My top five cereals of all time in no particular order:
Honey Nut Cheerios
Super Mario Bros. Cereal (they used to make this when I was a kid and it was legendary)
OK, that's more than five, but I just couldn't narrow them down. I love my cereal. If cereal were a woman, I would have a sexy time. And if cereal were a man? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I walked into my kitchen Friday morning and spotted a brown box resting on the counter top. It was a box of Cocoa Puffs, but something was different about it. The stupid bird on the cover was pictured with a cereal bowl full of puffs that were both brown and white.
The name of the cereal - Cocoa Puffs Combos: Chocolate and Vanilla!
First of all, I don't know how this box got into my kitchen. I don't remember buying it (though I've been known to make some dubious drunken purchases). Did this cereal come from the future? Did aliens beam this down to see how I would react? Did a rival football Web site owner sprinkle poison on this cereal and sneak it into my house in hopes of debacling me?
Still, I love cereal, so I had to try it. By the way, if I stop typing this Jerk of the Week entry, you'll know that the rival football Web site owner has succeeded in eliminating me. If this happens, my last request is for you guys to avenge my death.
Now, here's a play-by-play sequence of me getting poisoned my attempt to eat these Cocoa Puff Combos:
Pouring into Bowl: The milk isn't bubbling yet, so that's a good sign.
It's so weird to see white Cocoa Puffs. Remember the weird sensation of drinking Crystal Pepsi? This is a thousand times worse. White Cocoa Puffs just aren't meant to exist.
And by the way, the regular brown Cocoa Puffs look different. Instead of small and dark brown, they're larger and a very light brown. They almost look like dog food pebbles. I guess the poison really affected the coloring and size.
First Spoonful: Hmm... not really sure. I can't taste anything. Perhaps my mouth is numb from the poison. Let me try again.
Second Spoonful: Oh God. This is awful. I'm not kidding. This cereal came straight from hell. Stupid aliens - you might as well have beamed down flavorless cardboard cereal like Special K!
Third Spoonful: Ugh. Why would Cocoa Puffs betray me like this? Why God, why!?
Fourth Spoonful: So this is what diarrhea tastes like.
Fifth Spoonful: I'm dead. And it's not the poison. My soul has died eating these Cocoa Puff Combos.
Sixth Spoonful: I think I can hear angels crying.
Seventh Spoonful: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Cartman placed this cereal in my kitchen and pulled a Scott Tenorman on me.
Tenth Spoonful: I'm not even sure if what I taste now is cereal or my own vomit. And I don't really care enough to find out.
I'm done. I can't take it anymore.
I don't think I'll ever forget this. I'm going to have nightmares where I'm forced to eat these Cocoa Puff Combos for all of eternity. I should sue General Mills for making this abomination and causing me emotional distress.
Why couldn't I just have been poisoned?
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Lane Kiffin
Most college football and basketball coaches are money-hungry douche bag whores, so for those of you not familiar with the Lane Kiffin story, let's equate it to a real-life situation:
Let's say you're working at a Home Depot. One day, the store hires a new manager for your shift. This guy is pretty young (early 30s), but only got the job because his dad used to be regional manager for the entire chain. This new manager is nice to you, but he tells you and everyone else at the store how much all of the other managers at the store suck. He claims that they cheat on their hours, take too many sick days and spend a lot of time sleeping in the office while they're on the clock.
Shouldn't a manager of a store be more mature than this? Sure, but he's nice to you, so you're not going to complain, right?
Well, a few months later, this guy is offered the managerial position at Staples and quickly takes it without letting anyone know he planned on leaving. Before going, he goes to every single one of his former employees, including you, and asks everyone to follow him to his new job.
Do you do it even though you'd be earning the same salary at Staples? Of course not. First of all, this guy talked smack about his other co-workers behind their back, so you don't really know if he's doing the same thing about you. And second, how do you know he won't leave for another job in a few months?
Shame on any player following Lane Kiffin from Tennessee to USC. Kiffin shows up as the Vols coach last year, basically accuses every other SEC coach of cheating, leaves for USC a few months later, and gets his assistant coaches to tell the Tennessee players not to attend any classes so they can transfer to Southern Cal without sitting out a whole season. Hey Lane, that's cheating!
Kiffin represents everything wrong with college sports. These players generate millions upon millions of dollars of revenue for the universities, yet they aren't paid a single dime (that we know of). Meanwhile, these coaches preach team unity and school spirit, but as soon as they sense that they can get a better pay check at another college, they bolt faster than Carl Winslow to Red Lobster when it's about to close.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't have any problem with a guy searching for a larger pay day, but these scumbags are jeopardizing the future of these kids in the process. Kiffin told his recruits that he planned on staying at Tennessee for all four of their years, which was obviously a lie. Can't these players sue Kiffin? I'm no legal expert, but if some fat woman can sue McDonald's because her coffee was too hot, I'm sure these football players can sue Kiffin for misrepresenting himself.
