JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale
Did you know that dinosaur chicken nuggets are considered vegetables? It's true. That's what my cousin Lev told me during a party at my house last Saturday.
Lev: Those chicken nuggets - what are they in the shape of?
Me: NOM NOM NOM NOM Dinosaurs NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
Lev: Oh, so they're vegetables?
Me: NOM NOM N... what?
Lev: Dinosaurs used to be green. So, dinosaur chicken nuggets are vegetables.
Lev: Look, all vegetables are green. Dinosaurs used to be green. Therefore, dinosaur chicken nuggets are vegetables.
Forum mod Injured Reserve, who was at the party, felt the need to jump in.
Injured Reserve: Wait, wait, wait... we don't even know that dinosaurs were green.
Lev: What do you mean? Of course they were green!
Injured Reserve: No one knows if they were green or not! All we have are the bones!
Lev: But on TV, whenever they show dinosaurs, they're green. In the museum, the dinosaurs are all green. Are you saying the TV and the museums were lying to me this whole time?
Unfortunately, I don't know how this conversation concluded. My doorbell rang, so I had to stop eating my dinosaur chicken nugget veggies to let some people in.
This party wasn't even supposed to be at my house. Don't get me wrong; I had fun. I'd rather have events at my house because it's more convenient. Plus, I learn new things. For instance, I opened my oven door for the first time ever that night. My sister had something in her hands, and she asked me to do it. The door felt heavier than I imagined. It was weird.
At any rate, like I said, this party was planned to be elsewhere. It was actually a surprise party for my sister's boyfriend. She wanted to have it at my parents' house. What prevented that from happening was a lunatic woman, who qualified as a Jerk of the Week because of her crazy Facebook posts.
So, my dad had shingles two weeks ago. It was painful for him, but not a big deal to anyone who has ever had chicken pox before. Because of my sister's boyfriend's female friend was pregnant, my sister was kind enough to alert her. She told her that my dad had shingles, but that he was cleared by his doctor to go to work. In other words, he wasn't contagious anymore.
This, apparently, did not appease my sister's boyfriend's female friend. Let's call her Shingles Shenanigan Shemale (only because I couldn't think of an appropriate noun that began with sh-.) You'll see why soon. Here's what she had to say initially, with my cousin Alla's response to it:
Mid-wife? What the hell is a mid-wife? I've heard of wife before, and ex-wife, and future wife. How does one get a mid-wife; preferably a hot mid-wife? And can you have multiple mid-wives? Either way, Shingles Shenanigan Shemale didn't take too kindly to this:
BOOM! Cat fight alert! In all seriousness, Alla is right. Why did Shingles Shenanigan Shemale have to spread my dad's business all over Facebook? And if she's going to do that, why not go all out and buy an ad in the newspaper, so she could tell the entire city about it?
This obviously scared some people:
And just like that, my sister's party plans were unraveling because Shingles Shenanigan Shemale had to open her big mouth on Facebook. My sister consequently was pretty pissed off:
Of course, I had to offer my brotherly support by belittling Shingles Shenanigan Shemale:
As you can imagine, this escalated:
Shingles Shenanigan Shemale had enough. She fired off a super-long text to my sister:
Wow did it really have to come to all of this. U can be mad at the situation but to have ur friends disrespect Michaels friends is really uncalled for. I appreciate u letting me know about the situation but I had to tell MY FRIENDs why I wouldn't be there. U should have told everyone attending, its a serious situation. Ur posts and comments are immature and I don't need it in my life. Please delete my number. I guarantee when michael finds out about all this he will NOT be happy! Have a nice party!
Shingles Shenanigan Shemale proceeded to tell everyone, including my sister's boyfriend, about what transpired. Thus, the surprise (and the party) was completely ruined. The only way to salvage it was to host it at my place.
So... where was I? Oh, yeah... the dinosaur chicken nuggets. Someone interrupted my daily intake of veggies. I answered the front door, and three people walked in. The guy and one of the girls were both friendly. The third person, a tall, husky woman, grunted at me and barely said hello. I'd discover later that she was Shingles Shenanigan Shemale.
