I hate cell phones. No, wait, that's not entirely accurate. I hate people who are obsessed with cell phones.
It seems like I have the same conversation with a different person every single day:
Random Person: OMG OMG OMG OMG I HAVE SO MANY APPS ON MY PHONE OMG OMG OMG LOOK AT MY APPS.
Me: No thanks.
Random Person: I GOT SO MANY SO MANY APPS OMG OMG OMG HOW MANY APPS DO YOU HAVE OMG I BET I HAVE MORE APPS THAN YOU OMG.
Me: Uhh... I don't have any apps.
Random Person: OMG OMG OMG HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY APPS YOU NEED TO GET SOME APPS OMG OMG OMG.
I hate these people. All my phone does is call and text, and I'm fine with that. I don't want any apps, and I don't need any apps, got it, a**holes?
Unfortunately, these people won't leave me the hell alone. I was talking to some dude who went to my high school at a bar last week, and we had the following exchange:
Fellow Alumnus: You won't believe how many apps I have on my phone, man!
Me: I don't have any apps.
Fellow Alumnus: What!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Me: Dude, look at my phone. Does it look like it can handle any apps?
Fellow Alumnus: That thing is like pre-historic!
Fine. It's pre-historic. Who the hell cares? I like my phone. I don't need to use my phone to connect to the Internet or check my e-mail. That's what a computer is for. Like I said, all I need to do is call and text people, and I don't even like calling and texting. So just leave me the hell alone - all of you!
I blame stupid phone commercials for making everyone so crazy about owning a high-tech phone and 5,000 apps. There are so many of these ads, I don't even know where to begin.
I guess the thing that annoys me the most is that every time I see these commercials, they always talk about something like "3G network" or "4G network." Hey, Verizon and AT&T, how about explaining what the hell a G is? And how do I go about finding out how many G's my phone has? I bet it has zero G's, but it would still be nice to know if I ever decide to get an upgrade in 10 years.
The worst commercial currently on the air is some Verizon ad where three douche bags attempt to download something onto their phone before a rocket blows up a "4G hot spot," whatever the hell that is. Here's the Verizon Commercial if you haven't seen it.
OK, Nerd No. 1, what were you able to download? Solitaire? Great. Have fun playing that awesome game by yourself, loser.
Hey, semi-hot chick with the sombrero, what were you able to download? Gulliver's Travels? How interesting. How about you come over and we read it together, giggity, giggity?
And you, Nerd No. 2, what were you able to download? What? A photo? Well, congratu-f***ing-lations. I hope you enjoy your photo while the semi-hot chick with the sombrero reads Gulliver's Travels with me.
Seriously, how pathetic is Nerd No. 2? He was the last one to finish, yet he was the one who downloaded the crappiest thing. Maybe he's just slow, or maybe he was staring at the semi-hot chick with the sombrero's rack and was distracted. That has to be it. I refuse to believe someone can be that inept.
Speaking of the semi-hot chick with the sombrero's rack, I just got to thinking - maybe Nerd No. 2 is secretly a genius. Perhaps this photo was no ordinary jpeg; maybe it was a pornographic picture.
If so, Nerd No. 2 has outsmarted us all. He would have the most fun with his download. Hear that, Nerd No. 1? While you're playing your precious Solitaire, Nerd No. 2 will be whacking off to his porno picture. I hope you're happy with your dumb game.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Baseball Robot
I've never understood why people are so scared about robots taking over the world. I've watched all these dumb movies like Will Smith's I, Robot and I just shake my head.
First of all, if robots take over the planet, it's going to be cool. They'll make awesome laws because they're smart. In this new cyborg world, there will be a flat tax and no IRS. More importantly, Mexican robots won't be allowed to come into America. Oh, and it would be great if robots encouraged hot chicks to rape men.
You see? We should all welcome our new robotic overlords because they'll make this world a better place.
Unfortunately, that's never going to happen. Why? Because real robots are pathetic.
I was excited to hear that a robot would be making the first pitch at last week's Phillies game. And not just any robot - one made at the prestigious University of Pennsylvania. I expected some monstrous robot with a massive arm that could throw the ball at 500 mph. Maybe even 1,000 mph.
I made sure I tuned into the Phillies game that day. My palms were sweating in anticipation. I even held off looking at porn for this momentous occasion.
Well, I didn't see a robot throw the ball at 1,000 mph. Not 500 mph. And certainly not even 5 mph. Take a look at this pathetic display from Baseball Robot.
You see, people? Robots are going to take over the world. They can't even f***ing reach home plate.
Some thoughts about this epic fail:
1. Why didn't the University of Pennsylvania announce that it was building a female robot? That way, they could have seriously tempered expectations and not drawn as many boos from the crowd once the drunk fans watched the robot throw the ball like a little girl.
2. Speaking of boos, I'm glad the crowd reacted that way. Some douche bag on YouTube commented, "Booing a guy who makes cool stuff like this? Stay classy Philadelphia." Cool stuff? What cool stuff? I could build a piece of crap like that, and I don't even know how many G's my phone has.
3. I used to date this girl in high school. She had a male friend named Max who was always jealous of me because he secretly liked her. A year after she and I broke up, I was drunk and on AIM when Max IMed me. I don't know why we were talking about our GPAs, but I mentioned I had a 3.1 in my first semester at Penn State.
