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Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011




Jerks of the Week for April 11, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Nerd Kids

I've been going to the gym later than usual. Path to the Draft comes on at 6 on weekdays, so after about a billion annoying in-show tweets (@walterfootball), I head over to work out.

I've noticed that there are no fat women at the pool in the evening. In the two weeks since I started going at night, I've seen only one fat woman. It was on Thursday. I was in the middle of my mile, when this obese lady in her 40s plopped into the lane next to mine. Maybe I was just imagining things, but I'm pretty sure this fat woman winked at me several times. I guess she either wanted to have sex with me or put ketchup on me. To be honest, I'm not sure which one I would have preferred.

I don't know where all the fat women go at night, but I guess it's a popular feeding time. Unfortunately, the pool's not empty; instead of blubbery whales, there are annoying kids who take swim lessons.

The good part about this is the various MILFs that hang around. Since most of these kids are Russian, there are usually a couple of stunning Russian women who show up wearing mink coats and tons of gold jewelry. You know, casual gym attire.

The bad part about the swim lessons is that these kids cause too much of a raucous in the locker room. For instance, I was getting dressed on Tuesday when about eight kids ran in. Five of them were yelling and screaming about stupid things like teachers getting punched in the face with Xboxes. The other three were dorks who had a very nerdy conversation that I was able to overhear:

Fat Kid: Ruslan, I might go to the Phillies game on Thursday.

Ruslan: I don't like baseball, it is boring.

Skinny Kid: I do not like baseball, basketball, football or hockey.

Fat Kid: Me neither, but I like hockey because of the fights.

Ruslan: Fights are stupid.

Skinny Kid: I like to watch FIFA.

Fat Kid: FIFA is awesome!

Nerds! Who the hell likes FIFA in America? I never thought I'd hear the words "FIFA" and "awesome" in the same sentence, except for perhaps: "I was able to avoid watching a FIFA game because someone gave me the awesome idea of committing suicide to avoid it."

I tuned out these losers until Ruslan took out his iPod and began blasting a rap song, Look at Me Now by Chris Brown, Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes.

For those unfamiliar with this song, one of the "musicians" at the beginning of the song says, "I don't see how you can hate from outside of the club. You can't even get in HAHAHAA." This sparked yet another conversation:

Fat Kid: I can't wait to go to the club.

Ruslan: My brother told me the club is very cool and there are lots of girls there.

Skinny Kid: Girls!?!?!?!?!?!

Ruslan: My brother goes all the time to the clubs.

Fat Kid: I hope we can get into the clubs when we are old enough to go.

Skinny Kid: I can't wait to see all the girls when we go to the clubs!!!!!!!!!

Skinny Kid was about to splooge all over the locker room benches, so I figured it was time to leave. As I was driving home, something weird happened. I wanted to pull into my local Wawa, but couldn't because these three people were taking their time crossing the parking lot. One was fat, one was skinny and one was tall, like Ruslan. They all had weird piercings, dyed black hair and random tattoos.

I saw them walk into the Wawa. I parked my car, and followed them inside. As I was entering my order into the Wawa computer, I overheard their conversation:

Ruslan Look-alike: I can't believe the bar was closed.

Fat Guy: Yeah. Let's go home and play FIFA on Xbox 360.

Skinny Guy: Guys, that girl making the food is very hot!!!!!!!

Skinny Guy was about to splooge all over the counter, so I was fortunate enough to finish placing my order. After they left, the chick they were talking about went up to the other worker:

Hot Chick: What a bunch of weirdoes. I thought we were going to have to call the cops.

Other Worker: Well, at least they didn't steal anything.

That's always a plus. Nevertheless, I was pretty taken aback from what I witnessed. Did those swim lesson douche bags somehow age 10 years in a span of 30 minutes? Or did I travel through time?

I'm not really sure - but if I had to guess, this was all just a dream I had while lodged in that fat woman's stomach. That would explain why I have ketchup all over me.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Russian Yoda

In addition to seeing hot MILFs, another good thing about going to my gym at night is bumping into Russian Yoda.

I wrote about Russian Yoda eight months ago. He's a nice, elderly Russian dude who looks and talks like Yoda. If you don't want to click on the link, some of his awesome quotes are:

  • "A day wizout laugh iz a day wizout money, I remember."