She may have grunted at me, but I will have the last laugh. I will sleep with her sexy mid-wife, and then I'll top it off by eating some more veggies. It'll be a glorious, glorious day.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Jeremy Lin's Brother
The best thing to ever happen to my Asian friend Not Asian Guy is Jeremy Lin. Ever since Lin came into the spotlight, Not Asian Guy has been using the line, "Jeremy Lin is my brother" to chicks at the bar. And it's worked for the most part.
*** Side note: For the record, I think this whole ESPN "Chick in the Armor" headline is so overblown. The guy who wrote it obviously didn't mean that as a racial slur because if he did, he would have known that he'd be fired. He was just stupid - and that's why he deserved to be axed. He should have known that idiots who have sand in their vag wouldn't take too kindly to a headline like that.
For those who do have sand in their vag reading this, there's nothing wrong with saying a "chink in the armor." If you're too stupid to realize that a "chink in the armor" has been a popular saying since the 1600s, then you're an ignorant moron.
No one would be fired for saying a "chink in the armor" or a "niggard host" in a perfect world. Unfortunately, we live in a world where way too many people have too much sand in their vag to open a dictionary and learn the English language. Whatever. I think I'll just go calm my nerves by eating some Cracker Jacks. Oh, crap, I think I just offended white people! Good thing I can't fire myself. End rant. ***
So... where was I? Oh, yeah... Not Asian Guy has been having some success with the ladies - just not those he's been aiming for.
Not Asian Guy's first attempt was directed toward the super-hot blond female bartender at Tango (formerly Whiskey Tango.) All she said was, "Haha, that's funny, hun." She has a boyfriend, unfortunately; otherwise, it would have worked.
There were some new girls there that particular night who met up with me and my friends. I asked them what their names were:
Me: Hey, I'm Walt.
Girl 1: I'm Demaryius.
Girl 2: I'm Stephania.
Being drunk at the time, I referred to them as "Demaryius Thomas" (a Denver Broncos' football player) and "Stephania Bell" (a female ESPN analyst). Demaryius Thomas didn't know what the hell I was talking about, but Stephania Bell found this amusing because she's a Penn State sports journalism major - just like me. Giggity, giggity.
Demaryius Thomas, meanwhile, was more interested in Not Asian Guy. It was not mutual, unfortunately, but she still went over to him when he was waiting for a drink at the bar.
I observed from a distance. I couldn't make out what Demaryius Thomas was saying to Not Asian Guy, but suddenly, I heard a chubby woman drunkenly yell from across from the bar.
This went on for 10 minutes. Not Asian Guy walked away from the bar, and I laughed at the entire situation.
Me: Not into the fat woman who wants to buy you drinks?
Not Asian Guy: Haha, no, not at all.
Me: What about that Demaryius Thomas girl? What was she saying to you?
Not Asian Guy: Who?
Me: The girl who sat down next to you. What did she say?
Not Asian Guy: Oh. I have no idea.
Me: What do you mean?
Not Asian Guy: I didn't know what she was saying at all.
So, Not Asian Guy didn't want to date a budding NFL star. That's understandable, I guess. His proclamation that he's Lin's brother continued to backfire, however, because a guy who was playing pool hugged him out of nowhere later on that night. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Lesson learned - if you're going to announce that you're a famous athlete's brother at a bar, you'll have to deal with female football players, fat skanks and heterosexually challenged pool players. I wonder if Not Asian Guy still wants to be Jeremy Lin's brother.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Tango Stalker
There were many characters at Tango the following weekend, ranging from hot chicks to complete weirdoes.
My friend Jess pulled me over at the beginning of the night to alert me of two people.
Jess: See that guy with the black jacket and the weird hat across the bar?
Jess: He's the guy I told you about before who wants to meet up with both Adrienne and me. He's a stalker.
Me: How's he a stalker?
Jess: He followed me around everywhere, including outside. He didn't really say anything, but he once started laughing about a joke he made about playing darts. I had to ask my friend Matt to pretend to be my boyfriend so he'd stop stalking me.
My friend Caveman overheard me and started laughing. We then had a conversation of our own about trying to game girls with boyfriends.
Me: I'm so done with girls who have boyfriends. It's just too mentally difficult to deal with that crap.
