Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2016





Jerks of the Week: April 4, 2016


JERK OF THE WEEK: April Fools and April Truths IV

I might be the most forgetful person of all time, which is weird because I have a great memory. Yeah, I know, that makes no sense, but hear me out. For instance, I can almost always recall the last time I spoke to a person, what they were wearing, what day it was, how warm/cold it was outside, etc. This has its drawbacks, unfortunately, as I remember every single stupid thing I've ever said, and I constantly relive it as if it just happened. If I had any sort of emotions, I'd be crying all the time.

On the flip side, if there's a certain task I'm asked to complete, I just don't remember to do it. I'll come downstairs to grab a glass of water, for example, but I'll text someone and then immediately go upstairs, completely oblivious as to why I went downstairs in the first place. This is something that occurs quite often. You can't even imagine how many times I've gone upstairs solely to grab a pair of socks and come back downstairs without them.

And thus, we arrive to April Fools and April Truths, where last year, I wrote the following:

I hatched a plan to contact Jonathan Frakes, the host of a show that used to air in the late 90s called Fact or Fiction, and ask him to write bad puns at the end of each of my stories. In return, I'd donate to the charity of his choice. ... Unfortunately, contacting Frakes totally slipped my mind. I remembered that I wanted to do another April Fools or April Truths a couple of weeks ago, and by then, it was too late. ... I'll make sure to ask Frakes to do this ahead of time next year.

So, for the second year in a row, this April Fools and April Truths column will be Frakes-less despite my intention of having him briefly featured. I'm going to make sure to contact him six months in advance for the fifth edition, and I'm hoping he'll do it if I donate a sum of money to the charity of his choice. I think it's extremely important to feature him, based on the outstanding work he did for Fact or Fiction:



Unfortunately, knowing me, I'll probably forget to contact him, so this is just me apologizing in advance!

At any rate, if you're not familiar with my April Fools and April Truths feature in Jerks of the Week, I'll tell six crazy stories that may or may not have happened to me recently, and each of them will contain a horrible Frakes-type pun at the end. Write down or try to remember whether each story is an April Fool or April Truth, and then check the answers at the bottom when you finish all six.

Let's get started...


1. Hot Tub Weirdos:

I mentioned last week that I now belong to LA Fitness, which has been nice because a membership has given me both a hot tub and writing material. The two haven't mixed yet, but as you'll see, that will change in this entry.

After swimming about a mile, I somehow managed to get out of the pool and flopped into the hot tub. There were two guys sitting in there; one had a long, gray beard, while the other appeared vaguely familiar. It took me about a minute to place his face, only because he looked much different the last time I saw him. He was the guy with the ugly silk shirt I almost got into a fight with in the parking lot! You can read all about it via the link in the previous paragraph. Fortunately, he did not recognize me, or we might have actually thrown down.

I sat there quietly, relaxing, but this was interrupted about a minute later when the bearded guy said the following to me:

"We were watching ya swim, heh heh heh."

Umm... OK?

"Ya were going pretty fast, heh heh heh."

I didn't have anything to say in response, as I was too distracted by his mouth. I noticed that all four of his front teeth were missing. Combined with his long beard, he looked like some crazy loon who lives in a cabin by himself deep in a secluded forest.

Toothless Bearded Guy then looked down at all of the bubbles near him.

Toothless Bearded Guy: Look at all of the bubbles here. Do ya see them?

Me: Yeah...

Toothless Bearded Guy: No one sees what's happening down here with all these bubbles.

Me: That's true.

Toothless Bearded Guy: No one ever comes in here, heh heh heh. No one is gonna see anything.

Me: Yeah... wait, what?

Was this guy asking if I wanted to blow him underwater? Why else would he be saying this?

Meanwhile, Silk Shirt Guy, who had been sitting silently right next to Toothless Bearded Guy this whole time, winked at me. I then felt what appeared to be his foot touching my arm.

I didn't know how to react. I was about to have a panic attack when I was saved by two Muslim-looking guys who stepped into the hot tub. Toothless Bearded Guy and Silk Shirt Guy were now the ones who were apprehensive. They looked at each other and briskly vacated the hot tub; apparently, they were too scared to be sharing a hot tub with a pair of men whom they believed to have bombs strapped to their swim trunks.

I had never been so happy to see two people who could have blown me to smithereens. Believe me, that would be better than having to actually do the blowing myself. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.

