This might be the last Jerks of the Week entry I write on my old computer. I bought this laptop two years ago when the monitor on my previous one broke. This laptop is still functional, but it gets super slow at times, and I wanted a new computer for the upcoming 2013 NFL Draft.
I ended up purchasing some sort of a Sony Vaio machine. I'm not sure if that's good or not. It sounds fancy, and I noticed its pretty lights and stuff when I was browsing around. This Vaio laptop was actually one of two finalists I picked out. I asked the Best Buy salesman what the differences were between the two.
Best Buy Salesman: This one has a graphics card, and this one is more for travel.
Me: I'm confused. The one that doesn't have a graphics card doesn't have graphics, but I can't carry around the one that doesn't travel well?
Best Buy Salesman: What? No. You can carry both around, but one is lighter. And the graphics card is just for video games.
Me: Oh, the most I'd want to do graphically is play movies or TV shows like LOST when I travel. So, I can do this on both?
Best Buy Salesman: Well, the one that doesn't have the graphics card doesn't have a DVD drive...
Me: What!? Did they forget to put it in? Idiots!
Best Buy Salesman: No, they just had to compensate for the graphics card. Give and take.
Me: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Seriously, what kind of computer doesn't have a DVD drive? What if you want to install a program like Microsoft Office? How the hell are you supposed to do that? And what use is a graphics card if you can't play a CD game? I can't believe a computer company would be so stupid to not include a DVD drive on their laptops. Nice going, idiots. I'm sure you'll sell a ton of those models.
As you can tell, I ended up purchasing the laptop for travel. It's currently sitting in its box on the floor of my office. I'm dreading the annoying task of transferring all of my important files - Web site documents, Excel spreadsheets, music, and of course, porn - to my new laptop, so I'm procrastinating. Luckily for you, my procrastination has spawned this Jerks of the Week entry.
My time in the Best Buy store is actually the least-interesting thing to happen to me on that day. I ran into a number of jerks, and it's only fitting that it all started at my old gym, which happens to be right next to that Best Buy...
1. Homeless Clown Woman and the Walrus
I usually just swim when I go to the gym, but I've been lifting once per week lately. I figure, why not transform one of my many layers of blubber into muscle? Plus, bikini season is coming up soon, and I need to look good for that.
There were four people in the weight room, and to no surprise, one of them was Homeless Clown Woman. I've written about this strange individual on a couple of occasions. If you don't feel like clicking the link, I described her as, "one of the most disgusting human beings I've ever seen. Her long, brown hair looked like it hadn't been washed in months. She had thick veins protruding the skin on her neck and forehead. She was wearing a purple shirt that had stains on it. And worst of all, it appeared as though a blind person put on her makeup."
The last time I encountered Homeless Clown Woman, she stood behind me for a while because I was inadvertently blocking the quickest path to the other section of the weight room. I nearly gagged from her nauseating stench, so I made sure to avoid her at all cost on this occasion. I stayed at least 100 feet away from her at all times - until I noticed that she was talking to herself.
It was weird. She was pacing back and forth, muttering things quickly to herself. I wanted to get close to hear her, but not close enough to pass out after getting a whiff of her.
I approached Homeless Clown Woman cautiously, trying my best not to alarm her. After all, I didn't want to interrupt the important conversation she was having with herself. I was finally within audible - but not olfactory, thank God - distance when I heard it. Here's what she was saying:
"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can do this. No, I can't do this. I can't do this. Maybe I can do this. No, I can't do this. Maybe I can. No, maybe I can't. I can't do this."
This continued for the next minute, so I just walked away. I have no idea what the hell she thought she could or could not do. I'd suggest that she was referring to committing herself to a psychiatric ward, but that would mean that she at least has some semblance of sanity.
But speaking of insane people, I was about to do a set of bicep curls when a fat man with a walrus-like mustache strutted into the weight room. He was completely bald and had his tight, white t-shirt tucked into his black Puma sweatpants. He looked completely ridiculous, but not even close to as absurd as what he did next.
