Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012
Jerks of the Week for March 19, 2012
JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
St. Patrick's Day is an incredible holiday. People dress in green and drink themselves into oblivion, and for what? Because it's March 17? What does St. Patrick's Day even mean? Who was St. Patrick, and what did he do to warrant his own holiday? I imagine that he invented beer, banged a lot of chicks, or fought for Ireland's independence from an evil country like England or France. But those are just educated guesses. No one knows what St. Patrick accomplished, yet everyone celebrates him. It's pretty amazing.
I've always had fun on St. Patrick's Day. Of course, I've consumed numerous alcoholic beverages over the years on March 17. Then there's the fact that the NCAA Tournament is always going on. I've met new friends, and when I was much younger, I got action for the first time. With a girl.
This St. Patrick's Day wasn't any different. I watched college basketball, drank with friends and had a number of strange, Jerks of the Week-worthy encounters over the two weekend nights.
I want to do another live blog for my St. Patrick's Day weekend. I did this a few weeks ago for the Wednesday from Hell, and I liked how that turned out. A warning though - the entire weekend was a drunken haze, so I can't guarantee that all of the time details will be 100-percent accurate. It'll be close though because I never blacked out - an indication that the weekend wasn't as successful as it could have been.
Friday night, 12:20 a.m.: I arrive at Tagno super late because of the NCAA Tournament. Fortunately, I only have a few drinks in me at this time, so I don't completely spaz out when I notice that the hot blond bartender isn't working.
Me: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG where is the hot blond bartender OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!?
Jess: She's not here tonight.
Like I said, I didn't completely spaz out. Had I been on my seventh or eighth beer, I would have flipped over chairs, broken pool sticks in half and agreed to collect some STDs from Drunkest Woman Ever.
It's worth noting that I haven't seen Drunkest Woman Ever since the bar reopened around Thanksgiving. I'd send out a search party for her, but there are way too many corners in Philly where she can be turning tricks for 75 cents per customer.
Friday night, 12:22 a.m.: There's no hot bartender for me to overtip, but I do notice this new chick in our group. She's wearing a green shirt with a pink baseball cap. She has brown hair and dark eyes, which is my type. She's super-hot, but I need more liquid courage to talk to her.
Friday night, 12:28 a.m.: I notice two bad things about Pink Baseball Cap Girl. First, she has a big tattoo on her left arm. I hate tattoos - I think they are ugly and unnecessary, and show poor decision-making - and second, she went outside to smoke cigarettes. If I learned anything from Mr. Mackey's health class, it's that smoking is bad. Plus, my nuncle just died of lung cancer. The cigarettes show even poorer decision-making on Pink Baseball Cap Girl's part, but then I think, "Maybe she'll make some poor decisions with me tonight, giggity, giggity."
Friday night, 12:35 a.m.: We sit at a table. I'm talking to my Asian friend Not Asian Guy about something when I hear Jess ask someone, "Do you want to see naked pictures of Jackie?" Jackie was Jess' hot lesbian ex-girlfriend, so this definitely piques my interest.
Me: Yes! Show them! Show them!
Jess: Walt, that's your sister!
Whoops, my sister is also named Jackie. As it turns out, Jess is joking about the whole ordeal. So, not only do I embarrass myself, I also miss out on the opportunity of seeing pictures of a hot lesbian. Can life get any worse?
Friday night, 12:40 a.m.: Pink Baseball Cap Girl returns from her cigarette break. She sits down on the other side of the table. I stare at her tattoo. Despite the fact that she's really pretty otherwise, the tattoo bothers me. It's so massive that it's basically a mural. I can't even make out what it is. It's gray and black, and there are stars, clouds and buildings painted on to her arm. It's like she got a tattoo of the Philadelphia skyline for some strange reason. Better than obscure Chinese letters, I guess.
