When I posted my Jerks of the Week two Mondays ago, forum member mpg1995 suggested that I "should make Jerks of the Week more football-related."
My Jerks of the Week section will always be a place where I rant about all kinds of jerks, from my evil neighbor's kids, to fat men who steal my breadsticks. However, there was just way too much going on in the NFL to ignore this week, and I guess because this is a football site, I should acknowledge some of the NFL's jerks.
So, here you go, mpg1995. Your wish is granted this week. But for the rest of you, don't worry - I'll have a huge rant about Jolly Ranchers and other dumb things next week.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: ESPN
If you've been a long-time reader of this site, you might be thinking, "Oh no, here he goes again - yet another rant about how much ESPN sucks... and I bet he's going to mention NFL Primetime not being on the air anymore too."
Well, you're right. This is another rant about how much ESPN sucks, but for a completely different reason (though I'm willing to bet I go off on a tangent and mention NFL Primetime... let's see how many paragraphs I can go without doing so.)
Tragedy struck Philadelphia on Tuesday afternoon when Jim Johnson, one of the best defensive coordinators in NFL history, passed away after a long battle with cancer. When I announced the news on the forum, many members went to ESPN to hear about the news. All of them were disappointed.
Forget even covering Johnson's death; ESPN didn't even mention it for a while because it spent hours talking about Brett Favre's decision to re-re-retire - something I'll get to later. But the fact remains that many forum members pointed out that they wouldn't have even known about Johnson's death if it didn't flash on the bottom line.
I went to find out for myself if this was true. I tuned into ESPN News after coming home from the gym (no old, Russian cock-blocking perverts this time.) They mentioned nothing about it in the lead-in, but as soon as anchor Jonathan Coachman said, "There were tons of emotions around the NFL..." I thought he'd get into Johnson's death and I'd have nothing to write about.
I was wrong. They jumped into the completely boring and overplayed Favre story that spanned seven minutes of the 30-minute show. After that was done, the next logical step was to go into the Johnson death. Instead, they showed Rays-Yankees and Braves-Marlins highlights. That's right - they showed f***ing Braves-Marlins highlights before even mentioning Johnson's death!
ESPN News then indicated that it was cutting to a commercial break, but before then, the illiterate Coachman teased us with, "more Brett Favre news coming up!" I nearly debacled my TV.
ESPN has always sucked before, but they've reach a whole new level of ineptitude. It was completely irresponsible not to bring this story up, and the company should be ashamed of itself. Instead of doing a good job, ESPN gives us endless Favre coverage no one cares about, brought to you by a Jonathan Coachman character who can barely read off the teleprompter. Oh, and let's not forget about the cancellation of the real NFL Primetime, as well as the hiring of analysts who are morons (Emmitt, Michael Irvin, Keyshawn, Eric Young), incredibly annoying (Merril Hoge) or just really uninformed (Mark Schlereth, Trent Dilfer).
(Side note: I lasted 4.5 paragraphs without mentioning how ESPN debacled NFL Primetime. I'm very impressed with myself.)
If you're tired of reading my anti-ESPN rant, I don't blame you. Forum member Joey Potter was even more enraged than I was about the situation. Take a look:
You know, my family in the last 60 years has had more than a few run-ins with cancer and not all have won the fight. I've lost both a grandfather to cancer, a step father to leukemia, my dad was a 20 plus year survivor of bladder cancer before he died 3 years ago, my cousin has cancer, and two weeks ago we found out my great aunt who I am closer to than anyone else on the planet had a cancerous paulup removed from her chest and is going through kimo 5 days a week for the next six weeks. Then I turn into this site and see that Jim Johnson has died of cancer and I am extremely saddened that this terrible disease has claimed another life.
Then I tune in to ESPN and see everyone fawning over the news that Brett ****ing Favre is going to be doing absolutely nothing this year. They are making a big deal because a ****ing self serving prima donna is staying where he already was and doing absolutely **** when a man that is the best defensive mind football has seen in 20 years has died of Cancer. What the **** is wrong with those bastards! They should be spending those thirty five minutes they spend on that piece of **** honoring Johnson's life and career not on Favre's a** when he is not doing ****. That isn't news. That is a few seconds on a bottom line confirming what we already know. That really just pisses me off to no end that they would spend thirty plus minutes on that when a man who showed loyalty, integrity, and courage both in the sport and in life is dead of some terrible disease and he only gets what a minute dedicated to him. That is bull ****, absolute BULL ****!
Of course, Joey Potter and I are just two voices. What do we matter? Well, we're not the only ones who are disgruntled with ESPN. Here were some other comments made on Tuesday:
TheDustyFootPhilosopher: Wow, RIP. SHUT UP ABOUT FAVRE ESPN!!! Other stuff has happened.