The Walrus approached me as I was lifting. He then stood right next to me, looked into my eyes and went, "Hmph!" Then, he turned around and left the weight room.
It's safe to say that I was pretty taken aback by this. I'm still not sure why he did that. Did he want to use the bicep curl bar? Why didn't he just wait until I was finished?
At the time, I guessed the Walrus came to the gym with the sole purpose of strengthening his biceps, but his plans were thwarted when he saw someone else using the bar. It wasn't all bad news for him though. If there's a silver lining, it's that he wasn't the most insane person in the gym that day - unless, of course, he argued with himself upon leaving the weight room.
2. Pool Corpses
It's been unseasonably warm this past week. Not that I'm complaining. I love hot weather. It was in the low 80s on Monday and Tuesday, and close to 90 on Wednesday, which is perfect for April. This was such a welcome change because it was in the 30s for multiple days the week before. In fact, it wasn't much warmer than 45 on most days this calendar year prior to last week.
With that in mind, I feel like I have to go on a tangent. I don't get what all the fuss is with global warming. There's definitely no such thing as global warming because it's been so damn cold this year. And even if global warming existed, who cares? Global warming sounds awesome to me. Who are the losers who don't want warmer weather? I'm thinking about starting up a pro-global warming initiative to make sure we have hot weather all year round.
The one negative to warm weather is that more people flock to the pool, which disturbs my swimming workout. I got dressed and walked out to the pool deck after I lifted. I stared in horror as I saw at least 30 corpses floating around the pool. OK, they weren't technically corpses, but there were so many old people floating around and peeing in the pool that I was completely disgusted.
There were at least three people in every lane. My plan was to wait until two cleared out. This finally happened five minutes later, but as I got my goggles ready, the Walrus stormed out of the locker room, waddled his way toward the pool and climbed in. He then entered the lane I was about to jump into. He looked at me with his evil eyes and smirked. Well played, Walrus. Well played.
I had to wait for another lane to open up. This finally happened when a fat lady plopped herself over the lane line, nearly breaking the thing in the process. I prepared myself to go in, when the old Russian lady in that lane shouted at me: "Vait, vait, von minoot, von minoot!"
I waited for about 10 minutes, so what was one more minute, right? Well, I was pretty impatient at that point. I just stood there, and she did the same thing. I was beginning to wonder what the hell she was making me wait for, when she turned out and said, "Go svim! Go svim!"
If I hadn't stood there like an a**hole for nearly a dozen minutes, I would have asked what the hell was the point of waiting for an extra minute when she didn't even do anything, but I was fed up with the entire situation. I jumped right into the pool and began swimming.
My mile workout went smoothly for about the first thousand yards. I think I was actually crossing the 1,000-yard barrier when I had to halt for oncoming traffic. A chubby old man and a fat woman were suddenly in my lane because they were crossing over to the other side of the pool. I had to stop dead in my tracks - I'm not exaggerating when I say that I nearly hit them.
I stood up and shouted, "Jesus Christ! Excuse me!" The chubby old man didn't look too pleased. He responded sharply with a Russian accent: "Vatch vhere you going!"
Wow, what an a**hole. "Vatch vhere I going?" Sorry I'm being so inconvenient for you, douche.
Seriously, how rude is that? He couldn't wait a few seconds until I passed by to go through my lane? Was it that difficult for him and his fat wife to be the least bit considerate? Or was his fat wife anticipating her sixth lunch that badly that she needed to get out of the pool as quickly as possible?
I eventually finished my mile without any other interruptions. It was still early, so I decided to take a dip in the baby pool. Now, when I say "baby pool," I mean smaller, warmer pool with more corpses. There's a tiny pool right next to the regular pool, about seven by four yards wide, designed for baby usage. However, my gym has been overrun by Russian zombies, so there are no babies anymore. Instead, old people just sit around in that baby pool because it's heated to 95 degrees or so. It's not as pleasant as a hot tub, but it's still relaxing.
