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Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011




Jerks of the Week for May 30, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Me

I did a ton of drinking in my six years at Penn State. Not so much early on, but I went out four nights a week during my super-senior and super-duper senior years. I even got smashed hours before one of my finals in my last semester. I'll post that epic story some other time.

I've mentioned this before, but I haven't done much drinking since my Penn State days because running this site takes up most of my time. Last weekend was an exception, however, because I had three separate alcohol-related events. One was my friend Adrienne's party. I had a good time, but because I was a drunken douche, others may not be able to say the same thing.

I guess it all started as soon as I arrived to the party. Adrienne had a bowl of vodka gummy worms on the table, and I stuffed about three dozen of them into my mouth. About an hour later, I was playing beer pong with my friend Josh. Josh suddenly started talking to some girl that I referred to as Snow White Chick the entire evening (because she looked like Snow White, in case you're wondering). Thanks to Snow White Chick, Josh stopped paying attention to the game.

Me: Come on dude, take your damn shot.

Josh: Whoops.

Distracted by Snow White Chick, Josh launched his ping pong ball 10 yards over the table. When his turn came around again, I had to wait another five minutes.

Me: Dude, I'm going to find another partner soon.

Josh (quietly): I think she wants to bang.

Me: Nice. Now f***ing shoot already and do that after the game.

Josh: I may have to drive her home to Lower Merion though.

Note that Lower Merion is at least 40 minutes away from Adrienne's house.

Me: Ugh, dude, that's so not worth it.

While Josh was talking quietly, I was drunkenly shouting without noticing it - and Snow White Chick overheard me and shot me a mean look.

Me: Umm...

*** Silence ***

Me: I didn't mean... I mean... uhh...

*** Silence ***

Me: Damn it. I need some more gummy worms.

Just to be clear, I didn't mean that Snow White Chick wasn't worth a 40-minute drive. In my drunken state, I thought Josh was going to drive 40 minutes to her house that night and risk a DUI. I didn't realize that he wanted to bring her back to my house and take her home the following morning.

I tried to say nice things to Snow White Chick the rest of the night like, "My, what pretty eyes you have." She either shot me dirty looks or ignored me, perhaps angry that I was referencing the wrong fairy tale. She also stopped talking to Josh, so that was some major rooster blockage on my part.

About an hour later, this semi-fat chick walked into the party. Josh, my other friend Andrew and I were hovering near the gummy worms when we noticed her.

Andrew: One of us should go talk to her.

Me: Nose goes!

I quickly touched my nose. Andrew did as well seconds later. Josh, meanwhile, didn't know what the hell was going on.

Andrew: Looks like you have to go talk to her.

Josh: Why? Why are you guys touching your noses?

*** I explained the "nose goes" concept to Josh. ***

Josh: What the hell is that all about? The person who touches their nose first should have to go.

Me: What? How does that make any sense?

Andrew: Yeah, you lost because you didn't touch your nose, so you have to go talk to her.

Josh: Ugh. Fine.

Josh spoke with Semi-Fat Chick for two minutes when I suddenly noticed a mosquito hovering around Andrew's face. I tried swatting at it, but my accuracy wasn't very good at that moment. Adrienne must have been wondering what the hell I was doing because she briskly walked over and grabbed Semi-Fat Chick.

Adrienne: Hey, let me introduce you to some cooler people.

OK, Adrienne didn't say that, but Andrew, Josh and I thought it would be hilarious if she did. The point is that I once again rooster blocked my best friend of 23 years, though I don't think he was too upset about losing a chance to sleep with Semi-Fat Chick.

Later in the night, Adrienne approached me with some important news.

Adrienne: Guess what? Crazy Horse Girl is coming to the party!

Me: Nice!

Adrienne: Really? I thought you'd be upset about it.

Me: No way. I love awkward situations. If anything, I can make a new Jerks of the Week entry about it.

I spotted Crazy Horse Girl about an hour later. She was talking to some people I didn't know, so I didn't go over, instead opting to play some awesome numbers drinking game with my fantasy football friends, Injured Reserve, Man-Eaters, Trojan Kegs, and Trojan Kegs' girlfriend Jaime.

We were in the middle of a round when Adrienne's brother Will made a startling announcement:

Will: Josh and Crazy Horse Girl are hooking up on my couch!

