I don't know why, but the bar my friends and I frequent every Friday night, Tango - now called JC Washington's House - has been dead the past couple of weekends. It used to be jam packed every Thursday, Friday and Saturday when I turned 21, but no one goes there now.
My friend Body Burner and I asked one of the bartenders about this. His response was that they can't book good bands anymore, so no one wants to come. I didn't buy that at all. Bands suck. They play loud music that makes your ears bleed. Plus, most of them just perform other artists' music. I never understood this. If I were in a band:
1. I'd create my own music and then have my lawyer make it so no one in this entire universe could ever cover it.
2. I'd play my music very quietly so no one's ears would bleed.
3. I'd have someone play the triangle because the triangle is awesome. In fact, any band that doesn't have a triangler should just quit right now.
A side note: My late elementary school music teacher used to give out musical instruments during class, and we'd all play them at the same time to a song. I always wanted the triangle, but noooo, she always gave it to someone else. I always got stuck with the damn xylophone. To this day, I hate xylophones with a strong passion.
Anyway, I completely disagreed with the bartender about blaming the bar's dwindling customer base on the lack of bands. I thought hard, and I attributed it to Drunkest Woman Ever giving out multiple STDs to everyone during her $1.75 blow job sessions. Guys simply stopped coming because it's not fun when urinating becomes a painful experience.
Or here's a thought - maybe it's because there are a number of creepy people who hang out there. For instance, Body Burner and I were talking about something a few weeks ago when this guy in his 40s with a crazy expression on his face approached us out of nowhere:
Crazy Hair Guy: Hey, uhh... you have any hair?
Body Burner: Hair? What?
Crazy Hair Guy: Hair? Uhh... any hair? Hair? Any hair?
Me: What are you talking about?
Crazy Hair Guy: Never mind! Never mind!
Crazy Hair Guy proceeded to stumble away and then presumably asked others the same question. We had never seen him before, and an hour later, we had never seen him again when he bolted out the door. Apparently, no one had this magical hair he was desperately seeking. Poor guy.
Crazy Hair Guy just happened to be one of a few jerks I've encountered at Tango the past few weeks. Here are some others:
1. Kissy Man and the Jealous Mexican:
I've discussed some of the older patrons at Tango. The most infamous is Drunken Santa Claus, who actually tests jets for a living. There are other strange people, two of whom I will refer to as Kissy Man and the Jealous Mexican.
I arrived at the bar around 11, but I was told that the two men were sitting next to each other a couple of hours earlier. They were drinking together until this songstress went up on stage*** and started singing. This is when the friendship between the two gentlemen came to an unceremonious conclusion.
*** Note: By "stage," I mean "corner of the bar" because Tango does not have a stage in its current setup. ***
I was told that Jealous Mexican, a bespectacled guy with long hair, stared down the songstress for a good half hour. He was in love. He completely stopped paying attention to Kissy Man, who continued to talk to Jealous Mexican. Kissy Man eventually realized that Jealous Mexican wasn't listening to him. And that's when he gazed up on the songstress for the first time.
It was love at first sight. Or, to be more accurate, sexual infatuation on his part alone at first sight. Kissy Man hopped out of his chair and approached the "stage." He then raised his hands in the air and swayed them from side to side. He would then blow kisses at the songstress and press his hand against his heart, indicating that he fell in love with her. Many more blown kisses and arm-swaying instances would ensue.
Now, remember, the bar was dead at this point, so no one there was paying attention to the songstress except for Kissy Man and the Jealous Mexican. As Kissy Man continued to shower the songstress with blown kisses, the songstress continuously looked at him with a nervous expression on her face, almost as if she thought he was going to rape her in the parking lot after she was finished. She then saw us laughing at Kissy Man, so she giggled a bit during one of her songs, seemingly happy to realize that other people at the bar thought that guy was a major creeper.
