression on his face when he dips a French fry into ketchup instead of sour cream for the first time. Do you think he yearns to go back to an Internet-less land where sour cream and mushrooms are the only condiments?

I highly doubt it. I simply can't imagine that plucking chickens off a tree can be very fun. No wonder Uzbekistanis cherish Oregon Trail so much; it's their only reprieve from the chicken-tree fields.

LOADING COMMENTS...



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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 19


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5









 





 

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