  • "Best time to swim at night, eight o'clock, agree you?"

  • "You will be design."

    I spotted Russian Yoda in the locker room after a workout. A very confusing conversation ensued:

    Russian Yoda: Good evening, sir! I in the gym have not seen you in very long time!

    Me: Yeah, I've been coming in the afternoon.

    Russian Yoda: Ah, I remember. I see you on Tuezday in your auto driving.

    Me: Really? Where?

    Russian Yoda: Uhh... Boostleton Avenoo and Cottman, driving I see you.

    Me: That definitely wasn't me. I haven't been down there in a while.

    Russian Yoda: Ah yes, Boostleton and Cottman, your auto driving I see you.

    Me: I really don't think so.

    Russian Yoda: Ah yes, in your auto I see you, but ozer vay I go.

    I gave up. I definitely wasn't at Bustleton and Cottman on "Tuezday" or any other day, but I wasn't going to argue with this guy. I just continued the conversation.

    Me: When did you see me?

    Russian Yoda: Vhen!?

    Me: Yeah, what time?

    Russian Yoda: Ah, yes... vhen... uhh... uhh...

    *** 20-second pause. ***

    Russian Yoda: I see you drive auto when uhh... the sun shine in zee sky.

    Oh, OK. That narrows it down just a bit.

    I love this, actually. I think more of us should use vague timeframes like this. "When will you be here, cable guy? Oh, when the sun is shining in the sky? OK, that's fine." Or, "When is my court date? On April 18 when the sun is shining in the sky? Cool. I have to run a few errands, but I'll show up before the sun sets."

    At any rate, the conversation continued when Russian Yoda saw me put on a Puma t-shirt...

    Russian Yoda: Ah, Puma!

    Me: Yep.

    Russian Yoda: My daughter have three Puma pieces.

    Me: OK....

    Three Puma pieces? What the hell does that mean? Does she have three articles of Puma clothing, or three pieces of one Puma article of clothing? And how do you know how many Puma "pieces" she has, and why are you keeping track?

    Before I could ask him this, Russian Yoda said goodbye.

    Russian Yoda: I go into sauwna. Good luck to you sir.

    Me: Umm... good luck to you too?

    I don't know why he said good luck to me, or why I reciprocated it; I'm sure Russian Yoda won't need any good luck when he's counting his daughter's Puma pieces. Fortunately, I know I can ask him about it the next time I'm at the gym when the moon shines in the sky.




    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Lilliput

    If I'm going to talk about Russian Yoda again, why not bring back another old favorite?

    I discussed Lilliput six months ago. He's a strange Russian immigrant who works for my dad. If you don't want to click the link, Lilliput is a very short, chubby guy in his 50s. His eyes bulge out of his head, and he looks like a creeper. Despite this, he's married to two women (in different countries). He's also a degenerate gambler with no money, and the biggest bulls***ter you'll ever meet.

    I have two reasons for making Lilliput a Jerk of the Week again. First, he apparently has a new girlfriend. I'm not sure what his wives think about that, but this girl is from Latvia. He met her on a dating Web site. He's never actually seen her in person, but refers to her as his girlfriend. No word if she asked him for his bank account so she can send some of her royal king father's money to America.

    And second, my dad recently told me about a conversation he had with Lilliput, and I thought it was Jerks of the Week-worthy. They were discussing the weather, and how it's been unusually cold here in Philly the past couple of months. My dad decided to tease Lilliput about Al Gore (global warming), since Lilliput collects his fair share of welfare checks.

    At any rate, here's the conversation:

    Lilliput: Vhy iz eet so cold!?

    Dad: I don't know. I thought we were supposed to have global warming.

    Lilliput: Vhat iz zis?

    Dad: You haven't heard of global warming?

    Lilliput: No.

    Dad: I'm surprised. Your friend Al Gore invented it.

    Lilliput: I don't know who iz Al Gore?

    Dad: Really? He's your friend.

    Lilliput: I do not know zis guy.

    Dad: Sure you do.

    Lilliput: Uhh... oh, he iz friends with Alex?

    Dad: Yes. Al Gore is friends with your drinking buddy, Alex.

    Lilliput: Ah, OK, I know heem.

    Think Lilliput is a bit confused? You haven't seen anything yet.

    Lilliput: I have geerlfriend in Latvia.

