I don't want to depress you, but I have some sad news to report. A man in Philadelphia committed suicide Monday when he jumped in front of a train near the Jenkintown Station.
This was a terrible series of events, and I'm still sick to my stomach just thinking about what transpired. Why that f***ing a**hole had to kill himself and ruin everyone's day is beyond me.
What? You inferred that I was depressed about the guy who committed suicide? This may upset some of the hypocritical douche bags on Twitter - the ones from the ridiculous Adrian Peterson Twitter incident - but what happened as a result of this man's death was much more aggravating than his own demise. It set off a chain of events that my girlfriend referred to as Bad Omens Monday.
My girlfriend stayed over last Sunday night because the premiere of Game of Thrones ended at 10, and it's a 45-minute drive to her house. She'd have to wake up at 6 a.m. for work, so it made more sense for her to stay over since she could take the train across the street from my development, which would cut down on her commute by half an hour. I told her I'd pick her up after work so that we could get dinner afterward. It seemed like a great plan until she texted me at 5:20. I expected her to tell me that she was on her way, but I saw this instead:
"Ugh, my train's been delayed for 20 minutes already."
This was immediately followed by:
"Some guy jumped in front of a train, so SEPTA has stopped all trains for the rest of the evening. Can you pick me up at Jenkintown Station?"
I didn't mind going to Jenkintown - it was only a 20-minute drive - but I was pretty furious at SEPTA for shutting everything down because of a suicide. Yes, it sucks that someone died, but did they have to just stop all trains? Well, they apparently felt as though they had to in order to investigate the incident, but what's there to investigate? I wasn't even there, and I know what happened:
1. This guy was miserable because A) his job sucked, B) his wife was cheating on him, or C) Bran wasn't in the previous night's Game of Thrones episode.
2. This guy leapt onto the train tracks as a train was approaching, yelling, "BRAAAN WHAT HAAPENED TOOO YOOUU!?"
See? It's that simple. Again, it sucks a dude killed himself, but that's done with. It's not like he happened to be standing near the tracks, threatening to jump to his death. He killed himself, and there's nothing that could be done about it. Thus, it's illogical for SEPTA to inconvenience everyone else because some selfish douche abandoned his family and friends because he thought his life sucked. (I told you the sandy-vag people on Twitter would be pissed.)
Oh, and it was a huge inconvenience for everyone. As I wrote, they canceled all trains, so people were stranded at various stations in what happened to be miserable weather (it was pouring all afternoon). Thus, friends/family had to pick up these train passengers, causing massive traffic jams on the way to Jenkintown Station. Remember how I said it was a 20-minute ride? Well, it took me more than an hour to get there.
Of course, I probably should have expected such incompetence on SEPTA's part. SEPTA, despite the commercials it creates to make itself look better, is the biggest piece of dog s*** on the planet. And I'm not exaggerating. But before I describe how terrible SEPTA is, let's take a look at one of those ads:
Holy crap, this is the guy who killed himself! The fact that the best part of his day is riding the train and checking basketball stats ("so amazing!") pretty much means that he has a miserable existence. Maybe he was watching Game of Thrones during his SEPTA ride, and when he didn't catch any exciting Bran scenes, he decided to end it all.
Anyway, what this commercial fails to mention are the...
Incredibly lazy employees
The constantly late and delayed trains/buses
The hobos who harass you for change during the day at the train stations.
The awful train hours that force people to drive home, which promotes drunk driving.
The loathsome drunks and crack addicts who sit next to you and drool all over you during train and bus rides.
The station bathrooms that reek of feces and vomit.
Other than that, SEPTA is just fantastic! Sarcasm, obviously. And what's laughable is that the aforementioned incredibly lazy SEPTA employees, who have unionized for some unknown reason, are threatening to strike because they want more pay and improved benefits. I honestly don't see why any of these douche bags deserve any sort of benefits. Where's Ronald Reagan when we need him? Can't we reanimate his body, make him mayor of Philadelphia and watch him fire all of these lethargic idiots? Seriously, anyone can be a SEPTA employee. Hell, I'm willing to bet that the hobos at the train stations would do a better job.
Ugh. Rant over. Anyway, the whole point of this section was that the long drive and the pouring rain were the first two bad omens.
A major reason it took more than an hour to get to Jenkintown Station was the aforementioned traffic. Another reason was one of the roads. Route 611 was a disaster area. Half the road was comprised of potholes that were literally 20 feet deep. The other half was completely torn apart. It felt like I was driving in some kind of war zone. I'd say I don't understand how they could let the road get that bad, but this is the city of Philadelphia we're talking about. Philly has zero money and can't afford to do anything, outside of funding the corrupt Mayor Nutter Butter and his cronies' special interests.