Friday night, 12:50 a.m.: Pink Baseball Cap Girl goes to the band area. I continue talking to Not Asian Guy when he asks me a question I've been waiting for all night:
Not Asian Guy: Do you want to go look at boobies?
Me: Hell yes.
Boobies is our nickname for Penthouse Photo Hunt - a touchscreen game we often play at Tango. If you don't know what it is, Penthouse Photo Hunt shows you two pictures of naked girls, and you have to find the five differences before time runs out. We currently own the high score on the Tango machine, with the name of "Pee Drip Drip." We also own the third-place score dubbed "Poop Drop Drop." We're cool like that.
Friday night, 1:05 a.m.: Jess comes over to help us play Boobies. I take this opportunity to ask her about Pink Baseball Cap Girl.
Me: Who's that chick with the pink baseball cap?
Jess: I don't know who that is. That's Always Trashed Girl's friend.
Jess didn't say "Always Trashed Girl," but that's what I call this particular chick. She seems like a nice girl, but I've never really had a conversation with her because every single time I've ever seen her, she's completely drunk out of her mind. I've never seen her even remotely close to sober.
Friday night, 1:07 a.m.: Almost on cue, Always Trashed Girl and Pink Baseball Cap Girl walk by to go to the bathroom. Pink Baseball Cap Girl gives me a smile. Looks like she'll be making bad decisions with me soon.
Friday night, 1:15 a.m.: We've played one too many games of Boobies. I'm pretty worn out by it, so I'm not finding as many mismatches.
Jess: Pick up the slack, Walt!
Jess: Don't make me do all of the work!
Me: But... but... no hot bartender and pink baseball cap has tattoo on her arm and tired of playing game and blegh...
Friday night, 1:20-1:55 a.m.: The rest of the night is a blur. Pink Baseball Cap Girl disappears to the band area again, so I talk to my friends the whole time.
Friday night, 1:56 a.m.: Pink Baseball Cap Girl reappears with Always Trashed Girl and some blond chick. I strike up a conversation with Pink Baseball Cap Girl that lasts about 10 minutes. She seems pretty interesting. I'm not really sure what the hell she was saying, but I remember being really captivated. She was definitely the girl of my dreams, save for the tattoo and cigarettes. Maybe I can get past that, I think.
Friday night, 2:06 a.m.: They begin kicking us out of Tango. Of course, no one pays any attention to this. The aforementioned blond chick gives me some of her many green beads because I'm not wearing green. I try to tell her that it was still March 16 when I left the house, but I'm too drunk to convey my point to her.
Friday night, 2:08 a.m.: Pink Baseball Cap Girl and Blond Beads Girl ask me if I'm coming tomorrow. I am now. They leave, but not before Blond Beads Girl tells me to wear the green beads tomorrow. It's nice to know that I have a fallback option, but I'm still way more interested in Pink Baseball Cap Girl.
Friday night, 2:15 a.m.: We leave the bar. Jess, Always Trashed Girl and I are talking outside when Always Trashed Girl sees an orange cone that has a word beginning with the letters "Dan-" on it.
Always Trashed Girl: Dan... thasss Daniell'zzzz cooonne.
Jess: Danielle's cone? What are you talking about?
Always Trashed Girl: Thaaa connnneess Danieellllzzzz. I'mmm gonnnn taakke iiittt.
Always Trashed Girl scans her surroundings to see if anyone is looking. She then picks up the cone, carries it to Jess' car and stuffs it into the back seat. Crazy stuff is already going down, and we're just two hours into St. Patrick's Day.
Saturday afternoon, 4:30 p.m.: I'm writing a Jerks of the Week entry that I will post next week (I initially planned it for this week but I had to post this), when I receive the following text:
Dek wak uog will be visit by three dry ken people.
I assume this is supposed to say, "Dear Walt, you will be visited by three drunken people." The ghosts of St. Patrick's past, present and future? Maybe they'll help me get over Pink Baseball Cap Girl's tattoo and cigarettes.