So, was this story about the two creepy guys who wanted head in the hot tub something that actually happened to me? Or am I blowing you away with a work of fiction?


2. Angry Russian Mom:

I'm not done discussing the hot tub at LA Fitness. I went into it the next time I worked out, and thankfully, the two creepy guys were nowhere to be seen. I was actually alone in the entire pool area, save for the lifeguard, a tan dude wearing a Penn State shirt.

Suddenly, three women entered the pool deck. They appeared to be a family, as two of the members were an old lady and a middle-aged woman, both of whom were incredibly overweight. The other was a girl who may have been in her late teens or early 20s. She had nice legs, as she was attractive from the waist down, but her face was just meh, and she had small boobs. Still, she was a sight for sore eyes after I had seen the two older women.

Anyway, the reason I believe these three women were a family is because the two older women, both of whom were Russian, went into the pool and constantly asked the youngest woman, who joined me in the hot tub, to come swim with them. Every time they'd float - they sure as hell weren't swimming - toward the end next to the hot tub, I'd hear, "Come svim vis us! Come svim!" The butterface-n-boobs just shook her head each time.

It would take each of these older women about three minutes to return to our end each time. I was expecting the mom to ask her daughter to "come svim" once more on her latest trip, but instead she asked, "iz varm in zere?" To me utter surprise, the daughter shook her head once more.

This shocked me. I thought the hot tub was, well, hot. It seemed like it was about 102-103 degrees. Sure, it wasn't scalding, but it definitely qualified as warm. I was beginning to think that this girl was a mute who was only capable of shaking her head, but I was distracted by a whacking sound. I glanced over and saw that the Russian mom was hitting the lifeguard with one of her noodles!

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

The Russian mom wouldn't stop, while the lifeguard appeared to be completely taken aback.

Lifeguard: Ma'am, what are you doing? Stop!

Angry Russian Mom: Vhy iz hot tub no varm!? Vhy hot tub no varm! Make hot tub varm!

Lifeguard: Oww! I don't control the temperature! I- oww! Stop, please!

Angry Russian Mom: Vhy no varm!? Make varm now! My Sonyachka need varm vater!

The lifeguard retreated, and I couldn't help but laugh. The Angry Russian Mom noticed this and stared at me angrily. I took that as my cue to leap out of the hot tub, grab my bag and sprint toward the locker room. And by "sprint," I mean walk slowly because I am fat.

Did this actually happen? Was there a crazy lady who attacked the lifeguard because the hot tub wasn't warm enough? Or are you being whacked with another lie?





3. Underwear Guy:

My crazy day wasn't done. Relieved I didn't get pelted by Angry Russian Mom's green tentacle/noodle, I placed my bags down and ventured toward the shower. However, I was distracted by two things on my way there.

The first was some dude who also went to my former gym. We both recognized each other, though we had never really spoken to one another. I remember playing basketball with him once, but that was about it. So, we did the whole, "How's it going, man?" thing, and then, things got awkward. I reached out to shake his hand, but he didn't seem to recognize what I was doing, so he didn't bring his arm forward. I then pulled my arm back, and he extended his to shake mine, but it was already too late.

"Umm, OK, cool, see ya," I said, walking away, knowing that I'd remember that moment for the rest of my life. See, it's this type of stuff that I'm talking about. I've only met one other person like this, and we're not on good terms right now. Come to think of it, it seems like I'm not on good terms with a lot of people...

Anyway, the second thing that distracted me was this crazy-looking guy. He was in his 50s and had wavy gray hair that made Albert Einstein's hairdo appear as though it had just been groomed. What made him stand out, however, was that he was wearing tighty-whitey underwear - with a large brown poop stain in the back.

"Hehehehehehehehe," he cackled, running by me. That's when I caught a whiff of whatever caused the poop stain, and I had to keep myself from puking.

About 30 seconds later, about a half-dozen people who were in the sauna vacated it.

"What the f***!?" some guy with a tattoo shrieked, holding his nose. Everyone else looked angry as well. Then, out came Poop-Stain Underwear Guy, continuing to laugh.

"Hehehehehehehehehe," he hooted, sprinting by me in the other direction. I had to restrain myself from vomiting once more.

Following my shower, I quickly got dressed in an effort to avoid another encounter with Poop Stain Underwear Guy. I was fortunate enough to do so. As I was leaving, I saw one of the gym employees enter the locker room with a police officer.