    Dad: Really? Where did you meet her?

    Lilliput: On dating Veb saight.

    Dad: Have you ever seen her in person?

    Lilliput: No.

    Dad: And she's your girlfriend?

    Lilliput: Yes.

    Dad: And you don't see anything wrong with this?

    Lilliput: No, she iz pretty wooman. I see picture!

    Dad: Do you even know where Latvia is?

    Lilliput: Uhh... uhh...

    Dad: I guess not.

    Lilliput: No, I know. Latvia iz near Atlantic Ocean!

    Latvia is near the Atlantic Ocean, eh? Let's check out a European map to see how close Lilliput was:



    Darn it. Just a tad off.

    Now, let's check out what Lilliput thinks Europe looks like:



    It's a good thing Lilliput is poor and can't avoid to buy his own jet; otherwise, he'd crash into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean looking for the island of Latvia.

    Leave a comment

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    Jackie 04-13-2011 02:39 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.237 (total posts: 1)
    32     20

    Is anyone else confused by DK's comments?

    Walt I feel you should also include one of the other people who were employed along with lilliput... that guy who drinks, Sasha, who drove drunk right into a restaurant and was on the news... he didn't understand English so he left the scene before he could get tested for drinking... and walked home. They found him after it was too late to test him.
    Finnish Tramon Williams' Lover 04-12-2011 01:04 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.192 (total posts: 1)
    21     21

    I'm outraged that you have marked countries like Sweden and Norway, but Finland is empty? What gives? Is it that there's something wrong with that? (that would refer to living in Finland)
    BigJon 04-12-2011 10:55 am xxx.xxx.xxx.252 (total posts: 1)
    20     23

    When the world is finally split into winners and losers, the comment sections on this page should be used to define each...Hillarious as always Walt. Keep up the good work!
    Russian Grammar Policenerd 04-11-2011 09:06 pm xxx.xxx.xxx7.92 (total posts: 1)
    19     22

    Raucous eez adjecteev.

    Ruckus eez noun.

    Funny you are and having generally good spellink and grammar. Your maps they pleez me.
    DK 04-11-2011 07:36 pm xxx.xxx.xxx3.76 (total posts: 1)
    19     22

    Yet another abhorrent display of your lack of humor. You DID get this gig because you're Walt's cousin... or nephew... or some familial relation, right? Stick with what you obviously know best: worshipping Charlie Sheen, watching hours upon hours of Jersey Shore, and admiring your autographed photo of George W. Bush.
    Matt 04-11-2011 04:36 pm xxx.xxx.xxx0.33 (total posts: 1)
    25     25

    Uh oh. Here comes the comments blasting you for discriminating against Russians. Not to mention the soccer fans (yes, they do exist) will be all over you.

    You should know by now that you aren't allowed to find humor in everyday life.
    Malek 04-11-2011 01:37 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.238 (total posts: 1)
    19     22

    Dolfan,

    Do you have a sense of humor? Exactly. Thought not.
    Wharthog 04-11-2011 12:38 pm xxx.xxx.xxx4.23 (total posts: 1)
    26     20

    First Rebecca Black teaches us Friday's relationship to the two weekend days, then Walter shows us where Latvia is in relation to the Atlantic Ocean. I feel like life is a continuous opportunity to educate myself.

    Also, Miss Black shattered all of my pre-conceived notions about using "fun" too many times in a song. I thank her for that.
    DOLFAN2010 04-11-2011 11:27 am xxx.xxx.xxx34.2 (total posts: 1)
    20     23

    Im not bashing these....but whats the point of this?
    Brian Boitono 04-11-2011 10:40 am xxx.xxx.xxx22.1 (total posts: 1)
    29     22

    atleast my mon starts with a little chuckle
    KD 04-11-2011 04:13 am xxx.xxx.xxx.215 (total posts: 1)
    19     22

    This week was a Russian trifecta! HAHAHA. I thought about this YTMND after reading this week's JotW:
    http://dschinghiskhaaan.ytmnd.com/
    Walter 04-11-2011 02:16 am xxx.xxx.xxx9.63 (total posts: 1)
    19     22

    First comment... we're going to have comment boards like this all over the site soon. We're still working out the kinks, so this is not the finished product.



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    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Free Agents - April 19


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17


    2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 16


    Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28


    2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 26


    NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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