About two weeks ago, I received a text from a number that had a local Philadelphia area code (215). I made the mistake of reading it:
How yew gonna look at me but not talk to me
Crap. Did I do something to piss someone off? I figured I drunkenly did something stupid at the party I mentioned last week. My mind raced through possible people I could have offended, but I couldn't come up with anyone. The only possibility is that while temporary blinded by the bad cleavage during The Longest Beer Pong Game Ever, I looked at someone but wasn't able to recognize them.
Still though, I didn't have this number in my contacts list, so I asked the person who he/she was. I received a reply minutes later:
Thiz Aqe Cuzin
Aqe Cuzin? I think I had that at a Chinese restaurant once. NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I Googled "Aqe Cuzin," but nothing came up except for a link to "Descendants of Thomas Loomis." Damn it, I hope he's not important. Perhaps this person meant "Age Cuzin." That makes a lot more sense.
I texted "Aqe Cuzin" back, stating that I had no idea what he/she was talking about. I received yet another response:
Thiz Catina, iz thiz cuzin of Christian?
Oh, that's so much clearer! Thanks for clarifying everything for me.
Hmm... is Christian a person or a place, like some sort of church or school? I actually asked Catina this, and she replied:
Thiz not Jesus?
Jesus? Good luck with that, Catina. I'm pretty sure he died 2,010 years ago. I responded:
"I think Jesus died a long time ago. And if he were alive, I'm not sure you should be trying to game him because it'd be tough to get approval from his dad."
I eagerly anticipated what Catina would say, but I didn't have to wait long because she responded in less than a minute:
I dont beleve thiz not Jesus. Prove it by takn a pic on ur camera fone.
I wasn't giving Catina my picture. Not that I know how to anyway. I'm pretty sure my phone has a camera, but I have no clue how to use it. So, instead of sending over a picture, I told Catina that I don't have a camera in my phone, but she could verify that I'm not Jesus Christ, cuzin of Christian, by checking out my Facebook profile.
Catina wasn't buying it:
Yew don't have a pic fone? F*** yew got the first fone invented? LOL.
So this Catina chick is looking for a guy who died 2,010 years ago, yet she doesn't believe that my "fone" doesn't have a camera? Does anyone else see the irony in this?
Anyway, I defended my inability to use the camera in my next reply to Catina:
"I actually hate technology. Believe it or not, I still use VCRs. Ironically though I make my living online."
This time, Catina's response took a while longer. Five minutes later, she sent her final reply:
Ard pimpin this not who I was lookinq for so ima holla at yew.
Here's what I think happened: The big words I used like "ironically" and "online" confused her so much that it gave her a seizure. That would explain the "ard pimpin" at the beginning of her response.
Let's all pray that Catina was hospitalized in time and was able to survive. And here's to hoping that she eventually finds Jesus.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Gus the Groundhog
Angie C., a fan of this Web site, added me as a friend on Facebook. I clicked on her profile and saw a very amusing status update:
I will never buy Geico insurance simply because of the "pig crying 'whee, wee, wii' all the way home" commercial. Wow... who knew there that many ways to spell that??
Couldn't agree more. In fact, I commented on her status:
"I definitely agree with your take on that Geico commercial. Whenever I see that, I get in the mood for bacon :-)"
Unfortunately, that's not the most annoying talking-animal commercial on TV right now. If you live in Pennsylvania, you know what I'm referring to. If not, let me introduce you to Gus the Groundhog.
Gus the Groundhog is the Pennsylvania lottery's mascot. He's been in millions of commercials over the past decade, and in each of them, he surprises people with lottery tickets. These people then tell Gus the Groundhog how awesome he is, and he doesn't this horrifying laugh that haunts my dreams every night. This wouldn't be too bad, but here in Philly, they showcase this commercial every five minutes.
In short, Gus the Groundhog is a plague and must die.
Let's break down some of the Gus the Groundhog videos I found on YouTube:
OK, I actually have a groundhog living in my backyard, so I feel as though I'm some sort of expert. I'm pretty sure of the following:
Gus the Groundhog's wife's hair isn't real. It's obviously a wig. Just re-watch the video and look at it closely if you don't believe me.
Maybe I'm being perverse here, but why are these two creatures sitting on a couch with their pants off? Did they just get done having a sexy time?
It's impossible for groundhogs to have cable television in their lair. I even went out back to see if my groundhog had cable wires going into his hole. He didn't, and neither do these two frauds.
