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Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011




Jerks of the Week for June 6, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: My Gym

People constantly look for signs that bad things are going to happen. For instance, the senile old man and his glue-sniffing moron followers who thought the Rapture was going to occur on May 21 were expecting earthquakes. Several others, including myself, believe that a shortage of hamburgers and hot dogs will be the catalyst for the end of the world. Rosie O'Donnell will consume the planet because there won't be anything else to eat.

But what about my gym? Is there any way I can predict if there will be lots of fat women or annoying kids in the pool? You may not think so, but there definitely is.

Whenever Russian Mustache Chick (a cute, but mustachioed Russian chick) is working the front desk, something bad always happens. If you recall, I was nearly gunned down by ex-cons playing in a basketball league the first time I ever mentioned Russian Mustache Chick. A week later, I got into a fight with White Afro Lady. Russian Mustache Chick is clearly the key. I'd call in ahead of time and avoid the gym if she's working that day, but then I wouldn't have any jerks to write about. And what fun would that be?

I showed up at the gym at 3 p.m. this past Sunday (the day before Memorial Day). My gym closes at 4 on Sundays, so because I had an hour to swim a mile, I took my time and talked to some people. I eventually got changed and walked out of the locker room and onto the pool deck at 3:17. My friend Vasil was lifeguarding that day, and as soon as he saw me, he walked over:

Vasil: Hey, the pool closes at 3:30.

Me: What? No, it closes at 4 on Sundays.

Vasil: Usually, yes, but the gym is closed for Memorial Day tomorrow.

Me: Huh? What does Memorial Day have to do with today? It's not Memorial Day yet!

Vasil: I don't know.

Vasil just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, confused as I was about my gym's idiotic rules. Seriously, why the hell does the gym have to be closed a half hour early on the day before Memorial Day? What purpose does that serve besides pissing off the members?

Making matters worse, every single lap lane was full. I'll describe:

Lane 1: Two corpses were floating in the lane. I'm not kidding. There were two old men who were just floating in the water and not moving anywhere. I'm not sure when their time of death occurred, but I wasn't taking any chances after watching The Walking Dead.

Lane 2: A man and a woman occupied this lane. The woman was an elderly lady who sported an awesome comb-over hairstyle. The man looked like Mr. Green from Clue. Unfortunately, he did not have a cigar in his mouth.

Lane 3: A pair of fat ladies patrolled Lane 3. Since it was close to dinner time, swimming with them meant certain death.

Lane 4: One fat lady occupied Lane 4. She was in her mid-to-late 60s. She sported a magenta bathing suit and this really weird hairstyle. First of all, it looked like her hair was gelled up like some punk rocker. And second, I can't even describe her hair color. It was sort of a purplish-orangeish-reddish hue. I swear, if a Crayola employee saw her hair, there would be a brand new crayon color within a week.

I took my chances in Lane 4. I'd be zombified in Lane 1, killed by a candlestick in Lane 2 and eaten alive in Lane 3, so I really had no other choice. I hoped that I'd scare Fat Magenta Woman into one of the two free-swim lanes.

My plan failed. Instead of moving into Lanes 5 or 6, Fat Magenta Woman positioned herself onto the lane line and started kicking feverishly. At first I thought she was excited about munching on the lane line, but I soon realized that she was actually trying to kick me. Yep, while I tried to intimidate her out of Lane 4, she was doing the same thing to me. Fortunately, I swim well, and I was able to avoid being crushed by her monstrous legs.

I swam about 700 yards before Vasil tried kicking everyone out of the pool at 3:30. This did not go over so well with the fat women.

Vasil: It's 3:30, the pool is closed.

Fat Russian Woman: VAT DO YOU MEAN POOL IS CLOSE? POOL CLOSE AT 4; NOT SREE-SIRTY!

Vasil: It closes at 3:30 today because it's Memorial Day tomorrow.

Fat Russian Woman: IZ NO GOOD! I PAY MEMBERSHIP HERE 25 YEAR! POOL ALWAYS CLOSE AT 4 ON SUNDAY!

Vasil: I'm sorry.