Saturday afternoon, 4:31-6:30 p.m.: I received random texts from Jess' phone over the next two hours. Here they are with my responses to them:
Text: Der Wwak uog wil be visit by three dry ken people
Text: rack jamie al's I
Text: In the next foe I hours
Me: I look forward to it
Text: Red u and I
Text: Jamie would p
Text: B beet by Dane if he can't join
Me: Who is Dane?
Text: So we screwing?
Text: Jane has kidnapped my phone tis not me! I swear!
Me: Who's Jane?
Text: Dane Bielefeld
Text: that's word!
Text: We come with party at 630 be easy
Me: lol be easy?
Text: Daddy not easy
Text: Welcome now
Text: We come low
"We come low" means "We're coming now." Everyone who was already out for St. Patrick's Day invited themselves to my house. I don't mind having my friends here, but I can't hang out with them because I need to get work done so I can go out that night and try to game Pink Baseball Cap Girl. This takes priority over everything. I know nothing about her, but I can already tell that I'm supposed to marry her and be with her forever.
Saturday evening, 6:40 p.m.: My friends arrive at my house to drink and play with my new dog. Unfortunately, I spend most of my time like a recluse in my office, working feverishly to get my work done, with the usual food and porn breaks. If you're wondering, chicken club Panini, tomato soup and lesbian.
Saturday evening, 8:00 p.m.: Speaking of lesbian porn, my friends Body Burner and Caveman stop by my office. Caveman is astonished to learn that I have three laptops.
Caveman: Why do you have three laptops?
Body Burner: Is one laptop for porn?
Me: One laptop for porn? That's silly. I have porn on all three laptops.
Saturday evening, 9:00 p.m.: My friends leave. This is not before a super-drunk Adrienne informs me that she's been drinking since 1.
Me: I couldn't drink all day like that.
Adrienne: Well, I'm sure you could when you were my age.
Me: Wow, way to make me feel old!
Saturday night, 11:30 p.m.: Despite Adrienne's insults, I'm able to finish my work. As I'm getting ready, I receive two more texts from Jess' phone:
You taste like sparkles on fairy wingfaces
You heard me lovermuffinpuppyface
I'm sad. I feel like I'm the only sober person in the world. Fortunately, it's almost time to begin drinking.
Saturday night, 11:50 p.m.: I arrive at Tango, late again because of work and the NCAA Tournament. The first thing I notice is that it's packed. Like super packed, as if it's a crappy downtown bar. Tango usually has 40-50 people on a weekend night. There are hundreds here for St. Patrick's Day.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, there are more hot chicks to drunkenly leer at. On the other hand, I'll have to wait to get a drink, while there will certainly be many people trying to play darts, pool and Boobies.
Saturday night, 11:55 p.m.: I'm not too upset anymore because I see the hot blond bartender. She's wearing a green tank top and fishnet stockings. I discuss this with Not Asian Guy.
Me: She's pretty hot.
Not Asian Guy: Oh yeah. I'm a fan of the fishnet stockings.
Me: I'm not crazy about those in general, but she pulls it off.
Not Asian Guy: Yeah, a lot of girls can't pull them off, but she can.
Saturday night, 12:01 a.m.: It's past midnight, and we still haven't gotten our beers yet. There are just so many people, so the hot blond bartender hasn't seen me yet. I'm beginning to get restless. I don't even see Pink Baseball Cap Girl. This is going to be the worst St. Patrick's Day ever.
Saturday night, 12:03 a.m.: The other bartender, an older woman with black hair, finally sees us. I give her a $5 tip for three drinks - the amount I usually reserve for the hot blond bartender - so we can get faster service next time.
Saturday night, 12:15 a.m.: We sit around and talk. Jess and Matt are apparently waiting for a pool table to open up. Meanwhile, I'm shocked to see Crazy Horse Girl walk by. She's pretty surprised to see me too. It's a good thing we've made up, or she would undoubtedly harass me about not signing her ridiculous horse petitions.