My best friend and my greatest equine-based enemy? How could this be? I thought about running in and informing Josh that he was hooking up with a previous Jerk of the Week, but I figured that I had done enough rooster blocking for the night. See? I'm not a total jerk.






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Josh

I mentioned that Josh has been my best friend for 23 years. He can be a jerk sometimes though, particularly when it comes to punctuality and athletic competition. In fact, I met him when he, our mutual friend Joey and I played freeze tag on his cul-de-sac when we were 5. I recall Josh cheating during the game, prompting me to call him "selfish," even though I didn't even know what that word meant back then.

Anyway, Josh called me a few hours before Adrienne's party:

Josh: Hey, what time are you going over to Adrienne's party?

Me: I don't know, 8:15 or 8:30 maybe.

Josh: OK, I'm going to jog and then drive up to your place at 8:10 because I don't know how to get to Adrienne's house.

Josh lives in downtown Philly - I hate downtown Philly - which is about 25 minutes away from my house. You'd think he'd leave his apartment at 7:45-7:55, right? Nope. Not Josh.

My phone rang at 8:20.

Me: Hey, where are you?

Josh: I just got onto I-95, so I should be there in 20 minutes.

Me: What the hell, man?

Josh: Sorry, I had to eat lunch with my mom and I couldn't jog as early as I wanted to.

Me: Ugh. Can't you just meet us at Adrienne's party?

Josh: I don't know where it is, and I won't know many people there so I don't want to walk in by myself.

Me: It's not a big deal.

Josh: It'll be all weird if I go in by myself!

Me: Fine. Just get here as soon as you can.

Josh: I'll speed down I-95. I'll be there in no time, I promise.

Yeah, right. Before I knew it, it was 8:50, and Josh still wasn't at my house. That's when Josh called me for the third time.

Me: Dude, what happened to speeding down I-95?

Josh: Uhh... yeah, I hadn't left my house when I called you before.

Me: WHAT!? Where are you?

Josh: I'm like five minutes away from your house. I swear this time.

Me: I don't believe you.

Josh: Trust me, I'm five minutes away. Where's Adrienne's house? We can just meet there.

Me: WHAT THE HELL!!!! YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO COME HERE FIRST!!!!

Josh: Yeah, but it might be faster if we meet there.

Me: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASTER IF YOU JUST HAD LEFT YOUR APARTMENT ON TIME!!!!

Josh: Calm down, bra. We're only going to be an hour late.

Hey, I don't drink often, so every hour counts for me. So that's why I was pissed.

At any rate, as I previously mentioned, Josh was my beer pong partner at the beginning of the night. We won four games, but ultimately lost when Snow White Chick distracted Josh. It was eventually my turn to play again. Josh was talking to some girl, so I asked my friend Melissa if she wanted to be my partner. She accepted.

Melissa and I were on our second game when Josh noticed that I was playing beer pong without him. He walked to the beer pong table:

Josh: You're playing beer pong without me!?

Me: You were talking to some chick, so I found a new partner.

Josh: Ugh. Fine. Just let me take a celebrity shot.

Me: No way.

Josh: Come on bra!

Me: No. You're going to miss, and then you're going to ask for another shot, and then another until you make it into the cup after like 20 tries.

Josh: No, I'll just do one shot.

Me: No you won't.

Josh: I promise.

Me: I don't believe you.

Josh: I swear I'll make it.

Me: No.

Josh: I'll bet you $10 I'll make it.

Me: No!

Josh: IT'S JUST ONE F***ING SHOT!

Me: I SAID NO!!!

Josh: IT'S JUST ONE F***ING SHOT DUDE, JUST LET ME TAKE IT! I SWEAR I'LL MAKE IT!

Me: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANYTHING!

Josh: I BET YOU ANYTHING I'LL MAKE THIS!

Me: Fine. Whatever. I give up.

Josh grabbed the ping pong ball out of my hand. As he launched it at the cups, I waved my hands to indicate that his shot didn't count. Josh promptly air-balled it way over the table.

Josh: DUDE I WANT ANOTHER SHOT!

Me: ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?

Josh: YOU WAVED IT OFF AND SAID IT DIDN'T COUNT. I WANT A SHOT THAT COUNTS!!!

