Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2016





Jerks of the Week: Dec. 12, 2016


JERK OF THE WEEK: My Best Friend's Wedding

I've been to countless weddings over the past seven years. In fact, Jerks of the Week spawned because a girl I wanted to take to my college roommate's wedding back in 2009 backed out on me because she had to go to a barbeque instead. If that sounds pathetic to you, then you clearly are not a fat man like me. Only fat men like me know the true value that barbeques have to offer.

Despite attending lots of weddings, I've never actually been a part of a wedding party. I've been told a couple of times that I was on the cusp of clinching entry to a wedding party, but I couldn't quite get there. I've told them that it's OK that I didn't make it into the wedding party. I would then cry myself to sleep that night, and for several nights to come. And by several, I mean like 100.

When my best friend told me that he got engaged, I knew that would change. I'd be in the wedding party for sure. I made all the appropriate plans. I lost some weight. I learned how to tie a tie (sort of). I also prepared a speech just in case. I knew I wasn't going to the best man because my best friend has a brother he's close with, but I was going to be the best groomsman ever for sure.

"Am I going to be your best man?" my BFF asked when he learned that I, too, was engaged.

"Yup!" I replied, enthusiastically. "I assume I'll be a groomsman?" "Umm... no..." he answered.

No? No!?!?! So all of that was for nothing? Losing weight, learning to tie a tie, preparing a speech, all flushed down the drain because my BFF of 29 years didn't want to include me in his wedding party?

Now, before you label me as the most pathetic person of all time, all the bride wanted was a maid of honor and a best man for the wedding party. From what I understand, she had a difficult decision to make for bridesmaids, so she opted to have none outside of the maid of honor, and so all my BFF would have is a best man. At least that's what they told me to make me feel better about myself. I thought about this when I cried myself to sleep for the next hundred nights.




My speech, by the way, was going to discuss how we became best friends in the first place. We lived next door to each other when we were kids. When we were both 5 years old - he's exactly 20 days younger than I am - our parents set us up on this play date where we and this other kid from the neighborhood, Joey, played freeze tag in my BFF's cul-de-sac. I distinctly remember tagging my BFF, which meant that he had to be frozen. Seconds later, he began running again, even though I clearly froze him!

Me: What are you doing!? You're frozen!

BFF: Nope! I used hot chocolate on myself!

Me: You're selfish!

At 5, I don't think I even knew what the word "selfish" meant, but I heard it said before, and it seemed appropriate at the time. I thought this guy was selfish for sure, though we and Joey continued to hang out, as we always went over to Joey's house after school in first grade to play Super Mario Bros. 2 and the Legend of Zelda. You know, great video games, unlike the realistic bulls***t people play now.

Joey moved away soon after, but my BFF and I continued to hang out. However, in second grade, there was this other guy I was best friends with. He and my BFF hated each other, and they demanded that I not hang out with the other party. It was a difficult dilemma. On one hand, my BFF had a Sega Genesis. On the other hand, this other guy's parents always ordered pizza whenever we had sleepovers at his house. It was quite the pickle! Mmm... pickles...

Caught in the middle, I went back and forth between these two guys. It was quite the love triangle! One day, when I was hanging out with the other guy, my BFF and one of his goons cornered me in the schoolyard. The goon put me in a headlock, and my BFF kicked me in the balls. Believe me, it hurt! I still feel the pain today, and it's been 27 years!

Anyway, that evening, my BFF called my house. I was shocked, since I thought we weren't going to be friends anymore.

"I'm sorry I kicked you in the nuts," he said. "My mom said that I may have caused you permanent damage, and I didn't want to do that."

That's when I knew that I would have to choose this guy as my BFF. Calling to apologize was a clear indicator that this dude was not selfish, as I previously accused him of being.

Anyway, there's more to this story, as Valentine's Day cards were involved, but that's for another time. And if you're wondering what happened to the other guy, us three actually became great friends in high school, but he and my BFF got into a fistfight in Florida over some girl. The other guy then moved away to the cold, barren wasteland known as North Jersey, which is basically like the Siberia of the United States. I'm not sure they even have the Internet or wi-fi up there, so I barely hear from him.






I was going to use that story in my speech, but that never happened. Perhaps that's for the best, since I couldn't drink very much, as I had a 19-hour workday because of football Sunday the following day. I did have fun though, and I did manage to get enough material for a Jerks of the Week entry, so I'd say it was a successful night for all parties.

The wedding venue itself was great. My fiancee agreed.

"Wow, this is place is beautiful!" she said, as we walked into the building. "And what great weather for a wedding!"

Indeed. It was 70 degrees the entire day, which was awesome for the middle of November. See, these are the perks of global warming. Some idiots say global warming is horrible, but it sounds great to me. Who wouldn't want a warmer planet? SJW losers, that's who.

It was about a 5-minute walk from where we parked, which ordinarily wouldn't have been an issue if it weren't for my fiancee's footwear. I can't exactly remember what she had on, as shoe lingo completely mystifies me, but I'm pretty sure she said they were 40-inch stilettos. Thus, she didn't want to walk back with me to the car when we forgot the wedding gift.

Upon my return, they began seating for the ceremony, which lasted about 40 minutes. The timing for this is important, because after it was over, we grabbed a couple of beers and my fiancee asked if we could go back to the car because she forgot her medicine. We walked toward the exit, when this monstrosity of a woman stopped us.