SilentJaguar: Just terrible. Saw it on ESPN's Bottom Line while they're running the Favre non-story into the ground.
Wraith36444: I think the front page of ESPN says it all. Main story, Brett Favre, last seen throwing away a game to Andre Goodman. 7th Story on the right is the passing away of Johnson. Despicable ESPN. ESPN better make jerk of the week honors for this.
Descendency: The Favre love is ridiculous. The man dies and he can't even be the front story.
Mpg1995: Wow this hit me hard. I have lost all respect for ESPN now.
Eagles4Life: It's really despicable what ESPN and NFLN are doing.
Jetsfan857: Come on, ESPN, Jerks of the Week? Here's a better idea - ESPN for Jerks of the Month or Jerks of the Year.
And this was just from my forum... imagine how many other people are pissed off about this. ESPN has sunk to a whole new level - which before this week I didn't think was possible.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Brett Favre
ESPN hasn't gotten the message, so hopefully they're reading this:
No one cares about Favre anymore. No one! Well, actually, that's a lie. There are seven people who care about Favre: Favre himself, his wife, his daughter, Peter King, Jared Allen, John Madden and the one delusional Viking fan who thought he'd make a positive impact on the team this year.
Forum member Injured Reserve had a great take on the aforementioned Favre coverage:
I do not even get why anyone cares about Favre anymore. I am so tired of all this. Jim Johnson coached with grace and when his cancer crept up on him, he graciously backed out of the spotlight to continue his fight. I am sad to see him go, the Eagles will not be the same without him. He deserved more time than a washed-up child, who has been overrated his entire career.
This quote epitomizes how annoying Favre has been:
"I truly, truly believe it's over," Favre said. "But if someone calls Nov. 1, who knows?"
Way to contradict yourself in the same sentence, you jerk. If it's over, it doesn't matter what happens on Nov. 1... and if you're planning on annoying everyone on Nov. 1, then it's not over. Just make up your damn f***ing mind!
In case you're one of the seven people I mentioned above, and you still don't know why Favre qualified as a Jerk of the Week, I'm going to treat the rest of this entry as if I were Favre:
I'm going to move on to the next Jerk of the Week now. Well... should I move on to the next jerk, or should I keep talking about this one? Not so sure. I'd ask my wife and daughter, but I'm just going to ignore what they say. But all right, I truly believe I'm done talking about this jerk, but when I start the next sentence, who knows what could happen? OK, I'm taking out my phone, and I just texted Peter King and told him that I'm done with this entry. Oh, but I should mention that I also texted my agent Bus Cook and told him that I'm not done. Oh gosh, I just don't know whether to keep typing or to stop. If I keep typing, I may not be able to finish this paragraph, but if I stop typing, I may want to start typing again, but by the time I stop, it might just be too late. Maybe I can stop typing now and start typing on Nov. 1. Who knows?
I just came this close to shooting myself in the skull.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: NFL Network
Instead of bashing the NFL Network for their Brett Favre coverage, or mentioning how most people can't see the channel, I'm going to give the reins to e-mailer Arjun, who writes for All Things Sports.
How the hell has NFL Network not made your Jerks of the Week yet? First, they let Adam Schefter (the greatest thing to ever happen to the network) go to the evil empire. Now, I have to tune into ESPN if I ever want to get Schefter's insider news.
Every summer, NFL network does this series called NFL classics where every week they show a full replay of a classic game from the past. Well this year, they all got high with Ricky Williams and decided to show a bunch of boring, s***ty playoff games from the past couple of years that nobody would ever be particularly interested in seeing.
Third, and most importantly, why have they taken so long to hire Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin? It's a win-win: NFL Network would debacle all the other networks in terms of ratings, and we as football fans will never cease to be entertained. Can you think of anything more entertaining than The Playmaker, Emmitt Smith, and Jamie Dukes giving "analysis" for a full hour on total access? I'd give Rich Eisen $9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 if he could keep a straight face for the entire show. That thought alone has me just as excited as Al Davis would be if he could sign Usain Bolt (who could probably run a faster 40-yard dash than Glandor) to a contract. It is cruel and unusual punishment for NFL Network to deprive the public of this kind of entertainment!!! At the very least they are one of the Jerks of the Week.
I couldn't have said it any better myself.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 4: Roger Goodell
I nearly lost my mind when I heard that all four of the Around the Horn panelists were not only for the QB Dog Killer reinstatement; they were also against any sort of Roger Goodell suspension. Then again, I shouldn't have been so surprised to hear that sort of opinion from a group of old, myopic, stubborn sportswriters (and I'm saying this as a fan.)
