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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010




Jerks of the Week for Oct. 18, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Toasts

I complain about a lot of things in my Jerks of the Week entries. However, there are only a handful of things I truly hate. Here are some I can think of off the top of my head:

1. Bums - Anyone who gets rewarded (free lodging, food, and if they're into it, anal cleanings in prison) for committing a crime creeps me out. I say all bums should be deported to a deserted island or Camden so we can all live safely.

2. Artsy-Fartsy New-Age Hippies - The people who think they are hipper and cooler than everyone else because they make crappy art, eat foreign foods and spend all of their money at Starbucks. I discussed this more in my Hatred for Downtown Philadelphia Jerk of the Week entry.

3. One-Way Streets - If you drive down a one-way street and have to get back, are you screwed for life? Call me crazy, but I don't think that's fair. I never understood this concept, and it's why I'll never drive in downtown Philadelphia.

4. Hot Chicks with Lame Boyfriends - There should be some sort of arbiter who goes around and breaks up relationships he deems lame and/or one-sided. I say that arbiter should be me. Everyone would be single! Muhahahaha!

5. The Frosted Flakes in My Cupboard that Taste Like Cardboard - There's nothing more depressing than having a craving for Frosted Flakes and then being disgusted once you taste the sensation of cardboard in your mouth. This just completely ruined my day.

6. Toasts - No, I'm not referring to the toast you eat NOM NOM NOM NOM. I couldn't live with myself if I hated that sort of toast. I'm talking about the toasting that goes on at parties where people say some stuff, clink their glasses together and drink at the same time.

In sharing my hatred for this over the years, I've come to realize that I'm the only person in the world who hates toasting. Seriously, whenever I hear someone starting a toast, I try my hardest to pretend that I'm not hearing it. Unfortunately, some a-hole is always like, "Walt, they're toasting!" So, I have to turn around and pretend that I agree with whatever they're saying. I'll then go "yeah, yeah, yeah" and fake drink. I think I have issues.

Why do I hate toasting? I'm not really sure. I think it might be because growing up, my family and relatives would always have these parties and toast to 20 different things. My sister reminded me, "Remember that time when they toasted to my eyelashes?" I shudder just thinking about it.

Anyway, I was at my sister's birthday party at some fancy shmancy restaurant last Saturday night. I tried to ignore all six toasts that night, but was suckered into four of them. I then got to talking to my buddy Ken, a cop, and Adrienne, the girl who hosted the party where the Longest Game of Beer Pong took place.

Me: If I ever have a wedding, I'm not going to have any toasting. Anyone who toasts will be kicked out!

*** And I'm not getting married anytime soon; I have no strong prospects, which is good, I guess, because gaming random chicks is fun. ***

Ken: You have to have one toast. Get someone funny to do it.

Me: Fine. Only one toast. But it has to be funny.

Ken: So, who's your wife going to be? What if she wants people to toast?

Me: I'm not sure. I'll have to find some sort of fake wife for my fake wedding who doesn't like to toast.

Adrienne: You should get a blowup doll to be your fake wife.

Me: I like where you're going with this. I won't have to dance either because blowup dolls can't dance.

I then got to thinking about what else I wouldn't want at my fake wedding in addition to toasts. I then remembered two other things I hate:

7. Dancing - No dancing at my fake wedding! Well, other people can dance. Not me though. I'll take part in the requisite one slow dance, but that's all I'm going to do.

Again, I talked to Ken and Adrienne about this. Adrienne, by the way, mentioned that she's bringing a hot, single 18-year-old to my Halloween party, which tied into this conversation:

Adrienne: Why do you hate dancing so much?

Me: Dancing is difficult and stupid. You have to move around and stuff, and you have to figure out where to put your feet and your hands. There's too much math and physics involved. Dancing is just too much work. I'd rather just sit around, get drunk and eat stuff on the table. Plus, my back sucks so I have a built-in excuse.

Ken: Your back sucks? What are you, 28?

