It takes a lot to make a stew. A pinch of salt and laughter too. A scoop of kids to add the spice. A dash of love to make it nice, and you've got too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks. Too many Cooks.
If you know what I'm talking about, I'm sure you're cursing me at the top of your lungs for getting that song stuck into your head again. If, however, you have no idea what I'm referencing, prepare to join our misery:
Too Many Cooks is a viral video that has spread more rampantly than the introvitus virus the show talked about in the sci-fi sequences. It began innocently, airing at 4 a.m. under an "infomercials" bloc on Adult Swim. The stoners who were up at that hour probably thought they smoked the most potent weed of all time. However, it only took a few days before it began trending on Twitter for two weeks. I saw "Too Many Cooks" in the trending square and thought it was something stupid like a new Justin Bieber song.
We got too many cooks, baby
Too many cooks in this kitchen, baby
You my cook, baby
I'm your cook, baby
Let's do some cooking, baby
Alas, the Canadian kid with the lesbian haircut was not responsible for this. After seeing "Too Many Cooks" trending for days, it piqued my interest enough that I just had to see what it was. I watched the video, and I was amazed. I watched it a second time to catch all of the hidden stuff. Then, a third time and a fourth time. I watched it with my girlfriend. I showed it to my girlfriend's brother. I even fired up the video so my mom could see it when I went to my parents' house for dinner one night.
I've had the Too Many Cooks song stuck in my head for weeks, as a consequence. I just can't get rid of it. I sing the words in the shower; I hum it while working; the words continuously loop in my head while I'm exercising; and I always find myself wondering if too many Cooks will indeed spoil the broth. This damn 11-minute video has ruined my life enough that I'm almost wishing for the serial killer to pop out of nowhere and slice my head off with his machete.
Perhaps the worst thing to come out of the Too Many Cooks phenomenon are all of the spin-off videos that have spawned in its wake. The first one I saw was Too Many Kits:
This is one of the worst things I've ever seen. Sure, the kittens are cute, but it's just boring and stupid. If this came before Too Many Cooks, I wouldn't have hated it so much, but this is another example of a talentless hack copying someone's great idea and turning it to s***. Get your own damn concept and try again.
Too Many Kits surprisingly isn't the worst one. How about Too Many Cookies?
Seriously, why would someone make that video? It's not funny at all, the singing sucks, and the person behind this is just showing the world that they have absolutely no creativity. Forget me; Killer Bill should go after these loser hacks so I don't waste any more time watching these ridiculously awful spoof videos.
As for the real video, I need to do something that will help me get it out of my head. While thinking about what to write about in Jerks of the Week, it finally hit me - perhaps I need to do an entry on Too Many Cooks. I figured I could completely dissect the video, pointing out the Easter eggs, references to other shows and my thoughts on each part. At the very least, you readers will be just as miserable as I am right now after this theme song is stuck in your head. And knowing that makes me happy.
Here's the Too Many Cooks video again so you don't have to scroll up. Let's go through it chronologically, shall we?
0:06: The font used for Too Many Cooks is from Full House, one of the most agonizing shows in the history of mankind. That's because the a**hole studio audience would constantly go "aww!" when Michelle did anything. She was the worst. All she would do was say contrived lines like, "You got it dude!" or "You're in big trouble, mister!" The dog Comet had more personality than she did. But noooo, Comet never got any of the fame and stardom because he didn't have a twin-brother dog.
0:21: Look who's standing behind the little girl. It's Killer Bill, making his first of many hidden appearances! Is anyone else a little creeped out by this? His other cameos are fun, but this is just wrong. It's almost like he's going to get close to her, reach out his grubby hand, and... help the girl with her homework. And that would be cheating, and cheating is wrong!
0:23: The magazine the grandma is reading is Magazines: The Magazine, and the sub-headlines are:
Pages to Turn
Articles with Words
Sounds like a boring read to me, but it could be worse - grandma could be reading Golf Magazine.
0:28: Holy balls, Kayte Giralt.
0:30: Check out the staircase! Killer Bill is creepily leering at the family, perhaps wishing that he won that precious karate trophy. I wonder if that would end up sparking his homicidal antics. Poor Killer Bill just wanted to help kids with their homework and win karate trophies, but the gods were cruel and ruined his life.
1:01 - 1:13: Is it just me, or is this bloc fully dedicated to Step by Step?
The more I think about it, the more it is. Jayla James is Al, the tomboy girl I had a crush on when I was a kid; Cameron Markeles is the geeky Mark Foster; Zack Shires is J.T. Lambert, the "cool" brother; and Gwydion Lashlee-Walton is Cody Lambert, the stoner nephew who lived in a van in his uncle's driveway and constantly hit on his step-cousin.
