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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011




Jerks of the Week for Aug. 29, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Bubble Bobble

I haven't seen the fat ladies at my gym pool in a very long time. That's because I haven't been to that gym in months. I know some of you might be disappointed, but I've joined a new gym.

Now, before anyone sends me hate/depressed e-mail about this, let me point out that I'm still a member at my old gym. Why join a second gym then? Four simple reasons:

1. My new gym is basically right around the corner from my new house. My old gym was a lot closer to me at my old place, but now it's a good 12-minute drive with an annoying intersection (Bustleton and Byberry) to navigate through during rush hour.

2. I like to go swimming in the afternoon during the summer - since it's hot, it's obviously nice to jump into a pool - but my old gym closes its pool between 9 and 5 on weekdays because of stupid camp.

3. The new gym actually has hot chicks. Not just fat ladies and old dudes in the locker room with their wrinkly balls flopping around; there are actually attractive women!

Seriously, the first time I saw a hot chick at the pool, I was extremely confused.

Me: Uhh... umm... uhh... umm...

Hot Chick: Yes?

Me: What... are you?

Hot Chick: I am a hot girl!

Me: Uhh... umm... uhh... umm... I would like to extend to you, an invitation to the pants party.

Hot Chick: Excuse me?

Me: The pants. The party... with the pants.

OK, it didn't exactly go like that. She was wearing a Penn State swim cap, so that gave me an opportunity to talk to her. Unfortunately, I was too mesmerized by seeing a hot chick at the pool that I didn't really pay attention to what she said. Something about patches, or a patch, I think? I found her quite interesting.

4. I don't want to be eaten by a fat woman at the pool. Is that too much to ask?

I went back to my old gym this past Tuesday because the pool at my new gym was closed for repairs. To my surprise, there were no fat women wading in the pool or wobbling on the deck. Perhaps they noticed that I stopped coming and went hunting for game elsewhere.

I jumped into an empty lane and began my mile. About a quarter of the way through, I spotted what looked to be a corpse by one of the walls. I stopped to make sure the old man was OK.

Me: Hey man, are you all right?

Man: I blow bubbles!

He said this in a very thick, Russian accent. Apparently, instead of swimming laps like a normal person, his workout regimen consists of submerging himself underwater and blowing bubbles. They should do this on the Biggest Loser. They'll be down to sub-200 pounds in no time.

Let's call this guy Bubble Bobble, as homage to the awesome, old Nintendo game. Several laps later, Bubble Bobble was now sitting underwater with one leg crossed over the other. I just had to ask...

Me: Are you still blowing bubbles?

Bubble Bobble: Yes, I blow bubbles yeeesssss!!!

His "yeeessssss" seriously lasted like five seconds. It was ridiculous - but not as ridiculous as what happened several minutes later. During one of my laps, I nearly crashed into Bubble Bobble because he left the wall and was floating in the center of the lane. I stopped inches short of smashing into him.

Me: Dude, can you please move to the side, or back to the wall?

Bubble Bobble: Yes, I blow bubbles!

And with that, I now have a fifth reason for joining a new gym.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: The Black Belt of 2020

The day before I encountered Bubble Bobble, I was told the pool at my new gym would be undergoing maintenance all week. The pool water was super cloudy, so this gave me an opportunity to go to the front desk.

I'm a fan of my new gym's front desk because the chick who has been working there the past two weeks is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She's a blonde with a really pretty face and a great body. I'm not completely sure what her name is, but that's not important because I'm in love with her. I actually think her name is Sarah, or something - I heard her answer the phone, "Hi this is ***** Gym, Sarah speaking" - but this may have been a ruse to keep me from Facebook stalking her. Damn it all.

At any rate, I told her the pool water was cloudy, and she then relayed the message to her boss. I thought about talking to her some more, but the phone rang, so I left. As I was walking to my car, I noticed the dumbest bumper sticker ever on a blue van in the parking lot. Words won't do it justice, so I found it via a Google search:

Future Black Belt

Future Black Belt? What kind of bulls*** is that? You haven't accomplished anything. You hope to accomplish something, but since you've yet to do crap, you don't deserve a f***ing sticker.

I just can't believe how stupid this is. First of all, when do you plan on becoming a black belt? The word "future" isn't specific. It could mean next month, or the year 2020. What if you're cryogenically frozen, wake up in the year 3058 when the alien Zarlox is ruling our planet, and get your black belt then? I suppose that counts, right? What a load of crap.

