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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 20, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas

I always look forward to Christmas shopping. Do I like the warm feeling of finding the perfect gifts for my family? Meh. I love Christmas shopping because it gives me a chance to find jerks at the mall.

And yes, it's Christmas shopping. Not Hanukkah shopping; not Kwanza shopping; not Festivus shopping; not the dreaded winter holiday shopping. It's called freaking Christmas shopping, no matter what you celebrate. If I just offended you, then mission accomplished. I hate political correctness more than hippies, bums and the fat women at my gym who want to eat me.

This year, I'd like to present the Twelve Jerks of Christmas. I found 12 jerks in my two hours at the mall.


1. Red-Head with Hot A**

I like to get Flyers and 76ers stuff for my dad, whether it's an autographed puck or a personalized picture. So, I walked into the sports store, and I immediately noticed this red head in her early 20s with an amazing a**. Seriously, if angels saw it, they would cry. Unless they were gay (not that there's anything wrong with that.)

After browsing through the back of the store, I wandered toward the front again where the red-head was checking out various pictures. I guess both she and I realized there was nothing we wanted in the store, because we both left shortly afterward.

I then spotted a sports memorabilia table and walked toward it. The red-head apparently noticed it to.

I followed her over and began scanning through all of the items. I didn't know what to get, so I went around the table, inadvertently following her in the process. Eventually, she seemed to notice that I was right behind her the whole time, so I figured I should say something.

Me: I guess you don't know what to get either?

Red-Head with Hot A**: Hmph!

Red-Head with Hot A** gave me a disgusted look and walked away.

Damn it, I was THIS close to getting her number.


2. Action Figure Nerd

Moments later, I was looking through some Philadelphia Flyers autographed pictures. Suddenly, I noticed this blond chick who also had a great a** (but slightly worse than the red-head's).

Unfortunately, my viewing was interrupted by this annoying kid with glasses (about 14) who stepped in front of her. He and his mom were looking at some Philadelphia Phillies action figures, and I overheard their conversation.

Action Figure Nerd: This player is worth $10, mom!

Mom: OK, dear.

Action Figure Nerd: And this player is worth $15!

Mom: Just pick one out.

Action Figure Nerd: Aww what a rip-off, this is worth $20 and they're selling it for $30!

First of all, kid, how the hell do you know the prices of all these action figures? And second, how are you not distracted by that hot blonde? Stop living in your nerd world and get a life!


3. Brain-Dead Cashier

I finally decided what to get my dad - an autograph picture of the Flyers' new Russian goalie on a plaque. He's been ranting and raving about this Russian goalie, so I figured he would like it.

I brought the picture to the cash register. The cashier, a silver-haired man in his 60s, asked me if that was it. I thought about it for a second, and asked, "Actually, could I get the black Flyers coffee mug you have too?"

The cashier went around the table and grabbed a box. He opened it, revealing a clear Flyers beer stein. He looked at me and asked, "Is this what you want?"

Seriously, how the hell do you confuse a black coffee mug and a clear beer stein?

Me: No, I wanted the black coffee mug.

Brain-Dead Cashier: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Brain-Dead Cashier went around the table and disappeared for about a minute. He came back holding a Flyers shot glass.

Me: No, I don't want a clear Flyers shot glass. I want the black coffee mug.

Brain-Dead Cashier: Eh?

Me: Ugh, I'll show you.

I went around the table and pointed to the black coffee mug.

Brain-Dead Cashier: Oh, you wanted the coffee mug!

Jesus Christ.





4. Hollister Girl

I was done shopping for my dad. I didn't want to break the coffee mug and have to endure that entire ordeal again, so I decided to go back to my car.

On my way, I was stuck walking behind a man and presumably his 13-year-old daughter. I overheard their conversation:

Hollister Girl: I want to go to Hollister!

Dad: We'll go later.

Hollister Girl: I want to go to Hollister now!

Dad: Later.

Hollister Girl: I want to go to Hooollliiissstteeeeeeeeeeerrrr!!!