Caveman: Yeah, you probably feel guilty at the end about making the girl cheat.
Me: Guilty? Why would I feel guilty? Don't be ridiculous.
Caveman: Haha, then why is it so hard for you?
Me: It's just too much effort. It wears me out. You have to do so much mind manipulation and coercion that it wears on you. It's not really worth it.
It's true. I wouldn't recommend going down that road. I don't think there's anything immoral about having a girl cheat on her boyfriend - it's not like they're married or anything - but it's just too mentally draining.
Later on that night, Not Asian Guy told me about some sort of Web site that has videos of bugs fighting each other to the death. This piqued my interest.
Not Asian Guy: Insects that fly have a huge advantage.
Me: I never heard of this before. What about scorpions?
Not Asian Guy: Scorpions are actually pretty lame. If their stinger falls off, they can't do anything.
Me: That sucks. What about iron scorpions? I'm sure they kick a**.
Not Asian Guy: Wait... what'd you say?
Me: Iron scorpions.
Not Asian Guy: Eye-RON? Who pronounces "iron" eye-RON?
Me: That's not how you say iron?
Not Asian Guy: No!
I called everyone over and asked them how they pronounced iron. I was the only one who pronounced it "eye-RON." Everyone else said "EYE-urn."
I was so depressed about this that I had to go to the bathroom to ponder my existence. As I was taking a piss - in a stall, of course - I heard a strange sound emanating from across the bathroom. It sounded like, "hhhhwwwwwaaaa, hhhhwwwaaaaa poooooooooo."
For a minute there, I thought that two heterosexually challenged males were having a sexy time in the bathroom. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's not something I wanted to see. To my surprise, I discovered that there was only one person in the bathroom when I stepped out of the stall - it was the same stalker guy that Jess pointed out earlier. This strange man initiated a conversation with me.
Tango Stalker: Hey, did you ever realize how ugly you are when you hock a loogie?
Tango Stalker: Look in the mirror when you hock a loogie next time. You won't believe how ugly you look!
Me: Umm... OK, will do.
Tango Stalker: No, seriously, look... look at me... hwwwaaaa poooooo! Hhhhwwwwwaaaa poooooooo!!! Don't I look ugly when I do that?
Me: Yeah, sure.
Tango Stalker: So, I have to ask you a serious question.
You have to ask a serious question? To a random dude you just met in the bathroom? Not that there's anything wrong with that. At all.
I figured Tango Stalker would ask me about Jess, and whether or not he had a shot with her. To my surprise...
Tango Stalker: Did you ever see that Family Guy episode where they made fun of Alan Rickman?
Me: Alan Rickman?
Tango Stalker: Yeah, you know who Alan Rickman is, don't you?
Me: Of course I do...
Tango Stalker: So, did you ever see the Alan Rickman Family Guy episode?
Tango Stalker: Oh wow, you're missing out. It went like this: "My name... is..." Oh, this was when Alan Rickman recorded a voicemail message from the future. "My name... is..." Oh, and keep in mind that Alan Rickman of the present is calling the Alan Rickman of the future. It went like this: "My name... is... Alaaaan... Riiiickmaaan..."
Me: Ha ha, that's funny, well, I'll see you...
Tango Stalker: Wait, I'm not done. "My naaame... is... Alaaaaaaan Riiiickmaaaaaan...
He wouldn't let me leave. He continued to speak in his Alan Rickman voice and deliver quotes from that particular Family Guy episode. This went on for 10 minutes. I didn't leave at first because I figured he'd stab me, but that didn't seem so bad when I began thinking about drowning myself in the toilet. Fortunately, another person walked in at the very last second.
Tango Stalker: Hey, did you ever see the Alan Rickman Family Guy episode?
Other Dude: No.
I used this opportunity to bolt out of the bathroom. I couldn't listen to Alan Rickman impressions any longer. One more minute of that, and I would have grabbed the knife he had stuffed in his pocket and stabbed myself with it.
On the bright side, if I did stab myself, I could have used that opportunity to garner sympathy sex from the hot bowling alley chick. That's one way to get a girl to cheat on her boyfriend without any effort.