It seems like yesterday when I wrote my 2010 Jerks of the Year entry on Twilight. I entitled it, the Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks. It's one of my favorite entries, and others share that sentiment. When I went to my 10-year high school reunion, I had multiple people tell me that they loved how I broke down why Twilight was such absolute trash.
The thing is, I only covered the first movie in that God-forsaken series. I still have three more films to watch and make fun of. I've planned on doing this, but I just haven't gotten around to it. I want to criticize the other movies, but wasting another two hours or so watching another Twilight film just seems depressing. Seriously, I'd rather bash myself in the head with a hammer for that amount of time because it just seems like it would be so much more fun and productive.
I'll get around to the other Twilight films sooner or later, but in the meantime, I have more vampires to disparage. I'm not sure if you've heard, but True Blood aired its final episode last night. I haven't watched it yet.
Yes, True Blood. Not that there's anything wrong with that. No, really, it used to be a good show. The first season was amazing, and it's definitely worth checking out if you haven't seen it. The premise is that the vampires, who have been in hiding for thousands of years, have finally "come out of the coffin," as they put it. They make themselves known to the public, thanks to the invention of True Blood, a synthetic blood drink. With True Blood available for purchase everywhere, vampires no longer have to attack people and drink their blood, so many of them have decided to become civilized. Other vampires, however, refuse to "mainstream." They're still evil and hostile, and they make the good vampires look bad.
Of course, there's resistance to vampires mainstreaming. In the credits, there's a sign that says "God Hates Fangs," and there's a homicidal maniac running around in the first season who kills vampires and the human women they sleep with. It's a mystery as to who this character is, and I'll have to admit that I was pretty surprised when I found out.
True Blood used to be appointment television for me, but that show has gotten so bad to the point that I go weeks without watching an episode. And when I do, I sound like a homicidal maniac myself because I yell at the TV in frustration. My neighbors have heard me shout the following things:
"I DON'T F***ING CARE ABOUT THESE CHARACTERS!!!"
"SHE'S A F***ING IDIOT! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT!?"
"THIS SHOW SUCKS, WHY THE HELL AM I WATCHING THIS!?"
"NO ONE GIVES A S*** ABOUT GAY VAMPIRES, NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!"
Gay vampires are just the tip of the iceberg, though one particular gay vampire is a problem on the show. I'm referring to a gay vampire who banged this other vampire, Jessica, in a detention center in the previous season. They quickly fell in love. Two episodes into this season, Jessica completely lost interest in this vampire, but continued to date him. This vampire got insecure that Jessica no longer liked him, so he began talking to a gay, cross-dressing human named Lafayette. They then fell in love - the vampire was just happy that someone was listening to him - and Jessica eventually caught the gay vampire boinking Lafayette near her car outside of a house party, where anyone walking to the house or looking outside of a window could see them.
I wish I were making this up.
Sadly, this isn't nearly the worst plot line True Blood has ever had. Not even close. The first three seasons were great, but we were eventually introduced to werewolves (how original), followed naturally by werepanthers. Yes, werepanthers. Microsoft Word is spazzing out with its red, squiggly lines because it doesn't recognize "werepanthers," and I'm spazzing out remembering how much of an abomination the werepanther storyline was.
Werepanthers, as you can imagine, were humans that can turn into panthers. Cool, right? Werewolves themselves were utterly useless in the True Blood world. A new vampire - they grow stronger as they get older - took down four werewolves in one episode. They tried to validate werewolves by having one of the vampires say, "Werewolves are the greatest trackers in the world." Whoop-dee-freaking-doo.
Werepanthers are the degenerate cousins of werewolves in that they're even more useless. The werepanther community, per the show, was comprised of white-trash meth heads who lived in trailers and shacks because they were poor. You'd think they could use their panther abilities to upgrade their living conditions somehow, but all they did was cook and use meth.
The werepanther storyline went like this: Jason, a bayou hick who happened to be the brother of Sookie, the main character, fell in love with this ugly, skinny chick. He eventually learned that she was a werepanther. For some reason, the werepanthers believed that Jason was the "chosen one," so they strapped him to a bed and had all of the female werepanthers rape him so they could have "chosen" werepanther babies. This may not sound so bad for Jason, who banged a ridiculous amount of women on the show, but a 12-year-old girl eventually tried to rape him, and he had no choice but to have an erection because the male werepanther meth heads shoved Viagra down his throat.
This is what sent True Blood down a dark spiral. The show eventually delved into faeries, shapeshifters (they could only turn into stupid animals) and Mexican shamans. The latter plot was great because we got to watch an entire episode of Lafayette and a gay Mexican nurse named Jesus sit in the desert so they could sacrifice a rabbit for Jesus' uncle. That was some scintillating television.