A third reason why the trip took so long was because Garmin got me lost. I've had issues with Garmin before - it once told me I had to drive 800 miles from Philly to the Jersey Shore - and it honestly has never gotten me from Point A to Point B without getting me lost. I don't know why I still rely on it.
I've never driven to Jenkintown Station before, but it told me to go to 3 Greenwood Avenue. I didn't question it until I approached 3 Greenwood Avenue... but instead of a train station, I arrived at an apartment complex.
Yelling furiously at the Garmin slut who told me that my "destination was to your right," I pulled into the apartment complex that was protected by a security booth. I drove up and rolled down my window. A fat black woman was sitting there, staring back at me.
Security Woman: Can I help you?
Me: Hi, do you know where Jenkintown Station is?
Security Woman: Oh shuga, you come in the wrong direction.
Me: Yeah I figured. How do I get there?
Security Woman: Turn your car round hmy'all, then go straight back on Greenwood Avenue and you find it.
Me: But I just came down Greenwood Avenue, and I didn't see it at all.
Security Woman: Trust me, I ride the train to work every afternoon, you gonna find it if you just go back on Greenwood Avenue.
Me: But I don't know where to look! I was just driving on Greenwood Avenue and didn't see it!
Security Woman: Just drive on Greenwood Avenue!
Me: But I was driving on Greenwood Avenue!
Security Woman: Just turn yo car round hmy'all and drive! You holdin' up the lines!
It was true. People trying to go home were waiting on me, so I just turned around and went back on Greenwood Avenue. I was convinced that I wouldn't find it, and that my girlfriend would be stranded at Jenkintown Station forever. But as it turns out, the security woman was right - Jenkintown Station was on Greenwood Avenue - but I had to make a right onto it instead of the left, as the Garmin slut previously told me.
So, Garmin only got me a little lost. I guess I should be grateful. After all, it could have told me to go 800 miles in the wrong direction.
While I was having trouble finding Jenkintown Station, my girlfriend was having her own issues. First, she managed to draw the ire of a fellow passenger. I obviously wasn't there, but I was told the conversation went like this:
Random Woman: What happened?
Girlfriend: I think someone jumped in front of the train.
Random Woman: Oh, that's horrible.
Girlfriend: Yeah! He screwed everyone over!
Random Woman: HOW DARE YOU!? THAT IS SO RUDE!!!
This random woman, whom I shall refer to as Sandy-Vag B***h, was obviously out of her mind, much like the lunatics on Twitter. I seriously don't know what there is to be upset about. I have no sympathy for everyone who kills him or herself. It's a selfish act that will have that person's family and friends grieving and eventually blaming themselves for not seeing it coming. It's pathetic; it's someone convinced they can't handle life, so they take the easy way out. Or perhaps they're trying to make some sort of statement. Either way, they are dicks.
My girlfriend was especially frustrated when telling this story because she was soaked. You see, I was taking so long in getting there that she had to get away from Sandy-Vag B***h, so she started walking down Greenwood Avenue to meet me. Unfortunately, she walked the wrong way. Because of construction that sealed off the road, she had to venture all the way back to meet me.
There was only one bad patch of traffic on the way back, so I considered ourselves fortunate. We decided to go to Saladworks for dinner because we ate unhealthy food all weekend. It was just around the corner, so we figured we were finished with all of the bad omens. Oh, how wrong we were.
We ordered buffalo chicken salads, though I asked for no peppers on mine. The fat girl behind the counter asked me if I wanted to replace anything with the peppers, so I asked for more chicken and blue cheese. She initially said I couldn't do this, but I gave her an "I've had a long day, so you better f***ing give me more chicken and blue cheese" look on my face, so she relented easily.
Well, sort of. The fat girl gave me more chicken, but she scooped in a minimal amount of blue cheese. In fact, there wasn't much of anything else in the salad, as she also went light on the tortilla chips.
To be honest, I wasn't surprised. Every single fat food server I've ever encountered in my life has been stingy with food. This is for one of two reasons: 1) They're jealous of the food, so they want to hoard it themselves. 2) They're fatter than me, so they assume they can't eat as much as they can.
Perhaps both applied to this girl because gave me an "I'm going to hunt you down for this food" expression, followed by a "Ha! You can't possibly eat this" look.
Well, I ate it all. And as I was doing so, I was crying on the inside because there wasn't enough blue cheese on my salad. And all of this occurred because of the train jumper; if the train hadn't been delayed, my girlfriend and I would have arrived at Saladworks prior to the fat girl's shift.
A miniscule amount of blue cheese is definitely a bad omen. It was actually the worst omen of the day. Everything was ruined because that douche decided to commit suicide. I'm still depressed. In fact, maybe I should just jump in front of a train so I can ruin everyone's day.