As for Jealous Mexican? He was pissed. You see, Kissy Man was standing in front of the "stage," so Jealous Mexican could no longer see the songstress. In an instant, Jealous Mexican lost the love of his night to his former best friend. I noticed him staring out into the distance with a tear in his eye.
I was texting an awesome girl who loves football at the time and I told her about this story. I thought she'd appreciate it because she recently told me about an instance in which a creepy guy approached her while she was eating lunch and said: "Let me buy you a beer when I'm not broke - which sometimes I am but sometimes I'm not!"
See? This is proof that Tango is better than some metropolitan restaurant. At least our creepy weirdos can afford beer.
2. Body Burner:
Body Burner is on fire. After pleading his case to be a Jerk of the Week for several years, he's now made the distinction twice in the past three weeks.
No, Body Burner did not trick me into thinking that calamari was fried chicken again. That's not happening twice. What he did was far more egregious. He had the nerve to insist to his girlfriend Jamie that he and I do not have a bromance.
Upon walking into Tango, Jamie approached me with the news:
Jamie: Body Burner told me that you two don't have a bromance together. I think you do.
Me: Of course we do. Why would he say that we don't?
Jamie: I don't know. You guys always go swimming together. Is it true that you lather each other up before your workout?
Me: Umm... no, we lather each other up after the workout.
Jamie: Oooh, and I imagine that you sit in the sauna together afterward and beat each other with those leaves.
Me: Nah, we sit in the hot tub together. And yes, leaves.
Jamie then summoned Body Burner to complain about his reluctance to refer to what we have as a bromance. As he walked over, Jamie noticed that for the second consecutive week, Body Burner and I "accidentally" coordinated our outfits. We both wore green shirts and khaki shorts on two straight Friday nights. It's not like we planned this while taking a dip in the hot tub after a steamy workout or anything.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
3. The Two Missing Bartenders:
My friend Caveman arrived at the bar before I did. He approached my cousin Polina and had the following conversation with her:
Caveman: She's one of the few reasons I wanted to come here tonight!
Caveman's night was ruined. Every other guy at Tango probably felt the same way. But Blondtender wasn't the only bartender who was MIA. Male Bartender, who spent 20 minutes catching kisses from a fat lady instead of serving us beers in my Eight Grievances Jerks of the Week entry, was also absent. And I don't think he's coming back.
The last time I saw Male Bartender was three weeks ago. I tried to order a Bud Light bottle around midnight, but had extreme difficulty doing so. Male Bartender was on the phone and wasn't facing any customers. I tried to get his attention, but he couldn't hear me. When he finally turned around, I said, "Hey!" but he just put his index finger up to indicate that he'd be with me in a second.
Several minutes later, he was still on the phone and I had enough.
Me: BUD LIGHT BOTTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Male Bartender: Hold on. Wait, hold on. Wait one second...
Me: I WANT A BUD LIGHT BOTTLE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Male Bartender: Hold on, I'll call you right back. Ugh.
Male Bartender actually said "ugh" and had a disgusted look on his face because I wouldn't let him talk on the phone. I'm so sorry, Male Bartender. Next time I'll let you talk all night while I wait at the bar for you to finish your precious conversation.
I wasn't the only one who was pissed at Male Bartender. The Blondtender went on a rant at the end of the night. I overheard part of it:
"I can't believe he just left. It wasn't even the end of his shift. He didn't put the orders in correctly either, and I think we're missing money because of him, so it's going to have to come out of our tips. He's such an idiot, I can't stand him anymore. He's really making me sick."
So, in just one night, Male Bartender managed to:
Piss off one of his best Friday night customers.
Refuse to serve alcohol because he was on the phone.
Screw up orders, costing the other employees tip money.
Leave work early without telling anyone.
Make the Blondtender sick, depressing poor Caveman just one week later.
No wonder there aren't many people coming to Tango anymore.