Saturday night, 12:20 a.m.: Crazy Horse Girl and some other chick get to talking. They somehow come to realize that they've both slept with the same dude, and they discuss how cheap he is. Not Asian Guy and I joke about this.
Not Asian Guy: I can be cheap too!
Me: Here's a dollar. Oh wait, you can't have it!
Saturday night, 12:30 a.m.: A pool table is finally free. Jess, Matt and Jamie all go over, while I order another beer. The hot blond bartender serves me this time, but she has a disgusted look on her face as she's giving me my beer.
I'm pretty disgruntled by this. I think hastily about all the reasons she might be disgusted with me:
1. I have a booger on my face.
2. She heard me talking about her fishnet stockings and now thinks that I'm a pervert. Of course, she should have realized this after the many times I drooled while looking at her cleavage.
3. I gave her usual $5 tip to the older bartender, so she's jealous. She now knows that I may want to sleep with the other bartender, so she's upset because she wants me so bad.
No. 3 is definitely the reason. I'm sorry, hot blond bartender. I'll still sleep with you - I swear!
Saturday night, 12:50 a.m.: Jess and I beat Matt and Jamie in pool twice because they manage to prematurely sink the eight ball twice. As the second game wraps up, my heart sinks - I see Pink Baseball Cap Girl. The girl of my dreams. She's not wearing a pink baseball cap this time though, so I don't recognize her right away. She is still hot though.
Saturday night, 1:00 a.m.: I'm talking to Pink Baseball Cap Girl, and she seems really into the conversation. The following topics are discussed:
1. She's about to turn 22. Not bad.
2. She works as a bathroom cleaner at Parx Casino. She hates it there. I've used the bathroom at Parx before, and I hate it there as well, so this is something we have in common. Also, is it weird that I'm turned on by the prospect that she cleaned up after me in the bathroom?
3. She's into astrology. She's proud of being a Gemini, and she cites that she's a "good Gemini," while her mother is a "bad Gemini." Yeah, if she weren't so good looking, I would have excused myself from the conversation at that point. But she's my dream girl.
4. She doesn't like her life right now because it's so monotonous - she wakes up, cleans up poop in the Parx bathrooms, goes to sleep, rinse, repeat. She wants to go to school, and I encourage it. I know some people dream of cleaning of feces in casino bathrooms, but I can tell that she's yearning for more. We have that sort of connection.
5. She tells me something. I forget what, but I ask her to explain it. She says, "I'll have to tell you over lunch sometime." Score! Bad decisions and lunch? I'm a lucky man.
Saturday night, 1:10 a.m.: We're still talking, but I'm out of beer. I ask if she wants another one, and she doesn't give me an answer. She gives me a curious look, and then stares at her bottle. I have no idea what she's trying to insinuate, so I figure I'll just by her another Miller Lite.
Saturday night, 1:12 a.m.: The hot blond bartender is still scowling at me. I order two beers from her, yet when she fills them up, she asks the older bartender to give the drinks to me. I can hear her thinking, "You want to sleep with her? Fine! She can give you beer!"
Saturday night, 1:15 a.m.: I go back to Pink Baseball Cap Girl. She's talking to a tall, black guy with glasses, who turns out to be a member of the band that was playing that night. He tells me to come see their show downtown next week. I tell him that I will, even though I have no intention of doing so - not just because I don't want to go downtown, but because I was afraid he'd use his superior athleticism to kick my a** if he I turned him down. What? That's racist? Umm... I said he's tall, which is better than my short and fat attributes.
Saturday night, 1:17-1:20 a.m.: Pink Baseball Cap Girl and I resume talking. I have to hold her Miller Lite beer because she's only halfway done the one she's currently drinking. I guess that's why she gave me that quizzical look.