I guess other viewers were as frustrated as I was because True Blood went back to focusing on vampires for the most part this season. The major conflict that went on was a hepatitis infection that was killing vampires until a cure was found, of course. This would've been a promising plot, but True Blood spent half of each episode on its terrible characters: The bar owner shapeshifter who impregnated a black chick; the thrice-widowed waitress who has a new crush on a vampire in a rock band; the fairy daughter of the sheriff, who has a crush on her future stepbrother. None of this crap mattered, yet True Blood, in its infinite wisdom, dedicated so much time every week to it.
I reached a breaking point while watching the seventh episode of this season. The entire hour was so completely pointless that I spent the whole time yelling at the TV in agony. I usually did this a few times per episode, but I was shouting the whole hour.
To show you how awful it was, I'm going to take you through, scene by scene, so you can understand the devastating pain I went through:
Scene 1: Remember the hepatitis cure I mentioned? A woman named Sarah drank the only vial of this antidote (of course), and two of the vampires, Eric and Pam, along with the head of the corporation that invented True Blood - a Japanese man with a Texan accent - go to Sarah's sister's house. Sarah's sister is a vampire - a very hot vampire - but Eric, the only cool character on the show (he was a viking who was turned into a vampire 1,000 years ago), grows so frustrated because she was being uncooperative that he stabs her with a pencil. The hot vampire proceeds to explode into a pile of blood and ooze.
This scene wouldn't have been bad if they didn't kill the hottest chick currently on the show. But it highlights how dumb the vampires' weakness to wood is. Vampires in True Blood can travel at the speed of sound. They have super strength. They can control people's thoughts. They can even fly, if they're old enough. And yet, a pencil kills them. A freaking pencil! And it doesn't even have to be to the heart! If they're pricked with a pencil, anywhere on their body, they die. A freaking splinter kills them.
Scene 2: The sheriff and his fiancee are looking for their children, who are banging somewhere. If their children were even remotely interesting or somehow relevant to the overall story arch, maybe I'd give a damn. Maybe.
Scene 3: Jessica is crying because Bill, her maker (the vampire who turned her into a vampire), has been infected with hepatitis. Unfortunately for Bill, his hepatitis - emphasized by blackened veins - is spreading more quickly because he drank the blood of a hep-positive fairy. I'm pretty sure I once did the same exact thing during my wild drinking days at Penn State, so I guess I'm pretty lucky that I'm not a vampire.
Jessica's phone rings. It buzzes 10 times because everyone is too upset to get up. The phone doesn't go to voicemail, and the person calling won't hang up. The phone just keeps ringing. Eventually, Bill gets it and hands it over to Jessica because it's the sheriff, and he wants to know if his daughter is OK. You see, Jessica drank his fairy daughter's blood, which means that as a vampire, she'll know if his daughter is in danger.
Yet another awesome power - and yet Jessica could never take the SATs because she'd need to use a No. 2 pencil.
Anyway, the sheriff and his wife decide to look for their kids at some lake house in Oklahoma, so they plan on driving there from Louisiana - all without calling there first, or asking one of the neighbors there to investigate. So, the sheriff let Jessica's phone ring 10 times without hanging up, and yet he won't even try calling that other house? Why so inconsistent? And is it OK for the sheriff to leave the town, especially when he only has three other deputies? I love how that isn't addressed at all.
Scene 4: The sheriff's fairy daughter and her step-brother boyfriend are with this hot brunette vampire, who invites them to her creepy home. She tells them she's doing this because she's upset their parents don't appreciate their love, but she has a hidden agenda (of course). She tells them, "When I was your age, I used to f*** my brother. A lot." I thought we were in Louisiana; not West Virginia.
The hot vampire leads the two kids to a room with dildos, handcuffs and other sex toys. The kids thank her, so she says, "You don't need to thank me. I love love!" Let's move on before I throw something at the TV.
Scene 5: More Jessica and Bill. They notice that Bill's blackened veins are moving into his neck. Sookie, the fairy who infected Bill, is there too. She refuses to accept that he's dying. I refuse to accept that I'm wasting my time rewatching this piece of s*** show.
Scene 6: A dream sequence where the thrice-widowed waitress bangs the rock-band vampire. In it, the hammy vampire tells her he's 515 years old (keep that in mind for later). She's resistant at first because "a human with a vampire is wrong." But it's oh so right.
I hate dream sequences in shows and movies. Unless it's a character having prophetic dreams, it's just filler bulls*** and a cheap ploy for shock value. Like "OMG THAT WOMAN IS HAVING A SEX WITH A VAMPIRE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG WHOA IT WAS ONLY A DREAM OH MANNNNN." Ugh.
