I've discussed my trips to Tampa and the Jersey Shore over the past two months. However, in doing so, I've neglected to mention what's been going on in my area. I wrote this Jerks entry several months ago, but I'm publishing it now that my summer series are over.
My friend Hot Stuff always chides me for going to Neshaminy Mall. "There are so many better malls out there," she says. I couldn't disagree more. Neshaminy Mall is the best mall on the entire planet. Granted, I haven't been to many other malls, but that doesn't matter because Neshaminy Mall is the greatest. I've come up with four reasons why that happens to be the case:
1. It's right around the corner from my house.
2. There tend to be hot chicks there.
3. There's a food court with good restaurants.
4. I forget, but I had a fourth reason.
Oh, and a fifth item to note - I get tons of great writing material every time I go. It seriously never fails! I can go to Neshaminy Mall on any given day, walk around for a bit and see enough douche bags to compile a Jerks of the Week entry.
Of course, I don't just go to the mall to wander around and search for losers. I always have a purpose, I swear. I went to the mall on a Friday in June to buy a birthday present for my cousin. She's a Game of Thrones fan, but didn't have the fifth book in the series, so I figured I'd head on over to the Barnes & Noble store at Neshaminy Mall...
1. Frisbee Earring Man:
I'm always been torn about Barnes & Noble. I've never seen an attractive employee there. It's always a fat woman or some frail girl who looks like she's about to die of hunger at any moment. As I've stated before, if I were running a business, I would only hire hot chicks. Studies show that men are more likely to come back to a store or restaurant if the employees are good looking. OK, to be honest, I'm not sure if there were any concrete studies done on this, but I'm willing to bet it's true.
On the other hand, there are always hot women walking around Barnes & Noble. It's pretty unbelievable. I always get distracted and forget what I'm doing there. I spied some girl with short jean shorts and long legs, and I remember thinking, "What... where... where am I? Whose gift am I buying for Christmas again? Or no, is it Mothers' Day?"
It took me a while, but I finally snapped out of it and proceeded on my mission. While searching for a Dance with Dragons in one of the aisles, I stumbled upon some other George R.R. Martin books. I considered purchasing them, but they were about:
1. A riverboat captain in the Mississippi River
2. Some chick who flies
3. A guy in a spacesuit
No one cares about the Mississippi River; I'm not into flying; and I didn't see any signs of Captain Picard or Commander Adama, so I wasn't interested in that space adventure. I also didn't see the words "bastard" or "dragon" or "lemon cake" anywhere, so those books looked like a waste of time.
I grabbed the book and went to the register. There were two women ahead of me, whom I presumed to be a mother and daughter. The latter, who looked 20ish, was wearing a magenta tank top that was showing off her cleavage. I was a fan. I then looked down and saw something extremely odd - she had a bionic left leg. For any women reading this, here's the natural male thought process...
Would I bang her? She's hot from the waist up. But her bionic leg... Her other leg is nice though... but her bionic leg... how would that even work? Would she have to take it off during sex? Because I don't think I could handle that. Maybe I could concentrate on what she has from the waist up instead... yeah, that'd be good... but her bionic leg... where does it end, and if she takes it off, what does it look like where it's connected to on her body? No... no, I don't think I could handle it... but she is hot otherwise... so maybe I would... I don't know... so torn, so torn!!!
I was so deep in this thought process that I didn't realize this short, fat guy stepped in front of me. He had tattoos covering his entire body. Even more peculiar, he was sporting these giant, white earrings that resembled Frisbees. He had this obnoxious smirk on his face that made me hate him instantly.
Me: Hey, did you just cut in front of me in line?
Frisbee Earring Man: Yee, I'm juss tryin' to ask dis worka a question.
Me: So? I was here first.
Frisbee Earring Man: It juss gone take one second.
The cashier said "next please," prompting Frisbee Earring Man to approach her before I could respond.
Cashier: How can I help you?
Frisbee Earring Man: I'm tryin' to find a book on pastel art.
Cashier: That'll be all the way in the back.
Frisbee Earring Man: Aight, I'm also tryin' to buy a git certificate. I only got 25 dollaz, doe.
Me: Wait! You said you only had a question! I was here first!
Cashier: Sir, excuse me. I'm helping a customer. Sorry about that... We have $25 gift certificates!
Frisbee Earring Man ended up buying a gift certificate. Not only that; he spent a couple of minutes talking pastels to the cashier. He was such a dick that I wanted to tear off his stupid Frisbee earrings and fling them across the store. However, another hot chick walked by, and I completely forgot where I was again.
2. Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl:
I had some time to kill, so I walked around the mall, scouring for jerks. I didn't have any luck until I reached the other side of the building where a Boscov's is located. An attractive girl in a green dress looked at me and started walking in my direction. I would've been excited under normal circumstances, but she was holding a clipboard, which meant that she was there for a survey. I normally brush these survey a**holes away, but I was more than willing to talk to an attractive woman. See what I mean about that aforementioned study?
I would end up calling this chick Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl (you'll see why soon). Unfortunately, I was immediately turned off when I heard her voice.
Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl: Now, now, now, uhh, sir, would you uhh be so kind to uhh take part in a survey I'm conducting right now?
I had to contain myself from laughing because she inexplicably sounded exactly like Foghorn Leghorn from Looney Tunes. She had a thick, southern, manly accent, which took me by complete surprise.
Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl: Now, now, let me uhh, ask you a question, sir. How old are you, exactly, sir?
Me: I'm 30.
Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl: Now, now, let me just say that uhh, that surprises me, sir, you look much, uhh, younger than that, sir. Now, let me ask you another question right now. Do you, now, do you purchase multi-purpose cleaners for your household, sir?
Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl: I say, I say, that surprises me, sir, so you've uhh, never purchased, any sort of multi-purpose cleaners, now, sir?
Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl looked at me like I was insane. She was clearly thinking, How the hell do you clean your house? Well, I'm an unmarried man living by myself. I have no idea how to clean, cook or even boil water. I have other people do that for me, like any other normal bachelor.
Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl: You, you, uhh, you of no use to me, sir, good day, sir, I said, good day, sir.
And just like that, Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl clucked away to find her next victim.
The thought occurred to me that I should've lied to Multi-Purpose Cleaner Girl. I should have made up some multi-purpose cleaning product that I bought and took her survey. Perhaps I could've even smoothly asked her for her number. However, there were two obstacles.
1. I can't name a single multi-purpose cleaning company or item.
2. Her damn voice. I can't bang Foghorn Leghorn... or can I...
She's damn hot... but she sounds like a freaking giant, southern rooster. Maybe she won't say anything at all. Maybe I can pretend to be into kinky stuff so I can gag her during sex. But what if she talks before I do that and I get turned off? Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I can pretend that Looney Tunes is on in the background while I'm banging her... but what if she screams like a giant, southern rooster during sex? I don't know... so torn, so torn!!!
3. Black Tyrion:
I noticed something depressing as I traversed the mall: Attractive women don't give me the time of day, while ugly people seem to pay way too much attention to me.
For example, I walked by the food court and spotted an obese woman with dyed red hair. She looked at me, twirled one of her hair curls and made a kissy face at me. I then quickly turned away to see a man in his 50s carrying a tray of food. He looked at me suspiciously with his squinty eyes, and even continued to do so as I wandered passed him.
Conversely, I was at Hallmark, looking for a birthday card for my cousin. I couldn't find any I liked - all of them were extremely corny - when I noticed that a pretty brunette in a striped dress was walking toward me. She smiled at me, and I smiled back. I took this as a sign that she wanted to talk to me.
"All of these cards are terrible!" I exclaimed.
Based on her smile, I figured she'd say something funny or nice back to me. Instead, she gave me a disgusted look and said nothing as she turned the corner. If she were a fat woman, she would've picked me up and taken me to the back room to make out with me, perhaps accidentally eating me in the process.
I was completely disgruntled by all of this, so I decided to give up and head back to the parking lot. On my way back, I spied Bionic Leg Girl again. The male thought process, again...
Maybe she can have sex with her bionic leg on. But would that help? What if she can't twist it some sort of way? What if it breaks during sex? Would I have to pay for it? Would Elmer's Glue put it back together? How does it feel? What if...
I suddenly found myself in front of a very short black man. He was standing at 4-foot-10 or so and wearing a New York Giants' t-shirt. He was with a black girl who was about six inches taller than him, but he had an angry expression on his face. I half expected him to say, "I'm the God of tits and wine," but entirely different words came out of his mouth.
Black Tyrion: Why you lookin' at my girl?
Black Tyrion: I said, why you lookin' at my girl!?
Me: I'm not looking at your girl. I'm looking at the other girls.
I didn't think before I said that. I immediately thought he might take it as a slight that I didn't find his girlfriend more attractive than the other women at the mall, but that didn't seem to register with him. He chose not to believe me instead.
Black Tyrion: What other girls? I ain't seened no other girls!
Me: That one over there - in the magenta tank top.
Black Tyrion: That girl got a plastic leg, you ain't lookin' at her! You lookin' at my girl!
Me: No, I swear! I think she's kinda hot!
Black Tyrion: Whateva man, you bess not be lookin' at my girl no more!
And just like that, Black Tyrion and his girlfriend stormed off. Bionic Leg Girl was also gone, and I never saw her again. Alas, the decision was made for me, but for the rest of my life, I'll be wondering if it's worth it to bang a hot chick with a bionic leg.