I have an update on someone I wrote about a couple of months ago. If you're fat and lazy like me, and you don't feel like clicking the link, there's this 70-year-old man at my gym who talks about how he bangs chicks who look younger than his 25-year-old son's girlfriends. With a horrifying Boston accent, he says things like, "Walta, you wouldn't believe the gool I'm dating, she so beautiful, she looks younga than the gool my son's Brian's dating!" and "I have a pictcha of ha in a bikini on my phone, let me show it to ya, Walta, you going to see how much of a knawckout she really is in ha bikini!"
I try to avoid him as much as possible, telling him that I'm in rush, or whatever, just so I don't get sucked into a time vortex by talking to him for a half hour about the young girls he's dating. Not that I don't want to commend him for somehow successfully hitting on girls nearly half-a-century younger than him, but it's the same damn process every time. Yes, I get it, you land babes who were born when you were 45. Congratulations!
We've talked briefly though in passing recently, and our short conversations have been markedly different. Here's how it'll typically go:
Creeper: Hey Walta, how ya doing?
Me: OK, kind of in a rush though, since it's the NFL season and all, and I don't have much time to do anything.
Creeper: I undastand, Walta, you look like you're in great shape!
Me: Oh, really?
Creeper: It looks like you've been wahking out quite a lot, haven't ya, Walta?
Me: Eh, not really.
Creeper: I don't know how ya do it, but you look like ya in great shape, Walta!
It'd be fine if this sort of exchange happened to be a one-time occurrence, but we have the same, brief conversation every time I see him. A few thoughts on this:
1. I'm really not looking like I'm in great shape. I gain weight during the NFL season because I'm working at my desk for 80-plus hours per week. I have only three days to work out, so I'm an obese monstrosity by December, especially after two Thanksgiving feasts (one at my girlfriend's, one at my parents').
2. I kind of miss the pictures of the "gools" in the bikinis. Maybe the chicks he was banging settled for an even older man, if that's somehow possible.
3. Is it realistic at all that this guy turned gay in his final years? I know you're born gay/straight, but this guy is rich, so perhaps he bought a gay machine where zapped himself and suddenly liked dudes. I only suggest this because he constantly remarks on how fit I am, almost as if he's trying to hit on me.
Look, not that there's wrong with seducing another man and then taking him back to your bedroom and inserting a long, juicy kielbasa into his backside, but I'm just not into that. Not as long as I don't get zapped with a gay machine, anyway.
At any rate, there are, of course, several other jerks from my gym worth mentioning. One happens to be another old guy, though he doesn't bang 20-year-old chicks - at least not to my knowledge - nor does he tell me that I'm looking sexy. In fact, he's more likely to do the complete opposite.
I first encountered this guy as I was getting changed. He was talking to another old man. This second geezer was Russian, and he didn't seem to comprehend what the first one was saying. The first guy, whom I would later dub the Master of Insults, continuously shouted about how dirty the pool at the gym is.
"Why would anyone swim here!? The pool's too dirty! It's disgusting! Anyone who comes out of that filthy pool is disgusting! I wouldn't even want to touch them with a 10-foot pole, that's how disgusting this pool is!"
Uhh... so why do you go here, and why are you in the pool locker room, bud?
Master of Insults kept yelling at the old Russian guy, but the latter didn't speak English at all. Master of Insults grew frustrated as a result. He began yelling things like, "Learn English, you idiot!" and "It only takes one word per day to learn English!"
Master of Insults eventually noticed that I was paying attention to their conversation, so he shifted his focus onto me.
Master of Insults: This Russian guy is an idiot! Such an idiot!
Me: Really? Why?
Master of Insults: Because he doesn't know any English! How can you be in America and not know any English!?
Me: I don't know.
Master of Insults: All it takes one word per day! Learn one word per day! Today, learn "hello." The next day, learn "goodbye." The next day, learn "sauna."
Ah yes, the three staples of the English language: hello, goodbye, and sauna. Any immigrant entering this country absolutely has to know all three.
Master of Insults continued to rant about the Russian guy...
Master of Insults: Do you want to know how I know this guy is such an idiot!?
Master of Insults: Because all he has to do is learn one word per day! Just one word! And he can't even do that!
Master of Insults: How difficult is it to learn one word? Just one word! That's all he has to learn, and he can't even do that! All that idiot can speak is Russian! What good is that going to do him in America!? He can speak to his relatives, but that's it! He can't speak to anyone else! Isn't he the biggest idiot you've ever seen!?
Me: I don't know... I've run into some stupid people.
Master of Insults: What? How can you say that? This guy is such an idiot!
As Master of Insults continued to shout, I noticed that the old Russian guy was staring at him and giving him dirty looks. Apparently, Master of Insults underestimated him. Hopefully the old Russian guy keyed his car later on.
Anyway, Master of Insults eventually began ranting about how it's ridiculous that the sauna wasn't working. Given that I just came from the sauna, I had to tell him that he was wrong.
Me: The sauna is working fine right now.
Master of Insults: How do you know that?
Me: I was just in there.
Master of Insults: No, you weren't.
Me: What? No, I was just there.
Master of Insults: I don't believe it. You're lying to me!
Lying? About being in the sauna? Why would I do that? This is obviously a part of my ruse to make Master of Insults waste his time entering a non-functioning sauna. How could he possibly see through my plan!?
Me: Why would I lie to you about being in the sauna?
Master of Insults: Because you're a young person!
Me: What does that have to do with it?
Master of Insults: Young people don't go in the sauna! Because young people are idiots!
Right... how could I possibly forget the correlation between going into saunas and intelligence? You know, scientists have studied mice, and they've determined that the smartest rodents are those that like to spend time in the sauna. True story! OK, maybe not.
