Jerks of the Week - Feb. 16, 2015





Jerks of the Week: Feb. 16, 2015


JERK OF THE WEEK: Return to Kyoto - The Japanese Nightmare

I had a nightmare recently where I was forced to go to a baseball game. This family I've never met before - comprised of a stern-looking father, a short mother and their fat daughter - forced me to go to the ballpark. I didn't want to go at all. They dragged me, kicking and screaming. All I wanted to do was stay home.

I obviously like sports, but baseball sucks. There's nothing more boring than watching fat "athletes" standing around and scratching their balls for four hours. There's just as much excitement at the DMV, and you can go there for free.

At any rate, I was forced to sit through the whole game next to the fat, blond-haired daughter, who had this putrid stench emanating from her. Making matters worse, this giant column was obstructing the view of the field. So, not only did I have to endure watching a boring sport; I couldn't even see it!

I woke up in a sweat and checked my phone. One missed call from my mom. I called her back, and she informed me of her birthday plans.

Mom: We're going to Kyoto, that Japanese restaurant near you, for my birthday dinner.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOODDDDD WHYYYYYYYYYY AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Mom: What? You don't like it there?

Me: IT'S THE WORST PLACE EVER AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I pinched myself just in case I was in another nightmare. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I wouldn't be forced to watch a baseball game while sitting next to some fat chick, but I would have to eat dinner at Kyoto one night. I didn't know which one was worse. Suddenly, the fat chick's stench didn't seem so bad.

If you're wondering why I was so distraught over my mom's decision, I wrote about my time at Koyoto for my sister's birthday in October. Among the lowlights:

  • I decided that an evil Japanese president, hell bent on revenge for Hiroshima, orchestrated a plot to make Americans eat raw fish. The purpose was so he could make fun of them because no sane human being would want to eat raw fish without being told that it was "cool."

  • I didn't like anything on the menu, which was as long as a Game of Thrones book. Of course, I didn't understand half of it. I think one item said "sacrificed cat's hairballs," which had me wondering if the hairballs of a sacrificed cat were better than those that belonged to a cat that had died of natural causes.

  • I ultimately opted for chicken and shrimp hibachi. The hibachi master made my chicken and shrimp, yet gave some to everyone else sitting with me. Yet, when he made the steak for my dad - he ordered steak and shrimp hibachi - only my dad received the steak. I'm still pissed off about that.

  • I was extremely upset because the hibachi master had a red squirt bottle in his tray. I assumed this was ketchup. I love ketchup, so it made me happy - until he squeezed the bottle and a clear liquid came out. That stupid a**hole got my hopes up for nothing. What a douche.

    At any rate, the unfortunate day had finally arrived. The day before, I was hoping I'd keep waking up, and it would be the same day over and over again. I would've killed to be Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, but I didn't have such luck. That evening, my girlfriend and I drove over to Kyoto - we would've walked, but we feared that the sidewalk would still be slippery from the snowstorm the day before - and I braced myself for what I knew would be a horrifying dining experience.





    Appetizers:

    My girlfriend and I were the last ones to arrive, so we found my parents, sister and her fiance sitting at the hibachi table. Across the way was another family, and the patriarch was someone who looked oddly familiar. Then it hit me - it was Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer!

    OK, fine, it wasn't the real Urban Meyer, but it definitely was his long-lost twin. Fake Meyer looked extremely smug, almost as if he just signed a five-star recruit. He was sitting with a bunch of people who appeared to be typical Russians. They all had slicked-back hair, and they wore leather jackets and cheesy gold necklaces - typical Russian attire.

    They weren't Russians, however. I heard them talk, and they definitely weren't speaking Russian. My dad looked at them disdainfully.

    Dad: F***ing gypsies.

    Me: Gypsies?

    Dad: Yeah, look at them. Motherf***ers.

    Me: How do you know they're gypsies?

    Dad: I can tell. Lots of bad experiences with gypsies. I can spot them from a mile away. F***ing a**holes.