Fat Russian Woman: I NEED SIRTY MORE MINUTE TO CATCH AND EAT GUY SVIMMING IN LANE 4 NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

OK, I made the last part up, but Vasil did in fact have a similar conversation with just about all the people in the pool. Everyone was angry. Comb-Over Lady even threatened to stop paying her membership fees.

I felt sorry for Vasil because he had to deal with this, but I really can't blame everyone for being pissed off. Hell, I was furious too. There was no reason to close the gym half an hour early on the day before Memorial Day.

I just wish I could have done something about it. Hmm...






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Pool Revolution

A pool revolution! That's what I should have done. I should have united the fat women and the corpses, and took a stand against my gym's maniacal and inexplicable policies.

In all honesty, I actually thought about staging a pool revolution, but my only reservation was that Vasil would have gotten into trouble. I don't want to get any of my friends fired, you know? But the next time the gym decides to screw the members over like this, I'm starting a pool revolution as long as I don't know the lifeguard.

I wonder what would have happened though if I actually went through with my pool revolution...

Vasil: The pool is closed at 3:30 everyone. Time to get out.

Me: NO!!!!

Vasil: What?

Me: I will not stand for this anymore. This gym likes to screw us over all the time. They close the pool at random times during the week. They rent out the pool to anyone who has $5 in their pocket. They used to close at 9:30 on weekdays and 4:30 on weekends, but now it's 9 and 4. I refuse to let the man bully me around anymore!

Vasil: Come on, Walt. I just want to go home.

Me: We all want to go home. But not at 3:30. We want to go home at 4 - like we all planned on doing before the Man changed the hours today!

Vasil: But I had nothing to do with...

Me: People of the gym pool - join me in rebelling against these evil gym people! I will not stand for this anymore, and neither should you! Give me another half hour, or give me a free membership!!!!! Who's with me!?!?!?

Comb-Over Lady: I'm with you! I will not pay my membership anymore!

Fat Russian Lady: ME WANT TO STAY SIRTY MINUTE MORE SO ME CAN EAT YOU!!!

Corpse A: UHHHHH... MUHHHH... UHHH...

Me: See? I already have three followers! Other pool patrons, join our pool revolution!

Fat American Woman: FRIEND IN MAGENTA BATHING SUIT, ME SEE YOU EATING LANE LINE. LANE LINE VERY TASTY WITH KETCHUP AND COCOA SAUCE!

Fat Magenta Woman: NO, ME NO EAT LANE LINE. ME TRY TO KICK GUY IN LANE 4 WHO RUIN MY SWIM-SWIM.

Corpse B: Ehh??? Who shaid anything about shwimming? I wantsh to go to the poolsh.

Mr. Green: What did you just say? You're in the pool now, idiot.

Corpse B: Weh??? Where I am? Who am I?

Mr. Green: I've had enough of you, Corpse B.

*** Mr. Green kills Corpse B with the rope in the conservatory. ***

Me: Damn it, Mr. Green. That's one less recruit for our pool revolution.

Comb-Over Lady: I agree, Mr. Green. Stop killing people!

Mr. Green: Quiet, woman.

Comb-Over Lady: No! Everywhere we go, it's rope this, revolver that. When will the killing end?

Mr. Green: Woman, I said quiet for the last time. Now you'll be silenced forever.

*** Mr. Green kills Comb-Over Lady with the wrench in the billiard room. ***

Me: Great, Mr. Green. Now it's just you, me, that zombie and three fat women. What kind of revolution is that?

Fat Magenta Woman: DO YOU KNOW WHY ME TRY TO KARATE KICK YOU? NOT ONLY YOU RUIN MY SWIM-SWIM, YOU CALL ME AND MY FRIENDS FAT ON JERKS OF ZEE WEEKS!

Me: That's because you guys take up the whole lane and try to eat innocent people like me.

Fat American Woman: BUT YOU VERY TASTY NOM NOM NOM.

Fat Magenta Woman: AGREE. NOW ME TRY TO KNOCK HIM OUT SO WE CAN SPLIT TASTY AMERICAN MALE 50-50 AGREE YOU?

Fat American Woman: AGREE ME. YOU KNOCK HIM OUT, ME GO GRAB KETCHUP AND COCOA SAUCE.

Me: Wait, guys, what happened to our pool revolution?

Fat Magenta Woman: HADOUKEN!