Gym Employee: Where'd the guy with the poop in his underwear go?

Tattoo Guy: I saw him running toward the pool deck.

You know what? I regret that I left. I'd pay anything right now to see what happened when Angry Russian Mom and Poop-Stained Underwear Guy clashed.

What do you think? Was there really a guy with poop-stained underwear wreaking - and reeking - havoc upon everyone in the locker room? Or have I defecated yet another crappy, fake story?


4. Angry Indian Mom:

I ran into some trouble on the way home. Or rather, right outside of my home.

When I pulled into my development, I took the first right instead of the second one so that I could go to the community mailbox. Unfortunately, this took me a while, since some Indian kid, who was about 12 years old, was on one of those new hoverboards, and he was "hovering" right in the middle of the street. I honked my horn, but he obliviously continued "hovering" right in front of me. I would've run him over, but that's against the damn law.

It took me a while, but I was able to finally park my car right near the mailboxes. I gathered everything in the mailbox and noticed that the Indian kid, who also was retrieving his mail, kept dropping stuff. He refused to jump off his hoverboard, however, and he kept spinning around as he was trying to pick up the mail off the ground. It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen, and I laughed extremely loudly. The Indian kid somehow didn't seem to notice.

I was hoping to drive in front of him, but by the time I put the mail in the car and backed up, the damn Indian kid was already in front of me. I was hoping he would use the sidewalk this time, but the douche continued to "hover" down the middle of the street, making it impossible to pass him.

"What a f***ing a**hole!" I yelled. I did this, forgetting that the windows were open. Suddenly, the Indian kid turned right, "hovering" toward his house, and some Indian lady, who apparently was his mother, stormed over the car.

"What did you say about my son!?" she shrieked.

With the road clear in front of me, I slammed on the gas, leaving her in the dust, as she waved her fist angrily at me. I then circled around the neighborhood twice so she didn't see where my house was.

So, what do you think? Was this tale about the Indian kid and his mom a truthful one? Or have I hovered over the truth once more?


5. Pickle Thieves:

Swimming so much always works up an appetite. Fortunately, there's a new place called Larry's Steaks within walking distance from my house, which has some awesome cheesesteaks. This is a dream come true for me. No, it really is. If I found a magic lamp when I was around 21, and a genie granted me three wishes, I would've asked for:

1. Be able to run my Web site as a full-time job.
2. Get molested by two hot chicks at the same time.
3. Be within walking distance of an awesome cheesesteak place.

The first has come true, thankfully. The second has not, but I was close during my college graduation party, which is a story for another time. The third, fortunately, is now a reality!

I walked over to Larry's Steaks that night to grab some dinner. There were a couple of Muslim-looking dudes behind the counter. I didn't really care though. They could've put atomic bombs in my cheesesteak, and I would've been fine with it as long as it tasted as great as always.

As I was waiting on my order, a couple of teenage hotshots strolled into Larry's Steaks. One guy, appearing drunk, went to the counter and tried ordering something, but all he kept doing was slurring. The other guys ventured toward the back. None of the Larry's Steaks employees saw what was going on because they were distracted by the drunk dude, but I picked up on exactly what they were doing - they were stealing all of the pickles from the pickle bar!

And yes, Larry's Steaks has a pickle bar. Customers can grab all of the free pickles they want. These punks, however, were not customers. They came in just for the pickles, so I had to rat them out. Not because I'm a snitch, but because I wanted to grab all the pickles myself!

"Hey, those guys are stealing all of the pickles," I said quietly to one of the Muslim-looking dudes.

His eyes widened. He grabbed a meat cleaver and ran toward the teenage punks.

"Get out of here or I kill you!" he bellowed, chasing after them. They, along with the drunken dude, sprinted out of the store.

Once they were gone, he turned to me and said, "You save pickles! I give you 50 percent off order!"

I almost broke down and cried tears of utter joy.

So, how about it? Did I save the day at Larry's Steaks? Or has another fake story put you in a pickle?


6. Dunkin Donuts Jokester:

I couldn't quite go home yet, as I had to stop in to Dunkin' Donuts and grab an iced coffee for my girlfriend. I'm not even sure what iced coffee is - I am not a coffee-drinker at all; I think it tastes like whatever came out of Poop-Stained Underwear Guy's buttocks - so I don't know what these fancy-shmancy things like iced coffees and mocha lattes even are.