Me: WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? YOU MISSED. WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF IT COUNTED OR NOT!?

Josh: COME ON BRA, GIVE ME A F***ING SHOT THAT COUNTS! I SWEAR I'LL MAKE IT!

This argument continued for another few minutes. Eventually, Melissa and the other team grew tired of our fight and started yelling at Josh. Josh gave up and walked away.

What was the word I used when I was 5? Selfish? Man, I didn't know what that word meant back then, but I definitely had some phenomenal foresight.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Ping Pong Pupil

I should mention that Crazy Horse Girl and I made up, and we are now friends on Facebook again - until our next argument, that is. But I did so much drinking over that weekend that I made it an effort to go to the gym every day the past week. As you can imagine, this allowed me to run into more weirdos than usual.

I finished a mile in the pool on Monday. I was getting changed when I overheard a middle-aged Russian man talking to an elderly American man. I will call the Russian guy "Ping Pong Pupil." You'll see why soon.

Ping Pong Pupil: How you doing my friend?

Old Man: I'm doing fine. How about yourself?

Ping Pong Pupil: I smell no good.

I swear on my life that's what Ping Pong Pupil said. I nearly burst out laughing as soon as I heard it. I'd love to start saying that to people to see what kind of reaction I would get.

At any rate, this conversation continued...

Old Man: Ah, that's too bad. Are you going to take a shower?

Ping Pong Pupil: No. I forgot my sveet svimming trunks.

Sveet svimming trunks? Yeah, I don't know either. At the time, I figured he stuttered when he was trying to say "svimming."

Anyway, Ping Pong Pupil asked the old man how warm the pool was. The old man didn't know, so I jumped into the conversation and yelled "87 degrees."

Big mistake. Ping Pong Pupil walked around the corner. He was a funny-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. He had a small afro and a Super Mario-style mustache. The only thing he was wearing were his tighty-whities; his big gut sagged over his underwear. It was a disgusting sight to say the least.

Ping Pong Pupil: How is situation in zee club?

Me: Situation?

Ping Pong Pupil: How is zis club in situation?

Me: You just made me more confused.

Ping Pong Pupil: Eh... eh... how is gym? Is pool?

Me: Oh. It's fine, I guess.

Ping Pong Pupil: Ah. I vant to go svimming but I forgot my sveet svimming trunks.

So, he did in fact say "sveet svimming trunks." I've thought about it for days, and I still can't figure out what he was talking about.

Ping Pong Pupil: I no svim today because I no have my sveet svimming trunks. I instead go play ping pong game. Do you play a ping pong game?

Me: Nah, I haven't played in a while.

Ping Pong Pupil: Oh-ho! You never play ping pong game! Ping pong is good exercise! You move around!

Ping Pong Pupil proceeded to do a jig, perhaps attempting to show me what ping pong movement looks like. Frankly, it was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Imagine watching some flabby, middle-aged man in tighty-whities dancing around. That image will haunt my dreams for years.

Ping Pong Pupil: Maybe you play ping pong game with me today?

Me: Nah, I have to go home.

Ping Pong Pupil: Ah, it is shame. I play ping pong game with Georgio today! Do you know Georgio?

Me: No.

Ping Pong Pupil: Oh-ho! Georgio is ping pong master!

Ping Pong Pupil was apparently excited to be talking about Georgio because he rubbed his gut several times. I'll remind you that he was wearing nothing but tighty-whities.

Ping Pong Pupil: I no play ping pong game for two year!

Me: Really?

Ping Pong Pupil: Yes! I vas in Canada. I visit relative.

For two years? Who is this weirdo? I didn't want to stay and find out.

Me: I have to go. I'm only here at this time because it's supposed to thunderstorm later.

Ping Pong Pupil: Vat!? Vat time is suppose to thunderstorms?

Me: Like 4:30 or 5?

Ping Pong Pupil: That is time right now!

Me: Nah, it's actually 3:45.

Ping Pong Pupil: Oh-ho! I leave car door open! I must go close car!

Ping Pong Pupil ran to his locker, grabbed his keys, put a shirt over his tighty-whities and sprinted out of the locker room with no pants or shoes on.

I don't know why he the hell would leave his freaking car door open. I'm just trying to get the image of him dancing around in his tighty-whities out of my head.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 25


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 22


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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