Overlord Goodell made a huge mistake by reinstating QB Dog Killer, and has lost a ton of credibility in my mind. Now, if you're asking whether I feel the same way about Donte Stallworth, my answer is no - not that the lives of a couple hundred dogs are anywhere near as important as a human life, but consider what I wrote in the forum when QB Dog Killer was reinstated:
What Stallworth did was terrible, there's no denying that, but he didn't mean to kill a man. He didn't get behind his wheel and say, "I'm going to run over the first person I see Muhahaha!" Stallworth's crime was an accident. A horrible accident, but an accident nonetheless.
What QB Dog Killer did was intentional. He wanted to kill hundreds of dogs, and did it as brutally possible. He took pleasure in it; otherwise, he would have just shot them instead of drowning and electrocuting them.
QB Dog Killer's actions are those of a deranged psychopath. He did inhumane things intentionally, and that's the difference between he and Stallworth, and that's why QB Dog Killer should never be allowed to step inside an NFL locker room ever again.
There is no way QB Dog Killer was truly remorseful. You don't go from killing hundreds of dogs, to spending a year in jail, to being completely fine. Yes, QB Dog Killer served his sentence, but the fact remains that he's a deranged psychopath who should be in a psych ward receiving treatment. That's the only way QB Dog Killer can ever be truly remorseful - if he spends a year or two in a mental facility where trained professionals help him become a human being.
Instead, Overlord Goodell gave permission to NFL GMs to sign QB Dog Killer. That would be fine if all of the general managers were smart, but as we've seen over the years, that's hardly the case. About a third of this league is completely clueless. One of the teams is even run by the undead.
If some dumb team eventually signs QB Dog Killer, I'm willing to bet the former Falcons quarterback gets arrested or suspended a short time afterward.
Forum member BoblobLaw had a great a post regarding a potential problem with signing QB Dog Killer:
I really don't get this. People seem to be focusing too much on the dog fighting here to get why this decision is one of the dumbest things any league has ever done. The dog fighting makes [QB Dog Killer] a horrid person who will cause huge PR problems that make him not worth re-instating. But the guy ran an inter-state gambling organization and is now bankrupt. How in the hell do you let a guy in that position come back into a situation where he could potentially affect the outcome of games that get so much money bet on them? I don't see how his presence on the field doesn't count as a threat to the integrity of the game, or why he isn't viewed as a threat to throw games to get himself out of debt. I mean, what is Goodell going to do next, hire Tim Donaghy to ref the games because his illegal gambling was in another sport?
And if QB Dog Killer doesn't get in trouble for pulling a Pete Rose, consider this from InjuredReserve:
Being able to murder animals is a major early indicator of a psychopath. It is an enormous risk to allow a potentially dangerous person back into the national football league. For all we know his crimes could escalate over time. He has said again and again that he never thought what he did was wrong. That is an even scarier thought. That shows that taking a life does not register any sympathy from him. These facts point to a potential murderer in the future.
In case you haven't noticed, I haven't called QB Dog Killer by his real name. And rest assured, I never will ever again unless he spends some time in a psych ward. In my opinion, he lost his name when he committed inhumane actions countless times.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 5: New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
On the other side of the spectrum, New York District Attorney/New York Idiot Who Likes to Waste Time and Money Robert Morgentheau wants to send Plaxico Burress to prison for two years.
Really? Two years? Let's examine what Burress did wrong:
1. Owned an unlicensed gun (Oh noez!)
2. Shot himself in the thigh (Doh!)
3. Tried to hide the gun (Derrrr!)
Burress is a moron, but he doesn't deserve any jail time. He shot himself in the thigh, embarrassed himself and lost his job. I think that's punishment enough.
Sending Burress to jail for two years will cost approximately $60,000 of taxpayer money. If Moregentheau wants to pay the 60 grand himself, he can go ahead with the charges. But I'll be damned if some of the money hard-working Americans earn has to go to fund this ridiculous "crime."
Morgentheau is a clown who is just trying to make an example out of Burress, and has thus turned this trial into a kangaroo court. Burress' attorneys should be able to push for a mistrial and get off with nothing more than a slap on the wrist. Per the Constitution, everyone deserves a fair trial, right? Well, making someone an example doesn't sound too fair to me.
Instead of wasting taxpayer money, how about fining Burress and giving him probation? If I were running things, I'd make Burress wear a t-shirt that says, "Look at me, I'm the idiot who shot himself!" every day for the next two years. This would be much more effective than jail time - Burress would be humiliated, and would eventually smell really bad from wearing the same shirt every day.
Making a t-shirt like that would cost about $15, which is much cheaper than the $60,000 Morgentheau wants to charge taxpayers. If anyone should be going to prison, it's Morgentheau for being a moron.