You know who doesn't want to go to Hollister? This guy - especially now that I know what sort of clientele they have.


5. Gay Nail Guy 2.0

Gay Nail Guy 2.0, a heterosexually challenged, well-dressed foreigner, is an upgrade over the original Gay Nail Guy I referenced two months earlier (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Just as I approached the food court, Gay Nail Guy 2.0 stopped me.

Gay Nail Guy 2.0: Jeeezz Chritthh do you have a wife or girlfriend?

Me: No.

Gay Nail Guy 2.0: How old are you, jeezzz chrith?

Me: I'm 28. Look, I know what you're going to ask me...

Gay Nail Guy 2.0: Jeeezz Chritthh, let me zee your nails. Hold out your hand, jeezzz chrith.

Me: No. I've done this before. You put some stuff on my nail and make it all shiny.

Gay Nail Guy 2.0: No no no no no you never do zis before.

Me: No. I've done this before.

Gay Nail Guy 2.0: You never do zis before. Come here let me show you.

Me: No, I know what you're going to do and I don't want any part of it!

Gay Nail Guy 2.0: OK, fine, you do zis before.

These guys are out of control, and each new edition of Gay Nail Guy gets worse. Gay Nail Guy 3.0 may just take over the world and turn every male into a metrosexual.

Look, I'm a straight man. I have no use for having shiny nails. In fact, I want the opposite of shiny nails. I want my nails to be as dirty as possible. I want them to be black. I want them oozing with pus and blood. I want them falling off. I want them anything but shiny. So to all the Gay Nail Guys out there, leave me the hell alone!





6 and 7. Sears Employees

I made it back to my car without getting my nails shined. I then walked back to the mall and headed toward Sears.

Before I stepped into Sears, I noticed two people on either side of the entrance yelling, "Donate to breast cancer research!" Luckily, I walked in with a swarm of people so they didn't have a chance to harass me.

I went up to the second floor and wandered into the electronics section. I spotted an employee - a guy in his 30s with long brown hair, glasses and a goatee...

Me: Hi, I'm looking for a Blu Ray player.

Sears Guy: She can help you out with that.

Sears Guy pointed to another Sears employee, a Spanish chick in her mid 20s.

I've never seen such a polarizing woman. On one hand, she had a cute face and an amazing body. On the other hand, she had a mustache, braces and dandruff in her hair. I was aroused, yet wanted to vomit at the same time.

Me: Hi, I'm looking for a Blu Ray player.

Spanish Sears Chick: OK, zeees vay.

I'm not exaggerating by saying "zeees vay." This girl could barely speak English. We walked toward the Blu Ray players. She looked through the boxes, which went sort of like this:

Spanish Sears Chick: Oh, I don't know eeef zeeees eeeez Bloooo Ray.

Me: It says Blu Ray on the box.

Spanish Sears Chick: But maybe zeees eeeez not Bloooo Ray.

Me: But it says Blu Ray on the box.

Spanish Sears Chick: What about zeeees one?

Me: That says Blu Ray too.

Spanish Sears Chick: What eeef zeeees eeeez Bloooo Ray?

Me: I'm pretty sure that's a Blu Ray player.

This exchange went on for about 10 minutes. She was finally convinced that the box I picked out contained a Blu Ray player. I paid for it and headed toward the escalator.

As I was walking back downstairs, it occurred to me that I should save myself the time and buy the new Donkey Kong Country Returns Wii game here rather than walk to the other side of the mall to Game Stop.

So, I went back upstairs. I didn't see the hot/obscene Spanish chick, but I spotted the goateed guy from before.

Me: Hi, I wanted to get a Wii game, but it's locked behind a glass case.

Sears Guy: OK.

I walked toward the Wii games. I turned around to show Sears Guy which game I wanted, but he wasn't there. He completely disappeared.

I went back and noticed that he was talking to Spanish Sears Chick. She then walked over to me and asked, "Eeez someseeeng wrong with Bloooo Ray?"

Oh, God.