He LOLed. "You're such a loser!" he said. "I have a 3.8 at UPenn, and you don't even have a 3.5 at a stupid state school!"
After watching Baseball Robot disgrace itself in front of thousands of fans, I think we can all agree that the University of Pennsylvania is a farce. In fact, the school should either shut down immediately, or at least kick Baseball Robot's designer out of school and issue a public apology.
I'm proud not to be associated with this crappy robot or the University of Pennsylvania. Who's the loser now, Max?
4. Who gets laid less frequently, Nerd No. 1 from the Verizon commercial or Baseball Robot's designer? I'd say they're tied for last place in that category.
5. I just realized that since robots will never take over our planet, hot chicks won't be encouraged to rape men anytime soon.
That made me really depressed.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: People Offended by Slurs
When I grow up, I want to be a famous athlete.
I don't want to be a famous athlete for the money, though I'd love to blow my millions on gaudy, worthless jewelry so I could be bankrupt in a few years.
I don't want to be a famous athlete for the all expensive cars. I hate driving. And besides, Angry Black Man told me I'm not supposed to be on the streets. (More on Angry Black Man later).
And I don't want to be a famous athlete for all the gold-digging sluts. I can always find a couple of whores at my local bar.
The reason I want to become a famous athlete is for the press conferences. If I had cameras in front of my face, I'd lash out at the media at every opportunity. My tirades would be legendary. I'd make Dennis Green look like a little girl.
I'm really usually calm about stuff, but some things just really piss me off. For instance, Kobe Bryant was recently chastised for calling an NBA referee a "f***ing faggot" during a basketball game. As soon as the media found out about this, there was chaos. Kobe was fined $100,000. He also had to issue a public apology for all those he hurt. Meanwhile, the Gay Alliance (not that there's anything wrong with that) announced that it would be working with the NBA to stop all homophobic slurs in basketball.
Am I alone in thinking this is a little ridiculous? Fining someone six figures for calling another man a "faggot?" Spending lots of money to make sure this never happens again? How about everyone just relax? It's not the end of the world. Pathetic baseball robots aren't going to take over our planet because Kobe called some ref a "f***ing faggot."
I'm actually really disappointed in Kobe. I wouldn't have issued an apology of any sort. Here's what my response would have been:
Look, when I called the ref a "f***ing faggot," I didn't mean to insult anyone. I don't hate gay people - not that there's anything wrong with that. But I'm not apologizing to anyone because there's no reason anyone should have been hurt by this. Is some gay person in Wisconsin not going to be able to sleep at night because I called some other man a "f***ing faggot?" No. So, leave me the hell alone.
Of course, I wouldn't be able to stop there. Like I said, I want to be a famous athlete so I can lash out at the media...
I blame all you f***ing idiot liberal reporters. No one cares that I called that ref a "f***ing faggot" except for you douche bags. No one! Whatever happened to "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me?" No one is hurt by this because no one gives a crap except for you God damn a**holes who want to save the world.
Oh, I'm not done...
Because all you loser reporters get sand up your vagina every time someone uses a slur or a stereotype, I'm going to do it more often to prove to you douche bags that it doesn't matter. Look, there's an Asian guy. I bet he and his 2 billion identical twins are good at math and have small wangs. Look, there's a black man. I bet he's very athletic and drinks orange soda while eating watermelon. Look, there's a Mexican guy. He must either be smoking weed or sneaking into this country. Look, there's a white man like me. I bet he can't dance and has a smaller wang than the black man.
Now, are all Asians, blacks, Mexicans and white people emotionally distraught because I said all of those things? No! Because no one gives a damn except for you a**holes. You always make this out to be bigger than it should be when no one else cares. Take the dildos out of your f***ing a**es, and go rot in hell, f***ing faggots!
See what I mean? I would be an awesome athlete. Let's just forget that as a white man, I'm very unathletic and uncoordinated, OK?
JERK OF THE WEEK UPDATE: Angry Black Man
I received tons of great feedback for last week's Jerk of the Week, Angry Black Man. One person who didn't like it, however, was Angry Black Man's girlfriend.
I was playing basketball on Saturday - horribly, of course, because I'm white - when I checked my phone in between games. Angry Black Man's girlfriend texted me, "Take down the conversation you had with my boyfriend, or I'm going to contact my dad's attorney."
1. Angry Black Man's girlfriend was so upset at Angry Black Man for sending me meaningless threats that she asked me to have my lawyer send him a cease and desist letter to "teach him a lesson."
2. Angry Black Man's girlfriend said she planned on breaking up with Angry Black Man. She sent me this text:
"WOW... Wtffff, dnt say anything but Im seriously considering dumping him. He is acting like a psycho."
So, I got the sense that Angry Black Man's girlfriend would like that Jerks of the Week entry because that, in a sense, would teach Angry Black Man a lesson too.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Angry Black Man's girlfriend de-friended me on Facebook, but I still compromised with her; I said I would keep the conversation up, but would censor all names and pictures. That's why you won't be able to see Angry Black Man's name and picture if you look back at last week's entry.
Why did I do this if I can't be sued? Maybe it's because I'm a nice guy. Or maybe - and this would be the more likely scenario - if robots do take over the world and encourage hot girls to rape men, I would want any hot girl avoiding me because of Facebook conversations I post on my Web site.