My girlfriend works at a personal-injury law firm. She tells me these amusing stories about how stupid some of her clients are. For instance, one guy got into an accident and quit his job at a grocery store. He then called my girlfriend's office to ask for a stipend because he didn't have any money to pay his rent. He figured he would instantly receive payment from the insurance company, but apparently didn't realize that it would take a long time. My girlfriend asked him why he quit his job at the grocery store, but he didn't have any sort of appropriate answer. All he said in response was that she sounded hot. I'm not making this up.
One more story: A guy called the office about a month ago. He said that he had a dilemma. He bought a car he couldn't afford and then didn't insure it. He wanted to know if he could get insurance on it after he got into an accident. Yeah, because some insurance company is going to happily pay for his accident without receiving any sort of compensation from him beforehand.
This may sound ridiculous, but my girlfriend gets dozens of calls like that each week. I told her she can publish a book comprised of these stories once she's done working at that job, but she just hates talking to those people because it's so mind-numbing. I then tell her about some - not all - of the people who write on my comment boards (check out what some lunatic Jet fans are saying on my 2015 NFL Mock Draft). We then discuss how terrible it is that these idiots seem to be multiplying.
But then it hit me - what if the majority of the population was this stupid the entire time? What if we just weren't exposed to these individuals? After all, the people who get into accidents are probably stupid, so my girlfriend gets to interact with them five days per week. Meanwhile, morons who write crazy crap tend to be the loud minority, so they come to me because I publish my opinions on a Web site.
Facebook and Twitter have also done their part in exposing how stupid some people are. For example, in the first Internet Idiots entry, I posted some Facebook posts I found on a friend's wall:
Im bout to go HAM!!! cause I feels as tho y'all n***a light CHEESE!!!!
Every gurl is beautiful but not every gurl cute
whats the rap s ong things it s like and every thing i do reminds me of u ? u playd it in ur car today ?
In my second Internet Idiots II, I listed some new-age TBH haikus that morons on Facebook were posting. Here were two of my favorites:
tbh let me know when we chilling
tbh you fresh
tbh you cool as s**t
tbh were boys
Tbh your chill
Tbh me you a jojo gatta chill this summer
Tbh hmu bro
Bro rate 8
It's been a year since my previous Internet Idiots entry, and based on what I've seen on Facebook and Twitter recently, these Internet Idiots are dumber than last year's batch.
More TBH Haikus
If you thought that the TBH haiku phenomenon was 2013's fad, you're sadly mistaken. TBH haikus are more prevalent than ever nowadays. People with single- and double-digit IQs post TBH haikus on each other's walls every single day. I managed to find the 10 most hilarious (or rather, pathetic) TBH haikus, so here they are:
1. Tbh your gay
You have no friends
Your still gay
Wow, what an a**hole. I do like how he indicated that there was a possibility that the person he was talking to could become "ungay" during the middle four-word sentence. If I were the person he was talking to, I would respond with the following TBH haiku:
Tbh I am gay
I do have friends; you just don't know them because they're gay like me
My gay friends will tie you up and insert their wangs up your buttocks
You will scream in agony
I'm still gay
Maybe this idiot will think twice about being a douchebag homophobe.
2. Tbh I saw you in the office lol
Tbh you seem nice
What this guy meant to say was: "Tbh I saw you in the office when I was spying on you from afar with my binoculars. I then followed you home and watched you undress through the window while I jerked off teeheeheehee!"
3. Tbh ur a cutie
Tbh quads or na?
Tbh ima text ya soon
Thanks for the heads up about the future text - so you can be ignored.
What's up with "quads or na?" By my estimation, this pervert is asking the person if they either want to study quadrangle geometry tonight or work on their quadriceps muscles at the gym. I'm 50-50 on both possibilities, tbh.
4. Tbh Hey
You seem really cool
I still want my tbh inbox
"To be honest, hey?" What's so honest about saying "hey?" Could you be lying about saying "hey," as in "Hey, actually I didn't want to say hey to you."
Oh, and keep waiting on your "tbh inbox," loser.
5. tbh idk u
u seem chillin tho
This is a pretty existential TBH haiku. How does this person know if the other is "chillin" if they don't know them? Does this TBH haiku artist have a sixth sense where they can determine if a person they don't know at all is "chillin" or not? If so, that person can give that kid from the Sixth Sense a run for his money.
6. Truth is, i havnt talked to u in a wile an things kinda became different but ur chill an u still have to do my tbh!
OK, this is not a TBH haiku, but it belongs here. How pathetic is this individual, as he's pleading and begging for someone to post a TBH haiku on his wall? No wonder no one wants to do his TBH.
7. Its raining... Tbh, maybe?
Speaking of existential TBH haikus. Is it raining? Yes? No? Maybe? And are you being honest about your answer?
We hung out once
Whose chill? Oh, your chill.
Sadly, any idiot who has ever composed a TBH haiku has absolutely no idea what I'm talking about.
Tbh:we dont talk
Tbh:sorry if this was short
Umm... why would you talk if you don't know each other? And why would this person begin talking to you if you post such embarrassingly short TBH haikus on their wall? It's like the effort isn't even there. Go away. Just go away.