"NO CAN BRING DRINK OUTSIDE," she said, sounding like Jabba the Hut. What? Why the f*** not? We were just going to the parking lot. It's not like we were leaving the property, or anything. See, this is just one of the many rules and regulations keeping the man down. Holding a beer while walking to a car in the parking lot doesn't do anyone any harm, so why stress about it? Why act like such f***ing a**holes?

I gave the obese woman a dirty look and placed the beer down. We opened the door, and WHOOSH! We were met with a cold blast of air. The temperature had somehow dropped 40 degrees in as many minutes. It was now 30 degrees out somehow!

My fiancee went back to the car with me this time because she knew where the meds were. We walked back, and after retrieving my beer, we went to the cocktail hour place, where they had all sorts of amazing food. I piled tons of food onto my plate, including pizza, potato skins, buffalo chicken, mini cheesesteaks, mashed potatoes, stuffed shells, and much more.

I put my plate down and told my fiancee I was going to get a second plate.

Fiancee: Walt, why don't you finish this plate before getting another one?

Me: WHAT!? ARE YOU CRAZY!? THE FOOD COULD RUN OUT, AND THEN WHAT WOULD I DO!!?!??!

I found a table with all sorts of meats and cheeses. I piled on 10 slices of this delicious-looking cheese and then twice as many pieces of salami. I walked to the next station and saw my BFF, who immediately stared at my plate.

"Jesus, Walt, do you have enough salami?" he asked.

I guess he remembered whom he was talking to because he suddenly looked like he understood. I then returned to my fiancee and began scarfing down the food.

Fiancee: Walt, you know we also have entrees, right?

Me: PIZZA POTATO SKINS BUFFALO CHICKEN MINI CHEESESTEAK SALAMI CHEESE NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

All of the food was delicious, but I have to say that the slices of cheese were my favorite. I don't know what sort of cheese it was, but it was amazing. I planned on going back for more when my fiancee grabbed my arm. She looked panicked.

"My car keys!" she gasped. "They're not here!"

Crap. My mind raced about where they could be, and I realized that it was possible that she locked them in the trunk when she retrieved her meds. It was also possible, however, that she dropped them on the way to the car because she took off her stilettos.

We went back to the entrance, where the monstrous troglodyte forced me to leave my beer once again. I opened the door, and WHOOSH, SPLAT!!! Not only was the air colder this time, but frozen rain was coming down! So much for global warming. I knew it was fiction this entire time.

I told my fiancee to stay behind, and I ventured into freezing rain. I shielded my face while looking down on the ground for the keys, hoping desperately to find them.

And there they were! Sure enough, she had dropped her keys when taking off the 40-inch stilettos.

I breathed a sigh of relief, as we went back downstairs. I couldn't wait for more cheese!

Unfortunately, I was stopped by some guy I met just once. He's a close friend of my BFF's, but my only encounter with him was when he showed up to one of my parties completely high. I never had a real conversation with him as a result until now, but we talked for a bit. That was fine and all - except when I returned to the meat-and-cheese station, I saw some guy I knew from grade school piling the cheese on his plate. And there was only one remaining!

"Hey Jeff!" I shouted, distracting him. He smiled and turned around, and I used this opportunity to dash by him and grab the remaining piece of cheese. He didn't seem too pleased about that, but he had like six slices on his plate, so I didn't feel too bad.

Sadly, they didn't bring out more cheese, which was very upsetting. In fact, cocktail hour was almost over, and it was soon time to be seated for the official commencement of the reception. Three noteworthy things happened:

1. If you've never been at a Jewish wedding, one of the traditions is to put the bride and groom in chairs, and then lots of people pick up chairs to lift them into the air. Some guy asked me to grab hold of one of the chairs, and I said no. I didn't feel confident enough that I'd be able to hold on to the chair, though the people who actually did this weren't any better. My BFF nearly fell off the chair, as he had to contort his body so that wouldn't happen. He looked fearful for his life, and he later confirmed this to me.

"I almost s**t my pants," he said. "I thought I was going to die."

2. My fiancee and I looked at a wedding venue that morning, which required lots of walking around. I have a bad back, and it was acting up as a consequence. Thus, I was able to get out of dancing for the most part, though I still had to dance for three songs.

I absolutely hate dancing. I've delved into this before, but I think it's torture. It requires too much geometry and physics, and I just don't want to think about all that when I'm trying to have a good time. I'd honestly sit in a dentist's chair than dance. I'm not joking.

One of the songs was a line dance. The one that goes, "move to the left ... move to the right ... reverse, reverse ... cha cha now y'all."

I asked my fiancee to sit this one out, but she didn't let me. Thus, I had to learn this abomination, and let me tell you, it's f***ing impossible. I never turned the right way, and I crashed into people on multiple occasions. I also didn't know what the f*** "cha cha now y'all" meant. What the f*** do you do when he says that? How the hell do you cha cha? What the f*** is cha cha!?

3. Another horrifying moment on the dance floor was when the DJ asked everyone to encircle the bride and groom and join hands. I think this is another Jewish tradition, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I grabbed my fiancee's hand. I looked to the right of me, and there was some guy who was sweating profusely. We looked at each other and apparently thought the same exact thing: That it was kind of, well, not heterosexual to grab another man's hand. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

At any rate, the evening soon ended. I searched for my BFF, but he was apparently tending to a sick family member. I told his parents and brother to tell him that I said goodbye, and my fiancee and I walked back to the car. The freezing rain subsided, but it was still cold as balls out.

"Well, that was fun," my fiancee said after cranking up the heat.

I agreed. It was a fun night. Except when that guy stole my cheese. I will never forget that act of selfishness as long as I live.

LOADING COMMENTS...



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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 19


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5









 





 

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