If you're lucky enough to live in warm weather, you may not have heard that the northeast part of this country was pelted with massive amounts of snow recently. Three Fridays ago, we were hit with 27 inches. Four days later, 17 more inches of snow debacled us. So, if you're too lazy to use your nifty Windows calculator, that's 44 freaking inches of snow in a span of a couple of days!
Everyone on my street was shoveling snow that Saturday and Thursday. Well, everyone except for me. My friends/neighbors Drew and Schmidty even joked that I should nominate myself as a Jerk of the Week because I was sitting inside while everyone was shoveling snow. But hey, I have two three four excuses:
1. I had work to do on this site.
2. I'm too fat to shovel snow.
3. I don't like snow or any other cold stuff.
4. I've had back problems in the past and didn't want to re-aggravate anything.
See? Four great excuses! I will not be a Jerk of the Week this time, guys.
Unfortunately, the weather here sucks, and since the snowstorm, it hasn't been warmer than 40 degrees. So, the snow has just been barricading my car the entire time. In fact, Drew sent me an e-mail two weeks after the snowstorms:
I still want you as Jerk of the Week when everyone but you was shoveling! Since you can't move your car, you can't go to the gym to lose the 500 pounds you put on these past two weeks.
OK, I made the last part of that sentence up. But I'm not a Jerk of the Week. You know who is a Jerk of the Week besides the snow? Any kid between the ages of 10 and 14 in my neighborhood, that's who.
When I was that age, my friends and I would go around shoveling snow for money. We made lots of cash, especially when someone would pay us in advance, allowing us to run away without shoveling anything. Muhahaha.
But where are these kids now? Two massive snowstorms, and not a single knock on my door from a fat kid asking for food in return for shoveling my car out.
I find this ridiculous. I have tons of food in my house. I have Pringles (barbeque kind - awesome), Doritos, Cheetos, Oreos, beer and any other kind of snack you can dream of. I'm like the wicked witch from Hansel and Gretel, only instead of eating the children, I was more than happy to give away some of my snacks to a fat kid for shoveling my car out.
Unfortunately, no fat kid ever came. Oh well. Now I can eat all of these snacks myself. NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: The City of Philadelphia
With 44 inches of snow barricading my car, I wasn't able to leave my house for three weeks. At first it wasn't so bad, but after a while, I went a little crazy. First, everything started spinning. Then, I had a conversation with both of my dogs in English (I think). And after that, the walls began to bleed.
Actually, it wasn't that bad. I was able to get a lot done for this site, and I watched like three full seasons of Married with Children.
This past Friday, I was working on the site (or scouring the Internet for porn - can't remember which one) when I was interrupted by the sound of bulldozers outside my window. There were like four of them, and they were plowing all the snow on the side of the road into large clumps.
"Yes!" I thought. "They've come to dig my car out from under the snow! And I didn't even have to give any of my barbeque Pringles away!"
Almost immediately, I received a phone call from my friend/neighbor Schmidty.
Schmidty: "Yo Walt, do you see the bulldozers outside? You should probably move your car."
Oh no, they weren't here to dig me out? Crap, am I going to have to bribe them with my barbeque Pringles?
Schmidty: "They announced that they're cleaning up the streets in Philly, and that anyone whose car is in their way will get fined. There's a police wagon going around with the bulldozers."
Me: "Fined? How much? And when did they make this announcement? I didn't hear anything!"
Schmidty: "I don't know how much the fine is, but they made an announcement on the news."
Me: "News? Who the hell watches the news? The news is stupid!"
As I was finishing my conversation with Schmidty, one of the bulldozers was right near my car. It moved some snow near it. Then, I looked at the guy working the thing. He glared angrily at my car, and then moved on to the next house. Meanwhile, the police wagon slowly drove by.
I had no choice. There were no fat kids coming to help me, so I was going to have to dig out my car myself. I quickly threw some sweats on, grabbed a shovel and ran over to my car. I dug frantically***. Sweat poured down my forehead. My heart beat 500 times per second. I think I lost my eyesight temporarily. But I was eventually able to throw enough snow onto Drew's sidewalk to get my car out. Unfortunately, at that moment, all the bulldozers were now a block away. I tried waving them over, but that didn't work. Defeated, I slumped into my house and ate some barbeque Pringles.
I haven't received any sort of fine in the mail yet, but I'm expecting one. I read online that it'll be anywhere between $50 and $300. Awesome. I could have paid some stupid kid $10 to shovel my snow; now I might be forking over 30 times that amount.
Two things anger me here. First, if this crappy city makes some sort of announcement like that, it should do something more than just let people know through the news. I don't think anyone watches the news anymore - not with DVRs and TV show DVDs. I'm too busy watching Married with Children to tune into the stupid news.
