JERK OF THE WEEK: The News: Predators, Mushrooms, the Weather and the Undead
Some people say that journalism is a dying profession. In fact, an old man told me I don't have a real job a couple of weeks ago. This old man did attempt to pimp out his granddaughters to me in the same conversation though, so I didn't put much stock into his insults.
Journalism isn't dying. It's just changing. People used to work in newspapers, but those days are over. Everyone can have a blog now and make money off of it as long as it has a decent amount of traffic. People used to read magazines while riding the train, but now they listen to podcasts. News broadcasts, meanwhile, are also irrelevant; why watch the news when you can just hop onto Twitter and find out what's going on in just a couple of seconds?
The standard TV stations still broadcast the news, but only because old people don't use the Internet. I'll be shocked if there are still nightly news programs 20 years from now. They're just useless. Again, everything you need to know is on Twitter, and while you're looking at tweets, you can watch the latest lolcats gif or download porn. The Internet is a truly wonderful place.
News broadcasts suck now anyway. I watched Gotham and the Following one recent Monday night. Once those shows were finished, FOX announced that its 10 o'clock news program was about to begin. I tried grabbing the remote, but couldn't find it. It wasn't on the coffee table, and it wasn't stuck in one of the couch cushions. I rummaged through the blanket that was covering me, but no luck there either.
That's when it hit me: I'd either have to get up and search carefully for the remote, or I'd have to endure the 10 o'clock news before reruns of Seinfeld came on. Being a lazy, fat man, I opted for the latter - a decision I would soon regret.
The FOX29 10 o'clock news was the biggest flaming pile of garbage I had ever seen. They led off with the usual, which is poor people getting shot in the ghettos of Philadelphia. Yawn. It's actually news when a day goes by and some little kid doesn't take a bullet from some a**hole drug dealer. That would definitely be worthy of a lead story in a Philadelphia news broadcast.
After that, the FOX29 news broadcast began showcasing some of the strangest stories ever. They began with a tease heading into the commercial break: "There's a predator on the loose in the King of Prussia and Cherry Hill Malls!"
That's awesome. They're telling us that there's an invisible monster running around and slicing people into pieces? Sign me up! Perhaps the authorities can catch it and set it loose in the hood so that it can skewer the child-killing drug dealers. Or, better yet, they could unleash it in the FOX29 news broadcast building. Call me crazy, but watching news anchors get sliced and diced to bits by some alien monster is way more exciting than watching the news. I wouldn't even have the urge to download porn while this was going on.
At any rate, here are five of the "news" stories that FOX29 made its viewers endure. I'll discuss each story and then offer what I believe should be the appropriate punishment, when applicable.
Unfortunately, the "predator" wasn't some alien monster. It was a man at the mall who followed attractive women into changing rooms, went into the stalls next to them, and videotaped them changing. In other words, some douche who is too cheap to pay for soft porn.
The women that FOX29 interviewed were either baffled or irate about this situation.
"I don't know how these stores let this happen!" shouted a fat woman.
"It's scary that there's a predator on the loose at my local mall," said an ugly woman with a unibrow.
"I demand that all the videotapes he took of me be returned to me immediately!" a woman with a giant gap in between her teeth yelled.
I found it interesting that FOX29 chose to interview the three women that this guy probably would not videotape. If anything, I bet they were mad that this "predator" opted not to capture them changing on his cell phone.
Oh, and this "predator" thing needs to stop. If a guy kills, attacks or sexually assaults people, then sure, he's a predator. If he just videotapes women, he's not a predator. He's a creeper; not a predator. Let's get our lingo correct, ladies.
And seriously, way to blow the whole thing out of proportion. Maybe it's different because I'm a guy, but if some chick videotaped me for the sole purpose of fingering herself later while watching me, I'd be completely flattered. In fact, I'd help her out. I'd make sure that she had a charger with her in the stall so she could tape me as long as she wanted. I think most guys would feel the same way.
Punishment: Some people would suggest throwing this guy into jail. Others may say that he should pay a big fine, do community service and give back all of the videos he made.
I think all of that is unnecessary. If he goes to jail, the taxpayers would just have to shell out more money so that he can have a decent living environment (minus the butt boinking in the shower). A big fine is not a deterrent. Community service is too harsh of a punishment. Releasing the videos, meanwhile, would ruin all of his hard work, and that would be a shame.
I'm a big fan of eye-for-an-eye punishment, so here's what I would do: I would find a massive gay guy, and I'd lock the two in a room together. I'd then force the "predator" to strip down naked while the monstrous gay dude jerks off to him. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And then I'd find another huge heterosexually challenged male and repeat this process 99 more times.
I think it's a perfect solution. This "predator" would truly learn his lesson, and he would feel the same sort of humiliation that these women felt. But not the women who were interviewed, by the way. There's no way in hell that anyone would ever want to see them naked.
The Predator II:
Believe it or not, there's another predator on the loose! And no, we won't have Alien battle him in an action movie anytime soon.
This "predator" was arrested for sexual assault. Cool. An actual predator, right? Eh, maybe not... This so-called "predator's" sexual assault comprised of the following:
A 15-year-old female student of his sent him nudes.
