I've complained about how horrible Hollywood has been as far as its movie-making creativity is concerned over the lifespan of Jerks of the Week. Movies have blown for the most part over the past decade, with everything seemingly being a rehash or a sequel of something else. It's like the people in Hollywood don't have a single creative cell in their brains anymore.
Well, I don't know what has happened, but the movies this year look promising. There are a number of films my fiancee and I have wanted to see. We already checked out Split, which was cool, and we planned on seeing Get Out this past Saturday. I actually wanted to see the Belko Experiment, but I was overruled.
Unfortunately, seemingly everyone in the tri-state area had similar ideas about going to the movies because the Neshaminy Mall theater was absolutely packed. At first, I assumed it was because of the weather. This March has set record-lows for temperature in Philadelphia, with it being 35 degrees or colder every single day after March 4. We had a freaking blizzard in the middle of this month, and as of this writing (March 19), there is still six inches of snow on the ground outside!
Look, I don't want to get political, but this global cooling thing is a major problem. It absolutely needs to be stopped before we enter into another ice age. So please, all of you, burn fossil fuels and spray aerosol cans into the atmosphere so that we can end this global cooling madness. Let's make March warm again.
Aside from the weather, there were two other reasons why there was such a long line to enter the movies. First, Beauty and the Beast released that particular weekend. Speaking of rehashes. Why do people want to see this atrocity of a film? Beauty and the Beast was perfectly fine as a cartoon. We don't need to see it in live action. And what the hell is Hermoine doing in the movie? I don't want to see Hermoine anywhere unless she has a magic wand and is arrogantly correcting her two doofus friends on how to correctly pronounce spells. Couldn't this movie at least have cast someone new and refreshing instead of some washed-up actress?
Quick hot take: I actually don't think that any Hollywood star should ever be able to act in a major role twice. Furthermore, these actors should actually have to become these characters. How cool would it be if Peter Dinklage was an alcoholic aristocrat who f***ed lots of prostitutes and shot his dad with a crossbow? Or what if the Hermoine girl - I don't care to know what her real name is - was really a chick who was able to cast magic spells? Such a world would be awesome, and I'm sure we'd be free of global cooling in this reality.
The second reason why the line was so long was because there were only two people working the registers. There are five or six registers at AMC Neshaminy, but only two were being used for some reason. I had no idea why at the time, but I found out later. Unfortunately, this was a recurring theme, as there were only two people working the concession stand, when, again, there were registers for six employees. My fiancee sat down without any cheesy pretzels or soda - our movie tradition - but just as Get Out started, she said, "F*** this, I want snacks!" I tried to tell her it was OK, but she bolted out of the room. It took her 15 minutes to return. That's how long the damn line was.
So, what was the reason for having to wait so long? Well, some people thought it would be a good idea to purchase movie tickets on their phones. Sounds like a great move, right? You'd think so, but the AMC Neshaminy employees had great difficulty scanning the bar codes on the phones. At one point, my fiancee used the restroom and then made a phone call. This took 10 minutes or so. The employees used those 10 minutes to scan a single person's bar code! I'm not exaggerating. This creepy guy with a mustache stood there, looking dumber than he probably does in other instances, as five AMC Neshaminy employees huddled around the scanner, trying to figure out how to scan his stupid bar code.
I'd be more pissed about this than I already am, but I got my cheesy pretzels. I love cheesy pretzels.
Anyway, I'd like to review both Beauty and the Beast and Get Out. I didn't actually see Beauty and the Beast, but I don't need to. The Hermoine thing aside, there was one thing that instantly told me that this movie would be an abomination: It was available in 3D.
I actually went on a rant about this while standing in line with my fiancee...
Me: Beauty and the Beast is going to blow. Movies in 3D are terrible.
Me: Because they spend resources on trying to perfect the 3D gimmick when they could be using more energy to strengthen the plot and directing. You can only have so many resources into making a movie, so if energy is spent trying to make the 3D experience cool, then that takes away from other things. It's like when Starbucks started making lots of sandwiches. Their stock tanked because energy was taken away from what they do best, which is making caffeinated drinks. As soon as they stopped making lots of types of sandwiches, their stock rose again.
Fiancee: I think you're overthinking things...
I actually stand by it. Three-dimensional movies are dumb, plus they give me headaches. Apparently, I made a good case because some older lady standing in front of us got this disgusted look on her face as I finished making my point. She then got out of line. So, I either talked her out of seeing this three-dimensional abomination, or my breath stunk so bad that she couldn't take it anymore.