2. Gus the Groundhog Quarterbacks the Philadelphia Eagles: Yes, this a**hole has somehow made it into the NFL.
I'm very confused as to which position Gus the Groundhog is playing. At first, he appears to be calling out signals like a quarterback. Next, he seems to be flanked out wide. And at the end, he's on the line of scrimmage with the rest of the offensive linemen. I'm beginning to think that Gus the Groundhog is not a real football player.
Let's pretend that the final two clips are make-believe, and that Gus the Groundhog is the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. This brings up some interesting tidbits:
If ESPN NFL Draft analyst Todd McShay hated Notre Dame prospect Jimmy Clausen because he was too short at 6-2, I wonder what McShay would say about Gus the Groundhog...
"Gus the Groundhog is not in the top 40 of my big board. He's only 10 inches tall, so he's way too short to play in the National Football League. Plus, I've talked to some people who have expressed concern about some character issues."
I'm pretty sure I saw about nine possible false-start penalties on the Eagles in that commercial. Maybe that's because their quarterback is moving around so much.
Gus the Groundhog should probably choose another team. QB Dog Killer is somewhere on the sidelines, eagerly anticipating drowning Gus the Groundhog and taking bets on how long he'd last. Wait, maybe that's a good thing.
3. Gus the Groundhog Helps Pathetic Guy on Date: If you thought Gus the Groundhog only knew how to give out lottery tickets and fake his way into the NFL, you're dead wrong. He also assists clueless guys on dates.
As someone on YouTube's comment board pointed out, "The guy is getting his 'rap' from a groundhog? No wonder the lady left him to kiss the animal." Still though, this guy shouldn't feel too bad. The chick he was having dinner with is clearly a freak and into Beastiality.
Like I wrote before, I feel as though I'm an expert on groundhogs because one lives in my backyard. I've observed this groundhog over the past couple of months - in fact, I'm looking at it eat grass right now as I type this - and I'm pretty sure it would never talk about lottery tickets. So let's imagine how this date would have went if a real groundhog gave this idiot advice.
Idiot: Your eyes are like...
Groundhog: Grass. Berries. Grass. Bushes. Eat grass. Eat berries. Grass. Bush. Nom nom nom nom.
Idiot: Grass. Berries. Grass. Bushes. Eat grass. Eat berries. Grass. Bush. Nom nom nom nom.
Beastiality Chick: You think my eyes are like grass, berries and bushes?
Beastiality Chick: Did you just say we're a couple of holes?
Beastiality Chick: You're talking like a groundhog!
Beastiality Chick: And it's really turning me on! Oh, I'm wet already! Let's just skip dinner and go back to my apartment!
As you can clearly see, my groundhog can kick Gus the Groundhog's a**.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
My friend Joe G. posted the following on my Facebook wall:
Brett Favre for jerk of the week for his pictures and voicemails he left to Jenn Sterger, a sideline reporter for the Jets that was released.
Favre definitely deserves Jerks of the Week candidacy for allegedly sending pictures of his wang to some sideline reporter. However, the damage he's done in the Wrangler Jeans commercials is a far greater atrocity.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Walt, you just hate this commercial because Favre pulls a Michael Vick and tosses his dog into the lake at the 13-second mark."
Well, that's only a small portion of my disdain for this ad. What really pisses me off is Favre's commentary, particularly when he's in the truck from the 20-23 second mark.
Seriously, who talks like that? This commercial is just too unbelievable and contrived. If you don't understand why, let's make believe that you're hanging out with Favre. Here's what that conversation would sound like according to this commercial...
You: Hey Brett, what's up?
Brett Favre: I gotta say, these Wrangler jeans are real comfortable.
You: That's cool. Did you bang that sideline reporter? She's hot.
Brett Favre: I gotta say, nothing beats Wrangler comfort. Not even sex with 10 women at the same time.
You: Wow really? Well, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Do you mind hooking me up with one of those 10 chicks?
Brett Favre: I gotta say, I've been wearing these Wrangler jeans since my grandpop gave them to me for my 17th birthday. Been wearin' them ever since.
You: Brett, you're not even listening to me!
Brett Favre: I gotta say, I've never taken these jeans off in my life since my grandpop passed em down to me. I wear em to sleep. I wear em to games. I even wear em in the shower.
You: Ugh. Hold on, I got a text.
Brett Favre: I gotta say, I love throwin' dogs into the lake.
You: It's a pic. Wait, that looks like... eww dude, why did you send me a picture of your wang and nuts?
Brett Favre: I gotta say, I musta sent those to the wrong number. You got me all excited talkin' about Wrangler comfort.
See what I mean? This is much worse than Favre sending out nude photos to some chick.