Me: Yeah. Well, I have back spasms, so it's not literally my back.

Ken: So, is your back going to be OK when you see Adrienne's hot 18-year-old friend at your Halloween party?

Me: Oh yeah! My back will be fine by then.

Unfortunately, this was the end of our discussion. The music got really loud, so I couldn't understand anything. Which brings us to...

8. Loud Music - I like when there's music playing in the background at a bar, club or party, but I can't stand it when it's obnoxiously loud and you can't hear what anyone else is saying. I hate dancing but like to talk, so loud music disrupts my good time.

Here's what happened:

Me: This music's so loud! I don't want loud music at my fake wedding either!

Ken: wgipoj owigh owhg oer bdi 9bg uiw2hosovbndf oburehg ow.

Me: What!? I can't hear you!

Ken: 8gw iw0g9h9wf qn lksdjfnoSIEr rw8gorn fdsln wrh.

Me: What!?!?!

Adrienne: 2 r3 eg0ho ifdnawehg 0ro js;l 9 hfl we-9g nweorh bo.

Me: Did you just say something about oxygen and hemoglobin?

Adrienne: 38h lsejp r lkrgn 43hg fdn hhg4itejhrtg.

Ken: f#hweo hew ighwe9gbiwer bnkjt ehbrwbg ubrei bgnwkr h.

Me: I can't hear you guys! I'm just going to keep pouring vodka into my glass and drinking myself into oblivion!

Sounds like something I'll be doing at my fake wedding.






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Lilliput

My dad was probably pretty glad that my sister's birthday party was scheduled for last Saturday. Otherwise, he might have had to attend another party hosted by one of his employees.

For some inexplicable reason, my dad employs this strange Russian immigrant everyone calls Lilliput. Here are some funny things about Lilliput:

  • Lilliput is just a shade over five feet tall. Not that there's anything wrong with short people, but Lilliput is also fat, so his figure could best be described as "very round."

  • If you could come up with what the stereotypical stalker would look like, it would be Lilliput. His eyes bulge out of his head, and he leers at every woman he sees. I can almost guarantee that he sneaks into random houses, takes pictures of women undressing and hangs the photos on his basement wall.

  • Despite his ghastly appearance, Lilliput, I believe, is married to two women. Both of these women live in Russia. I was drunk when I heard this story, but from what I remember, one is using him to get into this country, while the other is an ugly old lady he's using for money.

  • Lilliput is dirt-poor. One of my favorite stories is when Lilliput drove up to New York for whatever reason. He had like $40 with him, but gambled it all away. Unfortunately, he had no gas left in his car, so he couldn't drive back to Philly. He called my dad and told him he had to take a week off because he was stuck in New York. I don't know how he made it back eventually, but he apparently lived in his car for a few days.

  • Lilliput is a degenerate gambler. You probably could have guessed that already, but here's something my dad told me two days before my sister's party.

    My dad was working that Thursday afternoon. He received a call from Lilliput...

    Lilliput: Boss, I make birthday party in Russian restaurant Saturday. You come?

    Dad: A party on Saturday? You're telling me this just two days in advance?

    Lilliput: I find money to make for party in Russian restaurant.

    Dad: I can't go because it's my daughter's birthday party. But you found this money by gambling at a casino, right?

    Lilliput: Yes! How you know?

    An hour later, my dad received a call from Alex, another one of his employees:

    Alex: Please, for the love of God, can you tell Lilliput that I'm going to your daughter's birthday party?

    Dad: Why, did he just invite you to his party?

    Alex: Yes, I don't want to go. I'll do anything to get out of this. I'll work more hours with no overtime. Just please, make up an excuse for me so I don't have to go. There are only going to be five people there, and it's going to be super boring.

    Dad: Here's the thing - if I say that I invited you, he'll get upset that I didn't invite him.