    My mom interrupted my dad, who was staring down the gypsies with venomous hatred. "Anyone want appetizers?" she asked. I knew it was futile, but I flipped back to the appetizer section. Most of it looked like gibberish, though I did spot the sacrificed cat's hairballs - a fine Kyoto specialty.

    Girlfriend: See anything you like?

    Me: Mozzarella sticks.

    I said this jokingly, though a part of my soul died in the process because I really did want mozzarella sticks. The waitress came by a couple of minutes later, and she asked what we wanted as appetizers.

    "We'll take the mozzarella sticks," my girlfriend said.

    The waitress sported a completely puzzled expression. I was equally confused. Were there really mozzarella sticks at a Japanese restaurant? I quickly glanced at the appetizer page to make sure, and unfortunately, there were not.

    Me: I was kidding about the mozzarella sticks.

    Girlfriend: You jerk!

    Me: Of the week.

    Girlfriend: You better not make me a Jerk of the Week, or I'll punch you!

    Me: I think I'm the jerk for this one.

    I said this in front of the waitress, but in truth, Kyoto is the real jerk. What sort of restaurant doesn't carry mozzarella sticks as appetizers? What an outrage. I feel like every restaurant should be required to carry mozzarella sticks, bacon cheeseburgers and cheese fries.

    You might be thinking, Walt, why would a Japanese restaurant have those items when they're not Japanese? Well, to that, I would say that the Japanese should go f*** themselves and invent mozzarella sticks, bacon cheeseburgers and cheese fries. Because that's stuff people actually want to eat - unlike sacrificed cat hairballs.


    Main Course:

    Everyone was eating their salad when the hibachi master came along. Everyone but me, of course, because they put this yellow goo on my salad. It looked like mustard, and I hate mustard, so I opted not to eat it.

    Sister: Why aren't you eating your salad?

    Me: I hate mustard!

    Sister: It's ginger.

    Me: Same Japanese bulls***.

    The hibachi master, meanwhile, was twirling his various tools in the air to impress the paying customers. This got me thinking - I wonder if hibachi masters are failed ninjas. Think about it - they can do all of this fancy stuff with knives and other utensils, and they can make cool fire, and yet all they do is work in a restaurant. I feel like these people went to ninja academy to become ninjas, but they either dropped out because they earned bad grades or got some skank pregnant.

    The hibachi master did some neat aerial stuff with his utensils, and then he began squirting stuff onto the hibachi grill. He reached for the third bottle - one of the clear ones - and he dropped it. I wish I would've taken a picture of his face because I can't properly describe how depressed he was upon doing so. Hibachi masters are supposed to be super skillful to delight the customers, and he was until he dropped the bottle. He looked like he shamed his family and wanted to kill himself.

    No wonder he never graduated ninja school, I thought.

    The hibachi master began cooking stuff. As he was doing so, my girlfriend, who wasn't mad at me anymore - at least I hope not - got my attention.

    "Look at the gypsies," she said. "Doesn't it look like they want to steal our souls by the way they're looking at our food?"

    She was right. The gypsies were all watching our food cook with extreme envy. I could see why my dad hates them so much. I almost wanted to grab a hose and spray the gypsies with it so they'd run away. Everyone knows that gypsies hate high-pressure water, which is why they never shower; they bathe in rivers and other people's swimming pools instead.

    Fortunately, they weren't getting any of the food the hibachi master was currently preparing. He eventually used the red squeeze bottle, and once again, it was a clear liquid. I cursed under my breath, but I was then relieved when clear liquid came out of the yellow bottle. I don't even care if it was urine; it would've been better than mustard or ginger, or whatever the hell the Japanese put on their salads to completely ruin them.

    I quickly made a note to myself to bring a packet of Ranch dressing if I ever go to Kyoto again, so I can use it after asking them to hold the mustard. Of course, the note I took from the previous trip was to order steak and shrimp instead of chicken and shrimp. My girlfriend was confused when I made the order.

    Girlfriend: I thought you liked chicken more than steak.

    Me: I do, but they're going to give each of us some chicken, but only the people who order the steak will get steak. So, I'm basically going for all of the food items.