4. Melvis and Slav... And Frederico:
There weren't many people at Tango on Friday night, but Melvis and Slav happened to be there. If you don't remember who those two Russian gentlemen are, they're the ones who went around groping every girl at the bar in the Gay Guy Who Wanted to Bang Me entry.
Melvis and Slav hadn't shown their faces at Tango since, but they happened to be there that night. They also brought a fat Russian friend named Frederico. I actually don't know if that's his name, but I came up with it during the following exchange with my friends.
Me: I need a name for that fat Russian guy. Anyone have any ideas?
Val: How about Boris?
Me: No. Too common.
Marlana: Too common? What does that mean?
Me: It's too stereotypical. How about Frederico?
Val: Frederico? That's not a Russian name.
Me: No! If I say Frederico is a Russian name, then it's a Russian name!
Anyway, Melvis and Slav sat at the bar talking to each other, looking sullen that there weren't many breasts to squeeze at the bar that night. Frederico, meanwhile, was trying to talk to some unattractive chick wearing glasses. I wonder what they all said to each other. Melvis and Slav first - let's find out where these two lads have been.
Melvis: Oi, Slav, I very depressing.
Slav: Vhat iz it Melvis? Vhat wrong?
Melvis: Vee come to zis country of American, land of opportunity, and I read een magazine that girl like vhen you touching boobies. But vhen vee touching boobies, zey ezeir heet us or call police.
Slav: You right, Melvis. I remember reading zis magazine. Zis magazine lying. Vee just spend sree mons een jail for touching girl boobies.
Melvis: Oi, Slav, my anoos still hurting from ven zis big guy make me bend in shouver and he stick penoos in mine anoos.
Slav: Zat iz nasing, Melvis. Von time, sree guy open my anoos and shoving penoos inside. My anoos always pain now.
Melvis: And look, Slav. Vee now out of jail and zere iz no girl in Tango. Vhere all girl and boobie go?
Slav: Maybe zey vent to Canada like you say.
Melvis: Oi, yes, I read in anozer magazine zat girl een Canada love when you put mouse on boobies.
Slav: Let us go to Canada zen, Melvis! But vee have to vait unteel Frederico stop talking to ugly girl vis zee small boobies.
Meanwhile, as mentioned, fat Frederico was talking to the ugly girl with the glasses and "zee small boobies." He spent a good 15 minutes conversing with her. I can only imagine what they were discussing.
Frederico: Vhat you say? I no can hear vis zis loud musics.
Girl Vis Zee Small Boobies: No, I can't give you any tonight.
Frederico: Vhy not? Vhy you no can make Frederico happy?
Girl Vis Zee Small Boobies: I'm saving it for someone special.
Frederico: Vhy Frederico no special? Frederico very very special! No von more special zan Frederico!
Girl Vis Zee Small Boobies: I just met you. I don't give it up to someone I just met.
Frederico: Vhat does Frederico need do to make change mind?
Girl Vis Zee Small Boobies: Nothing, Frederico, I'm sorry. Maybe if you got to know me...
Frederico: Oh no, I sink I go Canada soon. OK, Frederick understand. How about give apple tort?
Girl Vis Zee Small Boobies: What?
Frederico: Do you have apple torn een your flat? Frederico really vant apple tort.
Girl Vis Zee Small Boobies: Ugh, no. I told you, I'm not giving up my lemon tort to you since I barely know you, so why would I give you any apple tort?
Frederico: But Frederico very very hungry. Frederico no eat for 45 minoot!
Girl Vis Zee Small Boobies: Sorry, Frederico. But I'm not giving you any food.
At that point, Frederico slumped back to the bar and spoke with Melvis and Slav for a few minutes. The three then walked out of Tango together, presumably to drive up to Canada so they can eat women's desserts and grope breasts without getting into trouble.
So, Melvis and Slav, and now Frederico are all gone. That's obviously great news. It means that people can start coming back to Tango again - and it doesn't even matter if there's a band playing there or not.