    Poor Alex. Well, not really. Alex didn't have to go, because an hour after that conversation, Lilliput called my dad again:

    Lilliput: Boss, I no make party in Russian restaurant.

    Dad: What happened? Did you just gamble all your money away at the casino?

    Lilliput: Yes. How you know?

    For the same reason I know there are nude photos of random women in Lilliput's basement.




    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Wawa Pirate Man

    When I was in college, I used to go out and drink four nights a week. Now, I can't even have four drinks in one night without being extremely hung over the next day.

    This was the case last Sunday, the day after my sister's birthday party. I had two glasses of vodka concoctions and two more glasses of disgusting wine (chalk that up as another thing that won't be at my fake wedding), so I was pretty out of it around 10:30, which is when I had to wake up to prepare for football Sunday.

    My Sundays are actually pretty hectic. I work straight through from 11 a.m. to around 4 a.m. I eat breakfast, a light snack and dinner as I'm either watching games or typing stuff up for the site. So, I usually go to Wawa to stock up on food before ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown begins at 11.

    *** Note: For those of you who don't live in the Philadelphia-New Jersey region, and don't know what a Wawa is, it's the best place on Earth. It's like a 7-11 and an awesome deli rolled into one. In fact I'm drooling just thinking about all of the awesome sandwiches and hoagies they have there. NOM NOM NOM NOM.

    Seriously though, it would be a really tough choice if I had to decide between being locked in a Wawa for a whole night or a room with 10 hot naked chicks. I'd opt for the naked chicks, but I'd ask if I could bring some delicious Wawa food items with me. ***

    This particular Wawa is a 10-minute walk from my new house. I went in, and ordered a bacon, egg and cheddar hoagie (NOM NOM NOM NOM again). As I was waiting in line, I noticed two very strange individuals talking to a female Wawa employee.

    One of these people was a man in about his 50s. He had silver hair and was wearing an eye patch. He was with this younger girl (anywhere between 16-22). She had brown hair and bangs. Her face was cute, but she was disgustingly skinny.

    I overheard the following conversation:

    Wawa Pirate Man: Ahoy, landlubbers, I have come to commandeer this Wawa and all of your belongings!

    OK, he didn't really say that...

    Wawa Pirate Man: I'm looking for Whiskey Tango. Can you point me in the direction of Whiskey Tango? I really need to get to Whiskey Tango.

    *** Note: Whiskey Tango is the biggest bar in Northeast Philadelphia where racist bikers like to hang out. I discussed it a couple of weeks ago (click on the link). ***

    Hot Wawa Employee: Whiskey Tango is right over there across the street.

    Wawa Pirate Man: Whiskey Tango is right there? Across the street? That's Whiskey Tango?

    Hot Wawa Employee: Yep, that's Whiskey Tango.

    Brunette with Bangs: That's Whiskey Tango, Whiskey Tango, that's Whiskey Tango!?

    Hot Wawa Employee: Yeah...

    I've never seen two people so excited to learn the location of a bar - especially at 10:30 on a Sunday morning. Maybe they're fans of this site and read that aforementioned Jerks of the Week entry.

    Wawa Pirate Man and Brunette with Bangs walked toward the exit, but the newspaper stand caught the former's attention. Wawa Pirate Man stood over the newspapers and began perusing them. What made that weird was the following odd sound he began making: "F-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T, F-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T."

    Meanwhile, the Brunette with Bangs just stood there in a complete daze. It's almost as if Wawa Pirate Man drugged her up.

    As this was going on, the Wawa Employee got behind me in line because she wanted to buy something herself. She smiled at me, and when Wawa Pirate Man and Brunette with Bangs walked out the door, I turned to her and said, "Weirdos." She laughed.

    Wawa Pirate Man, if you're reading this, I want to thank you. Because of your weirdness and the young, drugged-up girl you would later molest, I now have an in with the Wawa employee. I just hope that she doesn't fit No. 4 on the Things I Hate List.



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    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
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    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
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    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
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    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
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    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




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    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


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