Scene 7: The Japanese guy with the Texan accent from the first scene tells Eric and Pam that he wants to synthesize Sarah's blood and make profit of off it. He asks them if they are capitalists, and Eric nods his head.
Thank God. Socialist vampires would be even more annoying.
Anyway, for some reason, the Japanese Texan offers Eric 49 percent of the profit from this "New Blood" he wants to create. I have zero idea what Eric did do or could do to earn 49 percent. It makes zero sense from a business perspective, especially when it's coming from a capitalist. A Japanese capitalist with a Texan accent, that is. And I thought werepanthers were dumb.
Scene 8: Sookie and Jessica put Bill to bed. Sookie and Jessica talk, but I can't pay attention because of Sookie's hideous teeth. The only thing I catch is that Sookie says "there's a miracle out there waiting for Bill." Sure there is - the end of this horrific show.
Scene 9: Bill dreams that he's back in the 1800s as a human. He's talking to his father, who tells him to marry some woman named Caroline so "our lands can combine." Nothing too terrible here, so let's just move on.
Scene 10: This guy Hoyt shows up to a bar with his super-hot girlfriend, Bridget. You see, Hoyt used to be one of the useless main characters on the show. He was a human male who dated Jessica. Jason banged Jessica, so Hoyt beat him up. Hoyt was then extremely miserable, so Jessica brainwashed Hoyt into forgetting about both her and Jason. He then moved to Alaska.
OK, I just realized how dumb that sounded. Why didn't the writers come to the same conclusion when they came up with that crap?
Anyway, the waitress asks them if they have vampire problems in Alaska. Here's the wonderful exchange:
Bridget: Not really because it doesn't get dark up there very much this time of year.
Waitress: Oh! I never even thought of that!
Hoyt: Bridget is super smart!
Super smart... because she knows when the sun sets in her hometown? Derp dee derp.
Scene 11: Jason is vacuuming with his shirt off. If my female friends I used to watch this awful show with were here, they'd all go, "WWWOOHHHHWOOWHWOWOFHWPH!"
Jason gets a call that Hoyt is back in town. He panics. This show's getting intense!
Scene 12: Back to the sheriff's daughter and her step-brother lover. They struggle with the sex toys because they think each other is into that. They also both discover that they were virgins prior to banging each other the first time. It's amusing to me when the daughter says, "it was my first time too!" Why? Because she's 2 years old!
She is. She looks 18, but she's only 2. You see, the sheriff banged some fairy and was later presented with five daughters he had to raise. They all grew at an accelerated rate, yet they conveniently stopped at "18." That in itself is pretty arbitrary; who's to say they don't have the bodies of 17- or 16-year-olds? And wouldn't it still be illegal for them to bang men regardless? I don't even know.
Anyway, Jessica killed the other four faeries by draining too much of their blood. Yet, she's trusted enough by the sheriff to take care of his fifth daughter. That makes lots of sense.
Scene 13: Jason shows up to the bar. He can't stop staring at Bridget's cleavage. You'd think the writers would know something about character progression. On another show or movie, Jason would grow and not have a crazy urge to bang another one of Hoyt's girlfriends. But this is True Blood we're talking about, where werepanthers are real, and good storytelling is not.
Scene 14: A short, elderly woman drives up in a hummer. She's the doctor, and she came to look in on Bill, who is dreaming about the first time he met his former wife. The doctor freaks out once she learns that Sookie's "great-great-great times a thousand grandfather" is some dude named Nile Ludvig. Oooohhh so intriguing. Can't wait to find out about that!
Scene 15: Hoyt and Bridget are at the morgue, where Hoyt identifies his mother's body. Jason continues to stare at Bridget's wonderful cleavage.
Scene 16: Sookie approaches Bill's late wife's grave and calls out to Nile Ludvig. The trees rustle, but nothing happens. She then comes home and sees Nile rummaging through her cupboard. "How do you make that wonderful spaghetti?" he asks.
Nile explains that the doctor freak out because dwarves hate faeries. Oh, OK. Sookie begs Nile to use some of his magic to cure Bill, though Nile is reluctant because Bill apparently isn't good enough for her. Old man, this chick made you spaghetti, the least you can do is cure her vampire boyfriend from hepatitis!
Scene 17: Sarah comes back to an old camp where she used to work. She sees Jason - really a figment of her imagination - playing football... with his shirt off! WWWOOHHHHWOOWHWOWOFHWPH!"
Shirtless ghost Jason tells Sarah that she's going to die and that her number is up. Dun dun dunnnn!!!
Scene 18: Capitalist Texan Japanese Man's henchmen have located Sarah using their fancy satellite. Capitalist Texan Japanese Man lights a cigar. Oooooohhhh!!!