There was one guy at the counter when I walked into Dunkin' Donuts. He was about 60, and he was wearing a gray suit. He looked at me and strangely said, "My friend, you can go ahead of me in line."

I accepted, though I was cautious that this was going to be another Toothless Bearded Guy situation. Instead, the guy in the suit began telling me a story.

I was out at the bar tonight and I ran into my friend Larry. I hadn't seen him since early February, so I ask him, "Hey Larr, what did you end up getting your wife for Valentine's Day?" He said, "I got her a bag and a belt." I go, "Oh wow, those sound like great gifts. Did she like them?" Then, Larry shrugs his shoulder and says, "I sure hope so. Our vacuum cleaner was broken!"

I laughed, which delighted the old man. He grabbed my shoulder and told me another story:

At this bar, I ran into my friend Steve, who looked pretty down. I asked him what was wrong. "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for 30 days," he said, sounding rather upset. I told him not to worry, and that 30 days would fly by before he knew it. "No," he answered. "You don't understand. Today is the 30th day!"

I liked that joke much more, and I laughed harder. The Dunkin' Donuts jokester beamed. Meanwhile, the two Indian people behind the counter looked at each other nervously. They must have been wondering if he was there to deport them, or perhaps, they questioned why some random guy was standing at the counter at Dunkin' Donuts and telling jokes to random people.

One of the Indians gave me my iced coffee. I said goodbye to Dunkin Donuts Jokester, who was distracted by some middle-aged woman who entered the store. He looked at her and said, "My friend, you can go ahead of me line." As I walked out the door, I heard him say, "I was out at the bar tonight and I ran into my friend Larry..."

So, this guy was just standing around and telling the same jokes to everyone in Dunkin' Donuts. I wonder why. Was he a comedian trying some new material? Was he a lonely dude with no friends? Or was he really there to deport the Indians? Your guess is as good as mine.

What do you think? Is the story about this comedian at Dunkin' Donuts a true one? Or is the joke really on you?







Answer Key

Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? Here's your last chance before looking at the answer key...

  • Hot Tub Weirdos - April Truth! This was one of the scariest moments of my life. Thanks to my memory, I'll never forget how wide the gap was in Toothless Bearded Man's mouth.

  • Angry Russian Mom - April Truth! Poor lifeguard... getting slapped by the fat woman's noodle/tentacle must not have been a pleasurable experience.

  • Poop-Stained Underwear Guy - April Fools! Part of this story was true. I did have that awkward non-handshake with that guy, and there was a crazy-looking dude wearing just tighty-whiteys roaming around, but he did not have any poop stains, and there were no cops involved.

  • Angry Indian Mom - April Truth! I have officially become the grumpy, old man of my development, but I don't care. Damn kids and their hoverboards. Who do they think they are?

  • Pickle Thieves - April Fools! Some teenage punks did actually walk into Larry's Steaks, and one of them drunkenly tried to order something, but there were no pickles stolen. And unfortunately, I did not get a 50-percent discount.

  • Dunkin' Donuts Jokester - April Truth! I still don't understand why this guy, dressed in a snazzy gray suit, was just standing in Dunkin' Donuts and telling jokes to everyone. So weird.


    Scoring System

    How many did you figure out correctly? And what does your score say about you?

  • 0-1 Correct - You obviously don't know me at all, so let me make this clear: If you're a crazy, toothless bearded guy, no, I do not want to give you oral sex.

  • 2-3 Correct - You don't know me that well, so that probably means I'll have an awkward handshake with you at some point.

  • 4-5 Correct - You know me very well. Hopefully you appreciate how grumpy and old I've become.

  • 6 Correct - You know me way too well. So well that you've probably read this already via the cameras you installed in my house. If you're crazy, I only ask that you refrain from running around in poop-stained underwear.

    LOADING COMMENTS...



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    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 16, 2015: Return to Kyoto - The Japanese Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 9, 2015: Jerry Jackson
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2015: Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death - All at the Gym!
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 26, 2015: Going to the Flyers Game
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 19, 2015: Return to Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 12, 2015: Chris Christie, Clorox, Gay Jokes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 5, 2015: More Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 29, 2014: 2014, Year in Review
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2014: Jerks of Christmas Shopping, 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Sept. 17


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 14


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - June 1


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5









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