Me: Whoa, did you just heave a blue fireball at me?

Fat Magenta Woman: HADOUKEN! HADOUKEN! HADOUKEN! HADOUKEN! HADOUKEN!

Me: Come on, fight fair. I'm getting tired of blocking while my energy slowly drains away.

Mr. Green: This definitely is not fair. Don't worry, I'll take care of this.

*** Mr. Green kills all three fat women with the lead pipe in the ball room. ***

Me: Phew. That was a close one.

*** Corpse A bites Mr. Green on the arm and runs into the locker room to look for more humans. Mr. Green bleeds to death and will almost certainly turn into a zombie in 4-24 hours. ***

Me: Ah, crap. There's no one left in my pool revolution.

Vasil: You have to get out now.

Me: How dare you? Didn't you hear that I've started a pool revolution?

Vasil: Yeah, I know, but your "revolution" has already lasted 30 minutes. It's 4 already. You have to get out of the pool anyway.

Me: God damn it.

You know, based on this alone, I beginning to think that starting a pool revolution isn't such a good idea.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Shoe Bench Man

As mentioned, my gym accepts money from anyone, so they have no problems giving memberships to complete nut jobs. I've mentioned creeper extraordinaire No Space Man multiple times. Now, I'd like to discuss a guy I'd like to call Shoe Bench Man.

Shoe Bench Man is a short Russian guy in his 60s. He actually looks a lot like an older version of Barney Rubble. Just imagine Barney with white hair. That's Shoe Bench Man.

Shoe Bench Man isn't the happiest guy in the world. One Friday a few months ago, Shoe Bench Man was sitting on a locker room bench with a grimace on his face. My friend Joe noticed this and started messing with him.

Joe: Look at this guy, he has the biggest and brightest smile in the world!

Shoe Bench Man: No, no, I no smile.

Joe: This guy has the best smile I've ever seen.

Shoe Bench Man: No, I never smile in my whole life!

In your whole life, eh? Were you raped by a creepy uncle at 6 months old and then put into foster care your entire childhood, or something?

So, Shoe Bench Man is depressed, but that's not why I'm making him a Jerk of the Week. It's because of an exchange I had with him about a month ago.

It was an ordinary Friday, and I walked into the pool locker room around 3. I sat down, untied my shoes and put them on the bench. Shoe Bench Man took issue with this.

Shoe Bench Man: Why you always put shoe on bench?

Me: Umm... what?

Shoe Bench Man: You always put shoe on bench. Every day I see you, you put shoe on bench. Always! Why you always put shoe on bench?

Me: Uhh... I don't know?

Shoe Bench Man: You don't know!? If you don't know, who know!?

Me: I don't know. Who cares anyway?

Shoe Bench Man: Who cares... ha, who cares! I care! Everybody care!

Me: I don't think everybody cares if I put my shoes on the bench.

Shoe Bench Man: No, everybody care. Everybody care except you! Everybody care because shoe is dirty. I read in magazine - shoe is the dirtiest thing in the world.

He read this in a magazine? What sort of magazine publishes an article about shoes being the dirtiest thing in the world? Must be a very boring magazine made for people who have never smiled in their entire life.

Anyway, this guy was clearly out of his mind, so I decided to have some fun with him.

Me: So, are you sure that shoes are the dirtiest thing in the world?

Shoe Bench Man: Yes. I told you I read zis in magazine.

Me: So, you're saying that shoes are dirtier than Lindsay Lohan?

Shoe Bench Man: Yes, shoes much dirtier than... uhh... Blindsay Lohans.

Me: What about socks? Socks are dirty and stinky.

Shoe Bench Man: Socks iz second dirtiest thing in the world but zey have protection.

Me: Protection from what?

Shoe Bench Man: Protection from shoe!

I'm not sure how that works, but I guess I have no choice but to believe Shoe Bench Man. After all, I don't spend my days reading articles about shoes and how dirty they may or may not be.

Shoe Bench Man is nuts and could stab me, so I'm never going to put my shoes on the locker benches ever again. Well, not until Mr. Green has his way with Shoe Bench Man. Shoe Bench Man definitely won't be smiling when he's being attacked with a candlestick in the library.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Dec. 19


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 17


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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