And second, you don't see any parents putting stickers on their cars that say "My son is a future high school graduate" or anything. Too many people here want credit for stuff they haven't accomplished. That's why our country is going to hell. The stupid, snot-nose a**hole kids who want to be black belts without working hard at becoming black belts will be the same douche bags who grow up and leach off the government.

But I digress. I'm thinking about making the following stickers so I could put them on my car:

1. Future Billionaire:

One of my goals is to become a billionaire. According to these pious Future Black Belt people, I can declare myself a Future Billionaire despite no guarantee that I'll actually become a billionaire.

2. Future Oreo Eater:

I love Oreos. Unfortunately, I'm having issues with my stomach right now, so eating them wouldn't be such a good idea at the moment. But I do guarantee that I will eat Oreos in the future.

3. Future Sarah Dater:

In addition to becoming a billionaire and eating Oreos, I plan on dating Sarah in the future. Oh, and there won't be any Facebook stalking involved - because my sticker will say so.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Smelly Swim Coach

I'm friends with one of the lifeguards at my new gym. I've known him for a long while, but I had no idea he worked there until I saw him the first time I walked in. I won't name him because I don't want to get him into trouble, but he gave me two tips about this new place:

1. "Come to the pool between 1:30 and 3:30 because there are always lanes open." Camp takes up the pool between 12 and 1, and it gets crowded after 3:30 because people are getting off work and the swim coach takes up two lanes.

2. "Hold your breath when walking by the swim coach - because he is smelly."

My friend actually said this in front of the swim coach.

Friend: He really stinks.

Me: Sssshhhhhh!!! He's right there!

Friend: Don't worry about it. He doesn't speak English. Watch this - hey you?

Smelly Swim Coach: Mmmmyeeesss?

Friend: Do you speak English?

Smelly Swim Coach: English? Ehhh... noo... Russian!

I've tried to follow my friend's advice, but I arrived at the gym one Friday at 4:30ish because of all the free agency stuff that was going on in the NFL a couple of weeks ago (the day of the Nnamdi Asomugha signing). To my chagrin, the entire pool was full. Well, four lanes were. The other two were occupied by Smelly Swim Coach, and he had just one kid in each lane.

This angered me, so I started complaining to a guy in his 60s who was also waiting for a lane to open up.

Me: This is crap! Can't that swim coach just put both kids in one lane to open up more room for us?

Older Guy: Well, he does pay for those lanes...

Me: I know he does, but the nice thing to do would be to consolidate his lanes so we could swim.

Older Guy: He makes an honest living and should be able to use his lanes however he wishes.

Me: NO! HE'S BEING AN A**HOLE!!!

Smelly Swim Coach was within earshot, but I wasn't concerned. As my friend said, he can't speak English, so he didn't understand me.

Anyway, I befriended Older Guy, and we decided to hop into the other pool. This second pool wasn't designed for swimming; the temperature is maintained at 90 degrees, and the pool is only 10 meters in length. In other words, I can get from one wall to the other in just five or six strokes. That pool is there for old and/or fat women to do water aerobics.

The good news was that this pool was relatively empty; save for two fat women talking in the corner, it was just me and Older Guy. The bad news was that I didn't get much of a workout even though I swam for about 25-30 minutes. Part of the reason was the short length of the pool. The other part was that the fat women got in my way.

About halfway through the workout, the fat women made their move. They left their corner and wobbled toward me. I'm not going to lie to you; I was scared. I didn't see any silverware in their hands, but fat women at the pool are known to swallow their victims whole.

These new fat women weren't interested in eating me, however. Their goal was to walk to the pool stairs, grab their towels and roll their way to the locker room. This still was an issue though, because they had to cross my path to get to the stairs. They didn't stop and wait until I swam by though; acting like complete douche bags, they just kept walking, and I almost swam into them.

Trying my best not to get caught in their gravity well, I pulled back. This was extremely difficult, since they caught me by surprise, and as a result, I started choking on some water that I accidentally swallowed.

When I stopped choking, I had the feeling that someone was staring at me. I took off my goggles and looked up. It was Smelly Swim Coach, and he was laughing menacingly at my expense. So, I guess he does understand English after all. What a stinky, sneaky liar.

I've been careful ever since. If he hears one more insult from me, he may actually command the two fat women to devour me. And then, it'll be like I never left my old gym.




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Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
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Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Sept. 30


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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