That's it. That's all he did for sexual assault.
I call bulls***. If I'm getting booked for sexual assault, I want to have actually assaulted someone. It's like this guy is getting punished for something he didn't do. He should've been arrested for creeping, if anything. It's just wrong for throwing someone in prison for assault when they didn't take any known actions.
Who's to say the girl isn't to blame, by the way? This chick could've gotten this guy's number, perhaps from Facebook, and then just sent him nudes of herself. How is that the guy's fault? And how would that be anything close to assault? It just seems like there's a loophole to be exploited here. If you don't like someone, pay some 17-year-old chick to send this dude nudes, and then call the cops and have him arrested for sexual assault. Seems like a foolproof plan to me.
Punishment: This is a difficult one because we don't know what happened. If it's discovered that this guy didn't really do anything and just had the nudes pop into his phone one day, no punishment is necessary. In fact, no punishment is almost a requirement because it would set a precedent for the prior plan I had for hiring chicks to send nudes to guys you hate.
If, however, he went out of his way to text this chick and ask her for her nudes, I say that nudes of him should be plastered all over the Internet for all to see. Like I said, an eye for an eye is the best way to go.
One caveat: If this is an attractive-looking dude with a big wang, the law-enforcement agency in charge of posting his nudes should hire someone to Photoshop love handles and a small penis onto his body. That way, all women will know who he is and won't want to bang him as a result.
Oh, and if you don't think this punishment is enough, my counter to that would be locking him in a room with a giant gay dude and having the gay guy jerk off to his nudes in front of him.
Our next story took us to some black lady's house. She apparently has been one of many people to be victimized by a phenomenon that's been going on in the slums of Philadelphia lately: Mushrooms have been growing out of first-story floors.
"I ain't plant no mushroom in the groun!" she shouted incoherently.
Riiiiiight. Just like your gun "accidentally" went off a shot the kid in the head when you were trying to sell your shrooms to the local drug addicts.
Punishment: This woman and all of the other drug-dealing goons who just happen to have mushrooms growing in their kitchen should be forced to eat their entire supply of mushrooms. And to top it off, a giant gay guy can jerk off while they're doing this. What? The gay dude is unnecessary? Why not?
It was time for the weather forecast. A major snowstorm was threatening the area, so FOX29 News, in its infinite wisdom, thought that getting public reaction would be a good idea.
"We don't want no more snow," said a fat Mexican chick.
Fantastic interview, FOX29. You managed to find an extremely unattractive woman to tell us, in her f***ed-up grammar, that she didn't want "no more snow." Couldn't they have gotten some hot chick to do this? Throw in some nice cleavage, and I wouldn't have been wondering if this particular female did actually want more snow because of her double negative.
"Samuel Wilson isn't happy with the weather," the FOX29 reported segued.
Oh, you don't say? Some douche doesn't like the snowy, cold weather - that's definitely worth pointing out. While you're at it, FOX29, why not announce that you talked to someone who thinks puppies are cute? How about telling us that some college stoner you found is a fan of pizza?
"I can't believe we put faith in a dumb animal like a groundhog, but here we are, heh heh heh..." grunted Samuel Wilson, a scruffy man with a porno stache in his 60s.
Uhh... who is this "we" you're talking about, Samuel Wilson? "We" don't put any sort of faith in a dumb animal like a groundhog. You do, but "we" don't.
I didn't think anyone took groundhogs seriously before I heard this interview. After all, how can something that's barely an upgrade over a rat possibly know when spring will be arriving? And besides, they do the whole groundhog bit in western Pennsylvania, so who's to say that it won't be warm there while it's cold here? The unveiling of Punxsutawney Phil is more tradition than anything; it's not an actual weather forecast. If human females with giant boobs can't get the following weekend right, how is a dumb rodent living in the ground supposed to know what's going to happen a month from now?
I figured everyone was aware of this, but then I heard the Samuel Wilson interview. Samuel Wilson, a man who puts "faith" into a groundhog's weather predictions. Someone please put this moron out of his misery. If you know him, have some 17-year-old chick send him nudes so that he can go away for good.
Punishment: Fifty years in prison; 40 with good behavior. I know I said that an eye for an eye was the way to go, but this idiot is just too stupid to function in society. He needs to disappear before he convinces more people to put "faith" into what groundhogs think.
Believe it or not, there are zombies living amongst us. It's true, and unfortunately, Daryl Dixon isn't here to save us all with his trusty crossbow.
FOX29 broke the news when it teased this story going into its next commercial break:
"Coming up next, we talk to a woman who was struck and killed by a SEPTA bus!"
I had enough. I couldn't take it anymore. It took all of my energy, but I finally got my fat a** off the couch and searched for the remote. It turns out it was under the couch. I cursed myself for enduring 20 minutes of a local news broadcast, solely because I failed to look beneath me. I changed the channel and was happy once more.
Punishment: The FOX29 news broadcast needs to come to an end, and all those involved need to suffer for what they put me through.
I've decided that the FOX29 building needs to burn down with all of the a**holes who work there trapped inside of it. That would put a smile on my face. Oh, and if you think having the giant gay dude jerk off to it would help, I'd be all for that.