Scene 19: The shapeshifter bar owner is talking to his waitress about his dilemma: He doesn't want to leave, but his pregnant girlfriend doesn't want to raise her child in this crazy town. Zzzzzzz...
Scene 20: The sheriff and his fiancee show up to the Oklahoma lake house. The fiancee says, "I think I have keys here somewhere." Wow. So you drove all the way from Louisiana to Oklahoma without checking if you had keys first!? HOW DUMB ARE THESE CHARACTERS AAHAHHGHGHGHGHGHGw eoIHWEOIGH WIGIWEG HRGIEHRGOI HEROIG G HW RHG RHGOI IH OIRGH EROIGH .
Scene 21: Nile tells Sookie that they have to channel "nature's memory." By doing this, they both see Bill's first child being born in a vision. That sparks this exchange:
Nile: Wow, that was amazing.
Sookie: What was so amazing?
Nile: Child birth. It was a miracle.
Sookie: Grandpa, was I not being perfectly clear? I need a miracle.
Nile: It was a miracle.
Sookie: Babies are born all the time.
Nile: That doesn't make it less miraculous. There's magic in the ordinary. Birth is a miracle. Love is a miracle. Death is a miracle. Forgiveness is a miracle. Especially if you can learn to forgive yourself.
Sookie: Did you bring me here just to trick me?
Nile: No, I wanted to give you some advice. There are some things that can be fixed with magic. But your vampire friend is not one of them.
Sookie: Thank you for the life lesson. Can you go now please?
OH MY GOD WHY THE F*** DID TRUE BLOOD WASTE MY TIME AGAIN!? WHY DID THEY SPEND 10 MINUTES ON THIS OLD MAN IF HE DIDN'T PROGRESS THE STORYLINE AT ALL!? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIM BEING IN THIS EPISODE!? WHY DIDN'T HE TELL HER HE COULDN'T CURE BILL IN THE FIRST PLACE!? WHY DOES BILL'S WIFE GIVING BIRTH 150 YEARS AGO MATTER!? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHWYWYWHYW H Y WYHWY HWYH WYH WYH YWH YHWYHYH YHWYHYHHFEWGUHWOHERO GHERO IERO
Scene 22: A little black girl is in her room. She looks out the window and sees Lafayette and his alcoholic aunt digging holes in her backyard. This is all we'll see of these two characters in this episode. Want to know what they're up to? Tune in next week!
Scene 23: The waitress is drinking by herself. Rock-band vampire shows up. Is this a dream? No, it's real! Oh boy! Rock-band vampire asks the waitress if she wants to dance, and she accepts. They begin to talk.
Waitress: Are you really 515 years old?
Hammy Vampire: Yeah. I am.
HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT IF SHE ONLY DREAMT ABOUT IT!? HE NEVER TOLD HER SO HOW DID SHE KNOW!? THIS MAKES NO F***IGN SENSEEWG AAAGGHH HRGHR8GHRW HGW0RH G OEIO ERHOI ERHIGO H.
Scene 24: Slutty West Virginia Vampire wakes up and walks into the room where the fairy daughter and her step-brother boyfriend are under the covers. "Hello, love birds! Oh, I see you didn't use any of my toys. Because we're going to use them now!" She knocks out step-brother boyfriend and handcuffs fairy daughter to the bed. This would be super intense if any of these characters mattered!
Scene 25: Eric and Pam realize they've overslept. They worry that the Japanese guys have left, but they find them outside. "Let's go make some money," Capitalist Japanese Texan says, now wearing a cowboy hat.
Scene 26: Sookie, wearing a white dress, runs over to Bill's house. She knocks on his door and tells him she's going to stay with him until the very end. They bang.
Scene 27: Sarah, still at the camp, is talking to herself, continuing to hallucinate for no reason. She sees all of the men she's ever slept with. All of them are telling her that she's going to die tonight. Spoiler alert: She's not going to die tonight. She's going to stay alive because she's the cure, and she must cure the vampires so there's a happy ending.
The Japanese show up in fancy cars. Capitalist Japanese Texan is no longer wearing his cowboy hat.
Scene 28: Back to Sookie and Bill banging. They show Sookie's boobs, but I'm distracted by her ugly teeth and the horrifying black veins all over Bill's body. This is not a pleasant scene.
The end. The show is over. Thank f***ing God.
Want to know what happens? Will the vampires be cured? Will the fairy chick and her step-brother boyfriend be saved? Will Sarah's hallucinations continue to tell her she'll die tonight even though she won't? Will Jason continue staring at Bridget's cleavage? Will the sheriff's fiancee remember her house keys before coming home? Will Capitalist Japanese Texan sell his shares of Starbucks?
Hopefully you'll never find out. I did, unfortunately. And I yelled at my TV while doing so.