At any rate, some other old guy had to interrupt our conversation to tell Master of Insults that the sauna was, in fact, open. Master of Insults cracked a smile.
Master of Insults: I'm very surprised that you went into the sauna!
Master of Insults: Because most young people are idiots who don't like to go into the sauna, but you're a smart, young man who likes to go in the sauna!
I love how Master of Insults went from "all young people are idiots" to "most young people are idiots," simply because he learned that I, a young person, by his standards, went into the sauna. It's as if his mind was completely blown.
I ended up talking to this guy for about 10 minutes, just to gather information for Jerks of the Week. In between insulting the old Russian guy a bit more, he told me that he belongs to another gym, but he also goes to this one just to use the sauna. That begs the question, if he assumed that the sauna was closed, why did he bother coming into this gym in the first place? And why didn't he just check to make sure instead of assuming that he wasted time driving over? His actions made very little sense, but he's smarter than everyone, apparently.
Smarter than NFL quarterbacks, too. As I was leaving, I said, "Have a good weekend." His response:
"It'll be a good weekend if the Eagles win! But Mark Sanchez is an idiot! Such an idiot!"
Sanchez apparently doesn't like to go into saunas.
I have one other person to write about. It's a fat woman in her 70s I've seen in the gym on countless occasions. I've never heard her say a single thing until a recent Monday. I just finished my workout and was stretching against the wall when I heard her yell at one of the kids who just arrived for swim lessons. She was screeching at the top of her lungs.
"WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING FLIP FLOPS!? YOU NEED TO BE WEARING FLIP FLOPS!!!"
The kid, who was about 8, looked like he wanted to cry. The woman in charge of the lifeguard lessons, who happens to be a nice lady - she has allowed me to swim in one lane despite the fact that she rents out the entire pool - came over to see what was going on. I listened to the entire conversation.
Old Woman: TELL THESE KIDS TO PUT ON FLIP-FLOPS!!!
Swim Lesson Woman: Why? It's their choice if they want to or not.
Old Woman: THEY NEED TO PUT ON FLIP-FLOPS, OR ELSE THEY CAN'T SWIM!!!
Swim Lesson Woman: Why can't they swim without flip-flops?
Old Woman: BECAUSE IT'S AGAINST THE RULES!!! IF YOU DON'T MAKE THEM WEAR FLIP-FLOPS, THEY CAN'T SWIM!!!
Swim Lesson Woman: These are poor kids who can't afford many things, so some of them don't have flip-flops.
Old Woman: IF YOU DON'T TELL THEM TO WEAR FLIP-FLOPS, I'LL TELL THE LIFEGUARD SO THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO SWIM!!!
Swim Lesson Woman: Fine! Go tell the lifeguard!
The old woman, whom I will now refer to as Flip-Flop Enthusiast, waddled over to the lifeguard, a girl in her 20s, who just started working there.
Flip-Flop Enthusiast: TELL THESE KIDS TO WEAR FLIP-FLOPS!!!
Flip-Flop Enthusiast: IT'S AGAINST THE RULES IF THEY DON'T!!!
Lifeguard: It is? I just started working here, so I don't know all the rules yet.
Flip-Flop Enthusiast: HOW CAN YOU WORK HERE AND NOT KNOW THE RULES!!!
Yes, I'm sure the people who run the gym mentioned it to the lifeguard, but she just wasn't paying attention. "You have three priorities, lifeguard! One, save people who are drowning. Two, check the chlorine levels to make sure the pool is safe. And three, for the love of God, make sure all people entering the pool area are wearing flip-flops!"
What is this bogus rule, anyway? I've been going to this gym for nearly two decades, yet I've never once seen a sign that says all patrons must wear flip-flops. It doesn't make much sense, anyway. So, if you forget your flip-flops, you're just not allowed to swim? How dumb of a rule would that be?
Anyway, I continued to listen to Flip-Flop Enthusiast yell at the lifeguard...
Flip-Flop Enthusiast: HOW CAN YOU JUST SIT THERE AND NOT TELL THESE KIDS TO WEAR FLIP-FLOPS!!!
Lifeguard: Sorry, ma'am, I don't see why they need to, and I don't see this rule on the board there.
Flip-Flop Enthusiast: SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL YOU THE APPROPRIATE RULES!!!
Lifeguard: Well, if they aren't written on the rule board, then I can't do anything about it.
Flip-Flop Enthusiast: IF YOU DON'T TELL THESE KIDS TO START WEARING FLIP-FLOPS, I'M GOING TO TELL THE FRONT DESK!!!
Lifeguard: Then go tell the front desk, then.
Flip-Flop Enthusiast stormed off into the locker room. Now that all of the drama was done, I didn't need to hang out at the pool anymore, so I gathered my stuff and went into the locker room. I rinsed off and then got changed. As I walked out of the building, I passed by the front desk, where Flip-Flop Enthusiast was barking at the woman sitting there.
Flip-Flop Enthusiast: THE KIDS AREN'T WEARING FLIP-FLOPS, AND THE LIFEGUARD ISN'T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!
Desk Worker: I don't know what to say, people don't have to wear flip-flops if they don't want to.
Flip-Flop Enthusiast: BUT THEY ARE VIOLATING THE RULES!!! THEY ARE VIOLATING THE APPROPRIATE RULES!!!
Flip-Flop Enthusiast pleaded her case, but to no avail. Alas, she would be forced to share a pool with kids who don't wear flip-flops.
If I cared, I would have assured her that she could at least go into the sauna without any worries. That's because none of those kids would go into the sauna. Young people don't go into saunas because they are idiots, after all.