I'm the worst with directions. In my first-ever Jerks of the Week entry (scroll down for a link) I mentioned that I went to my ex-college roommate's wedding. Well, that was in Hershey - a little less than two hours from Philly - so I needed directions. I usually use Map Quest, but I was running late, and for some reason had Google Maps open, so I printed out their directions.
When I got off the Pennsylvania Turnpike, the directions told me to make a right. Once I did that, I didn't see any of the street signs I was looking for, but I was on the fourth street that the directions listed, so I thought I was OK. Well, after about 20 minutes, I decided to pull over and call my friend Duff (no relation to Hilary). After giving him my intersection, he plugged it into his GPS. My stomach sank when he said, "Hey, you've been going the wrong direction for 20 minutes. Turn around."
I wanted to get to the wedding early because I heard that the groom's family would be pre-gaming before the ceremony. Without any booze in my system, I'd have to sit through a whole ceremony completely sober. The horror.
So, I turned around and kept driving. I went past the turnpike and I still couldn't find the second and third streets. Fortunately, I knew I was going the right way because I eventually was in an area where the lamp posts were shaped like Hershey Kisses. For a fat man like me, it was a dream come true.
To get to the hotel, I had to make a right onto Mill Road. I drove a while and didn't see it, so I turned around. I drove the other way, couldn't find it and then turned around again. I went back my original route and found Penn State-Hershey instead. I had to call Duff again. This time I was pissed.
"These f***ing directions suck! I can't find f*** Mill Road. This f***ing road doesn't f***ing exist!" I shouted.
Duff, who at that point, called himself my "GPS B***h," turned on his GPS.
"Yeah, you're gonna have to backtrack and make a left onto Ridge Road," he said.
"Ridge Road!? What the f*** happened to f***ing Mill Road? What the f*** is going on here!?" I yelled back, at that point understanding that I wouldn't even have a drop of beer before the ceremony.
So, thanks to the completely inept Google Maps, I got to the hotel but didn't even have enough time to go up to my room. I had to leave everything in the car and drive over to the ceremony with Duff, his girlfriend and our mutual friend, who happened to have a GPS. We got there just as the maids of honor were about to walk down the aisle.
Throughout the night, I told this story to everyone I knew, and every single person had the same response, "You don't have a GPS? What the hell is wrong with you? The first thing you do once you're home, get one!"
Luckily, my sister has one. We were invited to our friend's college graduation party, which was at a catering hall outside of Philly. So, we took her GPS and plugged in the directions...
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: GPS
I planned on drinking heavily, so I made my sister drive. We were driving north on Route-1 and were told to make a slight right, which happened to be an onramp onto I-95. This didn't seem right, but one does not question the GPS.
As soon as we got onto I-95, it asked us to make another slight right, taking us off the highway and onto Route-1 South.
"Umm... I guess it's on the other side of the Boulevard," my sister said.
We got off I-95 and were now heading south. Another slight right in 0.3 miles!
This took us back onto I-95. At this point, we were completely confused, and it got worse when it asked us to make another slight right. We got off the highway and we were right back where we started - north on Route-1. We essentially just made a figure-eight.
So, did we take the wrong slight right? Nope. As soon as we got back onto Route-1, the GPS told us to make a right in one mile, onto Crown Way road.
"What the hell's on Crown Way road?" I asked. "I thought it was just some office building."
Sure enough, that's exactly what it was. The GPS told us to keep going through the parking lot, and after driving for about a half a mile (big complex), we were suddenly off the GPS grid. Instead of being on a road, we were on a completely black area, and the triangle (representing our car) kept spinning around in circles. It's as if we were erased from existence.
So, we backtracked and turned back onto Route-1. The GPS then changed its mind again, telling us to make a right onto Southampton Road. We did that, and after leading us in the wrong direction again (it told us to go left when we should have gone right), we finally arrived.