As for Get Out, I thought it was great. I really enjoyed it, and I'd highly recommend it. For those thinking that this is yet another movie that depicts white people as being inherently evil - the commercials make it seem like that's the case - it's really not. The movie feels like it's going in that direction for a while, but there's a pretty cool plot twist that pretty much debunks that mindset. I won't spoil anything, but the twist is great. The movie is suspenseful and genuinely funny in some moments.
In summary, I'm giving Get Out 14.75 stars out of 17 on the WalterFootball.com Movie Rating Scale. Downgrade this to a 13.667 out of 18 if you are in a stupid theater like AMC Neshaminy and are not able to obtain cheesy pretzels.
We decided to eat at the food court following the movie, but my fiancee wanted to check out Macy's first. Macy's apparently was going out of business, so they were having a massive sale. On the way to that store, we passed by a pajama pants store. Yes, a pajama pants store!
Some background: I love wearing pajama pants, and I've argued in the past that pajama pants should replace both jeans and suit pants. If you're asking why, then you are utterly clueless. Pajama pants are very comfortable, that's why. Why on Earth would anyone want to wear anything that's not comfortable? It's stupid. Jeans are an abomination that should be made illegal, and suit pants are not far behind. Pajama pants may not look professional, but that's only because society says it isn't. All it takes is for a few celebrities to show up to important meetings wearing pajama pants, and then everyone would be doing it. Come on, Hermoine, wave your magic wand and make it happen!
Unfortunately, I have some bad news. The pajama pants store is closing. That in itself is confusing because I had never even noticed this pajama pants store before. My fiancee backed this up, citing that it had been open for a couple of months at the most.
What the hell, people? First of all, shame on the store for not giving humanity more of a chance of catching on and enjoying all of your pajama pants. Second, shame on everyone who knew this fine establishment was open, yet didn't purchase any pajama pants. If I had known about this store, I would've bought at least 20 pairs of pajama pants.
Meanwhile, Macy's was an even sadder state of affairs. They were selling everything in the store - literally, everything. That includes the display cases and the mannequins. Here's proof if you don't believe me:
I find it funny that they originally listed mannequins for $25, but once they realized that no one would purchase them, they sliced the prices to a cool $5. Personally, I wouldn't have purchased these for five cents. Do I want one of the mannequins coming to life and killing me in my sleep, a la Silent Hill? No thanks.
Macy's barely had anything of substance remaining. It was sad. Amazon has completely destroyed department stores like it, JC Penney and Sears. And rightfully so. Who wants to wear jeans and go out in public, when purchasing something off Amazon in pajama pants is so much easier?
My fiancee did actually find something she wanted to purchase. She bought three of these fancy plates. They used to be $96, but they were selling at 95 percent off, which came out to be close to $5. We took them to the register, and the cashier rung us up and charged us $60.
"No thanks!" my fiancee snapped.
"Umm... I think you calculated that wrong," I added. "It should be around $15 for all three."
The guy standing next to the cashier whispered something into her ear, and she nodded her head. She pressed some buttons, and the grand total for the plates changed from $60 to less than $15.
There's no way this was an honest mistake. The two of them looked so suspicious. I'm willing to bet their manager told them to rip people off because most don't know how to calculate percentages. Well, me and my 720 math SAT score says, "F*** you, Macy's!" (Humble brag.)
"There's no way I would've paid $20 each for those plates," my fiancee said upon leaving. "Hell, I wouldn't have even paid $6 each!"
And yet, their original price was $96. Ninety-six freaking dollars for a plate. No wonder Macy's is going out of business.
At any rate, the final notable thing at the mall occurred at the food court. I was standing in line for a cheesesteak when a guy giving out free samples, a dude in his 20s who was sporting a porno stache, approached one of the guys preparing my cheesesteak. He looked at him and appeared as though he was about to ask the most profound question of all time.
"Do you look more like your mom or your dad?"
The guy making the cheesesteak looked at this guy like he had three heads, and he appeared to be thinking, "Why the f*** are you asking me the most random question of all time, weirdo?"
Cheesesteak Griller: Uhh... I dunno...
Mustachioed Food Sampler: Tell me! Do you look more like your mom or dad!?
Cheesesteak Griller: Uhh... dad, I think...
Mustachioed Food Sampler: I knew it!!!!!!
The mustachioed man turned around and began whistling happily, as if he was super proud of guessing the answer to this totally irrelevant question. The cheesesteak griller shook his head, gave this guy an odd look, and then went back to grilling.
You know, I'm surprised Neshaminy Mall as a whole isn't going out of business. Between the idiots at the movie theater who couldn't figure out the bar codes; the a**holes at Macy's trying to rip people off; and the weirdo at the food court, there are numerous shady people working at this mall.
Final verdict? I'm giving Neshaminy Mall 9.875 stars out of 26.4 on the official WalterFootball.com Mall Ratings.