As you can probably figure, my time in the baby pool wasn't very relaxing. There was a mustachioed Russian man in his 70s swimming around in circles, which was pretty ridiculous because the pool is both small and shallow - it doesn't get any deeper than 2 feet. Yet, he kept doing circles nonstop and making some sort of a train noise. Making matters worse, his dumb circle swimming created waves that splashed into my eyes.
I just had to get out of the baby pool at that point. The whole situation was just making me so aggravated. From the endless circles, to the train noises, to the waves - if I spent five more minutes in there, I would have wanted to drown myself. And if I did that, I'd just be yet another dead body floating in one of the gym's two pools.
3. Phillies Fanatic
I made it out of the gym alive, and I proceeded to Best Buy, where I bought my laptop. The computer section was pretty empty, save for a piece of tattooed white trash who was wearing a wife beater and a sideways cap. I overheard him on the phone...
"Yo mans, I'm at Best Buy, yo, and I tryin' ta get a laptops for my moms. She was like, I wants a expensive computa, but I was like, yo ma, you ain't do nothin' on there but play Solitaire and go on Facebook and s**t."
As intrigued as I was to hear the rest of this conversation, I had a lot of work to do the rest of the afternoon, so I hurried up and made my purchase. I drove home and placed the laptop box near the chair in my office and went about my day.
I went to Saladworks that evening - I'll have some jerks I've encountered from there in a future entry - and while returning home, I pulled into a gas station. I was putting $35 worth of gas into my car when this chubby, gray-haired, mustachioed man in his late 50s at the pump across from mine tried to strike up a conversation. I dubbed him Phillies Fanatic, and you'll soon see why...
Phillies Fanatic: Can't believe them Phillies!
Me: I thought they were up 5-0?
Phillies Fanatic: Yeah, but the next inning, Kendrick gave up a walk!
Me: Oh no.
Phillies Fanatic: How does that happen? A walk after five runs!? What is this, Little League!?
Me: Well, it's good that they're up 5-0 then.
Phillies Fanatic: Yeah, but then Howard didn't catch a pop-up. For $25 mil a year, he can't catch a freaking pop-up. Give me half of that, and I'll catch a freaking pop-up!
Me: Yeah I bet you could.
Phillies Fanatic: Give me $125 - forget the million - and I'll catch a pop-up! Anyone can catch a pop-up!
This guy was overweight and old, so I don't think he could replicate Howard's performance in the field, no matter how bad it was that particular evening. But whatever - some harmless Phillies conversation wasn't the end of the world. This wasn't what made this guy a jerk.
I finished pumping my gas and got into my car after bidding Phillies Fanatic farewell. I turned the key to start the car, when I heard someone knocking on my window. It was Phillies Fanatic, and he was telling me to roll down my window.
Phillies Fanatic: You won't believe what just happened!
Me: What!? What is it?
Phillies Fanatic: Kendrick just gave up a run - after they just scored five! Can't believe them Phillies!
Me: They're still up four.
Phillies Fanatic: Can't believe all that money Kendrick is getting. I could shut out the freaking Mets for half his salary!
Me: I agree. You definitely look like you're in great shape.
I thought that last sarcastic remark would get this guy to stop harassing me about the Phillies, but it didn't work. He kept droning on and on about how he could do a better job than the Phillies players. I was seriously stuck there for 10 minutes. Eventually it started raining pretty hard. I was just simply annoyed by it because it ruined what was great weather, but I suddenly had a sinking feeling - the computer I just purchased was right near my office windows, which were probably wide open because it was so nice outside earlier!
Phillies Fanatic: Can't believe Kratz is hitting .200! Give me half his salary, and I'll hit .200!
Me: I gotta go! My windows are open and my computer's probably busted!
I sped away as Phillies Fanatic was in mid-sentence. Minutes later, I pulled into my garage and raced up two flights of stairs to my office. Sure enough, the windows were wide open, but I was fortunate enough that the wind was blowing the other way, so none of the rain was getting in. The floor on the other side of the house was drenched, but my computer was safe.
Thank God. If I had to replay this day by going back to my old gym and Best Buy, I'd probably be committed to a psychiatric ward. Maybe I could be roommates with Homeless Clown Woman.