Maybe that will end all of this coaching nonsense. If these douche bags want to look for other jobs, they can at least tell recruits, "Look, I can't make any promises. I plan on being at this school for all four years, but if I can earn a more prestigious job, I'm going to take it. I'm just like you - I'm looking for the best situation possible for me and my family."
And you know what? If I were a recruit and I heard this, I would go to that school because I'd know my coach wasn't some lying son of a b***h. I'd rather play for him for two years than some scumbag I can't trust.
So, as I wrote earlier, shame on any Tennessee player who follows Kiffin to USC.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Wade Phillips, Nate Kaeding and Me
Making fun of fat coaches is my passion. Berating drunk kickers for missing field goals makes me happy.
Even though I lost billions of dollars with my crappy picks last weekend, there was a silver lining in that I had some great Nate Kaeding and Wade Phillips material.
For example, upon missing his third field goal and being responsible for San Diego's loss to the Jets, Kaeding had his Wikipedia page vandalized by hundreds of people. The communist Wikipedia moderators managed to delete the changes, but I was able to salvage some of the funnier ones.
Here are my top eight Kaeding comments:
8. Fans have given him the nicknames of "Big c**k choking Nate" and "Mr. choke"
7. Nate Kaeding doesn't have a personal life...he's just a pedophile.
6. Nate Kaeding is a total f***ing f****t b***h and I hope he dies in his sleep tonight.
5. The Chokerville, Iowa native and his wife, Samantha, have two sons, Choke (born on May 7th, 2008) and Gag (born on August 17th, 2009).
4. Nate Kaeding has been labled the biggest Pedophile, choke artist, catamite, p***s licking p***y in the history of football.
3. Kaeding has also been known to wear womens lingerie before important games to help him focus on missing critical chip shots. Nate Kaeding is also Norv Turner's lifemate.
2. Kaeding went up against Cincinnati Bengals kicker, Shayne Graham, in a contest to see who can miss the most field goals in increasingly shorter distances. After they both missed even pushing the ball through the goalpost whilst standing on an elevated platform right in front of the very center of the post, the universe subsequently imploded.
1. Nate and his wife, Samantha, have two sons, Jack (born on May 7th, 2008) and Wyatt (born on August 17th, 2009). After seeing that their father's life was crumbling like buildings in Haiti, they filed for emancipation.
Earlier that day, Wade Phillips had one of the most amusing press conferences in recent memory. Here's what I wrote in my NFL Power Rankings page:
After the game, Mr. Turkey Neck had a funny exchange with a reporter at his press conference:
Reporter: "Why did you try a 48-yard field goal on a 4th-and-1 when Shaun Suisham struggled from that distance all year?"
**Wade Phillips looks confused.**
Wade Phillips: "What?"
Reporter: "He struggled from that distance all year."
Wade Phillips: "That's not true..."
**Wade Phillips looks even more confused.**
Wade Phillips: "He made a 44-yarder earlier this year...???"
Wow. Just wow. I can't believe I bet on this moron in a playoff game. Hey Wade, SUISHAM HIT A 48-YARD FIELD GOAL LAST WEEK! THANKS FOR PAYING ATTENTION!
Other gems from Wobbling Wade on Sunday:
"We'll be all right."
"We throw an interception, we miss a field goal, I think we were playing pretty good."
"We went into desperation mode, Tony was running for his life most of the time."
Desperation Mode, eh?
However, the thought later occurred to me: Am I getting what I deserve? My NFL Picks have been terrible over the past few weeks. Have people been making fun of how fat I am, or how drunk I must be when I'm making my selections?
I posted the hate mail I received over the weekend, but I bet there were hundreds of other people making fun of me on other Web sites, blogs and message boards. In fact, I'm still receiving hate mail. Some guy posted the following on my Facebook wall Tuesday morning:
In fairnesss Walt you have lost the the plot I know you love your stats but 0-7 doesnt read good in anyones books and you have to remember that foorball is a game that can turn on emotion and you cant rely on stats. Moron. And also cheers for switching to the chargers and jinxing me if i had faded you for months i would be a rich man lol lmao rofl.
See? This man is having fun at my expense. Not only did he laugh out loud and laugh his a** off, he also was rolling on the floor laughing. If I had any real feelings, they would be hurt right now.
My response to this guy:
What's 0-7? And what is this foorball sport you speak of? I do not handicap foorball.
And this was when it hit me - I don't care at all about getting any hate mail. I put my stuff out there, and not everyone is going to agree with it. And it's impossible to be right all of the time, so hate mail is only natural. It just comes with the territory.
The same goes with fat coaches like Wade Phillips and stoned kickers like Nate Kaeding. They're paid millions of dollars to do a job. If they suck, they will be bashed by media people, Web site owners like myself and casual fans. As with my hate mail, all of the criticism just comes with the territory. If they don't want any part of it, they can renounce their 7-figure paycheck and go live in the woods somewhere.
So, in closing, Wade Phillips is a jerk for being such a crappy coach. Nate Kaeding is a jerk for showing up drunk to a playoff game. And I'm a jerk for blowing tons of high-unit selections recently.