We were an hour and 15 minutes late, but we were fortunate enough to get there right as they were serving food. Better yet, there was an open bar all night. As I drank myself into oblivion, I forgot all about the horrors of the GPS and Google Maps. Good times.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Harper's Island Characters
For those of you who haven't heard of Harper's Island - which wouldn't be surprising because no one watches CBS - it's a show about a wedding party on an island. The catch is that there's a killer amongst the characters, and at least one person dies every episode. The series finale is in two weeks, and I'm still completely unaware of who one of the two killers is.
It's a great show, and I'd recommend buying the DVD. The only problem I have with it is how stupid some of the characters are.
Now, you may be thinking, "It's a horror flick, Walt. The characters are bound to do stupid things." Well, you're right, but these idiots take it to a whole new level.
In one scene during Saturday's episode, one of the killers breaks down the door of a bar where about six of the characters are hiding. The only male in the bar has a knife, while the hottest chick of the remaining five is armed with a shotgun.
The killer runs over to the bartender and stabs her twice with his extra-long knife (almost a short sword). While this is going on, you would think the two armed characters would do something. Perhaps the Knife Guy would run over to the killer and stab him in the back. Or maybe the Hot Chick with Shotgun would attempt to shoot the killer in the back of the knee, so that if the bullet went through his body, it would hit the floor; not the bartender, who still might miraculously be alive.
But that's way too easy and logical. Hot Chick with Shotgun quickly shouted, "Quick to the bathroom, there's a window there!" Meanwhile, Knife Guy just stood there with his mouth wide open. The only thing he didn't do wrong was Tweet during the murder ("watching hot bartender get slayed, don't know what to do: http://bit.ly/3D9nlr"), and that's only because the killer was smart enough to somehow block all cell phone signals on the island. I'm not making this up.
So anyway, once the bartender is officially dead, Knife Guy decides to attack the killer with his small weapon, even though his blade is two feet shorter than the killer's (insert "size doesn't matter" joke here.) Ultimately, Knife Guy gets debacled.
Meanwhile, Hot Chick with Shotgun runs to the bathroom and tells all of her friends to get out. Instead of leaving herself, she stands there and aims the shotgun at the door. Once the killer breaks down the door, she finally musters enough courage to pull the trigger.
Click. No bullets. Fail.
The killer smiles and approaches Hot Chick with Empty Shotgun, but then is distracted by Knife Guy, who is somehow still alive. The killer laughs, turns around and debacles Knife Guy some more, allowing Hot Chick with Empty Shotgun to escape.
Now, you might be saying, "Aww, cut the Hot Chick with Empty Shotgun a break; she's probably never used a gun in her life." And that's fine, except for one thing: KNIFE GUY WAS A HUNTER AND USED THAT SHOTGUN TO HUNT DEER EVERY TIME!
There is no explainable reason as to why an untrained woman was given a shotgun. Knife Guy should have been packing the heat, or at the very least checked if there were any shells remaining in the weapon. Instead, he kept trying to update his Facebook status while a hot bartender was getting stabbed to death.
Later in the episode, this British guy is running around, trying to find his captured girlfriend, who was stuffed into a sewer. Again, I'm not making this up.
He finds a dead end on a bridge, then hurries back into the woods and eventually uncovers the manhole and finds his broad. While they reunite and kiss, he proposes to her, only to be interrupted by the killer, who comes out of nowhere.
Now, the two characters could have run in any direction. They could have gone up a hill or into the woods. But oh no, that would make too much sense. Instead, the British guy leads the two into the dead end he encountered just two minutes ago.
The prudent move at this point would have been to jump off the bridge. Sure, it would have been a long fall, but they would have dropped into a river and still had the chance to be safe. Instead, the British guy tried to punch the killer, who simply laughed and sliced the little fellow with his small sword. The girl, who could have jumped with her boyfriend at any moment, then smirked, "You can't have me," and jumped into the river.
I swear, if my IQ was anywhere around 120-130, it was 70-80 after watching that episode. I don't think I've yelled, "You idiots, what are you doing!?" that many times since the Jay Cutler-Josh McDaniels catastrophe. At least now I know how Denver Bronco fans feel.