At any rate, Always Trashed Girl comes over and tells me that she needs to borrow Pink Baseball Cap Girl for some "girl time." This is how some of my lesbian porn videos start, so I take this as a good sign.
Saturday night, 1:21 a.m.: My friends are still by the pool table. Adrienne is sitting on it, and she's not in good shape at all. There's a cup of ice next to her, and I'm afraid she's going to knock it over, so I move it to the other side of the table. She sees this and isn't too pleased that I'm not confident in her abilities.
Adrienne: Heyyy whhhaatt arreee yewww dooiinn?
Me: I'm moving the ice cup so you don't knock it over and ruin the pool table.
Adrienne: I'mm nooott gonnnn knoocckk ovvuurr!
Saturday night, 1:25 a.m.: I'm not totally sure what prompted this conversation, but I think I voiced my displeasure that only Irish people have a great holiday like St. Patrick's Day. "Why can't other nationalities have a pure drinking holiday?" I ask.
Jess, Adrienne and Val are all Russian, so we agree that there should be a Russian drinking holiday that mirrors St. Patrick's Day.
Jamie: What is it going to be called?
Me: I dunno... how about Stalin Day? No - St. Stalin's Day!
Matt: St. Stalin's Day? But Stalin was a terrible guy.
Me: Nah, nah, nah, nah, he was a good person on the inside.
Matt: Dude, he killed so many people!
Me: Yeah, but he meant well. The bad things happened by accident.
Matt: You can't call it St. Stalin's Day. You might as well have called it St. Sandusky's Day.
Me, Val, Jess (all Penn Staters): WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, TOO SOON, TOO SOON!
Saturday night, 1:30-1:50 a.m.: We spend the next 20 minutes planning out St. Stalin's Day. We decide that it should be in the beginning of May because there's a huge void between St. Patrick's Day and Memorial Day. Due to conflicts, however (birthdays, finals), we push it to May 19.
We will be wearing red on St. Stalin's Day (for the Red Army). We're going to make red t-shirts that say "Quit Stalin." We'll be drinking all day. We encourage all of you to do the same. You know how "everyone's Irish" on St. Patrick's Day? Well, everyone's Russian on St. Stalin's Day.
May 19. Wear red. Drink. Have a good time. Spread the word. St. Stalin's Day needs to become a worldwide holiday.
Saturday night, 1:55 a.m.: The five girls in our group - Jess, Adrienne, Val, Jamie and Crazy Horse Girl - all kiss each other at the same time. I kid you not.
Saturday night, 1:57 a.m.: Now, the girls are kissing me. I have pictures on Facebook as proof.
Saturday night, 2:00 a.m.: The five girls kiss again because the hot blond bartender missed it, and she wants to see it. She's upset that there's not any tongue. We both chant, "Tongue! Tongue! Tongue! Tongue! Tongue!" Looks like the hot blond bartender is friends with me again. Maybe she's confident that she can sleep with me again. That, or the booger is gone.
Saturday night, 2:05 a.m.: I have no idea where Pink Baseball Cap Girl was, but she reappears and is now talking to some trashy-looking woman in her 40s. Stupid trashy woman, interrupting my game.
Saturday night, 2:10 a.m.: The Tango staff tries to kick us out again. Of course, no one listens - except for Adrienne, who gets up from the pool table and somehow knocks over the cup of ice despite the fact that I moved it away from her. I guess it was just meant to happen. The pool table is ruined. The ice is all over the table, and some of the cubes fell into the pockets. Oh well, I tried.
Saturday night, 2:20 a.m.: We finally go outside. Pink Baseball Cap Girl is still talking to the older woman. Meanwhile, a couple of foreigners approach the girls in my group. Here's an important excerpt from the conversation:
Foreigner: In my country, vee believe man with cold hand always tell truce, but man with warm hand iz bad guy!
Val: Where are you from?
Foreigner: Vee from Albania.
Me: Ah, I never met South Americans before!