And second, a fine is ridiculous - especially considering how high the taxes are in this city. Taxes here are about 6 percent, and if you own a business, you have to pay the following year's taxes in advance. So, if you open a business in March for example, you would have to pay your 2010 taxes AND your 2011 taxes in April 2011. Great incentive to keep businesses in this city, you morons!
Now, on top of that, they're handing out ridiculous fines for not shoveling your car out of 44 inches of snow. What if I were an old man and didn't have the strength to shovel? Would the city fine me then?
What if I were a pregnant woman, and shoveling 44 inches of snow would hurt my baby? Too bad - $300 fine!
And what if I were a fat Pringles-loving Web site owner who was too lazy to dig my car out? Oh, wait, I covered that one already.
***Epilogue of Jerks of the Week No. 2: I injured my back digging out the snow. I can barely walk right now. For any lawyer people reading this, can I sue the city? I wouldn't have dug my car out if I didn't feel threatened by the fine. I feel as though I should be able to collect some cash. Either way, I'm glad that I'm moving out of this crappy city this summer. Via con dios, corrupt Philadelphia government douche bags!
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Tiger Woods Sympathizers
When watching or listening to Around the Horn, I usually think about what I would say if I were on the show. For instance, when they were talking about figure skating for some reason on Friday, here's what my take would have been:
"That one guy twirled around and whirled around, and got some points from the judges. Then the other guy spun around and hopped around, and got some points from the judges. I can't remember which guy won, but it was the one who had the most points."
There's no better figure-skating analysis than this. None. And by the way, my friend Larry and I discovered a way to fix figure skating so it would be a real sport, and not one officiated by corrupt judges. I'll have that for you next week.
At any rate, the Around the Horn panelists earlier were discussing Tiger Woods' "apology" to the national media. Here were some of their thoughts:
"I'm shocked by the criticism when it comes to a human being standing up, giving an apology, putting himself out there, admitting his flaws in front of the entire world ... I can't imagine anything way more difficult than what he did ... This guy apologized, and what more can you ask from a human being?" - Michael Smith.
"I thought it was honest. I thought it was raw emotion. I thought it was surreal. But I don't think he did it for you and me; I think he did it for himself, his wife and his family. This was the ultimate sacrifice for Tiger." - Gene Wojciechowski.
"Tiger Woods' wee wee look yum yum." - Tim Cowlishaw.
Just kidding, Cowlishaw.
"I think what we saw today was a man who was genuinely speaking from the heart." - Woody Paige.
Give. Me. A. Freaking. Break. And yes, I had to invoke a barrage of one-word sentences. I can't believe four respected sportswriters would fall for this charade.
This press conference was a joke, and it served one purpose - for Tiger to get his endorsements back.
Here's exactly what happened: After Tiger was caught, all of his women came forward and a lot of his endorsements were lost, the star golfer had a meeting with his PR staff. They created an outline, which looked something like this:
Lay low for a few months so the hype dies down. With some luck, maybe some other sports star will do something dumb so the attention gets deflected away (thanks, Gilbert Arenas, for bringing your entire gun collection to an NBA arena - very cunning.)
Enter rehab. Yes, most people know that sex addiction isn't a real disorder (or all men would be victims). And most people are aware that those sex addiction "rehab" clinics as a reprieve for those caught cheating on their spouses. However, the media will eat this up. They will think that there's genuinely something wrong with you. They'll believe it wasn't your fault. The naive sportswriters will tell their readers that after rehab, you won't want to bang every woman you meet (which of course, won't be true.)
In the middle of the Olympic games, we're going to have a press conference where you apologize to your family and your fans. Make this sound real and try to show some emotion for a change, please. With some luck, enough people will buy your bulls**t and think that you actually care about your wife. Ha!
Don't answer any questions at this press conference. This may anger some journalists at first, but once they hear your somber voice, they'll forget all about that. Hopefully some guy like Gene Wojciechowski will think that you're making an ultimate sacrifice or something. Yes, that's good. He'll surely be on Around the Horn during the Olympics.
Go back to "rehab" for a month or two. Make people believe that you're trying to get better for your family.
Start playing golf again. Do a minor tournament first because you'll probably be rusty. After that, start playing the big ones. Once you start dominating again, you'll slowly but surely get all of your endorsements back. It worked for Kobe, didn't it?
And Tiger, for the love of God, please keep your wang in your pants. And if you can't do that, please wear one of those glasses-nose-mustache disguises so the women don't know who you are. If you get caught again, it'll be hard to pull this plan off a second time.
Brilliant, huh? Don't give me credit though; this was basically Kobe Bryant's game plan, but instead of the rehab, there was a $4 million diamond ring involved.
But I guess that's because there was one woman; and not 50,000.