Sears Guy is a lazy douche. Rather than just helping me, he walked all the way over to some illegal immigrant to get her to help me. It's bad enough that you're paying her 25 cents an hour; you could at least do some of the work.


8 and 9. Sears Layout and Charity People

Completely done my Christmas shopping, I went back down to the first floor of Sears.

"Now, all I have to do is get out of here," I thought to myself.

Easier said than done. I had no idea where I came in. I wandered one direction and ventured into the tools section, somewhere I had never been before. So, I turned around and eventually wandered into item pick-up section.

I seriously had no idea where I was. I felt like a lab rat stuck in a maze. I saw something that looked like the exit, but after walking toward it, I realized it was only a mirror.

I was ready to break down and cry, when I heard five magical words:

"Donate to breast cancer research!"

Yes! The exit!

I happily skipped over to the exit. Unfortunately, there were no other people to block me this time.

Annoying Guy: Donate to breast cancer research!

Annoying Girl: Proceeds go to Fox Chase Cancer Research Center!

Both people stared back at me. I thought about putting a dollar into their bucket, but there was something about the way they looked at me - like I was a scumbag or something if I didn't donate.

So, I decided not to donate any money. If they weren't so smug, I would have. But I just walked by with a wry smile on my face. Take that, douche bag cancer research supporters!


10 and 11. Kids at the Mall

Kids don't belong at the mall.

Case in point No. 1:

I sat on the bench right outside Sears typing stuff into my phone so I wouldn't forget anything for this Jerks of the Week entry.

As I was doing this, this little girl - she must have been 3 years old or so - was walking around crying. There wouldn't have been anything significant about this, but her mother, who was walking behind her, had a brown leash tied around this girl's waist.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This woman essentially decided to take her daughter out for a walk at the mall. And there weren't even any fire hydrants for her to pee on.

Case in point No. 2:

Immediately after the mom and daughter walked by, I heard the following behind me:

"I got raped 10 times on the ground!"

I quickly turned around. The person saying this was some 13-year-old Harry Potter look-alike. He had the bushy hair and glasses, only he was inexplicably wearing an eye patch under his glasses for whatever reason.

Really? You've been raped 10 times? I doubt it. I don't look like Harry Potter and I don't wear eye patches, yet I can't get any semi-attractive women to rape me. What a cruel world I live in.

At any rate, Harry Potter Eye Patch Kid spotted an elderly man walking out of Sears.

Harry Potter Eye Patch Kid: Hello mister!

Old Man: Meh!

Oh. You meant you were raped by old NAMBLA men 10 times. That makes more sense.

I guess I should alert No Space Man of this opportunity.


12. Fat Wrapper

I never wrap my Christmas or birthday presents. Why? Well...

1.I don't have any wrapping paper.

2. I don't have any Scotch Tape.

3. I don't know how to wrap.

It's true. I failed arts and crafts in grade school, so I was destined to suck at wrapping. I just can't do it. If I tried, there would be a greater chance that my house would explode than my gift actually getting wrapped.

As I was leaving the mall, I noticed that Barnes & Noble had a wrapping station. "Cool!" I thought. "I can surprise everyone by having their gifts wrapped this year. No more gift-giving in plastic bags!"

I walked over to the wrapping station and placed all my items on the counter. The lady behind it, a fat behemoth with a mole on her face, looked at me like I was an idiot.

Fat Wrapper: We only wrap gifts from this store.

Me: Really? But I'll pay full price for it. I really wanted these gifts wrapped.

Fat Wrapper: I'm sorry. We only wrap Barnes & Noble items.

Me: But... but I'll pay extra.

Fat Wrapper: I'm sorry. I can't help you.

What the hell? I was f***ing willing to pay extra, you fat whore!

Congratulations, Barnes & Noble, thanks to your fat employee and your idiotic policy, you lost out on some money.

Of course, the revenue loss is negligible when you take into account all of the Barnes & Noble snacks that Fat Wrapper consumes every day.



More Jerks of the Week:
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
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Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
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Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 2


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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