OK, this is just lazy. Constructing TBH haikus is bad enough, but slamming on the keyboard and writing random letters as a consequence is a new low. Hell, I can do it with my eyes closed:
eroih oig eoirn oerin
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now a TBH haiku artist!
Sand in the Vag Mafia
There are four types of people online. The first is comprised of idiots who write TBH haikus on each other's walls and moronic Jet fans who harass me on my Web site. The second includes all of the normal people. There aren't many of us, sadly. The third belong in a group I like to call the Sand in the Vag Mafia.
As the title implies, those in the Sand in the Vag Mafia are people who are a**holes because they have sand in their vages that is irritating them. I saw a prime example of this when a friend on Facebook posted the following on his wall:
I Facebook messaged a girl who was totally out of my league in high school with a simple, "Hey, how are you?" I have changed a lot since high school. I'm happy, healthy, and successful. Well...she blocked me. I guess things haven't changed since high school. I'm still the "creepy guy." : P
I hate people who block people, refuse to friend others or defriend someone on Facebook. It's like "ooohhhhh you're soooo cool." Just confirm someone's friendship request. You're not that important.
Generally, those in the Sand in the Vag Mafia spend all day scouring social media (preferably Twitter), looking for something the least bit offensive so they can jump all over it. Ironically, these people are the true scumbags, as I discovered during the Adrian Peterson Tweet debacle.
The Sand in the Vag Mafia was in full force during the recent Donald Sterling incident. Yes, Sterling is a douche, and yes, it's probably best that Sterling is removed from ownership - but only because he's a maniacal dick who treats his employees like crap. There have been stories about Sterling firing people in April and bringing them back in October so he wouldn't have to pay them for the five months when there was no NBA action.
But banning Sterling for life because of a racist comment he said in private is incredibly stupid and quite scary, and if you're a true American, you agree with me. The Sand in the Vag Mafia demanded for him to be gone though, just because they have sand in their vages. I was so eager to tweet something like, "So, an incoherent 80-year-old man said a racist comment privately? Boo hoo. Go cry me a f***ing river. It's not the end of the world." But that would have just led to another Sand in the Vag Mafia attack on me, and I don't have the energy to deal with those idiots. I don't like racist people, but I don't have vomit pouring out of my mouth whenever I hear a racist statement. I just don't really care.
Here's another Sand in the Vag moment involving NBA racism:
For those unfamiliar with Twitter, this is Jason Cole (above) responding to something Rep. Pat Garofalo said about NBA players. As soon as Garofalo said this, the Sand in the Vag Mafia mercilessly hounded him until he apologized. I hate apologies - I refused to give one for the Peterson tweet - because they're meaningless. I wasn't sorry at all, so why should I say it? Why should I apologize for the Sand in the Vag Mafia having too much sand in their vages? As for Garofalo, do you think he was really sorry about what he tweeted? Of course not, so why should he apologize? I feel like an apology is more insulting to everyone's intelligence than anything.
And let's discuss that tweet for a second. Was it really racist? We can assume so, but what if Garofalo was referring to poor people, since most NBA players come from backgrounds without any sort of wealth? In that case, it's classist instead of racist, but it's a proven fact that poor people commit more crimes than rich people. Also, about a quarter of the NBA is white. What if Garofalo truly believes that white NBA players would commit crimes too? Sounds stupid, but we don't know this for a fact. And I don't know about you, but J.J. Redick looks like the type of guy who would rob a liquor store if he wasn't so busy playing basketball.
So, is Garofalo racist? Probably, but no one knows that for sure. But do you know who's racist? The Sand in the Vag Mafia! Yes, Cole and the losers who hounded Garofalo are 100-percent racist. Why? Because they inferred that Garofalo was discussing black people as those who would commit crimes. They automatically made the connection between black people and crime, so they are the true racists. Unfortunately, there is no one to jump on the Sand in the Vag Mafia except for the normal people, and us normal people have better things to do - like block people on Facebook who write TBH haikus.
I mentioned that there are four types of people online. The fourth is annoying spammers. Well, they're usually annoying, at least. Sometimes they are so stupid that it's hilarious. Here's an example; someone I follow on Twitter named Will posted the following e-mail he received:
Yeah... Will sounds like a recently divorced successful single woman to me. I've been following Will on Twitter for years, so I'm proud of him for being a recently divorced successful single woman.
Linia responded with a super long e-mail with details about how much money I'd receive and how we'd split it. I'm not going to post it because it's the same, typical spammer BS. Here was my response:
Unfortunately, I haven't heard back from Linia yet. Maybe she Googled "Donald Sterling" and realized that I was screwing with her. I'm still holding out hope that she responds though. After all, spammers, like most people online, are idiots.
I guess I'll have to practice my TBH haikus as I wait for Linia to get back to me.
tbh your taking to long to answer my email linia
tbh linias gay but cool
tbh efihwegh woirghogh iue ib htoben nskd jbfdb
tbh bro rate 8
tbh linias still gay but not cool nemore
Wow, I hate to brag, but I'm like some sort of TBH haiku prodigy.