Foreigner: Vhat you say!?
Saturday night, 2:25 a.m.: I don't reply. I wander over to Pink Baseball Cap Girl, Older Woman, Matt and Always Trashed Girl.
Older Woman and Pink Baseball Cap Girl are having a deep conversation. Pink Baseball Cap Girl is venting about her horrible life - how she has to do the same crappy thing over and over, and yet has no money to show for it. Of course, if Hollywood didn't brainwash her and other girls into thinking that gold-diggers are bad, she could just marry a guy with money and make her life so much easier, but nooooo...
Saturday night, 2:30 a.m.: It's amusing listening to what Older Woman's advice. Here were some of her suggestions:
1. "You gotta move down ta Florida, hun, you'll be havin' the time of your life."
2. "You gotta move out ta Colorada, hun, my nephew went out ta Colorada, and he's havin' the time of his life."
3. "You just gotta live life, hun, or in 20 years, you'll be livin' the same way yer livin' right now."
That's some sage advice - and Pink Baseball Cap Girl is eating it all up. She nods her head in approval, and I can see that she is already envisioning having the "time of her life" in these new locations. I can't believe she's buying into this 40-year-old skank who is talking to people 20 years younger than her outside of a bar at 2 a.m., but I later realize that Pink Baseball Cap Girl is only one short of the bad decisions trifecta - cigarettes, tattoos and an inexplicable move to Florida or "Colorada." So, this all makes sense.
Saturday night, 2:40 a.m.: Older Woman won't stop talking, Pink Baseball Cap Girl won't stop listening, and I'm freezing. I want to leave. I ask Always Trashed Girl if she needs a ride home because she doesn't appear to be in any condition to drive. At this point, she wouldn't even make it out of the parking lot without crashing into a pole. And the bad news for her is that there aren't any cones remaining to keep her from doing so.
Always Trashed Girl: Dooo yewww havvv liiqquoorr attt yeerr houusee?
Always Trashed Girl: Heyyy heee haaazz liiquuorr attt hiiss housssee, yewww wannnannaa gooooo?
Pink Baseball Cap Girl: OK! Let me first find out where Blond Beads Girl is to see if she wants a ride.
Wow, Always Trashed Girl is the best wingman (or wingwoman) ever.
Saturday night, 2:50 a.m.: It takes 10 minutes to locate Blond Beads Girl. She was hooking up with some random dude. He tells everyone that there's a party at the Crown Plaza Hotel, so now Pink Baseball Cap Girl wants to go there. I'm not going. I have to go home at some point to let my dog out of his cage (he's 5 months old) - even if that means I miss out on Pink Baseball Cap Girl's worst decisions possible.
As I'm walking away, Always Trashed Girl runs over to say bye. She also apologizes for not helping me seal the deal with her friend. I'm fine with it - really. I tell her, "I just got so much awesome Jerks of the Week material, so it was worth it." She doesn't know what Jerks of the Week is, so she gives me a quizzical look. I get into my car and drive home.
Saturday night, 2:55 a.m.: With a stop at Wawa, of course! Hot Red Head is working there, which is awesome. I think there might be a possibility that she might make some bad decisions with me tonight, but she tells me that she's getting off at 7. Damn it.
Saturday night, 3:00 a.m.: As I'm waiting for my sandwich, Hot Red Head tells me about some of the crazy things that have happened at Wawa that night. One guy walked into one of the shelves and fell on the floor. Another guy gave her his jacket because "I got into a fight and the cops saw me, so take my jacket so they don't recognize me!"
This is why I love St. Patrick's Day. Everyone gets super drunk and does stupid crap, yet they have no idea why. This is exactly why we need St. Stalin's Day. Remember, May 19. It'll be epic.
More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
Fantasy Football Rankings - March 7
2014 NFL Mock Draft - March 5
2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 5
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - March 3
2015 NFL Mock Draft - March 2
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
2 5 9