The whole thing with Cody and Dana was weird, by the way. Sure, they weren't technically related, and I'm not even talking about incest; I'm referring to the fact that Karen, the slightly younger Foster girl, was so much hotter. Why didn't Cody try to make sweet, incest love with her instead of that b***h Dana? And really, who cares about incest when your step-cousin is super hot, am I right?
Anyway, I used to love Step by Step. It was a show about a single dad and a single mom who meet on a vacation and get married right away for some odd reason (who needs dating?) The two families then decide to live under one roof, as they eponymously take things step by step.
Two things always irked me about that show though, and both had to do with the credits. Each season, the characters are introduced in a theme park, yet there wasn't a single episode - until they went to Disney World once in a later season - in which they were in a theme park. I wanted my theme park episode! And second, I hated that Mark hung out with his fat aunt instead of going on the roller-coaster ride. Watching this from my home, I would've done anything to be on that fun-looking roller coaster. Mark, the dweeb, had the opportunity to do so, but eschewed it. What a f***ing dick.
1:15: Killer Bill is swaying behind another kid. I don't get it though. That child is too young to have any homework, so what is Killer Bill doing there?
1:22: I loved this homage to Family Matters:
Sucks that Mother Winslow passed away. Damn you, Killer Bill.
1:38: Killer Bill checking out the spices - probably deciding what to put on the foot he'll eat later.
1:42: This is probably Clarissa Explains It All where Sam used a ladder to climb into Clarissa's room. I always wondered why Sam didn't try to bang Clarissa. Yeah, yeah, they were best friends, but Clarissa was kind of bangable, and Sam had free access to her bedroom. Any horny male teenager would've tried to take advantage of this situation, so my theory is that Sam wanted some dude to boink him in the butt hole. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Also, weren't Clarissa's parents the least bit concerned? Sure, Sam turned out to be harmless, but the ladder was right there. What was to stop a horny rapist from climbing into Clarissa's room? Couldn't Sam just have used the doorbell to make sure something like that never happened?
1:54: Killer Bill walks by Marc Farley. By the way, I assume Marc Farley is related to Chris Farley, since the two look alike, but I can't find how on Google. The IMDB page has nothing. Is Marc Chris' brother? Cousin? Transvestite sister? I need to know this!
2:02: WTF is up with Karen Cassady's earrings? Those things are freaking weapons. At least she'll be able to defend herself when Killer Bill strikes.
2:04: Speaking of Killer Bill, he's hiding around the corner, looking for kids, so he can help them with their homework. What a good Samaritan. The Cooks are the real villains for not giving him that karate trophy.
Killer Bill has more appearances at 2:23 (staircase), 2:58 (street corner), 3:02 (hanging out behind the blonde cop), 3:15 (standing behind the black cop), 3:17 (again, behind the black cop).
3:25: Coat and Pie are funny, but did you catch that Pie has his own police badge? How awesome is that? If I were a cop, I'd give a badge to all of my baked goods.
3:50: Second-best part of the video, by far.
4:12: Kind of crazy that Killer Bill is in the lower-right corner of the oil painting behind Candace Mabry. This is when Killer Bill's homicidal rampage begins, a major twist when you thought this would be nothing but an 11-minute intro. If we had any audio, I bet we'd hear, "YOUR SON HAS THE KARATE TROPHY I ALWAYS WANTED, SO DIE B***H!"
4:29: Sorority girl pillow fights! Does this stuff actually happen in sororities? I imagined that they always got into pillow fights, some clothes accidentally slipped off, and then they made sweet, passionate, lesbian love with each other. Kind of makes me wish I dressed up as a girl during my Penn State days and joined a sorority. Not doing so is easily one of the greatest regrets in my life.
4:57: The killer chase scene intrigues me because I've always hated when victims run from killers in movies or TV shows. If someone's chasing me down, I'm finding the first weapon I can get my hands on and then going after them. As Katie Adkins is running, she could pick up:
A wooden plank (4:57)
Various lamps (5:10)
Anything in the kitchen, like a cleaver or knife (5:12)
A chair or a skateboard (5:13)
Seriously, anything would work; maybe she could even find Karen Cassady and use her earrings. It's not like Katie was running from some world-class athlete who could overpower her. This is some old, stocky man in his 60s. She was trying to escape from this guy:
That's freaking Santa Claus in a top hat! I feel like she could have snuck up on him and bashed him over the head with a lamp or a chair; never mind the cleaver or knife.
5:39: Best part of the video.
6:07: Worst part of the video.
And with that, I'm done with Too Many Cooks. I've watched them kill off my favorite character too many times, and I just can't take it anymore.
I feel so much better now. The song is no longer stuck in my head, and I don't give a damn whether too many Cooks would spoil a broth. The Cooks can go f*** themselves, for all I care.