    Girlfriend: I don't think it works that way.

    Me: It does! Last time they gave my pieces of chicken to everyone!

    Girlfriend: I think that was just shrimp and vegetables.

    Me: Chicken too. Trust me, I got this all figured out.

    Naturally, the hibachi master gave some vegetables to everyone, and he did the same thing for the shrimp. He dumped the rest of the shrimp onto my plate along with the rice. He did the same with the steak, only giving some to those who ordered it.

    The chicken was last. My girlfriend could see I was getting my hopes up, so I guess she didn't want my dreams to get crushed. "I don't think you're getting any chicken, babe," she said.

    "You'll see, I replied." The hibachi master dumped half the chicken onto my sister's plate and then the rest onto her fiance's plate. No more chicken. I did not get a single piece.

    I CAN'T F***ING BELIEVE THIS BULLS***. WHY DOES EVERYONE GET PIECES OF MY SHRIMP, AND YET NO ONE GETS ANY PIECES OF CHICKEN OR STEAK!? WHY DID I HAVE TO GIVE MY PIECES OF CHICKEN AWAY LAST TIME!?!? F***ING A**HOLE JAPANESE PEOPLE. THEY SHOULD EITHER GIVE OUT NO SHRIMP TO ANYONE ELSE, OR GIVES PIECES OF CHICKEN AND STEAK TO EVERYONE ELSE! WHY IS IT DIFFERENT WITH CHICKEN AND STEAK!? IT'S F***ING BULLS*** AND I WON'T STAND FOR IT ANYMORE. I'M GLAD WE F***ING BOMBED JAPAN AFTER THE GERMANS ATTACKED PEARL HARBOR BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE PROBABLY F***ING PISSED THAT THE FAILED NINJA F*** HIBACHI MASTER A**HOLES GAVE EVERYONE PIECES AND SHRIMP, BUT THEY DIDN'T GET ANY F***ING PIECES OF F***ING STEAK OR CHICKEN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sorry. Just got a tad bit pissed off.







    Dessert:

    I gulfed down the food. I was starving, so I quickly shoved everything into my mouth. My mom took notice and made a remark.

    "Walt, looks like you don't hate Kyoto after all!"

    I tried to answer, but my mouth was full. No, I still hate Kyoto. I despise Kyoto. But I'll eat steak, shrimp and rice, especially if I'm hungry. I just hate Kyoto and all Japanese restaurants for all of the ancillary reasons. Seriously, they can't have mozzarella sticks on their menu?

    I could've used the mozzarella sticks because I was seriously still hungry after I cleaned up my plate. Ironically, my sister and mom, both of whom wanted to go to Kyoto, barely touched their food, as they asked the waitress for boxes. I, meanwhile, half-joked about wanting to go to the cheesesteak place across the street. OK, it was a non-joke. I could've devoured an entire cheesesteak after that meal. That's how ineffective Japanese food is for me.

    I told my mom I was still starving, and she was surprised. "They have fried ice cream," she suggested.

    Fried ice cream? I was shocked. I figured a typical Japanese dessert would be sacrificed cat's frozen breast milk. Fried ice cream would actually be something I'd enjoy.

    My girlfriend was excited about the prospect as well. She asked the waitress if they had chocolate, but she responded, "Oh no, we onry have a vanirra and a green tea."

    Green tea ice cream? God, this place sucks. Who the hell eats green tea ice cream? Gypsies, actually, because I heard one of them order some. F***ing a**holes.

    At any rate, the fried ice cream arrived. Without any spoons. I don't know if the waitress forgot to give us any, or if it's Japanese custom to eat fried ice cream without any silverware. My girlfriend suddenly looked depressed. She didn't get her chocolate fried ice cream, and she couldn't even eat the vanilla type they gave us because we didn't receive any spoons.

    I didn't ask her, but I think she would've agreed that a boring baseball game would've been better than this.

    LOADING COMMENTS...



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    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Sept. 20


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 14


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - June 1


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5









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